THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA—LOS ANGELES, 1999

TODD GETS TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS

Todd Parrish gave the kids a great big grin. Not much of a showing this semester, UCLA Doorways had taken a big bump since Dorian's suicide. One flaming queen, a macho-ish boy, two normal looking girls (black girl was cute) and a bulldyke type.

He tried to listen with a smile as Queenie went on…" I just think that my mom doesn't understand, she tells me shit like, 'How can you know you like only boys till you date a girl, it's like saying chocolate ice cream's your favorite when you never tried vanilla. I don't WANT to try vanilla."

Todd gave one of his gleaming smiles. "But remember, Earl—"

"Ernest."

"Yes. Ernest. Your mom loves you, and she knows, as I know—the homosexual lifestyle is a lonely one. And you have great interests—fashion and photography, dancing. Didn't you tell us that you've won ballroom dancing competitions? A lot of girls would find that quite compelling."

"But what Ernest is saying" the black girl insisted, "Is, he doesn't like girls that way."

"Now Bette, are you trying to keep all the girls for yourself?" No one appreciated Todd's humor. Especially these young dykes. Todd couldn't wait for this session to be over. Todd's masseuse, Grant, was going to be doing a little Rolfing on him.

It wasn't a slip if Grant gave Todd a happy ending…Todd just couldn't go further. Todd loved Lavinia, LOVED her, since they'd met at Campus Crusade—what a divine wedding it had been! But sometimes…but that was what Doorways was there for. Todd would get over Satan's temptations by guiding these misbegotten to the Light.

Oh, there was the cute security guard, Luis, they had to leave the room now, so the Overeaters Anonymous people could come in. Todd had jovially asked one of the sponsors if they ever had pie-eating contests or anything, but of course no one thought Todd was funny over here.

"Well, we have to break it up now. I hope you'll do your meditative exercises. Remember, even if you have trouble believing in the devil, something is dragging you down to that life—it's scary, the bar life. And there's a lot of temptation here at this school. It's part of why I transferred to Biola after I left the lifestyle and got engaged." Todd dimpled again.

Todd also had had to transfer because he was failing two out of five subjects…Biola was strict, but it wasn't hard, thank the Lord.

The tennis player, who Todd had read an article about, frowned "Biola? Sounds like a disease."

The black girl smiled at the tennis player. "Bible Institute of Los Angeles, you've never heard of it? It's in La Mirada."

"You're shitting me." The tennis girl shot back. "We have a Bible college in Los Angeles? I thought that was like, in West Virginia, where people had sex with their sisters."

As the girls laughed, Todd stomped out, thinking that the ex-gay movement might as well give up now if everyone was going to be so snotty.

ALICE IS IMPRESSED

After shaking hands with Bette Porter, Alice scratched her chin. She is really, really cute. Dana has all the luck, man. She meets hot chicks going to a self-help thing to get over dating chicks!

"I'm an art history major" Bette was telling Dana and Shane as the four of them sat on a bench outside the rose garden in Exposition Park licking ice cream cones, except for Shane, who just smoked. "I wanted to just be an art major, but I don't really have the talent, which is too bad."

Alice wondered if Bette had much talent between the sheets. "Shane, how are things going with the beauty school? I still think you should try college"

Shane coughed. "Yeah, Al, but I really want a job like, now. I'm really glad that the shampoo girl thing got me enough money so I could move out of your dad's guest house, he's been really cool about it—and I just want to do this. I've been cutting people's hair for nothing for a long time. I can do an industrial cut already."

Bette smiled at Shane, a little too long. Why isn't she smiling at ME? Alice thought.

"Finding a good stylist can be really difficult, especially when you have hair like mine, getting the kinks out of you know—nappy hair" Bette looked down at her hands.

"Bullshit, your hair's gorgeous. If you ever want to grow it out, I think there's a teacher at the school that I'm in that just does African-American hair, seriously." Shane patted Bette's arm, and Alice had had enough.

"Damn it Shane, they're trying to give up dykedom. Don't encourage."

Dana laughed. "Well, I think this may be my last Doorways meeting. Todd gives me the creeps. I think I'd rather munch carpets than listen to him quote from Ephesians."

Bette turned to look at Dana, ignoring her butterscotch cone. "But Dana, don't you want to have a normal relationship with a guy? Doorways is the best counseling service on campus. My dad is paying for it."

"You have to PAY for this absurdity?" Alice demanded, spilling her Cookies N' Cream on her paisley blouse. "It's not covered by student services?" Alice rolled her eyes. "That's why I go to USC, no weirdness."

"Well, Todd doesn't actually have a degree in counseling, so the school is reluctant to pay for his um, services." Dana said with a twisted smile. "But he has a good rep for bringing people back."

"Back from what?" Shane asked, flicking her butt in the grass.

"Uh, homosexuality" Bette said, staring intensely at Shane's rear as she rose.

"Fuck, I'd rather pay for a lap dance." Shane said, and ambled down the sidewalk.