ALICE INVESTIGATES

"So what are you saying, Bette?" Alice was fascinated by the (black?) girl. Bette was golden skinned and had translucent eyes. "You go to this ex-gay group so you'll wind up in Heaven, right?"

"Well…why are you interviewing me for this anyway?" Bette asked. The two were sitting on Bette's bed, in her little dorm room. Alice had decided, in her investigatory way, to have a surprise interview, to learn about this on-campus phenomenon.

Bette had great legs, but was a very difficult interview. Alice felt like spanking her.

"Well, I've been doing a little series on campus homophobia and conservatism for the school paper—"Alice began.

"But—that's such bullshit, Alice—it's not a phobia. I read somewhere that child molesters who write for the NAMBLA newsletter call anti-molesters PEDO-phobes. It's ridiculous. I am not interested in pursuing a homosexual lifestyle. I'm engaged to a sweet guy, and my dad likes him, and…"

But then Bette's face came closer, and Alice did not back away. Have to get close to the story. Bette inched a little closer to Alice.

"I think you have a crumb, or a bug stuck to your lip gloss," Bette breathed, but before Alice could say "oh gross" Bette's face was upon hers, and they were kissing.

Now THIS is a progressing story…better than the time Gloria Steinem posed as a Playboy bunny—Alice thought, and the two rolled around on Bette's bed.

But then Bette stopped, and pushed Alice back.

"I-I can't do this. You see, you people recruit, my pastor was right."

"RECRUIT, are you kidding?" Alice squealed. "You began eating my face in the middle of your bigotry, and I'm the recruiter?"

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave, Alice, or I'll call dorm security. My R.A. is right down the hall." Bette said firmly.

"Yup, I'm such a goddamn danger to society, minxy little me," Alice said, getting up, and arranging her dress. "Don't worry, Satan's leaving now."

"No—I'm an asshole." Bette said, hanging her head. "You're just so beautiful, those lips and stuff. I—I don't hate lesbians, I—Alice, I don't want to be one. But you're too-too damn pretty to be doing this kind of interview with me. You look like Jeri Ryan."

"Well, I think Jeri Ryan has crow's feet, but whatever." Alice was annoyed and pleased, and more than a little mixed up. Jesus.

DANA MAKES A CUTE BEARD

"So we're damn glad that Thaddeus has found himself a nice girl. Mr. Stadleman said, smiling. "The only thing the boy seemed interested in besides tennis, growin' up was paper dolls n' shit. I had to kick his tail for that."

"Paul, pipe down about that." Mrs. Stadleman said, as Dana and Thad sat on the other side of the table in awkward silence. "Thad was just real sweet to his sisters, and he made real pretty stuff for them. That was fine. But now he's found a beautiful girl to enjoy full time. You-all aren't engaged?"

"No, not yet." Thad said, smiling uncomfortably. He gently punched Dana in the arm, and she wondered if Thad, who was a fabulous tennis partner, had ever spent any time at all with girls. He was treating her like a fellow Marine.

"Well, I love keeping company with Thad—" Dana said this trying not to wince, as Thad's Dad was ogling her tits unashamedly—" And we also play a lot of tennis. People joke because he's captain of the men's team here at school, and I'm captain of the girl's squad."

"Tennis was always a little fairy for me, but the boy beat me regular at racquetball, didn't you, Thad?"

Thad smiled. He really had a charming smile, Dana thought, dimples and all that. The kind of hazel eyes that lit up a room. Lots of girls would have loved to spend time with old Thaddeus, but he was a rice queen, and preferred young Asian men who lurked around the Math building.

It amazed Dana that Ezra Stadleman had actually graduated from this university, he sounded like something out of Hee Haw. But you met all kinds at Alumni week, and the old bastard was like a billionaire from selling patio furniture. Poor Thad.

Suddenly Ezra Stadleman looked up. "Why if it ain't Conrad Fife! Con, you old bastard, doncha recognize an old fellow Pi Epsilon?"

Dana and Thad looked up and Thad's obese, balding father was hugging another obese balding man…who was with a skinny, dark spiky haired person…what was SHE doing here?

Conrad Fife grinned at Ezra. "How do, Ezra! This your wife and boy?"

"Yes, is that your…child?" Ezra asked, his eyes bugging out a bit.

"I meet up with this young fellow every couple of years when I come to town, he hangs out on Santa Monica Boulevard…this here's Shane!"

"What d'you do, Shane, you here at the university?"

"No, I um, cut hair."

"Barber, huh? Well neither of us need that, Haw haw…"

Dana looked at the dark haired barber, who was easing her butt away from Conrad's wandering grasp, and smiled…what were you gonna do?