A/N:Sorry about my horrible knowledge of state location. The plane went down in New Mexico, not Arizona! I went back and changed it.
I am happy to see all of my old friends from my other stories, and welcome to my new friends for this story. I forgot to acknowledge my reviews from Chapter 1, so here I go.
Bkworm52- this is not a dream scenario. Real life, all the way, unfortunately. It's angsty, I know, but the muse is in charge, not me.
Lotti190- I'm sorry, but this is not a Brucas fic. This is a leyton fic, though there will be Brucas friendship.
HilarieisLovely- don't worry, it will be finished. So far Im two for two, so I have a good track record with completions. :)
Demeter18- I love you and your predictions. You make my day, especially when I can tell you you were right about a prediction. Read below and find out which one.
So, reviews have lain stagnant at 47 for a while, so I am just gonna post this now. 20 reviews is nothing to sneeze at at all! And you can thank RJ, whose wonderful and unexpected review was like Christmas and 10 reviews put together! :)
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Chapter 3 The Birth and Death of a Dream
Previously- "You will be there, Peyton, when my dreams come true." Lucas said fervently. "I'm not giving up on that." He shook his head, as if to reaffirm what he had just said out loud. "You and I are True Love Always, and our story isn't over yet. I'll find my way to you, Peyton, wherever you are."
Looking over at the opened box that lay on his bed, it's contents spread all around, he lay his body down in the midst of the memories and finally allowed a tear to fall. "I promise."
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Lucas kept his promise faithfully for the next year. Every break from school that was more than a week found Lucas taking a roadtrip, popping one of Peyton's mixtapes into the cd player of the Comet, their picture taped next to the speedometer, as he drove the 30 hours to New Mexico. He traveled from town to town once he reached New Mexico, following his heart, led by his gut, searching for a curly blond head and green eyes everywhere he went.
He wasn't always alone. Nathan came with him on several occasions in the beginning, at first because he too held onto the possibility that she was still out there, and then more to support his brother in what everyone knew was a hopeless quest.
Brooke alternated between joining Lucas in believing she was still alive, and being certain she was dead. Having moved in with Lucas, Karen and Lily to recuperate after her ordeal, she at first avoided Lucas like the plague, making sure to never be alone with, certain he would put to words the blame she felt in her heart for Peyton's disappearance.
It finally came to a head one afternoon when Brooke, believing herself to be home alone, sat on the living room couch and stared at a picture of her and Peyton, posing in their graduation gowns. It was a picture that was actually taken long after graduation was over, since during the real ceremony, everyone had left because Haley was giving birth to baby James. A couple of weeks later though, Peyton grabbed Brooke and a camera and dragged her to the school.
They found a secluded area easily since it was closed, and with a crow of 'Ta-Dah!', Peyton pulled out the two graduation cap and gowns she had confiscated earlier in the week, stopping Brooke's grumbling about why Peyton and Lucas had dragged her to the school when she graduated so she wouldnt have to come back. And with Lucas' help, they immortalized themselves as they had promised long ago, much like the pact for senior prom, to have proof that it was possible for two best friends, almost sisters, to make it from peschool to adulthood, graduating from high school still together, and better than ever.
Tracing the wide grin on Peyton's face, Brooke began to cry silently, the realization that their journey to adulthood together had been cut short by a decision she herself had made, caused the emotions to build in her chest, the weight of them crushing her until she found herself gasping for breath with the force of it. It begged to be let out, until it began to physically hurt from being kept in.
Finally she could contain it no longer, and a scream burst from her throat, the tide finally breaking as she alternated between screaming and sobbing, beating the pillow beside her harder and harder, until finally she picked it up and stood, throwing it hard across the room. She collapsed on the floor, sobbing harshly, curling into a ball as the pain of her grief continued to roll through her.
She startled as she felt arms pick her up and cradle her gently, whispering comfort into her ear. "I know, I know. Shhhhh, It's okay. It's gonna be okay."
"It's my fault. It's all my fault!" she fought the arms that held her, believing herself to be unworthy of the comfort, but she wasn't let go. Finally she gave up the fight and collapsed into the waiting arms, allowing herself to be soothed and she gripped the arms tightly, burrowing closer to escape the pain.
"It's not your fault. Noone blames you."
She looked up into the blue eyes of the man who held her. "You do." She sobbed, tears still falling freely.
Lucas sighed and bowed his head, taking a moment before looking her in the eye. "I did. I needed someone to blame for losing her. But then I remembered something." He cupped her face, and gently wiped away the tears. "You lost her too. And you've loved her for a lot longer than I have."
He pulled back into his arms and began to rock. "What happened to her wasn't fair, but it was a freak accident. It wasn't your fault, Brooke."
Brooke broke at his words and sank into his embrace, trying to escape the guilt that consumed her. "But I was the one who couldn't wait, who made her go on the plane that killed her."
"First of all, she isn't dead." Lucas said forcefully. Brooke looked up at him, and, at the look on his face, hesitantly nodded her head in agreement.
"Second, you can't blame yourself for what happened. You had no way of knowing this would be the end result of your decision. And even if you didn't love Peyton as much as I know you do, I know you love yourself enough that there was no way you would have put yourself in that kind of danger willingly. And we almost lost you, too."
Lucas sighed. "Besides, if we follow your logic, then I am actually the one to blame. She didn't want to go to California, but I made her go, even after she asked me to stay." Lucas whispered. "Maybe she felt something off- maybe she felt something was going to happen."
"Maybe she wanted to stay with the boy she loved." Brooke whispered softly.
"Loves." Lucas corrected absentmindedly.
"I want her back, Luke. I don't know if I can do this without her." Brooke admitted brokenly.
"I know. It's hard." Lucas himself began to tear up at the thought of life without Peyton. "But this is just a rough period. Once we find her and bring her home, things will work themselves out."
"Maybe, once she gets better wherever she is, she'll find her way back home to us." Brooke said, laying her head on Lucas' chest and joining in his fantasy.
"But until she returns, we have to keep going. We don't want her coming back disappointed. Cant you hear her yelling at us for not following our dreams?" Lucas said, holding Brooke tightly in his arms, comforting himself and her at the same time.
Brooke chuckled. "Asking me what happened to her Clothes over Bro's originals."
Lucas laughed as well. "Chastising me for not publishing my novel, so everyone can read how awesome she is." They sat in silence for a moment, then Lucas spoke again.
"We've got to have something to show her when she gets back so the time we missed with her was not in vain." Lucas looked off into space. "Make her proud."
Lucas looked down as Brooke looked up at him, hope lighting a spark in once dull eyes. "You will go to New York and I will go back to school, and it'll be like she's on her internship, and just too busy to call. She's out there Brooke, fighting to get back to us. We just have to hold onto the hope that she will."
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Thanksgiving came and went, then Christmas, and still he searched. Every time he took off, his family watched with worried eyes as he doggedly packed his overnight bag for each trip. They couldn't protest, because he made sure not to shirk his family responsibilities, being home for Thanksgiving, winking at Brooke from across the empty seat he had placed at the table 'for Peyton,' taking pictures every chance he got, making sure each family moment was documented on some type of film. Having never been a picture taker, it was Haley who posed the question that was on everyone's mind.
"It used to be a basketball you lugged around everywhere. Now it's a Nikon. What gives?" She asked playfully, bumping his hip playfully a he stood, snapping pictures of his mother helping Lily tear open a brightly wrapped package.
"I don't want Peyton to miss out on any moments. Even though she's not here now, with these pictures she can still share the memories when she gets home."He answered, placing his gaze back behind the viewfinder, the subject not open for discussion.
And after that, no one dared ask him another question about any new habit he embraced. It was all for Peyton.
March came and Lucas still had not given up his search. But late one night, after returning from celebrating with Nathan their conference victory, Nathan for playing, Lucas for coaching, he watched as Nathan picked Haley up and swung her around, carrying her to the room they shared and closing the door, obviously to continue his celebration of their victory. Lucas made his way to his room alone, closing the door softly and curling up into a ball on the middle of the bed. He closed his eyes, clutched her picture tightly to his chest, and cried like a baby, missing her then more than ever.
It was 6 months later that an acceptance letter came from a publishing company to release his novel, 6 months after that when the final touches were completed and the book was released to the world, dedicated to the one he would love forever, Peyton Sawyer. The end of the book held a brief description of Peyton, along with an email address, where anyone with information about a girl matching her description could get in contact with Lucas Scott.
The book tour induced mixed emotions in Lucas, elation at the success of his first novel, and despair, as, with each passing city, he searched the crowd anxiously, tripping over the blond haired, green eyed women who held hope that they were the one the handsome blond man wrote about and searched for, not realizing (or not caring) that the Peyton Sawyer of the novel was not fictional, but his true life's love. But the curls he searched for never materialized, and his gaze never caught green eyes that made his heart trip at a glance.
The publishers didn't mind that 3 of their stops were made in the state of New Mexico that summer. The success of the book, magnified by the young man's poignant and public search for the woman he loved, guaranteed massive turnouts, by fans who read the 'Unkindness' and fell in love with Leyton; by women who wanted to be his 'Peyton'; and by onlookers who held out hope that the true Peyton would find her way to a book signing and they would get to witness the emotional reunion first hand.
He was able to pull off another book tour in a similar fashion over Christmas break, stopping in 3 more New Mexican towns. But it was all to no avail, and Lucas was losing hope. It had been over two years since Peyton's disappearance, and Lucas was the only one who believed she was still out there somewhere.
Even Brooke had lost faith that Peyton would return, and had thrown herself into her work, making the Clothes over Bros franchise an empire, her loss of hope meaning big business for the company, since to distract herself from the crushing emptiness she felt in the space where Peyton was supposed to be, she put in 18 hour days, creating magazines, a couture line, and a department store line. Clothes over Bro's was a name every woman knew, regardless of income level, and it was getting bigger everyday.
The only person still supporting Lucas in his quest to find Peyton was Lindsay, his book editor. Having read the love story that was Lucas and Peyton's and having spent countless hours with Lucas editing his book and reliving memories with him about Peyton, she encouraged him in his search, and consoled him as each city brought him nothing but false leads and empty promises. It was a win/win situation for both of them, since she loved being Lucas' confidant, and Lucas loved the support she gave him in his search for Peyton, since everyone else tried to persuade him to give it up.
It was she who convinced the directors to let him tour so many cities in New Mexico, she who came up with the idea for the email contact at the end of the book, much like a 'have you seen me' flyer, without the picture, because he hadn't gotten Peyton's permission to print her picture, and Larry refused to sign the release papers in an attempt to make Lucas 'let it go.'
It was Lindsay who held him tightly one night on the last stop of the second tour of his novel, walking him to his room and laying him gently on the bed, as he said goodbye to the search for Peyton Sawyer by downing shots and drowning his sorrow in alcohol.
"She's gone." He sighed mournfully, as Lindsay knelt and began slipping off his shoes. He gripped his chest as if it pained him. "I've looked everywhere, and I can't find her, cause she's nowhere to be found," he moaned incoherently, collapsing back onto the bed. He curled into a ball and began to sob silently into the pillow. Concerned, Lindsay stood and lay behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and hugging tightly, as if she could take away his pain.
"She's not gone." Lindsay whispered. "she will always be in your heart, Lucas, and you will love her forever, just as she loves you. She just cant actually be with you anymore." Lindsay spoke into his back, unable to stop herself from pressing a kiss to his shoulder. She had grown to love this man who loved so deeply. And while she held hope that one day he would return her feelings, for now she was content to fill the role of friend. In some ways, she paralleled Peyton in the story, a woman she truly did admire, hiding her feelings so she could be there for him while he professed his love for another woman.
"But she's never coming back to me." Lucas turned and faced Lindsay, their breaths mingling as he misjudged the space between them. He looked Lindsay in the eye, running a hand down her face as if he had never seen her before. "You know, you've been so good to me this past year and a half. I don't know what I'd do without you, Linds."
She blushed and shook her head. "You wont have to find out Lucas." Pulling him close, she kissed the top of his head and he rested on her chest. "Now go to sleep, Lucas. Things will look better in the morning." At this point, it wasn't that Lindsay believed that Peyton was still alive, but she saw nothing wrong with allowing Lucas to come to that realization on his own. And now that he had, she would continue to be there for him as he finally mourned the loss of her in his life.
They lay there, Lindsay stroking his head, soothing him as he drifted in and out of consciousness, getting closer to sleeping off the alcohol he'd imbibed to dull the ache he felt at the realization that it was time to let her go. It had been two years and she had not been found, and not for the lack of trying. If national exposure couldn't find her, then maybe it was time for him to face reality and understand that it was because she wasn't out there to be found.
That night, Lucas said goodbye to Peyton in the only way he had ever known to get over the love of his life. He said hello to Lindsay, the woman lying next to him in bed, comforting him and loving him and being there for him throughout it all. She wouldn't begrudge him his memories of Peyton, and she would love him unconditionally. He knew she loved him, so for now, that was enough. And as he kissed her awake, her arms wrapping around his neck willingly as she sank into his ardent embrace, he felt that maybe, just maybe, in time he could learn to love her too.
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A/N: Ahhh please don't kill me. Trust the muse. For those of you who know me, have faith, especially since it will be awhile before the next post. For those of you who haven't read my other fics, go do that now while you're waiting, so you can have faith too.
With Peyton dead, Lucas needs love in his life. I can't have him pining for Peyton forever. Even you guys would get tired of seeing that. And I wont have him with Brooke, cause that's just unhealthy, and not good for either of them, so Lindsay is the only choice, and a good one. She's going to be good for him.
Soooooo, tell me what you think- comment on last night's episode, predictions on whats going to happen next chapter. Tell me what parts you liked, parts you didnt like, etc.
How many of you think this is a deathfic? How many of you think Peyton is still alive? Lucas has given up the search. Have you? If not, where is she? How will they make their way back to each other? If she's alive, that is. hehehehehehe
I finally eeked out most of a William Sawyer sequel/epilogue type oneshot. It's almost done, so it will be up by the end of the week. Its called the New Edition, so keep a lookout for it.