Chapter 5 – Transfer

He was sitting in front of his desk thinking (and beating himself up) about how everything had gone so wrong so fast. It had been three days, three whole fucking days that he hadn't seen her. He missed her, not just her soft lips and perfect smile, but also her wit and sense of humor. He missed everything about her. He missed talking with her, telling her about the latest movie he had caught on Netflix, every time secretly wishing she had been right there next to him, and each time she shared with him these amazing insights she always seemed to have, it had only made him wish it even more.

He wanted to go and look for her, but he didn't. He was trying to give her the space she needed and besides, it wasn't like he was able to march into the women's quarters whenever he pleased.

According to the prison policy the male officers were restricted to patrol only certain areas, they were banned from areas where women had an expectation of privacy, such as shower rooms and sleeping areas, an unsupervised access of male staff to female facilities was not allowed and for a very good reason.

It was a well known fact that sexual relations between an officer and an inmate were more than frowned upon, they were completely forbidden, even when consensual. It was also well known that there were male officers that did not obey the ruling and took advantage of their position, and as for the inmates, for some of them having sexual relations with a male officer meant not losing or even gaining privileges.

Killian didn't want to be one of those disgusting guys that misused their position, and that was why he decided to avoid situations like these at all costs, and until Emma came along he had no problem doing so.

Emma captivated him in every sense of the word and for the first time he had seemed to be struggling to follow his own code.

Still, in the back of his head, and when he had thought about it more clearly (which he managed to do only when she was nowhere in his sight of course), he felt certain that sticking to his code was in fact in her best interest.

So after the initial regret he had felt for turning Emma down, he knew in his heart that he had done the right thing, that if they were to ever be together it couldn't had possibly been under those circumstances.

He was hoping that she would eventually change her mind and come by his office. Every day after lunch he had been waiting for her, and with every knock on the door his heart had seized in his chest for a brief moment.

Another knock on the door, another disappointment, this time it was Whale.

"Hi Jones, what's up?" Whale asked as he stood at his door.

"Fine" Killian said from his seat, unable to hide the disappointment that creased his face, not that Whale noticed or cared.

"I need the Swan girl's file"

"What? Why?" Killian's eyes widened when he got up from his chair, a thousand thoughts and feelings running through him.

"You tell me, she asked for a transfer" He raised an intrigued eyebrow at Killian.

"I have no idea" Killian said, managing to sound believable.

"Ah-ha" Whale nodded and murmured in disbelief for a brief moment before he decided to drop it "So, can I have the file now?" He stepped in the office and reached his hand.

"Yeah" Killian replied and turned to his bookcase a tad flustered in search for the file "Here" He said and handed it to Whale.

"Well you need to let it go in order for me to take it" Whale said with a small smirk.

"Right" He smiled and scratched behind his ear when he reluctantly let go of the file.

He didn't want to let go of the file, he didn't want to let go of her.

…

She was sitting in his office, the drapes were drawn so it was a lot darker then Killian's, which seemed to be the intention. It was tinged with a slight scent of alcohol and some kind of pharmaceutical odor. She didn't like it. She didn't like him. He was gazing at her, examining her from head to toe, a smug smile lifting his lips, making her feel uncomfortable as she shifted in her seat.

"So why are you here Swan?"

"I'm sorry?" She replied quietly, raising her brow in wonder.

"Why did you ask for a transfer? Was there something you were not getting from your previous officer?" She was confused by his questions and couldn't bring herself to answer "Is there something that I can do for you?" He asked as he got up from his chair and stepped closer which made her tense in her seat "There's no need to fear girly, I don't bite" He leaned back against the desk in front of her and smiled "Only when asked" He licked his bottom lip and reached his hand to tuck a stray hair behind her ear, she flinched at the contact and smiled awkwardly as she averted her gaze, he studied her intently before he continued "Well, I think we are about done for the day" He said as he traced his steps back to his chair.

"That's all?" She asked surprised.

"That's all" He smirked.

"So what's next?" She asked as she got up to leave.

"Next is that you come and find me when you are ready to open up" He gave her that smug smile of his again as he sat back in his chair "You know" He added and she immediately knew he wasn't talking about opening up conversation wise.

…

Ten days had passed since they locked eyes and touched lips, and his bright blue eyes still haunted her, not just in bed at night, but everywhere and at all times. She had nowhere to run from the memory of his scent, the memory of his taste, the memory of his touch, the memory of him. She couldn't stop thinking about him, her mind full of thoughts of him, relentless thoughts, thoughts she tried her best to scrub away, but she seemed to be failing time and time again.

She found herself in the middle of a fight again. It had been a long time since she got in trouble, four months to be exact, which made her reminisce about the first time she and Killian had had a heart to heart conversation.

"Again Swan?" He asked disappointed.

"Yes again" She replied firmly "The hag deserved everything I had to give"

"You do understand that it hurts you, hurts your chances of getting that remission, I won't be able to keep it under wraps forever" He sighed.

"Well nobody is asking you to" She shrugged her shoulders.

"You know I want to, come on, we've been over this, I'm on your side, heck, I'd even punch the hag myself if I could" She chuckled at that "What did she do anyways?" He noticed that the question made her tense for some reason. He studied her with his soft eyes and continued "Remember our rule – you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to"

"I know" She replied as she pulled her knees to her chest, curling up on the chair "It's not that I don't want to, it's just weird"

"What is?" He asked and waited intently for her to reply.

"I don't know" She sighed heavily.

"That's okay" He said sympathetically "Whenever you're ready, there's no – "

"She said I was a stupid girl" She cut him off, letting the words escape her mouth without a second thought.

"That's it?" He asked surprised "That's why you sent her to the clinic?"

"I knew you wouldn't understand" She pouted as she folded her arms above her knees and rested her chin on top of them.

"Then help me" He pleaded honestly "Help me understand" She sighed and closed her eyes in weariness "Why did that word upset you so much?" He asked when she rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands before opening them once again to look at him.

"Because it's the truth" She replied dryly and he noticed the glimmer of sadness in her eyes.

After he made sure she knew that he wasn't convinced, she decide to tell him about Neal. At first just to prove her point, and then, when she realized that he was actually listening to her, without any mockery or judgment, the words continued to pour out her mouth, lifting some weight off her shoulders in the process. It was the first time she told anyone about him, she didn't even tell Mary Margaret, and much to her surprise, somehow it felt natural for her to open up to him like that.

She told him how she stupidly fell in love with Neal, how she was stupid enough to fall for his 'so called charms', how she was stupid to believe that he cared, even more stupid to trust him enough and tell him that she loved him, stupid to suggest stealing the watches for him, and then take the fall, she was stupid not to have given his name when asked if she had an accomplice, so very stupid to let him impregnate her, all kinds of stupid and just plain stupid.

She used the word stupid at least twenty times, so eventually he had to counter "I'll tell you something Swan, you can be pretty convincing, and if I didn't know any better I just might have bought what you're trying to sell, but I don't, don't buy it for a second" She rolled her eyes "But" He continued "Let's say for a second that I do, let's say that you're…well… stupid" He said the word as if the idea was completely preposterous and there was nothing else that could be further than the truth "So if it is the truth why does it upset you so much that she said so? It's like she would say you have green eyes, isn't it?"

She usually had an answer for everything, but this time she remained without any witty reply, partly because she was wrapped up in the thought that he had actually noticed the color of her eyes and mainly because she knew he had a good point.

"And if you're not" He continued "Which I'm sure you'll find it hard to believe, but you're actually quite the opposite" He joked as he rolled his eyes "Then you shouldn't be upset either, cause it's like she would say – "

"I am a mermaid with wings" She cut in.

"Exactly" He smiled widely, leaning forward in enthusiasm, wagging a finger at her as he said "Told you – not stupid"

"So what you're saying is that either way I have no reason to go on a rampage" He nodded in agreement "Well, it's easier said than done" She moped.

"I know" He sighed in understanding "Let me ask you something" His voice filled with enthusiasm again "Let's say you're sitting and eating lunch, the girl next to you has got the jitters and unconsciously keeps kicking your chair" She listened intently and raised her brow in wonder "Well, what would you do?" He leaned back in his chair and crossed his hands behind his head in wait for her reply.

"I don't know" She hesitated "Suck it up? Endure it and wish for lunch to be over already?" She looked at him and knew that it wasn't the answer he was looking for, she also knew that it was not the way she really handled situations like the one he just presented, at least not since she got in prison "Fine, you're right I'd probably snap at her or punch her in the face" She admitted and he smiled in satisfaction before he leaned forward again.

"And what if that thing that was kicking your chair was some kind of pendulum? What do you think you could have done then?" He didn't have to say anything else, cause all of a sudden it all became clear to her.

It was all in her hands. She had the choice how to react at any given situation.

"I would have moved my chair" She answered simply, his silent gaze and proud smile informing her that he knows she got it. And in the four months that followed she chose to be on her best behavior.