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Chapter 9 – Failing
Killian was sitting at the table in the corner of the visitors room, looking out the window, thinking about the strange feeling that was coming there, dressed in his daily clothes, a simple blue T-shirt and a pair of dark jeans, no uniform, no authority, just an ordinary visitor that had to schedule a visit like everyone else, that had to go through a pat down search before he was allowed to get into the visitors hall, just like everyone else.
He was feeling anxious and hopeful to see her, wondering how she would react once she saw it was him.
Was she hoping it would be someone else? Would she be disappointed that it was him? Would she even agree to talk with him? Or maybe she would run away from him again?
He had so many things he wanted to tell her so he was really hoping that she wouldn't.
While he was waiting he heard the door open several times.
The first time a big family of color entered the room, one grown man, two woman and three small children between the ages five to two. They came to visit an inmate who seemed to be the women's mother and the children's grandmother, the women and the inmate were emotional when they hugged each other, and the latter looked with great fond at the children that immediately ran to the play area.
Later he witnessed a couple's happy reunion, he couldn't help scratching behind his ear as he averted his gaze to the window when the two shamelessly shared a passionate kiss, as if they were the only ones in the room, reasoning to himself that he would probably do the same if only things were different between Emma and him.
And then the door opened once more and it took him a short moment before he looked towards the door, towards her. It had been only two days since he saw her outside Whale's office, and just above two weeks since they last spoke, since they last touched, kissed and inhaled each other's scent, and still it seemed much much longer, it seemed like forever.
She was beautiful as always, her golden hair falling down in waves around her shoulders, her green eyes staring back at him from across the room, he could feel his stomach flutter, he smiled at her, a hopeful and nervous smile, oh how he missed her, how he missed their talks, he couldn't wait for her to come over already, couldn't wait to hear her voice again, to see her up close, and maybe even see her smile, he was afraid she was about to turn around and leave, but she didn't, after a short pause at the doorway she started to walk towards him, and with that, something inside of him started to ease.
"Were you hoping it'd be me?" He asked when she sat down across from him, her silent response making him regret his words. She already thought he was so full of himself, what was he thinking asking her that? Idiot "I'll take it as a no" He scratched behind his ear and forced a smile.
"I didn't say that" She said simply as she averted her gaze from the window back to him "I guess I'm just surprised" She shrugged "Why here?" She asked intrigued and when he gave her a puzzled look she elaborated "I mean why here and not there?" She gestured slightly towards the door with her thumb "And why are you dressed like that?" She asked when her eyes skimmed over his body.
"I take it that you don't approve my choice of clothes" He said and smiled after he noticed that he managed to cause her lips curve up a little "Well I guess you have your work cut out for you then" He sighed dramatically as he leaned back in his chair, resting his arm on the back of the chair next to him, his smile spreading even wider.
"Me?" She asked surprised and raised her brows in wonder.
"As you can see I have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever" He joked as he slightly shook his head while glancing down at his clothes to prove his point.
"I don't see what's that got anything to do with me, and besides, you said it, not me" She said and to her own surprise she found herself smiling back, thinking to herself that he was so bullshitting her since he looked pretty damn handsome in that blue v-neck T that brought out his eyes, exposed just a bit of his chest hair and hugged his biceps perfectly "Well?"
"Well what?" He asked flustered as he was too distracted, secretly admiring her beautiful smile, not entirely paying attention to the conversation.
"Well why here?" She repeated her question.
"Didn't you get my note?" He changed the subject when her question jolted him back to reality, suddenly reminding him what he wanted to tell her when he had waited for her in his office two days ago.
"What note?" She asked as she tensed, pretending she didn't know what he was talking about, her eyes flickering nervously back to the window.
"The one – " His brow furrowed as he started to explain but then decided to let it go "Never mind" He waved a dismissing hand and forced a smile.
"Well?" She raised her brows at him, waiting for him to answer her previous question.
"I resigned" He finally blurted out.
"What?" She asked confused.
"I resigned from my job" He explained "I don't work here anymore"
"What? Why?" Her eyes widened in complete surprise.
His mind drifted to the day he decided to quit, it happened three days after she stormed out of his office, Whale just came to take her file, letting him know that she asked for a transfer, he already missed her and now he wasn't even going to get a chance to see her and explain himself, but he knew that in some way she was right, that he cannot be her officer anymore, not as long as they have such strong feelings for each other and definitely not if they were going to act on those feelings, so he went to Sidney and submitted his resignation on the spot.
He was obligated to give a two weeks' notice and that worked out well with his desire to meet his replacement, whom to his surprise turned out to be Hopper.
He was thrilled to meet with someone who shared his passion for the profession, and he spent a few days showing him the ropes, going through the inmates' files with him, making sure he won't miss anything or anyone, so he was able to leave feeling in peace with himself, feeling that he was leaving his inmates in good hands.
And then he just had to see her before he was about to leave, so he asked her cellmate to pass her the note, in hope that she would come and they could talk on his very last day.
He envisioned that as a blissful reunion, he was going to tell her that he couldn't stop thinking about her, that he wants to be with her more than anything, that he quit his job so they can be together, that he would come and visit her every day until she got out, he envisioned her happy, allowing him to kiss her passionately, to caress her soft skin, to wrap her in his embrace, cause it was his last fucking day and he was sure as hell wasn't going to hold back any longer.
He envisioned that day as nothing less than pure perfection, but she didn't come and instead what he got is to see her walking out of Whale's office, looking completely broken, her eyes hollow and her silence speaks volumes, and then to top all of that Sidney came along, he only came to wish him well and say goodbye, but it made Killian miss his chance to talk with her before leaving.
"I guess it was time for a change" He lied when he finally answered.
He loved his job, he loved helping the inmates, he loved seeing them coming to terms with their situation and making the best of it, he loved watching them get out full of hope and belief in themselves, he was fulfilled by his job and he wouldn't leave it on any other circumstances, but he would leave it for her, he would do anything for her.
So why was he lying? Why wasn't he telling her the truth? Why wasn't he telling her how he feels?
He knew that he really wanted to, but he felt that the skyrocket wall of hers keeps holding him back.
"Yeah, I get that, this place can get really depressing" She forced a chuckle when she averted her gaze towards the playing children. He could see in her sad eyes that what she had just said was her simple truth, it was what that place made her feel "So where to?" She asked nonchalantly as she gazed at him once again.
"Boston" He tensed when he replied because he felt that he was being such an ass.
Boston was thousands of miles away from Phoenix, and he was basically saying that he was leaving her behind. His stupid self obviously hadn't thought everything through.
When he resigned he wasn't sure what he was about to do next, besides knowing he wants to be with her he didn't know anything else.
It was a well known fact that you shouldn't resign from a job until you have an official job offer in hand, but he resigned when he was in an emotional turmoil and without any second thought, so when he started looking for a new job it turned out that there weren't a lot of suitable offers out there.
And then an old friend had contacted him and told him about a job opening that was back in his hometown, he offered him to come back and work for the Boston PD as a social worker, a job that suited his education and qualifications perfectly, so after contemplating, and coming to the realization that he had no other better offers, he went for it.
"Oh" She replied, suppressing her surprise that turned into anger in a matter of seconds, anger she wasn't exactly able to suppress "Good luck then" She said dryly and got up to leave.
"Wait" He pleaded as his body cocked, ready to leap up from his chair. Damn it! What was going on? How did it get to this? He left the job to be with her, and now it comes out as if he was leaving her? What an idiot.
"What?" She turned around and crossed her arms across her chest, her eyes piercing at him with anger "I really don't get you Jones, what exactly is it that you want from me? What did you come here for? Say goodbye?" She paused and looked at him, his mouth agape and his eyes flickering everywhere "Goodbye then" She spat out, doing her best not to raise her voice, not to draw the attention of the other inmates and their families before she walked away from him and towards the door.
He leaped up from his chair and run after her "Hood don't let her out" He called at the officer that was standing by the door.
She stopped in her tracks at his words, right before he caught up with her and faced her once again.
"Everything okay Jones?" Robin asked and Killian glanced over his shoulder towards him and nodded in reply.
"What is this?" She asked sarcastically "Some kind of a gang rape?" She continued as he sighed in despair and blinked heavily "Can't do it without your buddy?" She mocked as she stared at him when he took a deep breath.
"Emma – " He started to say softly as he blinked heavily again.
"No. I mean what?" She said in an angry tone of voice, still fighting the urge to raise her voice "You're going to force me to stay here and listen to you – "
"I'm not forcing, I'm begging" He cut her off "You can leave whenever you want, but please, I'm only asking you to hear me out, just give me ten minutes" He pleaded as he gestured with his hand towards the table before running a nervous hand through his hair.
"Five" She said firmly before she turned around and walked back to table and it reminded him one of their first encounters when she bargained with him, it reminded him why he fell in love with that stubborn woman in the first place "So what was so important?" She asked as they sat back down.
"What makes you say that?" He asked surprised and narrowed his eyes at her in suspicion.
"What do you mean?" She asked in wonder.
"Important. What makes you say important?"
"I don't know, you said it was important" She insisted as she began to shift nervously in her chair.
"No I didn't" He slightly shook his head "You've read my note" He chided slowly, raising a single brow at her and eyeing her carefully.
"I did not read your note" She lied, rolling her eyes at him, but the look in his eyes revealed that despite her best efforts there was no way in hell that he was going to believe her "Fine, so what if I did?" She asked defensively as she crossed her hands across her chest and shrugged.
"Why didn't you come then?" He asked slightly offended, remembering how he anxiously awaited her arrival.
"I don't know" She shrugged and averted her gaze to the window "I wanted to" She continued as she kept staring out the window.
"Then why didn't you?" He asked as he studied her, noticing that for some reason she was avoiding his gaze.
"It doesn't matter now" She replied, a hint of pain and regret in her tone of voice as she looked back at him with her sad eyes.
What could she possibly tell him? That she was too afraid to look him in the eyes? That she was afraid that it would hurt even more than it already did? That she was afraid that he'd reject her again? What would she tell him? That she missed him? That she wanted to see him? That she panicked when Regina had spotted her? That she felt intimidated by that woman? Lord knows that woman could be rather daunting, and she knew that a fellow inmate would understand, but would he? Could he understand? After all he was an officer same as Regina, and even if he would, how could she possibly explain that she came to see him but eventually, to her own stupidity, chose to get drunk and make out with Whale instead?
There wasn't anything she could possibly think to say that actually made sense in her head.
"I wanted – " He hesitated for a brief moment "I wanted to ask you what are your thoughts on the idea" He said nervously.
"What idea?" She asked and her face creased with confusion.
"The moving idea" He replied simply.
He felt as if he was failing, failing to get through to her, failing to reach out to her, what had happened to him? He had managed to break down her wall once before, why wasn't it working this time?
"What's that got to do with me?" She asked impatiently, her leg fidgeting under the table.
"I thought maybe you'd like to come with?" He asked hopefully as he chewed on his bottom lip, his eyes studying her in suspense.
"What's that suppose to mean?" She was taken aback for a brief moment.
"It means that I'm asking if you would you like to come with me" He said softly and smiled.
"Why?" She asked as she leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms across her chest once more.
"Why?" He repeated slowly, gaining time to think of a good response "I thought that we could – "
"Well you thought wrong" She cut him off "You really need to get over yourself, so I kissed you, so freaking what? I kissed Whale too, does that means that I'm going to follow him around? I'm not some trinket you can wear around your neck and take along you know" She said firmly.
"I didn't say that you were" He replied defensively as he was shocked by her reaction "Why would I say that? Why would I even think that?" He said as he felt sick just at the thought.
"Give me a break" She snapped, feeling the anger building up inside of her "Assuming I will follow you across the state like a love sick puppy isn't thinking that?" She kept ranting without giving him a chance to counter "What? Because I have nothing or nobody you assumed I will jump at the opportunity? Who exactly do you think I am? Some needy girl that will desperately cling to you and fall to your feet whenever you please?" She continued as her voice began to crack "Well think again – "
"Stop it" He cut her off decisively and she was taken aback for a moment "Please stop putting words in my mouth" He said and noticed she was holding back the tears "I don't think that, I don't think any of those things" She raised her moist eyes to meet his gaze for a brief moment before she averted her gaze to the floor, avoiding his eyes and wiping away a traitorous tear with her hand "Emma, look at me" He said softly and waited for her to raise her gaze "I want to be with you" He continued when she met his gaze "I think I would be the luckiest man alive if you'd come"
"What a cliche" She dismissed, huffing a breath through her nose and he was immediately insulted by her words, he said it with honesty and sincerity, he really meant it, he truly felt it, and she was mocking him, mocking his feelings.
They sat there for a few minutes in silence, he gazed at the happy couple from time to time, she sniffled a few times and inhaled deeply until she completely calmed down.
"Can I come tomorrow and visit you again?" He asked as he reached for her hand that was resting on the table, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb.
"Why?" She slowly pulled her hand away from his and back to her lap.
"Cause I want to see you" He replied, feeling the desperation taking over him as he gazed at the hard look in her eyes.
"Aren't you kind of busy with all of the moving arrangements?"
"No, not really" He replied without thought, cause he didn't care if he was, he only cared about being able to see her "So, can I?" He asked and a gleam of hope lit inside of him once more as they were talking about the possibility of meeting again.
"I really don't see the point" She shrugged and glanced impatiently at the clock on the wall behind him "And I'd rather that you don't" She added, her voice dry and her gaze distant. His heart sank, he could tell that she meant every word of it, that she really doesn't want to see him anymore "You're leaving anyways, in what?" She asked coldly "Remind me again? When did you say you were leaving?" She continued as she narrowed her eyes at him in fake interest.
"I didn't say" He blinked slowly and swallowed hard before he glanced at the window and continued "In ten days" It was the first time since she stepped into the room that he averted his gaze from her, he felt she was doing her best to push him away, not caring she was hurting him in the process, he took a deep breath before he continued "Regardless, I will be here tomorrow" He said softly as they both got up from their seats.
"Save your breath" Were her last words before she turned around and left him aching in the middle of the visitors room, his only hope is that he would do better tomorrow.
A/N: I had in mind a certain progress for this chapter, but their conversation got really long so I decided to save it for the next one. Sorry about that.