A/N: Chapters will probably be coming about once a week, now until Im done. My muse is working overtime on the Anything for Brody sequel, so Im trying to write down those ideas and still be faithful to this story, all while writing the dissertation.

I see some people lost interest in the story, but that's cool. I still love you, and I appreciate everyone who is still with me on the story. I keep it going for you, even though its not coming out how I'd like. This was an experiment, and I do not have the fortitude to write as I go, which is good to know. So we will be going back to the old way of doing things after this story is over.

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Chapter 15 Every Mile a Memory

She probably should've been overwhelmed, with all the new people, new places, new experiences that were apparently old experiences, but she wasn't. Peyton slowly sipped her coffee as she stared out over the balcony at the sun peeking its head over the horizon. She figured her mind had probably learned to deal with it, after living a period of being poor and pregnant, with no money and no memory. She learned very quickly to trust her gut, and her gut had nothing but love for the people of Tree Hill, even if her mind couldn't remember. And in spite of some hopeful flashbacks, her mind just refused to take her back there.

Interestingly enough, Peyton was okay with that. Not remembering didn't stop Brooke from worming her way back into best friend status, or Haley from exchanging parenting war stories, or Nathan from treating her like the little sister he claimed he never wanted, or Lily and Jamie from being awesome cousins, or Karen from being a great grandmother to her kids and a mother figure to her, much like Delores was in Honey Grove. Not to mention Skills, who had spent the last week trying to make moves on Tonya, and had come to her for advice like he had known her forever.

No, not remembering didn't seem to hinder any relationship. Well, that was not exactly true. Lucas was still fighting valiantly to trigger a memory, and Peyton was afraid he was fighting a losing battle.

She was just as hopeful as he was the first day they spent together, just the two of them, determined to jog her memory. When she arrived at his house, the first place he took her was to the garage, where he pulled back a car cover with a flourish, and stood there with an excited look on his face, a look that slowly fell as her own face just showed puzzlement.

"Okkaaayyy. You're rebuilding a car?" Peyton said slowly, as Lucas waited expectantly, for what, she didn't know.

"No," he said slowly, lowering his arm until the car cover hung limply at his side. "This is your car. The Comet?" he said urgently, as if the name would spark a memory.

"I named my car after your book?" Peyton said, confused.

"No, I named my book after your car. This was your baby, Peyt!" Lucas said with frustration. "You did everything, went everywhere in this car."

"Oh." To appease him, she slid into the driver's seat, hoping that maybe sitting inside would trigger a memory, and bring back some of the eagerness he felt when showing it to her for the first time. She couldn't imagine a car being such a big part of someone's life- she didn't even own a car in Honey Grove, not that she could've afforded one until recently.

She sat in the car, looking around the front seat. Nothing. Turning around, she arched her body towards the back, noticing a cd lying on the backseat.

Immediately in her mind flashed a series of images, almost like a video stream, a jumbo of memories that didn't flow together, but tumbled through her mind like boulders falling down a hill. A little shaken, she sat back in the front seat to pull herself together, breathing slowly in and out to calm her racing heart.

Lucas, having noticed the reaction, raced around the car and knelt on the driver's side. "Did you remember something? Are you okay?"

"Wow. Ummm. Ok." Peyton took a deep breath. There was no way she was sharing what she just saw with him. If she didn't believe that Lucas was the father of her children before, she did now. "I'm okay. Just a touch of vertigo, that's all."

It wasn't a memory she preferred to get back, but as the day went on, and they drove around to the Rivercourt, the lake, the bridge, the high school, old country roads, and everywhere else she had apparently frequented as a teenager, and no memory other memory surfaced, she was happy that at least a memory had returned to her brain, and the day wasn't a total waste.

She couldn't even be happy about the time she was spending alone with Lucas- it was painfully awkward, his excitement at each new place dwindling to disappointment as nothing seemed familiar. He played cd after cd in the car, mixtapes that she had made in high school, or albums from her favorite bands, until she felt the urge to slit her wrists. She didn't know why, but the phrase ""shoot up and die"" kept running through her mind as she listened to song after song that made her want to curl up in a ball and cry.

On the way home, he played a Cd by a band called 'The Cure.' Not wanting to hurt his feelings, but not able to take any more of it, she joked half-seriously.

"Did Peyton, I mean, I listen to anything that wasn't ""depressing and whiny""?

Lucas chuckled. "That's what I used to say." He continued on. "Yes, you listened to all kinds of music, depending on your mood. But these were your favorites." He glanced at her briefly. "Let's just say that high school was not a time of rainbows and light for you."

That was obvious. And it was also obvious that in spite of an undeniable attraction between her and Lucas, she had a feeling that his feelings were for the Peyton of 4 years ago, and not the Peyton she was today.

It was evident that Lucas was trying to get back what they had in the past, and she could understand that. After all, she was the one who loved and held on to a picture for over 3 years. But she wasn't the Peyton from his novel. She didn't like depressing music- life was short to waste it feeling sorry for what you didn't have. She was too busy being thankful for what she did have- great friends, and great kids, and what looked to be what was building up to be great family. She still drew, but it wasn't an outlet for her feelings- she had learned to open up to other people, and that's what her friends were for now. She embraced new experiences, and she took hold of life by both hands, wrestling with it, and loving it- something the old Peyton had struggled with.

She just wished that Lucas could learn to love who she was now, instead of who she was then. But after a week of being in Tree Hill, and having all their time together centered around the children or attempts to trigger memories, she was afraid that it wasn't going to happen.

She made the mistake of telling Brooke how she felt, and Brooke, bless her heart, had gotten together with Haley to put them together, convinced that all it would take was a date night for the two of them, much like it did for Nathan and Haley when they first started dating.

Too bad it backfired.

Lucas participated alright. He showed up at Brooke's house to pick her up at 7, looking oh so handsome in his black slacks and an oxford shirt that matched the color of his eyes. He had cards- doing what was on one card would lead to the next, and so on and so forth. The first card instructed them to go to the music store in town and on the way there share three things they liked about each other. Lucas was excited because he had forgotten to take her to Max's music store in their travels around town, and Peyton was excited, until she allowed Lucas to go first, and the three things he mentioned were all about the Peyton of the past, and not about who she was. She tried to give him a hint, using her turn to talk about how much she loved what a great father he was now, how close he was to his family now, and how good of a writer he was.

They arrived at the music store and in the Cure section they found the second note, which instructed them to purchase something for the other. Once again, Lucas brought her a band t-shirt of LaRocca, because 'he noticed she hadn't worn any since she had been in Tree Hill, and he wanted to help her replenish her stock.' He was so happy to do it for her, she didn't have the heart to tell him she hadn't worn any band t-shirts because she didn't listen to bands anymore, and even if she did, wearing a band logo across her chest just didn't hold the appeal for her that it apparently did in high school. She was into vintage t-shirts, yes, but bold colors, and off the wall designs were more her flavor now. She presented him with a shirt that claimed 'this dad rocks,' which he enjoyed immensely, and it lead to a pretty good conversation that revolved around Anna and Keith that continued until they pulled up in front of the restaurant that was their next stop.

This time, going against the cards wishes, he ordered the dish that was Peyton's favorite dish, hoping to trigger a memory instead of sharing with her what his favorite meal would be. He stared in confusion at the steak and mashed potatoes that lay in front of him, and she chuckled a little at the personal pizza that was in front of her.

"Who would've thought I would still be eating kid food on an adult date. You're favorite food really is pizza?" she asked.

"No," he confessed. "My favorite meal is breakfast food, so I thought Id order you your favorite food."

"From 4 years ago." Peyton clarified.

"Since you were a kid." And with that, Lucas proceeded to share with her the story of how her and her dad would make pizzas with strange toppings, which morphed into another story from her past.

They pulled back up in front of Brooke's house, and he walked her to the door, holding her hand. Peyton was surprised when tears pricked her eyes as he gave her the sweetest goodnight kiss.

"Hey, hey now. What's the matter?" he said as he pulled away, reaching out to gently wipe the tear that had made its way down her cheek. "Did you remember something?"

"No," Peyton shook her head. Grabbing his hand as it fell dejected from her face, she pressed a kiss to it. "I guess it just hit me, that's all. While I was kissing you, you were kissing Peyton from 4 years ago."

"But that's you," Lucas said, confused.

Peyton shook her head. "No," she said softly. "No it's not. We don't listen to the same music, wear the same clothes, and to be honest, I don't eat pizza unless my kids ask for it." She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm not a fan of the taste." She caught his eye, as another tear leaked from her eyes. "This week has just shown me even more clearly that, even if I ever get my memories back, which by now Im pretty sure won't happen," she laughed ruefully. "I still won't be her. I still wont be the Peyton you lost."

She sighed, and said honestly, "I could love you, I feel it every time we're together, this connection we share. But tonight, on our first date, all you could talk about is your Peyton, and all I could talk about was how great a dad you are. And it made me realize that we don't know each other at all. I would like to get to know you better, but I don't think I can compete with a memory, and I can't be the Peyton you love, and for that I'm sorry."

"You are the Peyton I love!" Lucas insisted. "You just don't remember it, that's all."

"And that is why this isn't going to work." Peyton said sadly. Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself together and opened the door to the house. "I'll see you tomorrow- when you come to pick up Anna and Keith. I don't think I need any more trips down memory lane."

And as he watched the door close behind her, all Lucas could do was stand there and stare at the door in a stupor. ""What the hell just happened?"

Peyton finished the last of her coffee and rose, ready to start a new day. She was tired of fighting a losing battle of getting her memory back, and to be honest, at this point she was only doing it for Lucas anyway. He needed her to remember and be the Peyton she was. But as much as she felt the connection with him, she wasnt willing to lose herself to make it work.

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The song is a title by Dierks Bentley

I know you guys are prob like, WTF, but I think you'll like where it goes. Please comment, good or bad. I wont leave it cliffy for as long, as the next chapter is already half-written. So review, keep me honest and tell the truth, and you'll love me again eventually.