A/N: You probably knew it was coming all along so I hope you prepared your souls, cause the angst is coming your way…

Chapter 19 – Déjà vu

Monday. 4AM.

She woke to the jingling sound of his belt, her eyes squinting in the semi dark room at Granny's, watching him as he finished putting on his clothes and doing his belt "Come back to bed" She said in a scratchy barely awake voice.

"I've got a plane to catch" He leaned to press a kiss on her forehead "Go back to sleep"

"Wait" She tugged on his upper arm, pulling him back to her "Don't think I haven't noticed what you're wearing" She said in a low teasing voice.

"This?" He looked down at his uniform.

"Ah-uh" She nodded, her fingers toying with the button of his shirt "You can't leave now" She whispered, pulling his lips to hers.

"If I won't then I'd miss my flight" He said against her lips "I have no choice, I have to go"

"Well that's just not fair, where have you been hiding these uniforms all weekend? How come you remembered to wear them only now?"

"Didn't know it turned you on" He replied on a chuckle.

"First you don't let me tear off your prison officer uniform, and now this?" She pouted.

"I'll make it up to you" He said as he caressed her hair, pressing a soft kiss on her lips.

"Promise?" She smiled and he nodded slowly in reply "And do you have any cuffs to go along with that rig?"

"Nope" He replied simply "No cuffs. No gun. I'm a social worker not a police officer, and I'm not even obligated to wear the uniform"

"Then why do you?"

"Researches prove that victims tend to feel safe and secure in the presence of an officer in a uniform, and they're also more likely to cooperate"

"Yeah, I get that" She said on a mischievous smile "This really makes me want to cooperate" She said seductively as she slowly ran her hands down his body.

"Damnit Emma" He groaned "Why are you doing this to me now?"

"Why are you doing this to me now?" She teased, her hands reaching for his belt.

"No seriously love, I will miss my flight, we can't do this now"

"Ugh" She grumped in frustration "Fine. Go"

He looked into her eyes, lingering for a moment before he asked "Are you mad?"

"I'm not mad" She shook her head as her voice softened "You're right, you should go, we wouldn't want you to miss your flight, otherwise you'd be late for work"

He kissed her softly on the lips before he pushed himself off the bed and said "You know there's a way to end all of this misery"

"Really?" She asked in wonder, watching him as he sling his backpack over his shoulders "And what would that be?"

"You can settle down with me" He said earnestly as he paused to look at her.

Silence.

"Killian – " She began to say, sounding like she was trying to come up with an excuse to dismiss the idea.

"I'm serious Emma" He said when he sat on the bed "Don't you wanna?"

Why did it sound so oddly familiar?

"Where? Boston?" She asked.

"Wherever you pick"

Familiar. Why so damn familiar?

"Here, Boston, somewhere else, perhaps near a beach?" He said as he smiled at her, knowing she loved the beach.

Fuck! Neal. That was why.

Neal had promised her the exact same thing just seven months ago. He promised her a home. A promise that he so mercilessly broke. She trusted Killian but it was just too strange, he practically used the same words, the only thing that was missing was him taking out a map and letting her point, and then it would have been a complete déjà vu.

And it was one moment she didn't want to relive.

"Killian, I ah – " She began to stutter.

"You don't have to give me an answer right now, just say that you'll think about it?"

"Okay" She said as she nodded fiercely, trying to disguise the hesitation in her eyes.

"Wonderful" He took her hand, pressing his lips against her palm "See you Friday"

"Yeah" She replied, watching him as he headed for the door.

"I love you" He said as he glanced at her before he turned the knob and got out, not waiting for her response, something she was actually quite grateful for as she hadn't dared to repeat those three little words since she had first said them.

…

"How was work?" Mary Margaret asked when both women got into bed, slipping under the covers.

"Okay I guess" Emma replied.

"Still exhausting?"

"Yeah" She sighed "I know I shouldn't complain, I'm only serving food and drinks, it's not suppose to be so hard, it's not like I have to handle a bunch of little brats like you"

Mary Margaret chuckled "You work long hours, it's exhausting just the same"

"I feel like I'm going nowhere" Emma said, a hint of despair in her tone of voice "This job is getting me nowhere, it's not paying nearly enough for me to be able to rent a place"

"You'll find something else eventually, it's just a matter of time"

"I know, you're right" Emma replied on a sigh.

The two women shifted in the bed, each trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in.

"Killian wants us to live together" Emma said quietly, her voice just above a whisper.

"That's great" Mary Margaret said in enthusiasm "He is great, you know David and I are very fond of him"

"I know"

"Then how come you don't sound thrilled?" Mary Margaret asked in wonder.

She already knew all about Emma and her walls, but seeing a wonderful guy like Killian, seeing how much he cared for her friend, seeing him coming all the way from Boston the past two weekends just so they could spend time together, seeing over Sunday lunches how much they were in love, she just wanted them to be able to make it work, she wanted Emma to be happy, she wanted what was best for her.

"I don't know" Emma replied as she yawned, the weariness taking over her body "I guess I'm not the settle down kind of girl"

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"I've never stayed in one place for more than six months"

"I think it's because you're scared" Mary Margaret stated.

"I'm not scared" Emma snorted, dismissing her friend's statement.

She wasn't scared. She was absolutely terrified.

It was only seven months ago that she blindly put her heart in someone else's hands just to get it crushed into dust, and the memory still stung.

"Whatever" Mary Margaret said "You will come around eventually"

"Maybe" Emma replied, too tired to resist the pleasant thoughts that crept into her mind, thoughts of her and Killian getting their happy ending.

…

It was Friday again and she just had the worst day. Work was really beginning to wear her down, she spilled drinks three times that day, thankfully only one time out of the three was on a furious customer, she also mixed up the orders more times than she got them right, it wasn't like her, it just wasn't her day, so she couldn't be more happy when Killian arrived, her sweet sign that her shift was about to end.

She barely managed to close the door of the room at Granny's and he was already pinning her against the wall, attacking the exposed skin of her neck and collarbone with his lips, his hands reaching under her skirt, tugging on her panties, eagerly pushing the material down as he moved to open his pants.

"Easy tiger" She breathed heavily and before she managed to get another word out of her mouth she was already up in the air with him buried inside of her "Gods Killian!" She cried as her eyes widened in surprise.

"I missed you" He said desperately, kissing her lips as if they were a drug and he was a junkie in a bad need for a fix "We can't keep on doing this, a week is just too damn long" He whispered between hungry kisses "And you not reactivating your phone makes phone sex impossible"

It didn't take him long before he succeeded to pull her in with him, making her forget all about the shitty day she had had as he had her crying in pleasure when he played her body like only he knew how, first against the wall, then moving them to the bed, discarding her shirt and bra on the way, pulling his own shirt over his head once they landed on the bed, wanting to feel the warmth that radiated from her body, wanting to feel her skin against his, to feel her heart beating against his chest, wrapping her in his arms, putting all his love into every kiss, every move, every touch, every whisper. Telling her again and again how much he loved her, how much he wanted her, how much he needed her. Taking in her smile as if it were the sun on a rainy day, worshiping her body like the goddess she was to him as he found himself getting lost in the moment, getting completely lost in her.

…

It was Sunday noon when Emma came to pick Killian up for their usual Sunday launch at Mary Margaret's.

She walked into the bed and breakfast to find him engaging in a friendly chat with Ariel, he was leaning forward on the reception desk, his eyes fixed on Ariel, a smile lifting his lips as she laughed and batted her eyes at something he had said, her signature flirty smile plastered across her face.

Walking past them Emma climbed up the stairs storming into his room with him right on her tracks.

"What's going on?" He asked in bewilderment.

"You tell me" She said in anger, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Come on, you know there's nothing going on between Ariel and me" He explained "She simply needed an ear"

"This"

"What?" He asked in confusion.

"This is the real reason that you find yourself in these situations" She exclaimed "You are an emotional cheater"

"You can't mean that, it's my job, it's what I do, it's who I am, I'm a listener, you know that" He countered when she gave him a pointed stare "Do you really expect me to turn my back on someone in distress?"

"She didn't seem distressed to me"

"Well she is. She's going through a tough time, but why do I have the feeling that this has nothing to do with it?" He narrowed his eyes trying to read her and she averted her gaze in response, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes "There's more to this than just Ariel, isn't there?"

There was.

"Love, what's really going on?" He asked softly when he took a step in her direction.

"I forgot to take the pills" She blurted out when silent tears began to stream down her cheeks.

"Missing one pill can't get you pregnant" He said on a light chuckle, relieved to discover that that was the reason she was upset.

"Yes it can" She exclaimed.

And she would know. It already happened to her once before.

"Besides it's not just one pill, I finished the last package of pills that they gave me in prison two weeks ago, I was suppose to go and get a prescription but between work and life – " She buried her head in her hands "I just can't believe I forgot" She widened her eyes in shock to her own words, to her on actions.

What was happening to her? Why was she doing that same mistake? She was losing her head over a guy again. That was why.

"Why don't you let me take care of protection?"

"I think it's a little bit too late for that" She replied in sarcasm as she began pacing nervously back and forth in the small room.

"Emma calm down, it still doesn't necessary mean that you're pregnant"

"I'm probably ovulating as we speak" She exclaimed angrily "If I wasn't already while you were fucking me against the wall, or maybe it was the bed, or the shower, I don't really know anymore" She said when snapshots from their sexual activities in the last couple of days rushed through her mind.

"Don't say fucking. Why do you say fucking?" He grimaced, his tone of voice firm and annoyed as he resented the term "I'm not fucking you, I'm loving you, there's a big difference so please don't say I'm fucking you, cause that sounds just plain wrong"

"You're missing the point" She looked at him in frustration "I can't have a baby"

"Why do you say I? We're in this together"

"Fine. We can't have a baby"

"Why not?" He asked simply as her jaw dropped, taken aback by his question.

"I think I'm gonna go now since you've obviously lost your mind" She looked at him in astonishment before she headed for the door.

"Why not?" He asked again, more firmly this time, as if he were demanding an answer when her hand froze on the doorknob.

She whipped around to face him, her eyes wide in shock, her face red with anger as she exclaimed loudly "I don't want a baby. I'm eighteen for god sake" She looked at him, refusing to believe that he was being serious, only his eyes telling her that he was "I can't keep doing this with you" She shook her head "It's obvious that we want different things, you want a new wife, and now apparently a baby as well "

"It's not what I want" He cut her off.

"Then what do you want?" She crossed her arms across her chest again as she waited intently for his words to come out.

"What I really want is you"

Boom. Déjà vu.

She looked at him as if he had cursed her, tears quickly filling her eyes, blurring her vision when her face cringed in pain and she stormed out of the room.

It was happening again. All over again. The memory still oh so fresh in her mind, the memory of her wrapping her arms around Neal's neck when he had said those exact same words. 'What I really want is you'. What a joke.

…

"Where's Killian?" David asked when Emma stepped into the apartment.

"He's not coming"

"Why?" David asked as his eyes met the sad expression on her face "Something happened?"

She couldn't form a word, choking on her own breath, biting back the sobs that threatened to burst.

"Emma what's wrong?" Mary Margaret asked when she left the kitchen in favor of standing next to her husband to be.

Emma just shook her head, her face reddening from strangled emotions, silent tears falling down her cheeks as Mary Margaret leaped to pull her into a hug, drawing soothing circles on her back.

After she calmed down they sat at the kitchen and she told Mary Margaret about the pills. Mary Margaret bled for her, knowing how hard she took it when she found out she was pregnant back in prison, knowing how badly she was affected by the miscarriage, knowing how much Emma felt incapable of taking care of herself let alone a child. She tried to comfort her when the nosy yet endearing David interfered.

"You know you can take the morning after pill" He intervened even though nobody asked for his opinion. The two women turned to listen intently "You take it after you, well you know" He smiled in embarrassment "Anyway, it's suppose to be really effective"

"Well aren't you quite the expert" Mary Margaret gave him a half surprised, half suspicious look "Where would you know?"

"I didn't grow up in a farm you know" He crossed his arms across his chest, pretending to be offended "I actually hear things" He shrugged when Mary Margaret smiled at him warmly.

"It's settled then" Mary Margaret got up "You stay here while David and I will go get you those pills"

"Thanks" Emma blinked heavily when the two left the apartment.

She was left alone in the empty space, just her and her thoughts. Knowing that the pills might put an end to the possibility of a pregnancy, but they wouldn't really fix what happened, cause it wasn't the fact that it happened that truly bothered her, it was why it happened.

She knew why, she recognized that feeling, she experienced it before, and it was ten times worse this time, she knew she was so wrapped up in her love for Killian that she was beginning to lose herself, slowly giving herself to him, piece by piece.

And he kept wanting more and more, not settling for what she had to give, pushing and pressing for her to give him her all.

But she couldn't.

Every time she had thought about giving her all she panicked, feeling an ache in her chest, feeling like she couldn't breathe, feeling as if she was drowning.

She just couldn't handle it anymore, she couldn't handle her feelings for him, she couldn't handle her work anymore, she couldn't handle staying in one place, and it was time for her to do what she had always done. Run.

…

"Swan open up" Killian's voice along with a few loud knocks came from the other side of the door.

"Please don't tell him I'm here" Emma pleaded to Mary Margaret.

"I don't feel comfortable lying to him" Mary Margaret said softly, her eyes apologizing "And besides, don't you think it's better for the two of you to talk?"

"I'll handle this" David interfered.

"Thanks" Emma said quietly before she went upstairs.

David waited for Emma to disappear from sight before he walked towards the door.

"Hey mate" Killian said when David opened the door.

"Emma is not here" David replied, trying to look believable as possible.

"Her car is just outside" Killian said, his hand gesturing towards the stairs.

"Yeah" David kept a straight face "She went for a walk"

Killian studied David for a moment, his gut telling him he was lying as he decided to step into the apartment, slightly pushing David aside in the process.

"Swan" He called towards the upstairs room "I know you are up there" He said in conviction, didn't seem to care that David and Mary Margaret were exchanging looks and shooting all kinds of awkward glances his way "You can't shut me out for something that didn't even happen" He waited for a long quiet moment before he sighed and added "Okay. I'm gonna go now, but I expect you to come and talk to me, you know I'll be waiting"

And he was out the door.

…

He couldn't sleep, kept glancing at the clock, the hours not passing by when a heavy feeling settled in his chest. He knew he had pushed too hard, wanting her to confess her feelings for him, asking her to settle down with him and god forbid mentioning the possibility of her having a family with him. He knew it was too much, he had seen it on her face, and he knew he shouldn't have pressed the way that he did but he just couldn't help himself.

That was it. In a few hours he was about to leave for the airport and he didn't get the chance to talk to her one more time.

Every little sound from the hall or the street making him tense in anticipation, in hope that she might have changed her mind, that she might have decided to come and see him.

Only that she didn't.

The last two hours he couldn't stand lying in bed anymore and he went to sit outside the building, taking in the fresh air straight into his lungs, trying to ease the ache in his chest with the deep breaths.

Only it didn't help.

He waited until the very last minute in hope that she'd have a change of heart.

But she didn't.

…

He got out of the cab, his eyes following the plane in the sky, the noise too loud, too disturbing as he reached for his backpack, thinking to himself that he really should find those god damn earphones already when the cab drove away and his eyes landed on Emma.

Relief. She came to see him before he was leaving.

His face lit up in an instance as he hurried to cross the crosswalk and get over to her "Emma" He called when he was closer, a big smile spread across his face "I'm so glad you decided to come, I would have hated to leave without – " He began to say but was cut short by the grim expression on her face.

Tense. She didn't come to kiss and make up.

"Killian" She said quietly in an apologetic tone, her eyes avoiding his.

Pain. She came to say goodbye.

"Don't do this" He shook his head, taking a step closer "Let's talk this out" He reached for her arm only to stumble upon her walls, her gaze cold and distant as she took a step back, leaving him to look at his hand in midair as he closed it into a fist, drawing it back.

"You have a plane to catch"

Did she do it on purpose? Coming in the last minute knowing they won't have time to talk?

"I'll call in sick" He said without a thought.

He never called in sick.

"Please, let's talk about this" He pleaded, the desperation starting to take over his voice to the sight of her walls soaring higher and higher with each second that was passing by, as if they were trying to reach to the throne of god.

"There's nothing to talk about"

"So this is it?" He asked firmly, his blue eyes piercing her green ones "You've already made up your mind and I have absolutely no say in this?"

Silence.

"Is this your way of getting back at me?" He asked as she gave him a puzzled look "For turning you down to begin with?"

He was desperate, didn't know what to think anymore.

"What? No" She said in determination.

"Then how come you are doing this?" He demanded an answer, the pain distinct in his voice.

"Killian" She swallowed hard "It's not you it's me"

He let out a bitter chuckle "Please don't tell me you are actually using that line on me" He said, directing his gaze to her, trying to catch her wandering eyes as he took a deep breath to calm himself down before he said softly "Emma love – "

"Look it was too soon" She cut him off.

"What was?"

"This. Us. It was too soon. We practically met two weeks after I got out of a relationship, I didn't even get the chance – "

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" He asked in disbelief, his eyes studying her frantically as he refused to believe his ears.

"What?"

"Are you implying I am your rebound?" He asked in a strangled voice.

"That's not what I said, I simply said that it was bad timing, I was in an emotional turmoil when we met and I barely managed to process the ending of my previous relationship"

"That is the definition of a rebound" He exclaimed in frustration as his hands tightened on the straps of his backpack "You've been waiting to do this all along, haven't you?"

"What?"

"Push me away. You were just looking for a reason, and this. Whatever you think this is, is not a real reason" He exhaled before he continued "I just don't get you, one minute you're saying you love me the next you're going cold on me?"

"You made me say it" She spat, the words slipping from her lips without a thought.

Did she really just say that?

The image of her wrapping her arms around his neck, smiling at him as she whispered those three little words, now tainted forever in his mind.

Her words were like a knife, pressing against his chest, sliding all the way in, splitting his heart without a drop of mercy, leaving him desperately gasping for air as the knife twisted inside his chest in excruciating pain.

He really should have left right there and then, the pain was already too much to bear, but the glimpse of hope, or maybe it was the masochist in him that just had to ask.

"You lied then? You don't love me?" He asked when they locked eyes, his eyes desperate for an answer, trying to find it in hers, the overwhelming pain just too damn distracting as he failed to keep his gaze and it fell to the ground.

Her wordless silence took the knife out of his chest, leaving him to bleed out on the pavement, until there wasn't a drop of blood left in his body, the light in his eyes fading away, the smile on his lips long gone, only a shadow of his once happy self left to stand alone outside the terminal, his aching blue eyes watching her as she walked away when another plane lowered its wheels, preparing to land.

Only this time he wasn't able to hear a thing.

.

.

.

Please don't kill me, blame it on Rumple, he made me do it :P

Happy ONCE day, I hope tonight's episode will make up for the pain I might have caused you…