Chapter 20 – Rock bottom
Of course she loved him.
There wasn't a doubt in her mind, soul or body that she loved him.
It killed her to walk away from him the way that she did. Leaving his question unanswered, letting him think that she didn't love him, but she had felt as if she had no other choice.
When she came to see him outside the airport her mind had already been set on leaving Storybrooke, on going out on the road again. She had already quit her job and said her goodbyes to Mary Margaret and David, and the last thing she had to do was say goodbye to Killian, knowing that had he had known just how much she loved him, he would have never let her go.
So she had said nothing, and when he lowered his gaze the tears she held back the entire conversation suddenly had a mind of their own as they began to stream silently down her cheeks, leaving her with no other choice than to turn around and walk away.
It broke her heart, her already damaged no good of a heart, only this time it was her own doing, and she had no one else to blame but herself.
All along, during all the time that she and Killian had spent together, she felt unworthy of neither him nor his love.
The years she had spent as an orphan in the foster care system really took their toll on her, burning her self esteem to the ground, and Neal's slap in the face was just the last nail in that coffin, leaving her to believe that she was anything but love worthy.
So when Killian came along, besides the fear that history might repeat itself, besides the fear of being hurt and abundant by him, she just couldn't believe that he was genuinely interested in her, that he really cared about her, that he truly loved her.
Right from the start Killian basically didn't stand a chance, it was as if he were fighting a lost battle as she had already been too damaged and scarred to accept his love and let him in.
And it wasn't because of something that he had or hadn't done. It was her, all her and the fact that she had spent eighteen fucking years without anybody making her feel that she was worth enough to be loved.
When she was a six months old baby that began teething no one soothed her or calmed her down, so she just cried out the pain to the point of exhaustion, one of her first lessons that she just wasn't important enough for someone to care.
And when she was a one year old who just learned her first words and walked her first steps no one smiled at her, cheered or clapped in enthusiasm. She never had someone to caress and lullaby her to sleep let alone to take her to 'mommy and me' classes. When she was six and learned how to read and write no one patted her on the shoulder, saying 'way to go Emma'. At that age her eyes were already full of insecurities as she had been proven time and time again that she was just not worth anybody's time. She had no one that could come to her first dance recital, her first play at school, her first debate. When she was picked on at school she had no shoulder to cry on or hands to embrace her. She was just tossed around from home to home, never staying more than six months in one place, never really having a bed let alone a room of her own.
She wasn't used to someone putting her first, so when Killian kept saying that he loved her, when he whispered it in her ear over and over again, she didn't believe him, she couldn't believe him, she was afraid to believe him, she just kept waiting for someone to bring down the curtain, saying the show was over.
…
Almost five months had passed since he had last seen her.
A few days after she had left him aching outside the airport, he found out that she had left Storybrooke and he had been searching for her ever since. Running her social security number and her plate number through national databases for the tiniest piece of information that might rise to the surface, calling Mary Margaret on a weekly basis, hoping that maybe she had heard something from Emma, and even calling Ruby, knowing they were good friends back in prison.
But nothing.
For almost five months he had found nothing. Until one day he found something, a tiny trail that just might lead him to Emma.
He stormed out of his office, hurrying down the station's halls, happy to find William Smee, the officer on duty at the front desk.
Smee was an old friend from high school, same friend who had told him about the job opening at the department when he quit his job at the prison.
Killian patted on the desk, getting Smee's attention before he said "Please tell the chief I'll be gone for a couple of days"
"Hey what's going on? Did you find anything?" Smee asked in curiosity.
"I did" Killian replied excited "She got a parking ticket three days ago in Tallahassee, I'm gonna go down there, so can you...?" His voice trailed off when he headed to the door.
"Sure, no problem" Smee nodded.
"Great thanks" Killian said in haste, one hand on the handle, the other sending a wave at Smee.
"Good luck" He called at Killian who was already out the door of the station.
...
He took a flight to Tallahassee, which was the fastest way getting over there, not wanting to waste any time, not wanting to miss out on the opportunity of seeing her again. He drove around the blocks in his rental, surrounding the address of where she got the ticket, again and again, until he spotted the yellow bug outside a local coffee shop.
His heart skipped a beat to the possibility of seeing her again and he took a deep breath right before he walked into that coffee shop, noticing her long golden hair the moment he stepped through that door.
She was leaning against the counter as she waited for her order, her sleeves rolled up, so a quick glance at her bare wrists could have easily let him know that she wasn't wearing his bracelet anymore.
"Large latte coming up" The worker sing-sang as he handed Emma the large cup to go.
"Latte?" He asked and she jumped when his voice suddenly came from behind, having no doubt to whom it belonged as she was able to recognize his husky yet soft voice anywhere, the voice that used to whisper love and praise in her ear, the voice that in the most beautiful of mornings was the first sound she had heard, the voice that knew how to sooth her with just a word "What happened to cocoa with cinnamon?" He smiled softly as she turned around to face him, her big green eyes widening in shock to the sight of him.
What was he doing there?
"Killian" She murmured before she cleared her throat and said "It's not mine" She shook her head, a small smile quickly being replaced by a grimace as she shifted nervously, glancing back over her shoulder a couple of times, as if she were waiting for someone.
"What happened?" He asked in concern when he noticed the cut she had on her cheek, his thumb hovering over it.
She tensed at the sight of his hand getting so close to her face, the ghosting thumb driving her insane as she fought the urge to flutter her eyes shut and fall directly into his touch, directly into his arms.
God she missed him so much that every bone in her body screamed out his name.
"Nothing" She said as a sad smile lifted her lips, letting him know that she was lying "What are you doing here?" She asked and before he had a chance to respond a tall brown haired, blue eyed man popped by her side.
"Thanks babe" The man said as he took the latte out of her hand, leaning his other arm on her shoulder as he took a sip.
Babe? What the hell?
Both Killian and Emma tensed, each of his own reasons.
Killian studied the possessive way the man leaned his arm on Emma's shoulder, as if she were his property. Needless to say that Killian didn't like the gesture or the man one bit.
"Well, aren't you going to introduce us?" The man asked as he grinned, eyeing Killian as he took another sip of his drink.
"Right" Emma said nervously, forcing a smile as she gestured with her hand towards Killian "Jefferson, Killian Jones. Killian, Jefferson Hatter" She introduced in a perfunctory manner, and she looked as if her pants were on fire, feeling that she just couldn't get out of there fast enough.
Jefferson passed the cup to his other hand so he could take Killian's hand into a shake as Killian gave him a nod and faked a smile.
"So what is it that you do Jones?" Jefferson asked Killian, who despite the awkward situation managed to maintain his coolness.
"I'm a social worker at the Boston PD, you?"
"I own a hat factory" Jefferson replied shortly "Boston ha? So what brings you here?"
Killian noticed that Emma tensed at the question, not that she wasn't tense before, but something about that question made her tense even more as her jaw clenched and her eyes that kept avoiding his gaze suddenly locked on his in anticipation, or maybe it was anxiety, for his words to come out.
…
Of course she was tense. Countless of thoughts ran through her mind.
What was he doing there? Was it a coincidence that their paths crossed again or maybe he had come looking for her? How did he even know where to find her? And why would he even want to?
She wasn't sure what answer she was wishing to hear.
A part of her hoped that he did come looking for her, that he had missed her as much as she had missed him. The other part wished that he didn't, that it was just a coincidence. After all she ran for a reason, she wanted to escape from her life, from him, from herself. So yes, a part of her did wish he would just go away without stirring unnecessary drama.
"I came to see an old friend" Killian replied simply, his gaze not leaving hers, watching as her sad eyes softened and whispered gratitude before she averted her gaze to Jefferson.
"Come on let's go" She said as she patted with her hand on Jefferson's chest, urging him to leave.
"See you around Jones" Jefferson said, grinning to himself, as if some kind of a realization was dawning on him.
Emma and Jefferson turned to leave, his arm still leaning on her shoulder as they left Killian to watch them as they headed for the door.
She wasn't going to look back. She really really wasn't going to look back.
She looked back.
Just when they reached the door she couldn't fight the urge anymore as she turned her head to glance at him over her shoulder, meeting those piercing blue eyes for even the briefest of moments bringing tears to her eyes.
Fuck. She missed him.
…
"Killian" Her eyes widened in surprise when she opened the door of the apartment "What are you doing here?"
"Can I come in?" He asked as he stepped with determination into the apartment, not waiting for her response.
"How did you know where…?" Her voice trailed off when she looked in confusion at the hall, then at him and back at the hall when she reluctantly closed the door behind them.
"How did I know where to find you?" He completed the question for her.
"Yeah"
"Well there is only one hat factory in this damned city, so locating your boyfriend's address wasn't too difficult of a task" He said plainly, but the bitterness at the word boyfriend was distinct in his tone of voice.
"He's not my boyfriend" She stated, a nervous small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.
"Denying as usual" He murmured as he fought the urge to roll his eyes.
"I'm sorry?" She raised her brow, even though she had heard him perfectly fine.
"What are you doing with this piece of shit anyway?" He exclaimed, directing his gaze to her as she was taken aback by his choice of words "He doesn't deserve you"
"You don't know him" She shot back.
"I know that he hurt you" He said, his voice thick with emotion as he gestured with his hand towards her cheek.
"It wasn't like that" She dismissed, huffing a breath through her nose as she crossed her arms across her chest, her body getting into defense mode "It was an accident"
The memory of Jefferson's ring nicking her cheek when he slapped her across the face with the back of his hand was still fresh in her mind.
"What a lovely tale" He said, a hint of sarcasm in his tone of voice as he looked at her for a long moment, his eyes letting her know that he wasn't buying it for a second.
"Well I hit him first" She finally admitted "So it's not like I didn't provoke him, and he did say he was sorry"
"Don't see your point there" He said unconvinced as he shook his head "Look Swan, I've seen enough cases of abuse, you don't want – "
"So now I'm one of your cases again?" She asked annoyed, raising her brow "Should I remind you that you're not my officer anymore?"
"You're right, I'm not" He said as his tone began to soften "But I am someone who cares about you"
Cares. Love was just too painful of a word.
He looked at her for a long moment, her gaze avoiding his as it wandered around the room.
His first intention had been coming there and confronting her for leaving him, for hurting him, for being a coward and running away from him, but when he saw the life she had chosen for herself all he wanted to do was talk some sense into her. It wasn't about him anymore, it wasn't about them either, it was about her.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" He asked, his eyes revealing true concern "What is it that makes you feel so worthless?"
She directed her gaze to him, the word getting her attention as it hit too close to home "I don't know what you're talking about"
"Would you stop with the denial already?" He asked in frustration.
"You stop!" She exclaimed as her eyes flamed with anger "Stop psychoanalyzing me, you don't know me – "
"I know you better than you know yourself" He cut her off decisively as they locked eyes.
Silence.
"You need to go" She finally said, her voice changing its tone as she suddenly sounded sad and insecure "Jefferson is about to come any minute now"
"I don't care"
"Well I do" She said firmly.
"Fine, if that's what you want then I'll go, but not before you tell me what happened to the bracelet I gave you" He suddenly gestured with his head to her hand, his question taking her by surprise as she lingered for a moment, looking at him, her eyes penetrating his, before she walked past him, his gaze following her as she grabbed her bag from the couch and took out the purple velvet box, walking back to hand it to him.
So that was the reason he came? To take back his bracelet?
Her mind drifted to the day he had given it to her, it had been on her eighteen birthday, and she remembered looking at the six delicate gold plated letter charms that formed the word savior, the word that couldn't be further than what she had felt back then and surprisingly even more so at that very moment.
Apparently she has just reached a new low.
She looked at him as he took the bracelet out of the box and reached for her hand without saying a word.
Before he got the chance to take her hand she drew it back as if she had been burned, moving it behind her back to anchor at her elbow "You should keep it, or pawn it or whatever, it's yours" She said quietly.
"That is your mistake right there. It's yours, not mine"
"Well I don't want it" She said without a thought "And I could have mailed it to you or something" She looked into his eyes, noticing that her words were hurting him as he blinked heavily.
Fuck. Not again. She couldn't do it anymore, she just couldn't hurt him again, couldn't watch the pain in his eyes, he didn't deserve that.
"I'm no savior" She blurted out, a sour smile twitching her lips, knowing that her confession was putting her in a vulnerable position, but it was better than the alternative which was hurting him with her lies "More like a failure" She chuckled at herself in self-contempt.
"I already told you, the only who can save you is you" He said softly, reaching for her hand again "And one day you will" He said as he took her hand in his, the touch sending shivers down her spine, reminding her just how much she had been missing him, making her feel the pain she had been trying so hard to numb, the pain of longing that took residence in her heart, that refused to vanish, refused to go away as it was sharp, vivid and raw than ever. He averted his gaze from the bracelet to her, their eyes locking for a brief moment, his mesmerizing blue eyes soft and loving, full of belief in her "That's much better" He said when he finished putting it on and smiled at her.
She returned a small sad smile, feeling the tears sting at the back of her eyes. She wanted to ask him to wait, ask him to stay, but the lump in her throat prevented her from saying a word, knowing that if she would to open her mouth she would break down and cry, so when he turned to leave and his hand reached for the doorknob, she said nothing.
"Remember, even the best fall down sometimes" Were his last words when he looked at her over his shoulder before he stepped out, closing the door behind him, leaving her with the words stuck in her throat, unable to let them out, unable to plead him to stay, unable to even say as much as a thank you.
She looked at the closed door before she closed her eyes, tears falling down her cheeks as she took the deepest breath she had ever taken in her entire life, wanting to inhale every bit of his scent that lingered in the room.
…
"Who were you talking to?" Jefferson startled her as his voice suddenly filled the room.
He had this weird habit (one in many) in which he occasionally got up the fire escape and entered the apartment through the window.
"No one" She tried to wipe the guilt along with her tears off her face before she turned to face him.
"Come here" He beckoned her to come closer, sticking his head out the window as she walked over to him, closing the distance between them "Jones isn't it?" He asked, turning to face her when his hand reached to bury in her hair, slowly closing it into a fist as he pulled her to look out the window.
"You're hurting me" She cried.
"Sorry babe" He released his grip, his hand caressing the back of her head with intention to sooth at where he had hurt her a moment earlier "What was he doing here?" He asked in suspicion as they both turned their gaze from Killian, who was crossing the street, back to each other.
"Nothing" She said innocently and shrugged.
"So what you're saying is that he came here to do nothing?" He asked in sarcasm, his tone of voice indicating that he was irritated with her attempt to brush him off as he raised his brow and directed his gaze to hers.
He started walking slowly, each step of his forcing her to take a step back until she stumbled on the bed behind her. He crawled on top of her, leaving her no choice but to lay back, his hand moving to stroke her throat as his eyes locked with hers and he said firmly "I think he came here so you can screw him in my apartment"
"What? No!" She said decisively as she shook her head "I didn't screw him, nor do I want to"
"You mean not yet" He said, drawing his bottom lip in between his teeth as a wicked grin spread across his face.
"Okay this is insane, you don't know what you're talking about" She protested nervously and Jefferson who was particularly sensitive to the mad innuendo tightened his fingers around her throat as he slowly compressed her windpipe and caused the intake of air to be nearly impossible.
"You're lying, I'm just not sure whether you're lying to me about screwing him or you're lying to yourself about wanting to, so which one is it?" He narrowed his eyes at her.
"I can't breathe" She barely managed to let the words out of her mouth, her face turning red from exertion as she placed both of her hands on his right one, her delicate fingers trying and failing to release his grip on her.
"I guess I'll have to see for myself" He said before he slid his other hand down her pants as she writhe underneath him, still struggling to breathe "Lying to yourself then" He said with a sneer as he released her and pushed himself off the bed.
She didn't waste any time, not even waiting a fraction of a second to catch her breath before she got up and slapped him hard across the face "You piece of shit" She shouted angrily, her voice coming out breathy and croaky from the struggle as Killian's words poured out of her mouth "You don't deserve me"
Jefferson looked at her, seemingly unbothered with the fact that her hand left a red mark on his cheek as he laughed "Yeah, you keep telling yourself that"
"What's that suppose to mean?" She asked, her eyes piercing his with anger.
"You don't need me telling you" He said when he began walking towards the kitchen, her hand reaching for her throat, trying to sooth the burning skin as he continued "You know exactly who you are and where you came from, no bracelet is ever going to change that"
Her eyes widened in shock when her hand stilled on her throat.
That sharp bastard. Nothing got past him.
She had two choices, stay or leave.
Two options, believe Jefferson (and herself for that matter) or believe Killian and in his faith in her.
Second option it was.
She reached for her bag as she began to pack up her stuff. She only lived there for six weeks and didn't have a lot of things in his apartment, some clothes, a pair of spare boots, hairbrush, toothbrush, a book and her favorite handless glass. Being homeless for so long she got used to pack light and leave most of her stuff in her car.
"No make up sex then?" He joked as he watched her bustling around the apartment gathering her stuff.
She rolled her eyes inwardly.
For the mad man that he was the sex with him was rather dull. It was obvious that he knew the techniques, but something was severely missing, and even in those make up sex sessions, which were the best of them all, she still preferred to close her eyes and imagine it was Killian who was moving inside of her, who was touching her body and making her come.
The one thing she absolutely couldn't bring herself to imagine was his lips. Jefferson was a good kisser, but not as nearly as good as Killian, no one could have competed with Killian's intoxicating mouth, with the way his lips fitted perfectly to hers, with his tongue that knew exactly how to dance around inside her mouth, every movement making her feel so high, making her feel like she was flying, making her feel loved.
She ignored Jefferson completely as she finished gathering her stuff and headed for the door.
"Babe" He blocked the door, as he leaned his back against it "Don't go" He said in a soft voice as she glared at him, giving him a pointed stare "I'm sorry"
"You keep saying that" She said, her tone harsh and unforgiving as she put down her stuff and crossed her arms across her chest.
"You know I didn't mean it, I was having a jealous fit, just look at you, can you blame me?" He smiled at her, his blue eyes trying to soften her as his hand pushed her hair back over her shoulder "Come on" He reached his hand to her waist, hauling her body to his, his lips hovering over hers, watching as her eyes softened a bit. He caressed her throat with his hand, the same hand that chocked her just moments before "I'm sorry" He whispered, grazing her lips with his "Come on, let's just fuck and make up"
Her eyes immediately hardened back as she pushed him away "You really are an ass, you know that?" She said as she picked up her stuff.
"What?" He chuckled in confusion as he shrugged "What did I say?"
She just rolled her eyes at him before she slammed the door behind her.
…
Jefferson got up from his place on the couch to the sound of a knock on the door "She's not here" He said as he walked back into his apartment, leaving Killian to stand in front of the opened door.
"Do you know where can I find her?" Killian asked as Jefferson lay back on the couch, leaning his legs on the coffee table, crossing them at the ankles.
"I assumed she was with you" Jefferson stated but Killian who was confused couldn't tell if Jefferson was being serious since he was sitting with his back to him "Didn't she went running straight to you when she left yesterday?" Jefferson asked, this time looking over his shoulder to study Killian's reaction.
Killian didn't reply, he just stood there at the doorway, his eyes wide in surprise and confusion and his mouth slightly open as if he were searching for the words to say.
"I'll take it as a no" Jefferson said when he turned his head back "I always said she was one weird chick" He picked up the remote and turned on the TV "See yourself out, will you Jones?"
The mention of his name made Killian snap out of his haze mode as he turned to leave, closing the door behind him when he did.
Was he supposed to be glad or disappointed?
He wasn't sure.
A part of him was really glad and relieved that she had left that scum, the other part was disappointed that she hadn't come looking for him, then again he still didn't know if she had been missing him as much as he had been missing her, if she even wanted to be with him, if she still loved him, or more accurately if she had ever loved him.
Will he ever know?