Chapter 22 – The thin line between love and hate
God he hated her.
She had ruined him and his evening.
Unable to get her off his mind for even the briefest of moments since he had laid eyes on her, he spent the entire evening brooding, which caused Belle to ask him at least five times over dinner if he was okay, and he lied, every single time.
He and Belle had an open, honest relationship, a relationship that was built on mutual respect and trust, he had never lied to her before, and he hated himself for going down that road.
Belle didn't know Emma was an old flame of his, she assumed Emma was an old friend, nothing more, so he didn't set her straight, and she didn't pry.
He was well aware that Belle had noticed that something was bothering him, telling him that he looked 'as if he had seen a ghost'.
He agonized over the fact that he couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth, couldn't share with her what was really on his mind, the way they had always used to do.
He felt horrible not being able to concentrate on her, not being able to enjoy his evening with her and give her the attention she deserved.
And it was all because of her.
God he hated her.
When he got out of the shower and slipped under the covers he hoped that Belle would already be asleep, but she wasn't. She turned around to face him, a soft smile lifting her lips as her gentle hand reached to caress his cheek. He gazed into the calm blue sky of her eyes, but his mind kept playing tricks on him as all he could see was a wild green sea reflecting back at him.
And when Belle's lips touched his, he found himself fluttering his eyes shut as other pair of lips haunted his thoughts.
But it was Belle's body pressed against his what sent him back to that week from hell, a little bit over a year after Emma had disappeared on him for the second time.
That week when he had completely lost it, when he had suddenly broke down, when he had lost all hope to ever see her again, when he had missed her so much that he feared his soul might leave his body in search for hers, in hope to reunite with hers somehow, when all he had been able to think of was her smile, her eyes, her lips against his, their intertwined fingers when they had made love.
His body needed hers, his eyes longed to see her, his heart beat her name. He had felt that the longings were making him lose his mind, and something inside of him had snapped as he found himself doing the unthinkable, using random girls in a desperate attempt to numb his pain. Not that the girls had minded, but he had, it was such an out of character thing for him to do and he was anything but proud of it. Every night that week he had visited a different bar, picked up a different long-haired blonde, jumped at the first opportunity given, and found creative ways to make her turn around so he wouldn't have to see her face when he fucked her, wouldn't have to see that she hadn't been the blonde that his whole being had been aching for.
Lord knows he hated himself for doing that and he hated her for having such a devastating effect on him.
He didn't want to do to Belle what he had done to those girls, he didn't want to make love to her pretending she was somebody else, so he pulled her into his embrace as he whispered in her ear 'let's just go to sleep love'.
And so they did.
…
Stepping into his office as he got back from lunch he realized that the velvet ring box was still inside the pocket of his jacket. He took it out and threw it into the drawer in utter frustration as more emotions surged his body, and he wasn't sure which one to focus on first, eventually he plumped into the chair, burying his head in his hands as self-reproach took over him.
He hated himself for letting Emma divert him from his course, hated that she had such an impact on him that he couldn't bring himself to propose the way he had planned.
And once again his dream of a family had been crushed.
A family. He wanted one since he had lost his parents at the age of fifteen, and that desire only grew when his brother left the states and he was left completely alone.
Meeting Milah a few years later had awarded him front-row tickets to the premiere screening of his dream demolition, starring his heart that had been tragically killed halfway through the movie.
Then Emma had been the one to slam that door in his face when she had made it perfectly clear that it hadn't been something she wished to have.
Not with him? Not ever? He really didn't know. Not that it mattered anymore.
And now, he was so close to his dream he could almost reach out and touch it.
He loved Belle, he cared about her. True, it hadn't been love at first sight, and he had never been madly in love with her, but she was good to him as he to her. She was sane and collected, much like him. They barely had ups and downs during the ten months they had spent together, they never fought, which was a bit weird but he reckoned that would be a good thing once they'd have kids.
He smacked the drawer shut, thinking that he could wait two more months to propose on their one year anniversary, thinking that by then the Emma storm would probably die down.
She never had the tendency to stay too long at one place anyway.
"You seem preoccupied"
A soft thunder letting him know that the sky just split open and he was going to get soaked to the bone.
He raised his gaze to find Emma standing at his doorway with a medium sized decorative cardboard box in her hands.
"I won't bother you, I just wanted to give you this" She gestured with the box.
They locked eyes, their mouths wordless, their bodies motionless, the air in the room getting thicker by the second until one could probably cut it with a knife.
Why did she come?
…
She could feel herself burning under his intense gaze. At that moment he didn't seem like the laid-back and lively person she had used to know, he seemed tense, suspicious and guarded.
"Well what is it?" He finally asked, breaking the breathtaking silence.
Thank god. She could breathe again.
She smiled nervously, her movements hesitant and unsure as she closed the door and approached his desk.
He got up and walked around his chair, leaning his hands on top of the backrest, basically using the chair like a shield as he wanted to put as much distance between them as he possibly could.
"It's for your birthday" She said when she set the box down on his desk "I was going to give it to you yesterday, but you can say that the evening took an unexpected turn…" She raised a brow and smiled, trying to look amused with the whole painful situation until they locked eyes again and the nervousness returned to her flickering eyes as she swallowed hard "So…I'm gonna go now" She said as she rubbed her hands on the denim fabric of her tights in a nervous gesture before she turned to leave.
He pushed himself off the chair and hurried to open the door for her.
Always the gentleman.
Halfway through, wanting to get past her and get to the door he took a step to the left as she took one to the right, almost bumping heads they smiled awkwardly at each other. He then took a step to the other side and she mirrored his movement, his whole body tensing when he realized she was doing it on purpose, doing it with intention to block his way.
…
"What are you doing?" He tensed even more when her hands reached to cup his neck, his hands reaching for her wrists.
"I missed you" She whispered in some sort of a plea, her words cutting him deep down to the very soul.
She was the one who left, she was the one to put him through the hell of longing. She missed him? That lass got some nerve.
"Don't" He whispered, slightly shaking his head as he gazed at the floor for a long moment before he lifted his gaze back to her "Don't" He whispered again when they locked eyes, hers pleading, his full of torment.
Her bottom lip began to tremble and her eyes welled up with tears as she anticipated the rejection when he gently tore her hands away from his neck, his hands not letting go of her wrists, feeling the cold metal of her bracelet under his fingers as he stared deep into the green sea of her eyes, the sea that threatened to flood her cheeks, the sea that he hadn't stopped dreaming of at nights, his hands tightening around her wrists even more as he whispered firmly "Damn you Emma" His hands suddenly pulling hers to wrap his neck, a sob of relief escaping her lips when his lips crashed against hers, his hands reaching to the back of her thighs to hoist her up to his waist.
She wrapped her arms and legs around him so tight as if her life depended on it, wanting to feel his masculine body as close as possible when he carried her and pinned her hard against the wall.
"I hate you" He whispered, pressing his forehead against hers before his hand reached to bury in her hair, tilting her head so he could dive into a deeper kiss, invading her mouth with his tongue, sliding it along hers, tasting the few salty tears that seeped into her mouth.
…
God she missed him, she missed tasting his intoxicating mouth, inhaling his sweet scent, breathing him, just being close enough to feel him.
She moaned softly into his mouth right before she pulled back for air "You hate me?" She asked breathless, staring at his swollen lips as she drew her thumb along them.
"I do" He whispered against her thumb before he pressed his lips back to hers, her fingers moving to trail his stubble.
"You have a funny way of showing it" She said on a small smile against his lips.
"I know" He replied, sounding completely wrecked before he deepened the kiss, their lips, tongues and heads all dancing in unison, finishing each move at the exact same time, moving to the next in perfect coordination, one leads as the other follows and vice-versa, as if they were professional dance partners for years, as if they had never spent a moment apart.
"I missed you" She said, her voice thick with emotion as her hand cradled the back of his head, relishing the sensation of his soft thick hair under her fingers as her lips trailed soft kisses down his neck, holding herself back from sucking too hard, careful not to leave a mark, well aware he was not hers to brand.
Damn. It hurt.
But she was determined to shoo away the thought, refusing to let it ruin the moment, he was in her arms again and that was the only thing that mattered.
He dug his body into hers, pressing her between him and the wall so hard she was sure she'd eventually lose consciousness, but she didn't care.
He could have his way with her. She'd let him do whatever he pleased.
"Emma" He whispered her name like a prayer as his hand closed on her jaw, his teeth biting her bottom lip just to that tipping point between pleasure and pain before he released her mouth from his captivity, but only for a moment as he caught her lips into a long searing kiss a second later.
They were completely immersed in one another when a knock on the door startled them both and he barely managed to set her down when the door opened.
Shit.
"Killian eh – " Marian began to say as her eyes flew back and forth from Killian to Emma, both of their faces flushed from the hot make-out session, their lips swollen, their hair a mess and their eyes radiating pure guilt.
"What is it Marian?" He asked, managing to regain his composure as he rubbed his chin.
"The darlings are here, they asked to see you"
"Can you tell them that I'd see them in a few?" He asked politely.
"Sure" Marian replied as she turned to leave, but not before she glanced at Emma once more.
The door closed and Emma's smile reappeared only to be wiped away a moment later when her gaze met the severe expression on his face "What's wrong?" She asked in concern "Is she friends with…" Her voice trailed off, unable to say her name.
"No" He said, running his fingers on his lips as regret crept up his spine.
"Then what?" Her eyes studied him in search for answers, unable to read him as he looked disoriented, as if he had lost touch with the world, lost touch with her.
…
The look in Marian's eyes stayed with him long after the door had closed, it was the same look he had gained from his friends, from Milah, when she had accused him of being a cheater, only now he really was one.
She made him one. God he hated her.
He hated her for showing up all of a sudden, for being so goddamn irresistible, for making him weak and powerless, for making him kiss her again and again, for making him a cheat and a liar, for making him hurt someone he loved, someone he cared about, someone who had been nothing but good to him, someone that didn't deserve any of it.
Why did she come back? What did she want from him?
As far as he knew, she only came to play with his heart again, the heart he had worked so hard to put together in some miraculous way.
"Killian" Her voice rattled him out of his thoughts.
"What?" He asked sharply as he directed his gaze to her.
"Are you okay?" She asked as she took a step in his direction and he began to pace back and forth in the spacious office.
"I can't do this" He shook his head before he ran a hand through his hair "We can't do this"
"Well we just did"
"Well we shouldn't have" He said in frustration "I shouldn't have"
"So you...'re basically saying it was a mistake" She said, finishing with a hint of anger in her tone of voice as she crossed her arms across her chest "Just like you said the first time"
"You have no right being mad here" He exclaimed in anger "Need I remind you that you were the one who left me? You were the one who disappeared without a trace, without even as much as a phone call, as far as I knew you could have been dead, you don't do that" He scolded harshly, a hint of pain in his tone of voice as he directed his fierce gaze to her "You just don't"
God he hated her.
He hated her for coming back, for stepping back into his life and screwing them up again, for messing the life he had worked so hard to get back on track. He hated her for hurting him, for making him bleed, for making him miss her so much, but most of all he hated her for leaving him in the first place.
Who was he kidding? It still ached as the day that it happened.
…
"You're right, and I'm sorry" She said honestly, the desperation distinct in her voice, not that he had noticed as he was too self-absorbed at that moment "But I'm here now and – "
"I'm with someone" He cut her off.
"I know but – "
"But what?" He exclaimed once more as all he could see was red "What did you think that would happen? That you'd barge into my life and I would just drop everything and everyone?"
She did. She really did.
"That you'd magically snap your fingers and we'd sail off into the sunset?"
She just shook her head, tears pricking at the corner of her eyes as his sharp words pierced her heart and the fire in his eyes burned her soul. She looked at him, drawing her bottom lip in between her teeth as she bit back a sob.
…
She was never the one to get down on her knees and beg, not for anyone, not for anything. It was just not her style.
But she didn't want to lose him forever, she didn't want to live in a world where she wasn't able to touch him ever again, she wanted him more than anything.
He wasn't just a missing piece of a puzzle, he was the puzzle, he was everything.
She wanted to tell him how she felt, she needed him to know how much he meant to her, how he occupied her thoughts and heart all those years.
Damnit. She was never good with words.
"Killian please" She pleaded him in a shaky voice, unable to see that he was long gone as the tears blurred her vision "Please just give me a chance"
Her pleas fell on ears deafened by wasted years and endless torment, years he had spent drowning in pain, agony and longing.
"I'm afraid time for second chances is done" He said quietly, his tone calm but sad "Just as I am done with you"
"Killian" She said in a strangled voice, barely hearing herself over the sound of her heart shattering into a million pieces, scattering all over the floor, her eyes aching, pleading, trying to reach out to him, but stumbling on his distant gaze as he opened the door for her.
She didn't even bother to wipe away the tears when she scrambled her way out of the station, her inner light slowly fading away that by the time she reached the front door everything went black and she felt completely dead inside.
Of all the scenarios that had ran through her mind, none one of them had had him react in that way, with so much hatred.
That was it.
The one person she deep down allowed herself to believe that truly loved her, now hated her, and with every bone in his body, she had seen the hatred in his eyes, the hatred that left no room for the faith he once had had in her, the faith that had kept her going all those years was now gone forever, and she didn't even have the memory of his love to lean on as it became blurred by the fresh memory of his hatred.
That really was it.
…
When his work day came to an end he just sat and stared at the box Emma had brought him, thinking that he shouldn't open it since they were, as he said so himself – done.
He changed his clothes, discarding the uniform in favor of his daily clothes, as he had always done at the end of a day, glancing at the box as he put on his jacket.
He then headed for the door as his hand stilled on the doorknob and he cursed himself inwardly for what he was about to do.
Inside the box there were five books of his favorite suspense thrillers author. He took the first one out as he sat back down in his chair, leafing through the pages, realizing that it was a signed copy as he stumbled on the author's inscription:
Dear Killian,
Happy 24th Birthday!
Wishing you many more to come.
Sincerely yours,
Yen Sid
The date of his 24th birthday had been added in her hand writing at the top of the page, and the two books that followed were pretty much the same, with similar inscriptions for his 25th and 26th birthdays.
But the inscription on the fourth was what caught his attention and caused a lump to form in his throat:
Another year, another birthday.
I feel like I already know you.
Happy 27th Birthday Killian!
Your gal here just stood four hours in the freezing cold to get you this signed copy.
I highly hope you appreciate her. She's definitely a keeper.
Sincerely yours,
Yen Sid
A single tear fell onto the paper, staining the signature as he pictured her every year following the author across the country to attend the book signing event, adding another book to the collection, keeping the books with her, carrying them around wherever she went and it made him realize that all those years she had thought of him too, that she had always known that someday she'd come back to him.
God he loved her.
.
.
.
A/N: I know I know, another painful chapter, what can I say other than….sorry?