Chapter 23 – Moving on, sort of
First it was the floor.
She welcomed the cool sensation of the hardwood floor against her cheek, wishing it would have been even colder, wishing her entire apartment could have turned into a freaking ice cave.
Then maybe the tears would freeze on her cheek, and maybe her heart would freeze in her chest, so maybe it would just stop hurting so damn much.
After a few hours, drowning in her own tears, she didn't know where the floor ended and where she began, not recognizing herself anymore, not knowing who was that woman in her apartment that couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop hurting.
What was happening to her? She had had her share of heart aches, but it had never felt like that, never.
And it was not like they had ever been an official couple. They only shared one road trip and spent a few crazy weekends together, not to mention that it had been years ago.
So why couldn't she stop grieving? Why was she feeling as if someone had died on her? As if the world just ended?
…
Second it was the bathtub.
After she forced herself to scrape her body off the floor, she turned to the bathroom, slowly peeling the clothes off her body, each item of clothing that she shed was followed by an uncontrolled sob that burst out of her chest.
She curled up into a ball in the bathtub, pressing her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, fluttering her eyes shut, letting the water pound down on her head and wash away the tears.
But not the pain. It couldn't wash away the pain. Nothing could.
She sat like that for an hour, the hot water gradually running out, turning colder by the minute, her whole body shivering under the running water, the sobs making room for chattering teeth, the sharp pain in her heart being momentarily dulled by the freezing sensation that took over her entire body.
She gazed at the mirror, meeting her reflection, not recognizing the broken woman before her, staring at her face, everything so red and puffy, her cheeks, her lips, her nose, even her eyelids, that she could barely see the color of her dead eyes.
She wore that face for three whole days.
…
Then it was the couch.
Ignoring the world she spent her days on the couch, watching every sad movie her cable had to offer, aching and crying along with the characters, binging on ice cream, which was basically her breakfast, lunch and dinner.
The single time she left her apartment during those days was when her freezer ran out of rocky road, so she forced herself to get dressed before she dragged her ass down to the store, hiding the pain in her eyes behind a pair of shades.
The song that played in the background as she stepped into the store caused her to make a sharp U-turn and retrace her steps. It reminded her of him. It was one of the songs on his phone's playlist that she had loved listening to, so she got back to her apartment empty handed, with tears in her eyes and a hole in her chest.
What was going on with her? It had been so long ago, years ago. Then why now?
She realized that all those years they had spent apart, all those years when she had concentrated on pulling her life together she had secretly held on to the thought that one day she'd show up at his doorway and they'd get their happy ending.
What a joke. What did she think? That she'd magically snap her fingers and they'd sail off into the sunset?
His words were now hers.
It was time for her to let go of that dream, time to erase forever from her mind the idea of him, the idea of them.
Damn it was hard. And damn it hurt.
She loved him so damn much, even after he had cut her down to the very soul with his words, even after all those years she still loved him more than she had loved anyone else in her life and she didn't want to let go of that love, she couldn't let go of that love.
She wouldn't let go of that love.
...
But she did have to go on with her life, she was not that young lost girl anymore, she had stopped being self-destructive years ago, not long after she had left Jefferson's apartment, realizing that she needed to depend on herself and herself only. She had not crashed another man's place ever again.
She had lived in her car for about a year, moving from place to place, from job to job, taking a shower wherever she had gotten a chance to, at a friend's place, at a cheap motel that charged by the hour. Later she had found a job at a small inn, which paid crap, but it meant she had had a roof over her head and that was enough at least for a while. Then it was a decent hotel which paid better and she had actually been able to save a significant amount of money.
On that last job she had met a good friend, Lily was her name, who had gotten into some trouble and found herself behind bars, and when she hadn't been able to pay her own bail Emma had come to the rescue, put down her saved up money, which had been returned to her a few weeks later when Lily patched things with her father, plus interest and an idea.
Looking for her biological parents during her teenage years had made her familiar with searching people techniques, add that to her fiery spirit and her saved up money and she had found herself a new occupation as a bail bonds person.
She had worked really hard to pull her life together and she had no intention of letting it go down the drain. She had every intention to go on even with that huge hole in her chest, so after two weeks of grieving alone in her apartment she stepped out back to the world, back to her job, thankful that no one had tried to skip bail during her absence.
…
Two more weeks had passed and she was already wrapped up in her work again. Meeting with family members who had turned to her in request to help them bail their loved ones, keeping track with the court dates of those she had already bailed out, and making sure they were going to show up for their trial.
She just left the station after meeting with one of her customers and she ran into August.
"Emma Swan" He said on a smile, running a hand through his dark wavy hair "I've been meaning to bump into you"
She smiled back, shoving her hands in her back pockets "August…" Her voice trailed off, trying to recall his full name.
"W Booth" He completed for her and she raised a questioning brow at him. He leaned back against the hood of the police car, crossing his legs at the ankles as he added "W is for Wayne"
She gave him a nod on a smile, and he noticed her eyes wandering towards the police car, he turned his head back, glancing at the car before he averted his gaze back to her and asked "Ever been in one?"
"What?" She asked when his voice rattled her out of her thoughts.
"Have you ever been inside a cruiser?"
"Yeah, but it was a long time ago" She replied when she remembered getting arrested for stealing the watches "And I was actually sitting in the back..."
"You've been a naughty girl?" He chuckled.
Good thing she was in a position to laugh about it now.
"You can say that" She smiled mischievously, slightly rocking her body from side to side, her hands still in her back pockets.
"How about another ride?" He asked as he pushed himself off the car, closing the distance between them as he said in a low teasing voice "In the front this time"
"Uhmm…" She stalled, smiling coyly.
"I'd even let you turn on the siren and everything" He said and she chuckled in amusement "But you'll need to buy me a drink first"
"Is that you asking me out?" She challenged, arching a brow at him.
"Well if putting a label on it makes you more comfortable, sure" He said when a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth "Let's call it a date"
She contemplated her answer. She was sure as hell that she wasn't ready for any kind of a romantic relationship, doubting if she'd ever be.
But maybe a one night stand?
She could use the distraction and she wouldn't deny that she found August attractive, with those mischievous blue eyes, the dark stubble that made him look so manly, and that playful smile that always seemed to tug at the corner of his mouth.
And there was also that added bonus of a man in a uniform…
In the last few years one night stands had been as far as she had ever gone, and she hadn't had a lot of those either, her last one had been over a year ago, and ended in an absolute disaster.
Walsh.
He was an attractive man, tall, dark, handsome, a real smooth talker, and he was very good in bed too, not Killian-good, but still very good. They hit it off right from the start, the sexual chemistry was insane, and their bodies connected immediately, but it didn't end as good as it started, in the midst of her third orgasm, just like in the movies, a woman barged into the room to find her husband being ridden by a young sexy blonde. Apparently the jerk took off his ring and pretended to be single. Emma had known nothing about it so she had been surprised as much as the wife.
That bastard, sexy bastard, but still a bastard.
"I have a policy, I won't go out with men who are already married" She said, turning on her lie-detector as she studied August under her piercing gaze.
"There goes your reason for not meeting me here after work" August said, pointing at where they were at before he turned towards the station "Sixish?" He asked when he started climbing up the few stairs that led to the station front door.
"Actually" She said as she took a step closer, not wanting to raise her voice "Why don't I just meet you there?"
She was well aware that six was the hour that Killian used to get off work.
Not that she had stalked him or anything. Nope. Not at all.
She had just happened to be there, four out of five days a week for the past weeks, watching him from afar as he hopped on his bike before she had called it a night.
She was not a stalker. Not. A. Stalker.
"Sure" August replied "Meet me at the bar around the corner" He said and she nodded in reply, watching him send a smile her way before he got into the station.
That was definitely going to be a different way to spend her evening.
…
She got out of her car, dressed in a black sleeveless pleated chiffon dress, and even though it wasn't too revealing, barely showing cleavage and just above the knee length, she still turned heads the moment she stepped into the bar, Killian's included.
He looked at her with awe, thinking she looked absolutely stunning, radiating and lighting up the entire room with her beautiful smile.
He hadn't seen her for over a month, since he had sent her crying out of his office.
Damnit he was so mean to her. Yes he was mad at her, he had every right to be, heck he was still mad at her, but he was also still in love with her.
He regretted his lashing reaction. He felt that he could have chosen to react differently.
He could have at least listened, he could have asked her what she had gone through all of those years, if someone had dared to wrong her, and if she was okay now.
God he still loved her and he still cared, and he hadn't shown it one bit.
Before he even got the chance to wonder what she was doing there, August excused himself from the table as he gulped down the rest of his beer.
The place was a bit crowded so Emma hadn't noticed Killian nor the group of officers he was sitting with, her eyes searching for August, feeling relieved and glad when she saw him making his way to her.
August and Emma exchanged smiles and some words before they went to sit at the other end of the bar.
Wonderful. The only available table in that damned place was giving him a full view to watch their budding romance.
Damnit what was she doing with him? Why him of all people?
Killian spent almost an entire hour watching them drinking and talking as they sat close to one another.
Fuck. August was even close enough to inhale her scent.
He wished he could have inhaled her scent, instead he had to watch her from afar, watch them laughing, flirting, smiling to one another as their eyes sparkled along.
He stared at his glass of rum, every now and then raising his gaze, glancing their way, feeling he just might burn them with his gaze, feeling another pang in his chest each time August scooted even closer, each time she gave him another one of her breathtaking smiles, each time he leaned to whisper something in her ear and she threw her head back laughing, wishing he was close enough to hear her rolling laughter, wishing he was the one who made her laugh.
But no. He was the one who had made her cry. Remember?
He watched as she brought her glass to her lips, taking a slow sip, looking at August over the rim of her glass, her eyes full of intent. He recognized that look too well and his stomach turned upside down at the thought of August moving inside of his Swan.
His Swan? Was she really?
She hadn't been his for years, and after he realized she had thought of him all those years, he wouldn't deny that he thought of making her his again, he thought of showing up at her door with an apology on his lips and forgiveness in his heart. But it was too soon and he was still too angry. Besides, he still didn't know if she was really committed to the idea of being with him.
It seemed that he wasn't able to tear his gaze from her, his fingers itching with the need to caress her soft golden hair when he watched her tuck a strand behind her ear, and his mouth burning with the desire to taste hers whenever she set down her glass and licked her lips.
No amount of rum could have prevented from his throat going dry when he watched August whispering something in her ear, his mouth then trailing down her jaw line, hovering over it, slowly making its way to her lips as Emma's hand reached to his cheek.
Fuck. He couldn't watch that. He couldn't watch him press his lips to hers, couldn't watch him tilt his head to invade her mouth, bury his hand in her hair, slide his tongue along hers and taste her mouth.
Thankfully he didn't get to watch that as she gently pressed her thumb against August's lips, preventing them from touching hers as she whispered something on a smile, her face only inches from his, a huge grin spreading across August's face as she got up, their beaming eyes locked before she headed for the ladies room and August hurried to take care of the check.
Great. They were just moving their private party elsewhere.
Moment of truth. He could hold on to his anger or fucking do something.
His move.
.
.
.
A/N: I know there are some loose ends on Killian's part and it was done intentionally, next chapter will uncover some of those details. Regarding Killian's move, or lack of (I'm not telling) it's already written, so you can't change my mind :P
As always...Thank you so much for the favs, follows and reviews, you really know how to make my day, thank you!