Chapter 25 – Unobtainable heart
Brushing her teeth, Emma gazed at her reflection in the mirror, her hand reaching to her love-bite covered neck, Killian's love-bites.
She wished she could have been happy about them, but they only reminded her of how the night had ended, and how far they were from being okay, let alone being together.
Grabbing the black and white checkered blouse out of her closet she glanced at the bed.
Damn it felt good being with him again. And damn her for not knowing when to shut up.
She pulled a black stocking up each leg, his question still echoing in her head.
'Now what?'
She flopped onto the bed, lying back and burying her head in her hands at the memory, the memory of him rolling off of her, propping himself on one elbow as he looked at her and asked 'now what?'
He had obviously noticed her confusion and after a long moment of silence he gave her his most dazzling smile as he added to ask 'what happens after the casual sex?'
She remembered being too distracted by the fact that he hadn't pulled her to his embrace like he had always done (years ago), too distracted by the tension of unspoken words that began to fill her bedroom, too distracted that she was too quick to assume and too quick to reply.
Not sure what he had meant by that question she assumed that he was asking her a general question, that he was asking what usually happens after the casual sex part.
Seriously? What was she thinking? Why would he ask that? It wasn't like he was two hundred or something, of course he knew what casual sex was all about.
But that was what she had thought at that very moment and she was just too quick to joke about it.
Damn her.
She bounced up from the bed, taking the hairbrush out of her nightstand drawer, rolling her eyes at the few condoms she had gotten at the clinic and never used (well at least not until the previous night), beginning to brush her hair vigorously as she reflected on that moment, that moment after the words had slipped out of her mouth and there was no taking them back, that fraction of a second when their eyes were still locked and she watched how the wrinkles around his eyes evaporated along with his smile as her words floated around the room.
'This is the part when you go home'
God. She still couldn't believe she had said that.
It was only a joke, she was only trying to ease the tension, but he of course took her words seriously and before she managed to form a word he was already out the door.
She was such an idiot. She didn't want him to go. She really really didn't want him to go.
She ran her hands over her black skirt, smoothing the material as she stepped into her heels with one coherent thought on her mind.
She had to make it right, no matter what.
He had made love to her and she knew it, even though she had tried to deny it, she eventually couldn't ignore that it had felt more than just sex, but she was still not sure if it meant to him as much as it meant to her (it meant the world to her).
He was gentle and caring (God she missed that), and his kisses spoke volumes, she had felt his love in each and every one (could it be that he still loved her?),she was afraid that she had imagined it all (she must have imagined it...), but for a long blissful moment it felt as if nothing between them had changed, as if she had never left, and as if he had never stopped loving her.
Never in her life had she wished so hard for something to be true.
Believing in even the possibility of them getting back together ignited a fire inside of her. She just wasn't sure what to do with that fire. The first time around he gave her his heart so easily, without asking for anything in return, and now she had no idea how to win his heart back (if it was even possible).
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach…yeah, good luck with that…
She was a terrible cook, living off of take-out and tv dinners, there was no way in hell that she could prepare a homemade dinner without setting her kitchen on fire.
But maybe there was another way…how about his groin?
"The way to a man's heart is through his groin" She said out loud, testing the phrase on her tongue as she picked up her purse and keys from the kitchen counter.
Yup, sounded good to her, and she'd sure to pull that one off.
Or at least she hoped.
…
Unable to concentrate on his work, Killian buried his head in his hands, his elbows on the desk, his hands rubbing his skull back and forth, gazing at the pile of paperwork on his desk as his mind drifted to the previous night.
God he was an idiot.
He remembered the warm fuzzy feeling that took over his body, looking at her flushed cheeks and her beautiful sated smile (God he missed that smile) after he had rolled off of her, and his hands itched with the need to pull her to his embrace as he had used to do (how he wanted to hold her), but he stopped himself from doing so. He wanted, no, he needed her to make the first move. He needed to know that she sought his touch, his warmth, his love.
He needed to know that she wanted it as much as he did, cause this time he wasn't willing to settle for a one-sided love.
So he asked her 'now what?' in hope that she would ask him to stay, in hope that she would come closer, that she would rest her head on his chest, that he could kiss the top of her head, run his fingers through her hair, inhale the scent of her lavender shampoo and they would fall asleep in each other's arms.
'This is the part when you go home' was all he got, serves him right, fucking idiot. What exactly had crossed his mind? Did he really think that she'd ask him to stay? Did he really think that a few books meant love? How dared he to even think that she loved him?
This is the part when you go home idiot.
It was like a kick to the gut, a slap to the face, and everything else that he just didn't expect, so he leaped up from the bed, discarding the condom and scrambling for his clothes, pulling the jeans up, the shirt down, all at the same time.
He had no idea he had the ability to dress that fast.
Not even bothering to put on his shoes he just grabbed them and a second later he was already slamming the door of her apartment shut behind him.
He felt hurt all over again, his barely healed wounds reopening as her words sent him more than four years back, sent him to relive that moment when he stood outside the airport after he had asked her 'You don't love me?', waiting for her answer in vain, looking at her as she just walked away with his heart in her stretched out hand as she crushed it slowly, the grains of his crushed heart slipping out from between her fingers, leaving a long trail of dust behind her as she walked away from him, not once looking back.
Why was he being such a fucking masochist again? Why couldn't he settle for someone like Belle who had loved him and treated him with nothing but love and respect? Why did he want her of all people? Why did he want the woman with the unobtainable heart?
He felt that he shouldn't have gotten involved with her again, that he had only set himself up for another heartbreak.
Did he really think that she had gone and changed?
He had made love to her, putting his love in every gaze, in every touch, in every kiss, and even though he hadn't said it with words, he was still convinced that she had known how he felt about her (she had to be blind not to), so in his mind there was only one explanation to her words.
She simply didn't feel the same. She was just looking for some fun between the sheets, nothing more, she had said so herself, casual sex, meaningless sex, all of the above, but he was the idiot who refused to listen, refused to get it through his thick skull.
And with that he realized that everything remained exactly the same.
Nothing had changed. Nothing.
She would never give him her heart. Never.
And he was the dumb fool who still loved her regardless. God he hated himself.
"Hey" Her silky voice suddenly interrupted his thoughts as it came from the doorway.
"Hey" He replied a bit surprised as he raised his gaze to glance at her.
Damnit. Why did she have to be so beautiful?
Lowering his gaze back to his paperwork, he pretended to be busy as he cleared his throat before he asked dryly "Why are you here?"
"I thought you could use a break" She said, closing the door behind her and approaching his desk.
"You came here for lunch?" He asked in wonder, his eyes following her as she walked around his desk, coming to his side, standing so close that he was able to smell her shampoo.
"Actually I had something else in mind" She replied in a playful tone, smiling mischievously at him as she lifted herself to sit on top of his desk, loosing eye contact with him when he averted his gaze back to the pile of binders on his desk.
Great. She just came for another round.
"Actually I'm kinda busy here" He replied without looking at her as he picked a binder from the pile and leafed through the pages, pretending to be reading something.
"I'm sure it could wait just a little bit longer" She said in a seductive tone as she slowly closed the binder and their eyes met, her mischievous gaze trying to soften his harsh one as her ankle slid up his calf.
Would she leave him alone already? He didn't want to do it. He just didn't.
…
He gritted his teeth, feeling the blood boil in his veins when he suddenly got up from his chair, his hands anchoring at her hips as he pulled her roughly to the edge of the desk, her body falling back with a thump "Take off your panties" He ordered firmly.
What the hell?
She propped herself on her elbows, staring at him wide-eyed in surprise. She knew he was capable of being passionate and sometimes even rough (in a good way) when it came to sex, but looking at him she couldn't ignore the feeling that there was something else there, she wasn't sure what, but it just didn't feel right.
"Well?" He urged, raising his brow at her "You want me to do it?" He asked and she gave him a weak smile and half a nod of agreement, blinking nervously when his hands reached under her skirt and ripped off her panties, he then shoved them into the front pocket of his uniform shirt before he said "Now turn around"
"What? Why?" She asked quietly, her eyelids still flickering rapidly before she pushed herself off the desk and back to her feet, her face only inches from his, swallowing hard as her eyes met his piercing gaze.
"Isn't this what you came for?"
"Kill – "
"Turn around and bend over" He cut her off with determination, gesturing with his chin to the desk behind them.
She was at loss of words, didn't know what had gotten into him, but then again she was the one who came to him, she was the one who tried to seduce him, she was the one who suggested they'd do it in his office, on his desk…
If she couldn't stand the heat then she should have stayed the hell out of the kitchen.
She still hesitated because it wasn't exactly what she had had in mind. It was obvious that he was mad at her about something she had said or done, and it made her think that maybe she should just let him do it, maybe she should let him fuck her like that, let him take his anger out on her.
If it was what she had to do for his smile to return to his face then so be it.
She did as he said, gathering her hair to one side as she turned around and bent over, feeling the cold wood of the desk against her forearms, feeling the hard edge of the desk pressing against her stomach, her heart pounding fast in her chest when she felt his hands running up her stockings, up her thighs, scrunching her skirt up around her waist, suddenly feeling the cold metal of his belt buckle against the exposed skin of her behind, his hot breath on her ear, his body hovering over hers as he leaned in and whispered "Now wait for someone else to come and give it to you, cause you ain't getting it from me"
It took her a short moment to take in his words before she pushed herself off the desk, pushing him off of her in the process, causing him to stagger back, her hands immediately pulling down the hem of her skirt.
Asshole.
He didn't laugh, smiled or seemed pleased with himself in any form or way, he had obviously done it out of some kind of anger tinged with frustration, but still she couldn't help feeling humiliated and hurt to the bottom of her very being as tears began to form in her eyes.
What did she do that was so bad? What did she do that caused him to think she deserved to be treated that way?
All she wanted was to be close to him again, to touch him, to kiss him, to see him smile. She wanted to be near him, she wanted his company, and to her it seemed that he just didn't want hers, and even if he was rightfully mad at her, it still didn't give him the right to treat her the way that he did.
There was just so much that she was willing to take, even from him.
"Well don't look so disappointed" His voice filled the space again, spewing venom in his words when he spat them out "If you had just stayed like that I'm sure I could have arranged a line of volunteers out the door" He barely finished the sentence and her hand already flew through the air as she slapped him hard across the face.
Who was he? And what exactly did he think she was? Some harlot?
She just couldn't believe his behavior, at that moment he was not the kind man she had once met and loved, at that moment he was no better than all the other jerks she had had the 'pleasure' of being with.
"I guess I deserved that" He said in acceptance as his hand reached to rub his cheek when he cocked his jaw to one side.
"You bet you did" She exclaimed in anger, snatching her panties out of his pocket before she took a few angry steps towards the door then turned around to look at him as she yelled with tears of anger in her eyes "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"You're what's wrong with me" He yelled back, his voice completely changing its tone as he suddenly sounded hurt more than anything else "You're everything that is wrong with my life"
She was taken aback by his reaction at the same time that his desk phone rang and he turned to pick it up, nodding at the tube before he put it back in its place.
"It's the chief, I gotta go" He said briefly, walking past her as he disappeared from the office, leaving her to try and figure out what the hell had just happened, tears blurring her vision as she gazed at the panties in her hand.
…
The next day on the way to his lunch break, Killian passed by the front desk, glancing towards the group of officers who were gathered around August as he bragged about his latest conquest.
The mention of blonde hair and the memory from last night caused Killian to stop dead in his tracks.
He reflected on the previous night, reflected on that moment when he stepped into the bar after his work day had come to an end, his eyes landing on her long golden hair as he watched her sitting on a barstool, chatting with August, who had been standing next to her, leaning pretty close.
Why was he surprised? He practically pushed her into his arms, and now what was he supposed to do? To try and convince her to take him home instead again?
The way he had treated her earlier that day caused him to doubt his persuasions abilities, and even if he knew that he would succeed, even if he knew that she would agree, he just couldn't bring himself to go after her anymore.
He had had enough.
He was tired from the cat-and-mouse game, he was tired from her doing the running and him doing the chasing.
He had had enough and that was that.
Feeling despaired from the whole situation he had traced his steps out of the bar and back to his bike, leaving the two, who hadn't even noticed his presence, behind.
…
He felt sick to his stomach, listening to August go on and on, sharing all kinds of sexual details, telling everyone in hearing distance how they barely stepped through the door of her apartment and she was already on her knees giving him head (and boy did she know how to give one hell of a blow job), how they were completely naked before they even made it to the bedroom (his hands all over her velvety-smooth pale skin), how he hauled her onto the bed and they fucked for hours (and hours), exploring the best sex positions her Kama sutra book had to offer.
At that moment he just wished to be deaf, he wished he wouldn't have heard any of it, and he wished for the images of their naked bodies and sexual deeds to be erased from his mind (as if it was possible).
Goddamnit. The hell with everything. He was so done with it all.
He saw Smee tensing when he had noticed his presence, the amusement leaving his eyes, immediately being replaced by pity.
Great. Now he was also being pitied on? What was next? They'd throw him a loser party?
He walked towards the front door, ignoring the horde of emotions that ran through his body, ignoring the countless torturing thoughts that rushed through his mind, and even ignoring the sharp excruciating pain in his heart as it clenched in his chest.
Just walk away.
"Hey Jones" August's voice stopped him halfway to the door, and he could feel his body seething, all the emotions being pushed to the background as anger bubbled to the top "Where are you going? You're going to miss the best part"
Just walk away.
He knew he should have walked away, but for some reason he didn't, instead he stepped back towards the group of officers, crossing his arms across his chest as he asked with a sneer "Oh yeah? And what would that be, mate?"
"The part when she moaned your name" August said as a matter-of-fact, gaining chuckles from the officers around him and a hate glare from Killian, but August just kept looking at Killian with a straight face when he continued calmly "I told her I don't care whose name she screams as long as it's my dick she has inside of her"
Before anyone had gotten the chance to blink Killian's right fist had already connected with August's face as he punched him square in the jaw, the unexpected blow knocking August down to the floor, Killian jumping right after him, the unmistakable rage in his eyes piercing August's widened eyes when his hand latched onto the collar of August's jacket, his other hand being stopped in mid air before he had gotten the chance to throw a second punch as two officers grabbed him by the arms, pulling him off of August and back to his feet.
Not saying a word and ignoring all the commotion around them, Killian just shook the officers off of him as he stepped back towards the front door.
"Captain" Smee called after him, and he barely glanced back as August scrambled back up from the floor, holding his split-up lip, muttering some kind of an apology when Killian stormed out of the station with one thought on his mind.
He was really done with her.
.
.
.
A/N: I really appreciate you bearing with me, I know there has been a lot of angst, but I assure you there will be an end to it.
And as always, thank you so much for reading / favoriting / following and of course reviewing! You guys are awesome!