A/N: After last week's chapter I have the need to thank you all for the vote of confidence, I hope you won't be disappointed.
Chapter 26 – Only if you mean it
The previous night.
They were in her bedroom, the dim light making it hard for her to see the shade of his blue eyes.
Or maybe it was due to her haziness?
He worked on the zipper at the back of her black skirt, letting it fall to the floor, and then peeled her turtleneck white sweater off of her body before she stepped out of her heels.
Wasn't she wearing her black and white checkered blouse that day?
He guided her to sit on the edge of the bed as he kneeled before her and slid down her black stockings, one after the other, his face a bit of a blur when he gazed up at her.
Why was his face a blur?
She didn't notice when and who removed her bra and panties but she was suddenly lying completely naked in her bed.
How could she have missed that?
He set his gun aside before he crawled on the bed, still fully dressed in his officer uniform, only his fly was open when he positioned himself between her legs. She pushed her upper body off the bed, her hands reaching to unbutton his shirt when he scolded playfully "Hands above your head where I can see them" He took her wrists, one in each hand, gently pushing her to lie on her back as he pinned her wrists above her head.
She felt like she was being arrested for stealing the watches all over again. Only this time she was naked and the officer was pushing himself into her.
What the fuck?
He let go of her wrists, leaning back and anchoring his hands at her hips, pulling her to him. She watched his deep blue eyes focused on her body while he drove into her again and again in a steady pace.
When did that happen?
She wanted to push herself up to close the distance between their bodies but it was as if her brain didn't function.
Or was it her body that refused to follow orders?
She wasn't sure, but it was a strange feeling, one she had never experienced before. She wanted to tell him to lean in closer, maybe even kiss her on the lips.
How come they hadn't kissed on the lips yet? It didn't make sense. None of it made sense. She didn't even remember how they had gotten to her apartment.
And then she was suddenly on her hands and knees and he was taking her with fast thrusts from behind.
When was it that they had switched position?
She wanted to tell him 'August go slower' but the words didn't come out of her mouth. It was like she was mute, and he was blind to her discomfort.
What the hell was going on?
Unable to take control on her own body, she felt as if she was having an outer body experience, as if she was a puppet on strings, she opened her mouth to speak and she could actually hear her voice mumbling incoherent words but none of them formed an actual sensible sentence.
Something was off. Way off.
Sweat began to bead on her forehead as her eyes flung open and she sat up quickly in her bed, pressing a hand to her pounding heart as her eyes roamed around her semi-dark bedroom.
Oh thank God it was only a dream. A very bad dream.
…
She jumped out of her bed, dressed in a night shirt and shorts, thinking on her way to the kitchen that it was all August's fault. His and the advances he had made her way when they were at the bar, filling her mind with unwanted nasty ideas of them role playing 'the cop and the thief' and when she rolled her eyes at him, he whispered that 'the bail bonds lady and the perp' would work too.
Idiot.
A moment later she blew him off. After all, she had visited the bar for only one reason – Killian.
She opened her fridge, taking out a bottle of water and gulping down half of it.
Jesus she was thirsty.
She reflected on that moment in Killian's office.
He had lost it.
There was no doubt about that, it just wasn't like him to behave in that way.
But she remembered that after he had yelled that she was everything that was wrong with him and she was left alone in his office to ponder on everything that had happened, the pieces in her mind slowly began to fall into place.
He was hurting. He was hurting really bad.
She had heard the pain in his voice, and his actions were his bizarre way to scream 'I want more than just sex', and even though it still didn't excuse the way he had chose to say it, she knew she just had to reach out to him, she knew she had to push through her own pain and tend his.
He needed her.
She knew it, she felt it, and suddenly it all made sense. The way he had pushed her away when she stepped back into his life over a month ago, the way his relationship crumbled only a few weeks after, the way he couldn't let her go with another man, the way he had made love to her (God he still loved her, there was no way he could have faked that), and the way he had asked her 'now what?' with that hopeful smile of his, a smile that reached up to his beautiful bright blue eyes, same eyes that went cold only a moment later when she gave him her stupid answer.
God she was an idiot. Did she really think that she would win him over with sex? It had never been what he sought…how could she forget that? How could she forget what he had always been after?
Her heart.
There was nothing more that she wanted to give him and there was no one else that she wanted to give it to.
It was not that she really forgot, she just found it hard to believe that he still wanted her, that he still loved her after all those years, and after that rattling, eye-opening moment in his office she was suddenly sure that he still felt something for her, and she was determined to find out what.
Submerged in deep thoughts, she almost forgot herself on the toilet, reflecting on how she had waited for him at the bar but he never came.
How come he didn't show up?
Marian had told her that he usually stops for at least one drink after work, so she couldn't help but feel a tinge of disappointment when she eventually gave up and went home alone.
She climbed back into bed, slipping under the covers, thoughts of him not leaving her mind as her breath gradually evened out and she sank back into deep sleep.
…
Stopping by the station at the end of the following day only affirmed what she had already thought.
He was falling.
Marian filled her in with everything that had happened, including the fact that Killian hadn't returned from lunch that day. Ignoring everything else (she'd deal with August the lying bastard later), she focused on the one and only important fact, Killian wasn't being himself. Lashing out, beating people up and skipping work wasn't like him, she knew that, she knew he was always calm and collected, she knew all about his work ethic too, it was one of the first things she had learned about him back in prison, and if he had skipped work without letting anyone know, without answering calls it could have meant only one thing.
He was falling. And he needed someone to catch him.
…
"Jones open up" She said repeatedly, knocking impatiently on his apartment door, eventually thinking he was simply not at home.
Deciding to get some fresh air she stepped out into the street, the building front door closing behind her, not realizing it was a problem until she felt the strong wind whipping her golden locks against her face and she wanted to go back in so she tried the knob.
Fuck.
She rolled her eyes at herself, remembering that earlier she had entered the building exactly when another tenant had stepped out and the door had stayed open long enough for her to catch it.
And then lightning flashed and thunder rumbled as the heavens opened and rain began to fall.
Great. Just her luck.
The overhang of the building entrance was barely enough to protect her from the light rain, let alone the heavy one that stormed in only minutes later, add that to the whirling wind and she got soaked to the bone.
But she didn't falter. She was determined to wait for him until he returned, and since her car was parked further down the street and she was afraid that she'd miss him, she just hugged herself tightly, shutting her eyes and trying to fight the shiver that took over her entire body as she waited. And waited. And waited.
…
A long hour had passed until he arrived, and she watched him stopping dead in his tracks when his eyes landed on her, they locked eyes for a brief moment before he approached the front door, wedging his helmet under his armpit, closing his umbrella and pulling his keys out of the pocket of his jacket, jabbing and turning the key in the lock without saying a word. She was about to follow him when he got inside the building, but he just let the door slam in her face, her eyes closing tight at the sound, then widening in shock.
Seriously?
She sighed in despair and her shoulders dropped a fraction.
Of course he was furious. He practically pleaded her yesterday to tell him that he was more than a one night stand to her.
She realized that when he had told her to find someone else to have sex with, in a reverse psychology sort of way, he had actually begged her to reassure him, as if he had said 'tell me that I'm the only one, tell me there's no one else, tell me that you want me and me alone'.
And what did he believe that she did? Went and slept with someone else.
She figured that he must have thought that he meant nothing to her.
She wouldn't blame him. She hadn't told him otherwise.
Her body shivering, her cheeks burning red from the cold as her desperate eyes wandered from the street to his back, gazing at him from the other side of the glass door and she couldn't help but feel like an unwanted puppy at the pound, or worse, like the orphan girl that no one had ever wanted to adopt.
She wanted to turn around and run away from the extremely familiar feeling, but she reminded herself that he was hurting too, that she couldn't succumb to her own pain and pride, that she needed to tell him once and for all how she felt about him, so she stayed.
…
Able to feel her gaze on his back, he stood still at the other side of the glass door, his hand reaching to pinch the bridge of his nose as he let out a heavy breath.
Fuck. He couldn't stop loving her. He wished he could but he just couldn't.
At that moment all of his pain and frustration had been pushed aside as his heart overflowed with concern for her.
Maybe she found out that August had told everyone and everything about their shared night and she came to him looking for a friend's shoulder to cry on?
He was her friend once, back in prison, before they ever touched lips, and even though he knew that it would hurt like hell to be near her, loving her from afar, and knowing she would never feel for him what he felt for her, he couldn't turn his back on her, he just couldn't. Not to mention that she was soaking wet and he was worried that she'd catch pneumonia.
Whether he liked it or not he still cared.
He held the door for her, stepping aside, avoiding her gaze, and waiting for her to come into the building. She hesitantly stepped through the door and he glanced her way for a brief moment as he said "Come on, let's get you out of these clothes" She gave him a small smile but he kept avoiding eye contact as he turned to lead the way to the elevator.
…
Most of the elevator ride went by in silence, his eyes fixed on the lighted numbers above the control panel as she gazed at the back of his neck.
God she wanted to bury her hands in his hair.
It was probably just her brain which had turned into a popsicle that was talking nonsense, it couldn't be that she still wanted to jump his bones.
Could it?
Anyways, she knew it wouldn't solve anything, it was not why she came there, and she knew it would only send the same wrong message all over again.
The only time he looked back was when her teeth began to chatter "Are you okay?" He asked and she nodded fiercely in reply, unable to stop the chatter and form a verbal answer. He set his helmet and umbrella on the floor, taking off his jacket and wrapping it around her shoulders.
"Thanks" She managed to say through the chatter as she smiled up at him, their eyes meeting for a brief moment and even though his lips didn't even twitch, she was able to notice his eyes sending her a small smile back.
Thank god, he still cared.
She smiled inwardly at the thought as the elevator doors opened and they began to pace down the hall to his apartment.
The moment they were inside, she froze, surveying her surroundings in complete shock while he began to bustle around the apartment.
Nothing had changed.
Everything was exactly the way she remembered, exactly the way it had been more than four years ago.
The memories from their shared night in his apartment, paralyzing her body as they slammed hard into her mind, and all of a sudden she felt this dark cloud hanging over her head as sadness filled her heart, remembering how happy they had been together, remembering his genuine joyful smile when he had made her breakfast, and now she had to settle for a hint of a smile in his eyes, which she was suddenly not so sure that she hadn't imagined as well.
"Emma?" He asked firmly.
"What?" She shook off the thoughts when her eyes met his concerned expression and she turned to look around her, noticing she was standing in a small puddle, courtesy of her dripping clothes "Jesus, I'm sorry, I'm messing your apartment"
"Don't worry about it" He waved a dismissing hand "It just seemed that you were somewhere else and you really should lose these clothes already" She smiled at the innuendo, which turned out to exist only in her dirty mind as he didn't smile back and just gestured with his thumb towards the hall behind him as he asked "You remember where the bathroom is?"
God she was such an idiot. He was just being nice because she looked like such a mess.
"Yeah" She replied quietly as he walked around her, relieving her of his jacket before she made her way there, grimacing at the trail of footprints she was leaving behind.
…
Blessing the heater he had turned on for her, she took off her black sweater and plaid pants, picking up his sweatshirt he had left for her and bringing it up to her face, inhaling his scent as she closed her eyes, praying that her hunch wasn't wrong, praying that he still loved her, praying that he'd let her back into his life, into his heart, praying that she'd get to smell that scent every night before she fell asleep.
A glance at the mirror letting her know that she needed to comb the mess of a hair she had on her head, so she went through his drawers in search of a hairbrush, smiling to herself when she realized that none of them contained something which could have indicated that he had ever had a woman living there with him, and even though he had already told her that he broke up with his girlfriend she felt relieved to see it with her own eyes.
"Emma?" His voice and a weak knock on the door startled her as she smacked the drawer shut and hurried to pull his sweatshirt over her head.
"Yes?" She opened the door slightly and peeked through the narrow crack, her green eye meeting his blue one before he turned his back to the door and cleared his throat.
"Give me your clothes so I'll put them in the dryer" He said and waited while she picked up her clothes from the floor and handed them to him through the crack "Where's the rest of it?" He asked as he looked at the clothes, noticing her bra and panties were missing from the pile.
"The rest of what?"
"No, nothing" He replied, scratching behind his ear as he felt awkward talking about her underwear after what had happened between them in his office.
Jesus. He was such an ass.
…
She heard his shuffling as he walked towards the laundry and she closed the bathroom door, fingering her damp black and purple bra and matching damp panties, shrugging to herself before she slipped one leg after the other into his boxers (apparently she felt uncomfortable taking off her underwear as much as he felt talking about them).
She stepped into the living room, noticing the cup of hot cocoa with cinnamon that was waiting for her on the coffee table when his voice suddenly came from behind "I didn't know if you still like it" He gestured with his chin towards the table after she turned to look at him.
"I do"
"Good" He said as a small awkward smile tugged at the corner of his mouth "And about the clothes, sorry I don't have something more fitting for a woman…"
Oh thank God for that.
"…but yours should be dry in about thirty minutes"
"Thanks" She smiled at him but he just scratched behind his ear and turned to leave.
She took a seat on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest as she sipped from her cocoa and sighed.
Exactly the way she liked it. He remembered…
…
More than twenty minutes had passed and there was no sign of him, avoiding her like the plague she assumed he was probably hiding in his room, she got up and approached the TV cabinet, her hand trailing over the books, same books that occupied the two shelves in his prison office.
God it was so long ago.
She wasn't the same person that stepped in through the prison gate, and even not the same one that stepped out. She went through a lot in the last couple of years, she became much more confident and independent, and it made her wonder if it was all worth it, if achieving everything that she had, was worth everything that she had lost.
Was it worth losing him?
"Your clothes are ready" His voice rattled her out of her thoughts as she turned to look at him "I put them in the bathroom"
"Thanks" She said quietly, her heart clenching in her chest when she watched him turning to leave again, her eyes closing tight, wishing that she had some kind of a magical ability that could have turned the enormous wall between them into dust "You didn't have to defend my honor you know" She said and watched as he froze for a moment before he slowly turned around and cocked his head to one side.
…
What was she talking about?
"What are you talking about?" He asked, watching her as she walked to close the distance between them.
"Marian told me what happened"
"Oh" He replied, averting his gaze and sulking at the brought up subject.
"Why did you skip work?" She asked, crossing her arms across her chest.
Cause if his eyes were to land on that sonofabitch again he probably would have killed him with nothing but his bare hands.
Preferring to keep his thoughts to himself, he didn't reply, telling himself that he shouldn't repeat the details for her sake.
Probably for his too.
It was bad enough that he couldn't take the images out of his mind, he didn't need to say it out loud as well.
"Killian what's going on?" She asked, noticing that the wheels in his mind were working overtime.
"You're killing me Emma" He sighed in despair, slowly running a hand through his hair "Why can't you see how amazing you are? Why do you go for men who treat you like crap?"
"I don't" She was quick to reply "Although, the one man I am going for did behave like a total jerk yesterday" She said in a scolding tone and he swallowed hard before he lowered his gaze, immediately knowing that she was talking about him "I can assure you I'm no longer the type who would let something like that slide" She said firmly when he forced himself to raise his gaze back to her, his dry lips parting as he looked her in the eye "But" She paused, eyeing him carefully before she added "Since it was his first offence, then maybe just this once" She said and he blinked heavily "I actually know him pretty well to say with confidence that he won't do it again" She finished in some kind of a warning as he closed his eyes, nodding slowly in agreement at her words.
God he was so proud of her.
He loved that she stood up for herself. It was clear to him that she wasn't that insecure eighteen year old anymore, that was why he suddenly looked confused when something didn't add up, and as if she had read his thoughts she said "He lied"
"What?" He asked, looking at her in bewilderment.
"August lied" She elaborated "I didn't sleep with him" She added and he raised his brow in surprise as she continued "Why are you surprised? You are the one who said he is a bigger liar than Pinocchio"
"True. But why…?" He asked hesitantly in confusion.
"Why I didn't sleep with him or why did he lie?"
"Both"
"I didn't sleep with him because oddly enough I want you" She said, finishing with a sigh before she shrugged and added "And I guess he lied cause he hates your guts?"
"Yeah well the feeling is mutual"
"But…" She hesitated before she continued "It is possible that I also had something to do with it" She said, guilt writ large on her face as he listened intently "I think I might have added a little bit of fuel to that fire when I told him the truth"
"Which is?" He raised an intrigued eyebrow.
"That the only reason I came here is you"
"You mean the bar?" He stated more than asked.
"That too, I was waiting for you, I thought we could talk..."
God he was such an idiot for jumping to conclusions.
"…but what I really meant is here, Boston" She gestured with her hand towards the city view out the window "You are the reason I came to Boston" She said when they locked eyes for a long moment, studying each other's gaze before she continued "And after I told him he muttered something about you always stealing his girls" She said and Killian rolled his eyes, thinking that August was a delusional prick as she went on explaining "So I guess it really pissed him off, hence what happened at the station…I'm sorry I shouldn't have – "
"Don't worry about it" He cut in as he shook his head, still trying to digest everything she had said, and as if he wanted to make sure he had heard correctly he added to ask "So all the things that he told – "
"Oh, he didn't do those with me" She chuckled slightly, her face scrunching up in disgust at the thought.
"He painted such a vivid picture…" He said, his voice trailing off as he averted his gaze, his hand reaching to rub his stubble, trying to figure out why he didn't pick up on it earlier.
"Well I did see him leave the bar with this blonde, so I guess he didn't lie about everything…"
"And you don't have a Kama sutra book" He stated, looking somewhat relieved.
"Nope" She said simply as she shrugged and looked at him "But maybe we should get one"
"We?" He asked carefully, raising his brow at her in surprise.
"Yes we" She said on a soft smile, her voice going down a notch as she took the last step that separated them and continued "Who else would I want to make love to?"
"Emma" He whispered, her name coming out on a sigh of relief.
"Killian, I lo – " She began saying when his hand reached to cover her mouth, the memory he had tried so hard to forget hitting him like a ton of bricks, the memory of the last (and only) time she had said those three little words to him, the memory of how he drank them as if they were water to a man in the desert, the memory that had been tainted the moment she said that he made her say it, the memory that managed to bring him to tears every single time he had thought of it, his heart clenching, aching, bleeding as he realized every time anew that she had never meant them, that she had never loved him.
It hurt.
"Don't say it if you don't mean it" He pleaded, his voice comes out a bit wobbly as he shook his head.
"I love you" She was quick to say, her voice coming out muffled as she said the words against his hand. She took his hand in hers and he let her slowly move it aside as their eyes locked, mesmerizing blue sky staring deep into the wild green sea when she repeated, clearly and slowly this time "I love you, I've always loved you"
His eyes fluttered shut as he pressed his forehead against hers, taking in her words carefully this time, afraid he imagined them, terrified she'd take them back, feeling overwhelmed with emotions as a lump formed in his throat "I love you too" He managed to whisper when his voice threatened to crack.
"Does this mean that you're not done with me?" She asked, her voice beginning to shake as well as he pulled back to look at her, noticing the few tears that streamed down her cheeks.
His hands reaching to cradle her face as he wiped away the tears with his thumbs "I'm never going to be done with you" He said passionately before he crashed his lips against hers, his hands moving to bury in her hair as he slowly took two steps backwards, pulling her gently with him, their lips not parting once, when he sank into the couch and she followed to straddle his lap. The love he felt for her washing over him like a soothing wave, chasing away all the other emotions as it flowed through him, calming his body and mind. He tilted his head, wanting to taste her mouth and kiss her passionately but she suddenly broke down against his lips as a loud sob escaped her lips.
"Why are you crying?" He asked softly when she broke away from his lips, burying her head in the crook of his neck and sobbing uncontrollably against his skin "Emma love?" He asked in concern as he tried to pull back to look at her, but she just clung to him even tighter, not letting him pull away, wrapping her arms around his neck, holding onto him so tight as if she was holding on for dear life.
"I just…" She tried and failed to hold back her sobs, tears streaming down her face and wetting his skin, the cries racking her body, making it hard for her to let the words out "I just missed you so much" She finally blurted out incoherently through a sob.
He wrapped his arms around her, pressing her to him as he kissed the top of her head "Believe me I know the feeling" He whispered, which caused her to sob even louder, thinking about what she had put them both through those last few years, thinking about them being physically apart and emotionally together in the hell of longing "But you came back to me" He tried to soothe, gently caressing her hair as he gave her all the time that she needed to cry in his arms, whispering in her ear over and over again, repeating the words like a mantra "But you came back to me, you came back to me"
It wasn't a dream anymore.
She came back to him.
She really came back to him.
.
.
.
So…now that the angst is finally over I'm going to quote Taylor Swift "You can tell me when it's over if the high was worth the pain…" So what'd you think? Are you feeling sated? Disappointed? Happy?
Anyways, more fluff to come ;)
And as always a huge thank you!