SM Owns

Chapter 9: Choices

EsPOV

I froze in my tracks. The shopping bags I had been gripping so tightly fell to the ground.

I turned to face the person who knew my name. Who called me his wife. I stared motionless, forgetting all my human mannerisms, as he approached me so casually, yet with a look of distain.

"I've seen you with that rich doctor. Looks like he made some changes to you, you're quite the looker." He walked around me as if inspecting a new car. "You're so pale - like you're seeing a ghost. Didn't expect to see me again? Did you really think I'd just sit back while you run around like some Jezebel?"

Although my body was still immobile with shock, something started to crumble in my mind. The dam that had been holding back my human memories was beginning to spring leaks. Memories, like water, began to trickle into my consciousness.

At first the images and feelings were vague, but enough to tell me I was not happy to see this man who claimed to be my husband. As if to reinforce my conclusion, my unpredictable instincts kicked in, and I felt my lips begin to curl and a hiss escaped from my mouth. But nothing prepared me for what he said next...

"I hired a private investigator to find you after you ran out on me. On me! I gave you everything, Esme! A roof over your head, food on the table, and a warm bed. But that wasn't enough for you, was it? You had to humiliate me. No one does that to me! No one makes me look the fool!"

The familiar stranger was screaming at me now and anger radiated from him so powerfully it was almost palpable. My knees flexed slightly as I prepared for the attack that was sure to ensue.

But then, eerily, he regained control and almost looked...smug. "The PI found the death certificate. Did you not know those were public record? So, tell me, whose baby was it? Mine or some bastard child fathered by your doctor lover?"

I heard nothing past the word 'baby'. It was the final blow to the disintegrating dam walls. Unleashed by his words, a tidal wave of past memories, emotions, and thoughts broke free. They crippled me as I endured their overwhelming mental assault. Swirling within the cavern of my mind, they played in agonizing detail. It was all there: my family's subtle coercion, a loveless, abusive marriage, fleeing from city to city. Constant loss and fear.

I wondered if vampires could go insane. If the answer was yes, I was definitely accelerating in that direction.

Then I saw his face. My child. I had fought for him. My arms ached with a pain that evoked memories of my transformation. I looked at them - empty. The realization of my lost threatened to drive me to my knees. "Benjamin..." His name was sucked from my lips...

I was startled out of my horrifying daytime nightmare by something striking my left cheek. My eyes refocused on Charles. He was now just inches from me, cradling his right hand.

"You freak!" he hollered, "I think you broke my hand!"

I blinked rapidly. I had been so detached from reality that it took me a second to comprehend what had happened. Then fury began to bubble up from inside me - he had hit me!

The battle began.

The battle for Charles' life that raged in my brain.

One voice beseeched me to remember forgiveness. Turn the other cheek...

But the other growled: Crush him!

The debate in my mind continued...

No! Think of who you are inside. You have not changed; you are still kind, compassionate...

More like weak, vulnerable. Always the victim. End this now - on your terms.

You are not a killer. Don't let him make you one! Carlisle. Think of Carlisle - calm, in control, good. Master your instincts! Be like Carlisle.

No more running!

I shook my head as if I could empty my mind of the combating voices. Red began to creep into my field of vision as Charles hurled obscenities at me. His pent up anger spilling out of control.

"You think you can just leave me? Do you know what I had to endure? It was humiliating. People pitied me! You only have yourself to blame for what you have become. You took a vow to honor and obey. Instead you're here with another man and a dead child that bears my last name."

"NO MORE!" I spat out in utter defiance and barely suppressed fury, as uncontrolled trembling overtook my muscles.

My outburst silenced Charles and for the first time I saw fear in his eyes. It brought me a strange sense of...satisfaction. Was this how he felt when I cowered at his rage?

My senses glutted on his reaction and my mind made a decision. Charles was not to be a fortunate man today. The part of me that was good was crushed by the onslaught of newborn aggressiveness and drive for self-preservation. This time I approached him. He shrunk back and I knew my eyes were wild with the need for vengeance; a low growl was rattling deep within my chest.

I felt I was growing in size and would soon tower over this poor excuse for a man. A human man. My anger morphed into bloodlust and the anticipation that it would soon be mine - all of it, mine.

Suddenly, as if they came from someone else, words sprung from my lips -

"You need to leave now. Go! Run!" The voice that resembled my own was full of urgency.

I couldn't believe it! I still was able to show mercy. I could keep the bloodthirsty monster in me at bay. Maybe, just maybe, Charles would be a lucky man.

If he would just heed my warning and go.

But no. Charles stood, defiantly jutting his chin in the air, "You belong to me and I am not leaving without you."

I felt an involuntary smirk pull at the corners of my lips. The monster inside was pleased with his response. It growled, "Then you are not leaving at all."

My control was lost and Charles had forfeited his life.

I grabbed him by the neck and scaled to the flat roof of the nearest warehouse. In fury, I let him dangle over the side of the three-story building.

I held him there with one hand studying the panic in his eyes with a strange curiosity. I was the one in control. I literally held his fate in my hands. Oh, how the tables had been turned!

He could still breathe and I worked hard not to crush the blood vessels in his neck or his windpipe. His fear gave me power. He struggled to free himself, yet clung to my arm to avoid the fatal fall to the concrete below.

I knew I needed to only flex my fingers and then my running from him would be over. I would be free.

Or would I?

Was it Charles I would run from or was it the memories he freed that drove me to consider murder?

I paused to consider my next move.

Then I heard him...

"Esme?" His soft, velvet voice floated from behind me.

"Carlisle, don't!" I responded vehemently without looking at him. The aggressor in me knew I'd lose my resolve if I looked into his molten eyes. And I knew I would see disappointment there. I couldn't bear the weight of that too.

"What are you planning to do with him?" Carlisle's voice sounded almost curious.

"I don't know." And I didn't, yet. So I shared with him what I did know.

"Carlisle, this is my husband Charles. He has come to retrieve me."

"Husband?" Carlisle choked on the word.

"I have no plans to go with him. I will not let him control me any longer!" My voice had risen up several octaves, reflecting my anger and hurt.

"You're right. He cannot control you anymore. So show him who you are, Esme. Listen to your heart. Let him go."

The thought brought a smile to my face and I lifted several fingers from his neck. Charles clung more tightly to my outstretched arm.

"Carlisle, I want to be good, like you, but he has brought this upon himself. He hurt me! He hurt my baby! Maybe he should know the desperation I felt as I gazed down at my death."

I tried to think straight, but this rage was making it so difficult. I shook harder, vibrating with emotions I had never experienced before - human or vampire.

Again my baby's precious face was filled my mind and nothing else mattered but my loss...

"I forgot him, Carlisle! I forgot about my baby! What kind of mother does that?"

"I know you're hurting, Esme. But hurting someone else will not heal you nor will it bring Benjamin back. I promise I will help you though this. Don't let your hatred and instincts override your true nature." His voice was so even and warm. Loving and forgiving. Carlisle was pleading for me to make the right choice - and pleading for Charles' life. My fingers flexed against his neck.

"You will live with the choice you make now for a very, very long time, Esme."

He was right, of course, I didn't want this. How could Carlisle know my heart so well so soon?

I pulled Charles from his perilous view and dropped him at my feet. I turned away from him. I didn't like what he had made me become. I had become a controlling ugly monster like him.

It didn't take long for Charles to compose himself and let his foolish pride prod him into fighting back. As I spun to face his next attack, I saw this time he chose to focused his anger at Carlisle.

"Don't think your smooth talking will excuse you from stealing another man's wife!"

Charles charged at Carlisle with fists raised. However, he did not anticipate Carlisle's lightning quick reflexes. In a blur Carlisle stepped swiftly to the side, out of Charles' line of attack. Unfortunately, Charles' momentum carried him a bit too far. He had expected to crash into Carlisle and was unable to stop his advance in time - he tumbled over the side of the building.

His body made a sickening thud when it struck the solid ground below.

"Don't breathe!" Carlisle bellowed before launching himself off the roof to the ground, landing next to Charles. Running to view the scene below, I saw as Carlisle reached out to the broken man below to check for a pulse.

All I could do was watch. I bit my lower lip in anxious anticipation. I did not fear my bloodlust at this point despite the pool of dark tempting fluid pooling around Charles' motionless head. The only thought in my mind was what outcome did I want? I wanted to be free. Yet the thought of someone dying because of me sent waves of nausea through my body. I turned my back on the scene below. If I could only bundle up all my newly released human memories and shove them back into the black hole they had resided in for so many months. I didn't realize how truly happy I was with my new life until now.

But everything now was different - how could I go back to 'before'? My future was contaminated by my past. Nothing with my new family could be the same! I shook with dry sobs as the realization of this truth closed in around me. Trapping me in my past.

I heard Carlisle slowly approaching me from behind. He placed his hands gently on my shoulders and whispered, "It's over. Let's go home."

Home.

My shaking increased double-fold. I wanted to turn and fling my arms around his neck. I wanted him to protect and care for me. I wanted to go back to what I could feel we were slowly building together.

But I would be fooling myself. I wasn't an innocent young woman falling in love for the first time. I was damaged goods. I was broken, not physically as when Carlisle found me. He wouldn't be able to fix me so easily. Who was I? A wife - now widow. A sister? A daughter? Where did I fit in? With Carlisle and Edward? In Milwaukee? In Dublin? Alone?

I had an uncontrollable urge to run. Just run. Escape.

"I can't go back with you now," I said as I turned to face him. But my eyes could not meet his and my voice caught in my constricting throat.

"Doctor's orders," he replied as he tried to convince me with a smile.

He was so kind. But I was too numb to respond.

"I need to get away from here. Too many painful memories..." I had to escape and speaking was growing quickly impossible.

"Then I will go with you." By Carlisle's tone, I knew he meant it.

"No, I've got to work this through on my own. I'm broken Carlisle. Too much baggage. You deserve better. Just...please...let me go," I begged.

"But I don't want to be without you. Stay, if not for me, for Edward. He needs you."

I grimaced. I didn't want to leave Edward. He had already lost so much in his young life.

But before I could respond, Carlisle spoke.

"I'm sorry. That was a very selfish thing for me to say. You have been making sacrifices for others all your life. I will not ask you to do that for me. I will accept your leaving if you think it's what's best. Just know you can always come back. You can always come home."

With Carlisle's concession, I bolted. I leapt from the roof and under the cover of darkness, I ran with all my speed.

I had no destination in mind...

End notes: Well, I left you with a major cliffy last chapter and a minor one this time. Sorry if this chap. is short, but I didn't want to leave ya hanging (like Charles, lol). More angst to come...

Please don't leave without dropping me a note!