SM owns

Carlisle and Esme: How the Love Story Began

A Leap of Faith

EsPOV

Carlisle's response to my request to come home was more than I could have hoped for. I felt like the female version of the prodigal son! I had taken all he had to give and disappeared. I didn't deserve to be taken back with open arms. Knowing what kind of man Carlisle was, I am sure my abrupt departure caused much stress for him, and Edward too.

But my time away from Carlisle made me realized one very import fact. The words I spoke to Carlisle many weeks ago were more true and insightful than I could have ever imagined. They played over and over in my mind: "I believe my role is to be at your side. Maybe I am to save your life one day, you know, return the favor. Whatever the reason, it appears that we are destined to be together." The painful pangs of loneliness and emptiness that accompanied me where ever I went became too much to ignore. They pulled me back to this place. And now, I had to figure out the breadth and depth of meaning behind my feelings. At the very least, I needed the chance to make things right. To show my remorse over abusing his hospitality and trust.

Could I hope for the chance to pick up where we left off?

Although Carlisle was only half way through his shift, I got the distinct feeling we weregoing home. He held my hand tightly and pulled me through the ER, appearing very happy. He introduced me to his colleagues as we sped through. I held my breath and just smiled and nodded at them. Most of them gave us big smiles as Carlisle's current state of apparent bliss was quite contagious. Although some of the nurses seemed less than pleased...

Carlisle's supervisor commented that he had certainly had earned some time off and seemed resigned to the fact that he would be unable to convince Carlisle to stay at work anyway.

There was definitely a positive energy surrounding Carlisle. It made the angel look even more glorious. I beamed knowing that my return had brought him joy and that I would be forgiven. That energy continued during the car ride home. He continued to hold my hand tightly. I was starting to wonder if he did so over concern that I might take off again...

We didn't talk much during the drive, though I knew there was much to discuss. For now, we just wore smiles and stole glances at each other. Each time I looked at Carlisle, I felt my smile grow until my cheeks hurt.

I couldn't remember the last time I smiled like this - at least a lifetime ago.

My still heart leapt when we arrived home as Carlisle sped ahead of me to open the car door and the door to the house. Inside a fire was glowing brightly in the fireplace and a small banner hung over the mantle: "Welcome Home".

Carlisle chuckled, "Edward missed you too." He was obviously as touched as I was by Edward's gesture.

"Edward?" I called out. I was anxious to see him. I did feel I owed him an apology for leaving without the courtesy of an explanation. I still didn't know what I would say to make amends. Then again, he'd know what was in my mind. My thoughts would convey my regrets for leaving him and I would promise to never again to be the cause of his unhappiness.

"I think he wanted to give us some time alone," Carlisle said, touching my shoulder gently. "Would you like to sit by the fire?"

"I would like that very much."

We sat close to each other on the floor in front of the fire, both of us a little stiff in our posture. I drew in a deep breath knowing I owed Carlisle some sort of explanation. At the very least, he would want to know where I was over the past few weeks...

Carlisle noticed my nervousness, and always the gentleman, he took my hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Then he surprised me by putting his arm around me and pulling me close to him. It was an awkward gesture that made me thrilled and nervous at the same time.

But this was to be my home now.

The conversation could wait. I relaxed my head against his shoulder and chest, and for the first time I truly appreciated his distinct alluring scent. It was earthy. Like the smell of cedar and pine, the smell of the woods during a wet spring day. I took it in, analyzing all its subtleties and flavors. I liked it - very much.

We stayed this way for an unknown amount of time. The silence seemed to speak the truth for us. Words were definitely optional.

Eventually the fire started to die down. Carlisle stood to add another log and then stoked the fire back to life. When he rejoined me on the floor he looked into my eyes and broke the silence.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

I took a long look into his eyes. I could see the flames from the fire dancing in them. They pulled me in and left me feeling like I would melt from the warmth. He was so strong and beautiful.

When I did finally speak, the words spilled out in a rush, "Carlisle, I am so sorry for running, quite literally, away from you. I hope you didn't blame yourself for anything. I just was so overwhelmed with the memories of my human life. I didn't want it to be a burden for you to bear. But it wasn't right what I did to you and Edward either. Please forgive me. "

But there was no hesitation on his part.

"Esme, dear, there is nothing to forgive. The way each one of us deals with grief is different. I am just so thankful you are back." He brushed the back of his hand against my cheek. The fire had warmed his skin and it felt wonderfully soothing against mine.

This time he drew in the deep breath, "With all you have been through, I know trusting someone is not something that will come easy. Trust will have to be earned. I want to earn your trust, Esme. I want you to know that I am someone you can come to and lean on. But I also know what I ask may take time. I just want you to know, I have plenty of time..."

Now I knew I would melt!

With everything inside of me, I wanted to trust him.

I could even love him.

That was what I learned during my time away.

I tried to explain...

"Carlisle, when I was gone, I looked for where I belonged. Where could I go to feel happiness again? I felt... bitter and angry. Ugly and unlovable.

"I didn't know where to go. I decided to go to Columbus, just to see my brother and sisters again. I needed to know they were well and happy. I saw them, but I did not go to them. They had moved on in their life and I knew I was too different to go back. There would be too many questions, most of which I could never answer. Then I went to Milwaukee to look in on Mary Ann. I was so overjoyed to see she's expecting! I didn't have a place in her life either. I left a note in her mailbox to thank her for her kindness and to tell her not to worry about me.

"They all seemed very content and happy, but I realized it wasn't because of where they were, but what they had inside their hearts. There was no where I could go to be happy until I dealt with what was inside of me. That was the place I had to go first to move forward.

"I have to let go of my fear and anger. Once I admitted that fact, I knew where I would go - home to be with you and Edward.

"When I left my family, I said goodbye to that life - all of it. I am ready to start a new one. I don't want to leave, ever. Everything I care about is here.

"Can you forgive me for leaving? Can you ever trust me?"

Carlisle had not taken his eyes off mine since I began my long explanation. But now he looked away. Did I say too much? Was I asking for too much?

"I, too, have to ask for your forgiveness," he finally said. "I was not entirely forthcoming with you. I may have been able to save you from the emotional shock of your past."

My brow furrowed. I couldn't understand what he was referring to. My look of confusion coaxed more information from him.

"I read your medical file at the hospital. I knew about Benjamin."

That's right! Carlisle spoke Benjamin's name the night of Charles' death! He knew I had lost a child and had not told me!

This time I averted my eyes. They prickled, but no tears fell. I felt betrayed, but was uncertain as how to react...

"Is there anything else you have not told me that I should know?" My voice was icy. I needed to know it all before I could move forward. What other skeletons were still in the closet?

"I am so sorry, Esme. I only wanted to protect you. At least that's what I convinced myself I was doing by keeping your part of your history a secret. Every day that went by, everyday that you didn't remember, the harder it was for me to disclose the truth. I began to want you to forget. I guess, subconsciously, I was afraid if you remembered your past, you might suffer more. I didn't want to cause you anymore pain. I was selfish and a coward. I beg for your forgiveness."

Carlisle hung his head with regret and I couldn't help but reach out to comfort him. My feelings of betrayal were eclipsed by my need to relieve his emotional pain.

"I forgive you." It was a simple response, but it was all I could give.

He looked at me with grateful eyes, then as if encouraged by my response he said, "I have only two more things to confess to you..."

I nodded wearily.

"First, when you are ready, I have all your belongings from the cabin you were living in before your ...accident. They are in a trunk in my room."

"And the other?"

"The other confession is something I need to show you. Are you up for that now?"

I was torn and emotionally exhausted. Yes, I wanted to move on, be done with my old life and knew I could only do that by putting the past behind me. But at the same time, what Carlisle wanted to show me was an unknown and I was fearful. How would I react to whatever he showed me?

"Will you stay with me? Will you help me face whatever it is?" It was my first attempted at leaning on him. Trusting on a whole different level than before.

"Yes, I will. I will be whatever you need me to be," he answered without hesitation.

I swallowed the fear that was welling up in my throat and managed a quiet "Okay."

"Let's run," he said as he took my hand to guide me to a stand.

I let a small smile replace my look of concern. "I like to run. It feels like freedom."

We left the house with all our speed. We ran several miles. Carlisle held my hand.

He decreased our pace as we entered the cemetery at the very edge of town, and glanced at me with apprehension in his eyes. However, I did not question our reason for being here. I would wait for him to reveal whatever it was he wanted to show me.

We walked silently through the grave sites until we finally paused before a beautiful white marble headstone.

"I wanted to give Benjamin what you would have wanted for him. I grieved for him, Esme...and I had him buried here."

My eyes snapped to the headstone in front of me to confirm what Carlisle had just spoken.

The headstone sparkled in the light of the rising sun. Engraved on the stone was a sweet-faced cherub with outstretched wings. The angel held his eyes and arms up to heaven. Below him was an inscription:

Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long...
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
The Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know...
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Benjamin Joseph Evenson

May 5, 1921 - May 8, 1921

I dropped to my knees and reached out to touch the only symbol of my child's existence in this world. The stone was cold and hard - like me.

I let my finger tips graze over the cherub's face and the gentle words. I paused when I reached my child's name.

"Thank you. Thank you, Carlisle, for this," I could only whisper the words.

He knelt beside me in the dewy wet grass. "I am so sorry for your loss, Esme. I know you would have been a wonderful mother to Benjamin. What happened was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done different. Your angel was not meant for this world. God claimed him for Himself."

I looked at Carlisle with a sudden realization, "Could you have savedhim like yousaved me?"

Carlisle shook his head. "No, Esme. There is nothing I could have done either. Children cannot be transformed. It...it's not permitted."

I did not question Carlisle's statement any further. It didn't matter now anyway. I looked at the stone once more.

"I miss you, Benjamin. I will never forget you." I leaned forward to gently place my lips on the smooth marker.

Now I just had one more question I needed answered...

"Carlisle, will I be able to have children?"

I knew the answer as soon as I looked into his face.

"No."

It didn't come as a shock. I could tell this unchanging hard body would not be capable of giving life. But it made me feel deeply sad none the less.

"We can be a family - me, you and Edward," Carlisle urged softly.

I know he was trying to soften the fact that I was to be eternally barren. He pulled me up from my knees and held me in a tight embrace. "We'll find a way through this - together. I will find a way to bring joy back into your life, Esme. I promise. "

The sincerity of his words touched my still heart. With Carlisle's support, I had hope of healing.

I decided then and there it was time for me to take another leap. A leap of faith.

I would place my fate in Carlisle's capable hands. I would be part of this coven-turned-family.

I would welcome the future with open arms and an open, healed heart.

Today would be the start of a new life. A better life.

AN: How's that for happy and heartbreaking at the same time? This is one of my favorite chapters. Hope you enjoyed too. Leave me your comments if you would be so kind...