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Carlisle and Esme: How the Love Story Began…

Journey

Journal Entry: May 8, 1923

Dear Journal:

Happy Anniversary!

Today I celebrate my first wedding anniversary with my wonderful, immortal, gorgeous husband. But I guess I am partial.

Our honeymoon was like a dream. So full of beautiful memories that my fantastical brain will keep safe forever. My favorite memory was our homecoming. Edward had placed a banner in the yard that read 'Welcome Home Mom and Dad'. The added special touch: the sounds of classical piano emanating from the house. I truly felt like I belonged to a family.

How could I summarize this past year? I guess I would have to say that I never thought I could learn so much about one person – who lived one incredible lifetime! This first year together has taught me more than I ever dreamed. Carlisle has such a vast history; I can listen to him talk for hours (and usually do!). I have gained many new perspectives on world history, especially when the facts come from an eye witness. As someone who will always be a teacher at heart, it just tears me apart that he can't share his accounts with school children. How much richer their knowledge and insight would be if they could understand what came before. But I can wish.

However, I have learned much more in this past year than just lessons in world history. Love has taught me many things. I have learned to be more patient, tolerant of other views, understanding, thoughtful, empathetic and most of all, thankful.

But one aspect of love I didn't expect was fear. It seems the more I fall in love with my small family, the more I fear losing them. Sometimes I become consumed with thoughts of discovery and being hunted and killed like animals. Cursed by people who know nothing of who we are, just what we are. I can't stop the nightmare from playing out in my mind once the thoughts start forming. They scare me. But these irrational fears are for my journal only. I rarely speak of them; I wouldn't want to burden Carlisle with my silly 'what-if' concerns.

This year has been very good to Carlisle. His supervisor retired and Carlisle was promoted! He had always played it safe when it came to his career – keeping in the background as not to draw any unnecessary attention. But he said with me by his side, he had the courage to accept the supervisory position!

Due to his position change and the need to hire a replacement for Carlisle, I have had to share my husband with a very demanding job. We spent less time together over the last few months. I have done my best not to complain and reassure myself that I have forever to be with him, but I still had to get through some lonely times (which are recounted in earlier entries!). I'd like to think Carlisle realized my need for more companionship rather than Edward making the connection for him, but either way, the result is this vacation. A chance to reconnect. A second honeymoon.

Which, Journal, brings us to today. Carlisle said it was time to make good on a promise he made during our first honeymoon: to show me the world. I do not know our ultimate destination, but Carlisle took a three week leave from the hospital!

While I am more than delighted to see what exists outside of my limited travel experience, I didn't think Carlisle would try to show me the whole world in one trip! So far, here is the itinerary:

The first leg of the mystery anniversary trip had been a car ride to Chicago.

From there we boarded the most incredible train I had ever seen! I think Carlisle forgets how little I have seen in my life. He laughed at my reaction to the larger than life steam engine that huffed billows of steam like a fictional iron dragon. But this wasn't just any train. As Carlisle explained, she had a name and a reputation. The Panama Limited ran from Chicago to New Orleans. 'She' was one of only a few luxury Pullman trains operating in this country. As a Pullman train, she only traveled at night. With all the windows on the train, day travel would have been…uncomfortable.

As I finish this entry, our ocean liner (yes, I am now on a ship!) is docking in Rio de Janeiro in Brazil. Ship travel is all the rage and I could have imagined that this farm girl from Ohio would ever be rubbing elbows with the rich and famous!

I can tell we were finally closing in on our final destination – Carlisle was never very good at concealing his excitement. I wonder…

"Esme, dear, are you ready to disembark?" Carlisle asked as he tipped the steward who took our luggage.

I snapped my journal closed and pushed it into my bag. "Of course. Let the adventure continue," I chimed. Thank heaven I didn't get tired. This trip seemed more like a marathon…

Blissfully unaware of my inner thoughts, Carlisle replied, "That's the attitude, my dear. One more leg to the trip!"

"But I want to see Rio," I whined. "Where are we off to now?" I felt like I had traveled to the ends of the Earth already.

His eyes twinkled. I knew that look. Oh, Lord, what now?

"We have a plane to catch!" He grabbed my hand and off we went.

Rio was a difficult place to hide from the sun. Carlisle and I wore wide brimmed hats and long sleeved cotton shirts. My large sunglasses covered most of my face.

Ironically, our flamboyant attire actually enabled us to blend in well with the other well-to-do travelers.

A hired car was waiting and it took us to further down the docks.

"I thought you said we were boarding a plane?" I finally asked as we were whisked out of the car, obviously on some tight time schedule.

"We are taking a plane – a hydroplane!"

"What?" I froze, jerking Carlisle to a stop. A plane that took off and landed in water? Seriously? Fear actually overtook me for a moment before I remembered my near-indestructibility.

"Oh, what the Hell. Why not... " I murmured before Carlisle took my hand and tugged me forward again.

The plane ride was actually exhilarating and I enjoyed Carlisle's dazzling smile as the joy in him bubbled over.

After several minutes, Carlisle pointed excitedly out the plane window. "That's it! That's our destination."

I looked to where he pointed. There, hugged on all sides by ocean, was a small island. Its contrasting colors of white sand and lush greenery stood out brilliantly against the deep blueness of the water. Even from this distance, it was breathtaking.

The plane's landing was smoother than I expected and it glided up to a small dock that jutted out from the island. We were greeted by a middle aged man with bronze-colored skin that was wrinkled more that it should be for a man his age. As we climbed out of the plane, the man bowed and spoke to us in a language I had never heard before. My jaw dropped slightly as Carlisle addressed the man casually in the same language. I don't think I will ever learn all my husband's talents no matter how long I exist.

We were handed an umbrella to shield us from the intense sun. Although I didn't like being seen as haughty, our guise as well-to-do Americans was working so well to hide what we really were. The people in this part of the world were used to seeing pale travelers as the well-off rarely spent time in the sun. That would indicate they lacked someone else to do their menial outdoor labor…

As our luggage was carried away, Carlisle took my arm and wrapped it around his. "Welcome to Isle Esme!" he said as he gestured to the scenery before us that resembled a miniature rainforest.

"What!" Again, I jerked him to a halt.

"My Love, happy anniversary! Welcome to our private retreat! I know how much you miss the warmth of the sun. Here we can enjoy the sun and be ourselves. Just us." He positively beamed.

"You….you are giving me an island as an anniversary gift?" I stammered. "Named after me no less?" I knew Carlisle was a man of means, but an island!

I could tell he was getting the reaction from me that he had hoped for -- and he reveled in it.

"Well, I guess it's a gift for the family. And as for the name, it's a blend of our names: 'isle' from my first name and your first name. This place is about celebrating our union. The name seemed appropriate. "

"How?" I was still speaking in clipped sentences, not really absorbing the deep sentiment of the words he had just spoken.

"I called in on an old favor," he said casually.

"Dr. Cullen, explain…" I demanded placing my hands on my hips.

"Well, let me tell you about the history of this island. Come walk with me…."

As we walked down the dock that led to a wide gravel path, Carlisle gave me another history lesson…

"Brazil was once the property of Portugal. But in 1808, the Portuguese Royal Court fled from Portugal ahead of Napoleon's army. Rio de Janeiro became the capital of the Portuguese government from 1808 to 1815. This island retreat was a gift from King Joao IV to his lovely wife, Carlota Joaquina. And now I give it to you. I always wanted to treat you like royalty."

By now, the path had left the beach behind and penetrated into the dense, jungle-like terrain.

My vampire brain whirled with the sensory input of the island. The smells were incredible – moist, earthy and tangy. The sounds were strange! Exotic birds sang all around us and I searched the trees to catch a glimpse of them. I could also hear unseen creatures scurrying in the underbrush and a multitude of frogs that croaked out their love songs. The sights were just as incredible – I never seen so many variations of the color green! The brilliance of the colors was almost too much for my ultra-perceptive eyes.

I was so absorbed in the surroundings; I hadn't realized that Carlisle was waiting for a response from me. What else could I say?

"Carlisle, I love it! It's almost magical."

"Wait until you see the house!" Carlisle almost seemed to shake with excitement.

House, thank goodness, I was half expecting a castle!

"Why wait…let's run!" I said. I so loved to run vampire style…

We took off hand in hand. The scenery blurred by so quickly that all the greens blended into one consistent shade.

As we broke through the trees, the house commanded the view. It was a large, white-stucco structure set against a stunning background of light blue sky and dark blue water. We had transverse the width of the small island and the beach was only steps away from the back of the house.

"Oh," was all I managed to push out of my mouth. "It's amazing."

I let go of Carlisle's hand and rushed through the large wooden front doors. The interior of the home was well lit from the abundance of windows and the sunlight that reflected off the highly polished natural wood floors. The walls were stained white and the vaulted ceilings gave it a feeling of incredible grandeur. Crystal chandeliers powered by candlelight added to the opulence of the house.

"And you got all this in return for a favor?" I asked as I slowly turned toward the door to see Carlisle entering the house. My eyes locked on his and narrowed, "must have been one heck of a favor!"

"Well," Carlisle hedged. "Let's just say that the Portuguese Royal family had a few secrets. The most protected secret being a certain immortal member of the court. He still owed me for services rendered…and my continuing silence."

I knew there was more to this story, but the look in Carlisle's eyes told me this history lesson would have to wait.

He pulled me into his arms and pressed his forehead to mine. "I never had any reason to cash in on that favor until you."

I felt a twinge in my still heart. Even when I was human, I was never as good as this man before me, a man most humans would consider an abomination.

"Carlisle, I have something for you, too."

But my words came out in barely a whisper. I knew I could never reciprocate all that he has given to me. I thought of the handmade gift I had packed for our anniversary. I cast my eyes downward, suddenly feeling very inadequate. What could I possibly give him that could measure up to an island, a loving home, a family, and a new life? All the tangible and intangible things he has given me were too numerous to consider. When I came into his life I had nothing to offer yet I took everything he had to offer.

I actually began to whither in his arms, trying to shrink away from his larger-than-life presence.

His brow furrowed. "Esme? What's wrong?"

I considered whether I should tell the truth and make this moment about me or if I should fib and swallow my insecurities and self-doubt for his sake. I couldn't decide, so I said nothing.

"Esme?" He repeated, alarm coloring his voice.

Carlisle now gripped my shoulders firmly, snapping me out of my brooding thoughts. "Esme, what is going on in that pretty little head of yours?" He tried to maintain a light tone, though I know he was getting worried about my lack of communication and conflicted expression.

When all I did was slump in his grasp, Carlisle guided me over to the last step of the grand staircase that led to yet unexplored rooms. The force he applied to my shoulders indicated he wanted me to sit down. He squatted down in front of me and just looked into my eyes. Patience was another gift he had. He just waited while I struggled to find the words to express what I was feeling.

My mind ticked through the possibilities:

Overwhelmed? So much of my life has changed in just two short years.

Loved by him more than I felt I ever deserved?

Amazed at the power of his totally giving nature?

Inadequate? Could I ever give him all that he deserved? If not, could I survive him leaving me for another who could give him more?

Curious as to why someone so incredible could love me – a farm girl with nothing but a pathetic past?

Yet I am so in love with him I want to burst! I wanted to throw myself around him. I wanted to experience everything about him at once – his smell, his taste, his touch, his emotions, his love. I have nothing to give yet I want all of him. Everything. Always. I have been so greedy. I wanted all this for myself.

All I could do was shake my head and bite my lower lip. I knew my eyes betrayed my bewildered, desperate state.

"Beloved?"

Oh, how I loved when he spoke the literal translation of my name…

"Are you having doubts of some kind? You look like you have something to say, but you're…afraid? What can I do to make it easier for you?" He asked so genuinely it squeezed my lifeless heart. I only doubted myself.

I knew if I told him how I felt, he would dismiss it as nonsense, but I so needed him to understand. Understand that I would always be in his debt – and the dept I owed always seemed to be growing. I'd never be able to repay it!

Suddenly I saw his eyes change. They became so dark and pained. But there was something else there. An extra…glimmer.

Tears? Was this possible? After several centuries of tireless sacrifice and endless service to others was my husband becoming more…human?

The tear was threatening to leak from his eye and stream down his cheek. I raised a finger to catch it. I was so awed by his love for me that my throat seemed to squeeze shut. I touched the tear and it immediately clung to my finger. I looked at it intently, reverently – it was another gift he gave to me.

But my silence was hurting him. I needed to say something…do something…

I felt like a teakettle about to boil….

* * *

Though I had heard of it many times, I was still caught off-guard when it happened: the quick changing, unpredictability of female emotions.

I was expecting an elated Esme!

The beauty of this island was almost unmatched in anything I had seen. So secluded and just for my cherished family to experience. I know I couldn't have been happier. So what was I missing here?

I looked at her shaking and wide-eyed. She looked at me as if I had the answers to her current emotional state.

What a time to be without Edward!

I tried to guess what she was feeling. It looked like fear. But of what? There was only me here. Why would she fear me? Maybe not me per se but my reaction to something?

I tried to process any number of possible explanations along with the potential solutions to each.

Finally, my mind snagged on the worst case scenario: Esme was not happy – not happy with me. Yet I couldn't think of anything I did wrong.

Maybe….maybe she's doesn't want to be here…alone with me.

I knew what I was feeling: dread. Was this love affair over just when I thought it was getting started? I searched my memory for any changes in our relationship. Anything subtle that would have foreshadowed this moment. With my limited experience in relationships, would I even have picked up on any signs?

I know my new position was taking more of my time than I liked. But it was a chance for me to make a difference and to use the knowledge I spent centuries accumulating! But at what cost?

I concluded that she was struggling to let me down easy. In that moment I felt I was in a free fall. Esme was my everything. My personal sun, my warmth, my reason for continuing this life.

I had been alone for so long, yet ignorant to what I was missing. I filled my life with just causes and a professional calling. Now I realize I just had no name for what was absent. I guess you can't miss what you never had.

With her I am completed. I have everything and want for nothing.

Losing her would be akin to ripping out a part of my body. I would never be whole again. A true walking dead man.

The tension in the room was palpable. I was shaking with anxiety and longed to take some action. But what action?

Esme reached out and touched my eye, fascinated by something she saw there.

Please speak my thoughts pleaded.

"Carlisle…"

Then something happened that I never expected in the dozens of scenarios I had run through my head…

End notes: Sorry, but this was my last chance to squeeze in some angst before concluding this story! What would a Twilight fanfic be without angst? As always, please let me know what you think…

Love you all!