Kurt nodded, heart still heavy. "Yes, sweetheart. I was waiting for you to safeword."
"Why?" Blaine whispered, as if he didn't trust his own voice.
"The most important thing, for me, in any relationship, but especially in a D/s relationship, is trust. I know you know that; I know Sebastian and you broke up because you didn't trust him to take care of you like he should. For us to work, at least in the long run, you have to be able to trust me not to – not to harm you."
His voice broke – wasn't that exactly what he had been doing?
"And I know you don't, not completely, and that's okay. After...everything, I think it's a miracle you are able to put some trust in me, in anyone, again. But it's the same for me. I have to be able to trust you to stop me. I'm not a mind reader, I'm not in your body. It's early days for us. I don't know how much pain you can take, how much pain you want. Today...I knew you were reaching your limits, I pushed you on purpose. I won't do that again, ever. But there may come a time when I get...carried away, or a day you don't want things you normally like, or I might just misjudge things, not read your body language correctly, or whatever. I have to know you will stop me then."
"But – but didn't you enjoy it?" Blaine asked, still whispering.
"Beating you? Not particularly. I'm not a sadist, Blaine. I don't get off on your pain. What I want, ultimately, is your submission. And I don't mean the kneeling and calling me 'sir'. I mean giving up your control to me, completely. Trusting me to take you where you need to be, in whatever way I deem right. Giving yourself over to me, to do with as I please. Letting me control what you feel. But to do that, I need to know what you feel. And I need to know when it gets too much."
Kurt took a sip of his tea, too cold now to be really good, and took a moment to sort his thoughts. All of this was so difficult to explain.
"Today, that wasn't that kind of submission. You didn't give yourself over to the pain, to me, you worked through it. Basically, you tried to beat me at the game, prove that you could take whatever I dished out. And I don't mean that as an accusation. I think that perhaps you have come across people who wanted that, who see submission as getting to do whatever they want, without consideration for you."
Blaine cleared his throat. His voice sounded almost normal again, but what he had to say was clearly hard for him.
"My old Dom – not Sebastian, the one before him – he used to – he used to take me out to a club, and he'd challenge one of the other Doms, and they'd take bets on – on how much their subs could take. We would be flogged, or caned, sometimes, and whose sub safeworded first would lose. They'd stop when we did, but if he lost – Alex, he would make very clear I'd disappointed him, and most of the time, once we got home, I would be punished."
"Sweetheart, I'd never punish you for safewording."
But Blaine shook his head. "That's not it. I'm not afraid of punishment. I just – I hate that feeling of being a disappointment. A failure."
Kurt nodded. "I understand that. But, Blaine? Most of the time, when a sub safewords, it's the Dom's fault."
"I know that, in theory. I used to think, back when I started in the scene, that safewording shouldn't be such a big deal. Like, you try something, you don't like it, you say so, over. But somehow, every time I actually did safeword, it felt...awful."
"I felt awful whenever someone I played with would safeword, in the beginning," Kurt said. "It was this complete panic, you know? I thought, I have fucked up so badly now. But then I remembered, when I safeworded, it was just – that's enough."
"When did you have to safeword? I mean, you're a Dom. That's not...exactly usual, is it?"
"Well, what I was referring to, that was when I subbed for Elliot during my training. And I don't know if you've ever played with him, but he doesn't coddle you. Not even when you're just a Dom in training who can't take as much as even the most inexperienced sub."
"I can't imagine you as a sub."
"Well, it wasn't exactly a good fit. But Elliot insists on it. Every Dom who trains with him has to sub every once in a while. He says it makes us better Doms if we know what things feel like. Can't argue with that, I guess, and though I didn't like subbing much, it was a good experience."
Blaine nodded, smiling a little. "Sir? Can we...do something else? I'm all talked out."
"We'll have to talk more later, sweetheart, but we can take a break. Just let me say this one thing: I'm sorry. I never want to hurt you, and that I did today, even though I still believe it was necessary – I don't like that at all. Forgive me?"
Blaine nodded slowly. "You had your reasons, and I think I'm starting to understand. So, yes, I forgive you." He smiled. "I didn't expect an apology. It's not something Doms do often, in my experience."
"We should get lunch," Kurt said, rising abruptly. "Do you feel up to going out?"
After changing clothes, they went out to a small diner that had delicious sandwiches. Blaine walked a little stiffly and was careful sitting down, but he said it was nothing to worry about.
"It doesn't really hurt, it's more of a stretch," he said. "You don't have to feel bad, Sir."
Kurt gave him a tight smile. He wasn't sure when he would stop feeling bad about what had happened – what he had done – but he only said,
"We're not at home anymore, sweetheart. You have to remember not to call me 'sir'."
"Oh right. Sorry, S – I mean, Kurt." He paused, taking a bite of his sandwich. "It feels already weird to call you that." He sounded pleased.
…...
Blaine felt...surprisingly alright. Sure, his back hurt, and it would be some time until he would accept to be flogged again – mainly because he still shuddered when he thought about today. It had been a weird experience to turn from slightly stressed to wildly aroused to utterly wretched in such a short time, and it was nothing he was keen on repeating. Still, he trusted Kurt not to do it again, and to some point, he understood why he had thought it was necessary.
And even with the fight yesterday and the bad scene today, the weekend had been...incredible. For most of yesterday, he had been happily floating in subspace, intermingled with periods of intense arousal and sexual frustration. He had always had a thing for delayed gratification, so it made sense that he liked orgasm denial. It was definitely something he wanted to experience again, and soon.
So, he felt good. It even felt good to feel weird about calling Kurt by his name. He was just so happy to be in a contract, to have a steady Dom. He still was afraid. He couldn't quite figure Kurt out yet – he was certainly different than his other Doms, though that could only be good. He had the lingering suspicion that it didn't mean he would be easier, though. Blaine had already experienced that Kurt could insist on taking him far, far away out of his comfort zone.
He decided to just enjoy the moment. For now, that meant enjoying his sandwich and the opportunity of talking to Kurt outside the limits of a D/s relationship – although it felt weird, it was nice to sometimes take a break, too.
…...
It was late afternoon when they returned home, having stayed in the diner long after their food was eaten because it felt nice and they had nowhere else to be. They had talked and laughed, but Kurt's mind still brooded over what had happened in the morning. It was no use telling himself that it was right, it was necessary, it would help them in the long run – he still felt guilty, and mostly awful. Blaine, on the other hand, seemed to have recovered completely, looking at him with eyes full of more trust than he could ever have merited. He smiled at Blaine a little tightly.
"I think we deserve something relaxing, don't you? I'd like to introduce you to the joys of musical theater."
"I'm a music teacher and a gay man who is aware of his responsibility to at least conform to some stereotypes, Sir. No introduction necessary."
Chuckling, Kurt put in 'The Sound of Music', one of his comfort films, sat down beside Blaine, but hesitated to press the play button on the remote.
"You know," he said slowly, "I also safeworded as a Dom."
"You did? How so?"Blaine asked, turning to face him.
Kurt ran his hands over his face and sighed. "Chandler is...a fairly heavy masochist. He craves – he needs pain, strong pain. That today? Would have been nothing to him. And I...wasn't comfortable with that, at all. The first time I forced myself to hit him until my arm gave out, and it still wasn't enough for him. I took him home and then cried myself to sleep. And the next time – I tried, and then I looked at the barely healed marks on his back, and I safeworded. I actually said his safeword, because I didn't have one of my own. I just couldn't do it."
"Wow," Blaine said softly. "What did you do?"
"I tried to satisfy him in other ways. For a time, we had a 24/7 D/s relationship. He moved in with me, and he was my sub the whole time. We did everything, you know. He walked to heel, whenever he had free time, he knelt at my feet, sometimes I kept him caged. Even when we had to pretend in public, he made it very clear to me that he did it as another act of submission to me. He basically was my slave. But it...for me, it was frequently too much. For him, it wasn't enough, or rather, not the right kind of submission. When his need grew to strong, I'd take him to Elliot, who literally whipped him bloody. We'd both end up sobbing on these occasions, him from the pain and the release he'd get from it, me...from the sheer horror of it. In the end, we had to admit that we wouldn't work out."
Kurt hugged his knees and looked at Blaine, blinking back tears. "I didn't enjoy what I did to you today. In general, I like flogging, or whipping, or whatever. I like to watch the sub's skin turn red, I like to hear the sounds they make, I like pushing their boundaries. I would very much like to make you fly one day. But it stops being enjoyable to me when it stops being enjoyable to you."
He rather abruptly started the film then. After a few minutes, Blaine cuddled into him, and Kurt stroked his hair while he kept his eyes on the screen, but his mind somewhere else.
Towards the end of the movie, Blaine said,
"You know, this is nice, us being all romantic like that."
"Is that what we are doing?"
"I'm afraid so, Sir. But don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Your reputation as the Big Bad Dom won't be in danger."
Kurt noticed that his laughter was genuine, and he began to hope they'd be alright.