Chapter 15: The Awful Battle Of The Pekes And The Pollicles
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Anyway, what I just said was the title of a little skit we had prepared to perform for Old Dueteronomy when he arrived. It was about these two dog tribes called-wait, I'll just let you listen, Munkustrap explains the whole thing anyway, and probably a lot better then I would. So I moved to the side and sat by Tumble and watched him.
Of the awful battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles
Together with some account
Of the participation
Of the Pugs and the Poms, and the intervention of the Great Rumpus Cat
Told you it was a mouthful.
The Pekes and the Pollicles, everyone knows,
Are proud and implacable, passionate foes;
It is always the same, wherever one goes
Munk's right, dogs do fight a lot. Animals, they are.
And the Pugs and the Poms, although most people say
That they do not like fighting. Yet, once in a way,
They now and again join into the fray
And they:
Oh, yippee! Now we get to be a policles! I mean, pollicles. I mean, we get to bark like pollicles. I mean-oh well.
Bark Bark Bark Bark
Bark Bark Bark Bark
I think I sound like a dog! Maybe I should try that out in a prank sometime...
Until you could hear them all over the park
And now Munkustrap turned to face no one in particular (although actually he was looking in Vicky's direction).
Now on the occasion of which I shall speak
Almost nothing had happened for nearly a week
(And that's a long time for a Pol or a Peke).
Pekes are stupid.
The big Police Dog was away from his beat -
I don't know the reason, but most people think
He slipped into the Wellington Arms for a drink -
Remember, kiddies, drinking should not be done by anyone under the age of 21.
WHICH MEANS I CAN'T DO IT WHICH SUUUUUUUUCKS!
And no one at all was about on the street
When a Peke and a Pollicle happened to meet.
Hey, it's Jerrie and Teazer!
Well, I think...Dad and Teazer's fur kind of matches...although I guess Dad isn't that skinny.
They did not advance, or exactly retreat,
But they glared at each other, and scraped their hind feet,
Dang, I don't think Jerrie and Teazer payed attention during rehearsel. Munkustrap has been having to direct them!
And they:
Well, I bet Munkustrap is regretting making Jerrie and Teazer the first peke and pollicle. Now they messed up on the barking-Jerrie did two extra from Teazer.
Until you could hear them all over the park
Okay, I bet Munkustrap is REALLY starting to regret making Jerrie and Teazer the first peke and pollicle. Now EVERYONE messed up on the barking! HEY DON'T HIT JERRIE!
Until you could hear them all over the park
Okay, now I got up and ran into the junk. See, instead of cockroaches, this time we were going to dress up as Pollicles - mainly but sticking shoeboxes on our heads, feet, and hands.
We all started to form a line, but then to my horror Mungojerrie went in front of me. So, I pushed him. "I'm in front!" "Nah, I am!" "Me!" "Meh!" "Me!" "Meh!" "Me!" "Meh!" "Please?" "Fine".
Score for me! Now walk out and stop. I caught the last words of Munkustrap's verse.
But a terrible din is what Pollicles like,
For your Pollicle Dog is a Doryorkshire tyke,
Munkustrap turned to us and-cool, he gave me a salute!
For emphasis I saluted him back, before we began our march.
There were dogs out of every nation
The Irish, the Welsh, and the Dane
Whoops, sorry, didn't mean to run you over Munky!
Never heard of a Welsh, but Dane's scare me!
Don't tell anyone that thou-HA HA HA Tumblebrutus is going the wrong way!
The Russian, the Dutch, the Dalmation
And even from China and Spain
From the poodle, the balmy Alstation
Ha ha! Alonzo just pushed Tumble back into line! Seriously, how they related?
And the Basset who growls on the train
I have no idea what were talking about.
Hey, look, Dad and Quaxo are wearing bags. Why are they wearing bags and not me?
And to those that are frisky and frollicle
That my mean be perfectly plain
Hey, let go of my head!
Not funny Munkustrap! Mungojerrie just bumped into me, let me go!
Oh, a wise guy, huh? LETME AT EM! TAKE THAT AND THAT AND THAT AND THAAAAAAA-!
That my name is Little Tom Pollicle
And you better not do it again!
OW! Okay, you BETTER not just let me fall on my stomach again, Munkustrap!
And his braw Scottish cousins are snappers and biters,
And ever dog-jack of them notable fighters;
and so they stepped out with their pipers in order,
Playing When the Blue Bonnets Came Over the Border
What is that annoying sound? Oh, it's just Tugger on the bagpipes. Wait that didn't come out right...let me try again: DAMMIT IT'S TUGGER ON THE BAGPIPES?!
Why does that jerk always ruin everything, I mean, look, he just knocked over all the queens! On purpose too! What do they see in him?
Then the Pugs and the Poms held no longer aloof,
But some from the balcony, some from the roof,
Joined in to the din with a:
BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK! So what if I do it on the girls side two, barking is fun! I understand why pollicles do it so much!
Until you could hear them all over the park
For some reason we all started to say the words that meant a dog was sniffing or something....I think. What does huffery-snuffery mean?
Huffery-snuffery, huffery-snuffery,
Huffery-snuffery, huffery-snuff!
Heh heh, I sound like a dog.
Until you could hear them all over the park
Suddenly, we all started barking at once.
Oh no! I think Etcetera is barking louder then me! I will not allow this! BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK-
"NOOOOOO!"
Jeez, break my eardrums, will ya Munk?!
When these bold heroes together assembled,
The traffic all stopped, and the Underground trembled,
And some of the neighbors were so much afraid
That they started to ring up the Fire Brigade.
I noticed then that Electra was pointing at me. At first I thought it was good and smiled at her, but then of all things Electra makes a rude gesture! To spite her I pretended to shoot all of the queens. Oh crap, everyone else is moving forward! Must hurry up!
When suddenly up from a small basement flat.
Why who should stalk out but,
Whoops, sorry Jem! Didn't mean to run into you!
The Great Rumpus Cat!
And of course Admetus flies out the wrong way. Right, I forgot, Admetus is playing Rumpus Cat or something.
His eyes were like fireballs fearfully blazing,
Okay, I thought Mom was going to make his costume look GOOD. He looks like a giant rubber plush toy! Man, Admetus must be blushing like mad under there! At least Old D looks interested...
He gave a great yawn, and his jaws were amazing;
And when he looked out through the bars of the area,
You never saw anything fiercer
I've seen chicken bones fiercer then that!
Or hairier
Okay, that's true.
What with the glare of his eyes and his yawning,
The Pekes and the Pollicles quickly took warning.
He looked to the sky and he gave a great leap -
And they every last one of them scattered like sheep.
Scatter! Scatter!
As soon as me and Tumble where in the junk, we began peeling off our costume-and of course making fun of Admetus. "Jeez, did you see how dumb he looked in that ouftit!" Tumble said.
"He made the Great Rumpus Cat look like a Great Flumpus Cat!"
"I know! Those eyes and tail were so fake!"
"Man, I never plan on letting him live that down!" I said.
"Live what down?"
I jumped about three feet in the air. Was that Metus? I turned and gasped. Why is there a shoebox on your head?! "I played a Pollicle, remember, I was in back," Admetus told me. Damn, what's with me and saying my thoughts out loud without knowing it?
But back to business. "I-I-I-I-I-I thought you were Rumpus Cat!" I stammered. "No, Plato was," Admetus said, looking confused. WHAT?! But Plato was IN BACK I saw him!
Wait a minute....
I ran out, and then my mouth dropped.
The real Rumpus Cat was standing there with Munkustrap.
Oh my Everlasting Ca-
TUGGER SHUT UP ON THE DAMN BAGPIPES!!!!
All hail and all bow to the Great Rumpus Cat!
You have no idea people!
......and bow!
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Done!