Their most intimate secret is that they are both terrified of thunderstorms. It was something they'd discovered about each other years ago, camping with the gang. Zuko had found her alone in the middle of the night, hiding away from everyone else. She'd been trembling and sobbing gently to herself with her hands pressed over her ears. "What's wrong?" He'd asked, to which she'd replied, "Mind your own business."
"Are you scared of the storm?"
"What do you think I am? A baby?"
And Zuko had sat down beside her. "It's okay. I won't tell anyone. As long as you don't tell anyone that it scares me, too."
They'd spent that entire night silently huddled together until the storm passed, and to this day, thunderstorms are the only occasion for which they ever embrace.
The storm tonight is violent, dangerous, and chaotic, assaulting the walls with wind and debris, and rattling the windows with thunder. Zuko knows it's only a matter of time before she comes to him, and Toph knows he'll be expecting her - she doesn't bother knocking when she enters his room. She makes a beeline, clamboring into Zuko's open and waiting arms, where they nestle in close. For Toph, it's the thunder that ails her. The sound penetrates deep into the earth and resonates painfully inside her, throbbing in her skull until she nearly can't "see" anymore. And for Zuko, it's the lightning. With each strike he swears he can feel electricity burning in his chest. In tiny flashes he relives moments of terror and shame. It's been this way ever since his coronation, and it's only gotten steadily worse.
Over the years it's become like a ritual, the way they huddle together. Zuko's palms are covering Toph's ears while his chin rests atop her head, and Toph's hands are rubbing soothing patterns into Zuko's back and shoulder blades. "Do you think this one's gonna last long?" She asks in a voice so small that nobody would believe it was hers.
"I hope not."
"What do you do," she asks, "when we're not together? How do you get through it?"
The truth is that when he suffers through a storm alone, he'll curl up in bed and sweat and shake and do his best to think only of Toph; it's the only image he can manifest strongly enough in his mind to compete with the horrors that otherwise plague him. He doesn't want to admit it, though; it would sound too sappy and too needy - both of which are traits he and Toph pretend to thoroughly hate. So instead of answering, he deflects. "I just do, I guess. How do you survive?"
"Honestly?"
"Yeah."
She sighs, hugging him a little tighter. "Sometimes if I can remember the sound of your heartbeat, the thunder doesn't hurt so bad." Then she smiles a small, tired smile when she hears the embarrassed flutter in his chest. "Yeah, I know. It's lame. And if you ever tell anyone I said that, I'll literally kill you."
"I know." He holds her tighter, too, seizing a little upon another flash of lightning. His breath labors and his body goes cold.
"You're okay," Toph reminds him. "You're safe."
"I know." But his response this time is empty and mechanical, like he isn't really there. Storms are worse for Zuko than they are for Toph. For her it's just a matter of temporary pain and the frustration of being powerless to do anything about it. But for Zuko, it's physically, emotionally, and mentally traumatic.
Toph knows he's gone now - or mostly gone, at least - and probably won't be back until after the storm. He's somewhere inside his head, trapped in dark memories. But as long as Toph keeps talking to him, she hopes, he'll be okay. So through her own pain, she talks - reminisces about when they were kids, tells lighthearted stories, recounts their past drunken adventures - anything at all to keep him from being dragged too far away into his mind.
…
As is typical of most firebenders, Zuko awakens the instant sunlight filters in through the window. He doesn't remember having fallen asleep, and it isn't until he moves to stretch that he realizes he isn't alone in bed. This is hardly the first time he's woken up beside a girl with little recollection of what had transpired between them, but this girl is Toph.
So for a few moments, he sits still and stares. She's tucked in close, small, and warm beside him, with her head nestled in the crook of his arm while one of her hands rests over his heart. She looks so comfortable - and honestly he's comfortable with her there, too - that he almost doesn't want to move. But ever so gently, cautiously and quietly, he begins to slide out from under her. She must be exhausted; he knows she's an even lighter sleeper than he is, but she hardly stirs at all.
Toph is pretty in a way he's never really noticed. Maybe it's harder to see when she's belching and scratching her armpits and swearing all the time, but there's no mistaking it now in quiet stillness. She is pretty in a silky, floral sort of way. He knows better than to think she looks delicate or weak, but there's something about the round smoothness of her features, and her smallness underneath thick blankets, that makes him smile.
But, he supposes, as much as he's enjoying looking at her, he'd better get her back to her own room.
He moves to slide his arms underneath her to lift her against his chest, and as he does so, her vacant, opaque eyes flutter open to stare into his face. "Hey, Zuko." Her voice is small and tired.
"Shhh. Go back to sleep."
"Are you feeling better?" She asks once he lifts her from the bed.
"I'm fine. Sleep."
"You really had me worried." Toph mumbles, barely awake as he carries her out the door and down the hall.
"I'm sorry."
"You're getting worse."
"I'll be okay."
Pressing her hand against his chest, she says, "You don't believe that."
"Yeah, well," Zuko pauses to nudge her bedroom door open with his shoulder, careful not to bump her head on the frame. "I'll believe it soon."
"If you say so." She knows he's just telling her want she wants to hear, but she's much too exhausted to argue. When he lowers her onto her mattress, she clings a little to his elbows before he pulls away and asks, "Is the sky clear?"
He checks the window behind the bed. "...I'm afraid not. But it probably won't rain again for a while."
"Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure."
"Okay…"
And with that, she finally releases him.
She's asleep again before he leaves the room, and he takes extra care to close the door silently. Then leaning his forehead against the wood, a deep sigh drains from him. He's so distracted that he doesn't hear Katara approach from down the hall.
"What were you doing in Toph's room?"
"Huh?" He jumps a little, spinning around to face her.
"What," she crosses her arms over her chest, "were you doing in Toph's room?"
Upon catching the suggestive note in her tone, Zuko begins shaking his head. "No, it's not like that. I was just taking her back to her own bed…" That didn't come out right, he thinks.
"So she was in your bed?" She raises one disgusted eyebrow.
"Oh, for the love of-... you know better than to even suggest-"
"Please, It's not like you haven't slept with nearly every woman you know."
"I'm not-" He yells at first, but then hastily corrects his volume to a harsh whisper. "I am not sleeping with Toph."
"Then what was she doing in your bed?"
"It's…" He honestly did intend to try to explain, but he changes his mind. "It's none of your business. I don't have to explain myself to you." Well, what was he supposed to say? That he couldn't handle a little thunderstorm by himself and needed to be babysat just to get through it?
"Of course not," she mocks him, rolling her eyes. "Forgive me for intruding, Firelord."
"Whatever," he waves a dismissive hand as he turns away. "If you insist on staying mad at me, then fine. That's your right. But do it on your time. Not mine. And leave Toph out of it."
"Don't just walk away from me!"
Zuko can almost hear her hands on her hips.
"See you at dinner, Katara."
...
Toph told everyone that she's gone outside the wall to practice her earthbending, but she's really smashing her feelings.
She has never done well with feelings of any sort. She only knows how to express emotions through crass insults and brute force; that's where she feels honest and at home. Anything other than that would feel… ridiculous. And right now, she thinks her feelings are ridiculous - they're the kinds that are expressed in warmth, closeness, quietude and tenderness.
She thinks there can't possibly be a tender bone in her body, and she proves it to herself by smashing head-first through solid rock. She's unconcerned with warmth or closeness or quietude. Coldness, distance, and noise have been so good to her over the years, and why change a good thing? As the country folk in the Earth Kingdom say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
And yet…
Sleeping beside Zuko had been easy. He'd been warm and close, breathing quiet, even breaths, and as her hand had rested upon his heart, she'd felt tenderness in the rhythm there. She'd been awake when he unconsciously began to embrace her in his sleep, and she'd let him do it. And it was… lovely, for lack of a better word. She's never thought of anything as "lovely."
Whatever. She dismisses the thought, driving it from her mind as she pulverizes her way through rocks, crushing them to dust.
Toph Beifong is far too dignified to waste any time brooding over anyone.
She's the strongest person she knows, no doubt. Hell, if she wanted to, she could probably bring this whole city down just by clenching her fists. She could dismantle an entire fleet of Fire Navy ships and fold all the parts neatly into fourths. She is the greatest earthbender the world has ever seen - a force all her own, a status that no one could ever dream of threatening. Toph Beifong doesn't need anyone, and she certainly doesn't need Zuko.
(Except maybe during thunderstorms.)
...
The day after a storm is always stressful and exhausting. Zuko can hardly concentrate while he prepares for his meeting with the Earth Queen, and as he stares at his freshly washed face in the mirror, he tries to make himself smile. Katara had told him that he only resembles Ozai when he scowls, but it isn't true. Sometimes he has half a mind to burn the rest of his face off.
"My Lord," a voice calls from his doorway, "the palanquin is ready for you now."
"I'll be out in a moment," he says after clearing his throat.
It isn't a long way to the palace, but the palanquin bearers sure are taking their time. Earth Kingdom citizens and Fire Nation tourists shout for his attention, waving and clamboring over one another to get a glimpse of the Firelord. A more personable king would smile and offer a regal wave or two, but Zuko can't stop wishing he could just cover his face. He stares dead ahead, doing his best to ignore them, and he doesn't realize it, but he's scowling again.
"I haven't got all day, you know…" he complains to the palanquin bearers, hopefully quietly enough that the spectators can't hear. The ride becomes bumpy and he's jostled around a little as the men pick up their pace. If Zuko could have his way, he'd have walked alone to the Palace, covertly in a hooded cloak like the ones he wears when he goes bar hopping with Toph. But no, being Firelord is a lot more than just giving orders and meeting with other world leaders; he has to let people see him doing it. When he complains about this to his advisors, calling it ridiculous and pointless, they tell him, it's politics, sir. Frankly, Zuko doesn't always see the difference.
When he arrives, he's greeted by the new Queen herself. She smiles and bows her head, and the Firelord halfheartedly returns the gesture. They each dismiss their guards before she says with a crooked grin, "You look awful."
"...Thanks." Zuko raises an eyebrow.
"No sleep last night?"
"Not really."
"Did the storm keep you up?"
"Something like that," he says, following Kuai into the tea room where they sit across from each other on two cushions. Zuko appreciates how informal it all is; being royalty gets rather tiresome with all the manners and formalities and facades of professionalism.
"The weather's been unusually unbecoming lately. My apologies that it's put a damper on your visit."
"It's fine." He finds it absurd that anyone would apologize for the weather.
Then, she tilts her head to one side. "You really don't say much, huh?"
"I guess not."
"My father told me you were always a man of few words."
"Depends on what needs to be said."
"Indeed," she nods. "Well… I don't think there's actually a lot for us to go over, is there? My council was just insisting that I meet privately with you. Good public relations or something."
At last, Zuko manages a laugh. "Believe me, I get it. Sometimes it's easier to just give the people what they want."
"As long as it doesn't hurt anyone, of course."
"Of course."
Just then, a servant scuttles into the room, delivers a platter with two teacups, and hurries away. Both emperors ignore her expertly - that's what a lifetime of being served will do to a person.
"So tell me, Firelord," Kuai brings her cup underneath her nose, inhaling steam, "what do you think the people want?"
Zuko ponders for a minute, sipping at his tea. It's the same recipe that Uncle had made famous at The Jasmine Dragon. "...Familiarity, mostly."
A little downcast, Kuai nods. "There's not a whole lot that's familiar about the Fire Nation and the Earth Kingdom being welcoming of each other."
"No, there's not. But it's getting easier. My people are adjusting perhaps slowly, but surely."
"Likewise. I trust you've been treated well since you've been here?"
"With the utmost respect." Then again, who in their right mind would show the Firelord anything but respect? He imagines that the Fire Nation students studying in the exchange program at Ba Sing Se University are subject to a different story, as are the Earth Kingdom students currently studying in the Fire Nation.
Noticing the uneasy set of Zuko's shoulders, Kuai says, "It's a shame for me to admit, but I'm sure you've spent more time among the Earth Kingdom citizens than I have."
"I lived all over this country a for while. As a refugee. Or uh, a fugitive. Both."
"Then in your opinion, how different are the people of our nations?"
Zuko takes a moment to sigh. He remembers the plains village and his brief friendship with Lee. He'd helped and protected the villagers and they'd helped and protected him, but in the end, they'd decided that their village was no place for a Fire Nation native, banished or not. He remembers that awful play on Ember Island; an entire theater full of people cheering upon his death.
Zuko finally says, staring down into his teacup, "...We're not that different."
"I see. Do you think there's anything we can do to help ease tensions?"
"I believe," Zuko says, sounding more like a proper Firelord, "that our people must iron out their prejudices for themselves. Encouragement from us wouldn't be harmful - rules and regulations that would enforce fair treatment of everyone - but ultimately we can't force them to accept each other. Only time and dialogue can bring true understanding."
"Perhaps you're right," she concedes. "Firelord Zuko," she stands, and Zuko follows suit, "it's been an honor to properly meet you."
Then Zuko bows. "You, as well."
"I'd be happy to talk more, but my advisors insist I not keep your company for too long. You know. With your reputation, and all." She smirks good-naturedly, and Zuko feels his face beginning to flush.
"Yeah. My reputation." Inwardly, he's smashing his palm into his forehead. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It had taken him far too long in the early days of his reign to realize that most women couldn't help but kiss-and-tell.
"We'll be in touch, Firelord. Send the Avatar and the others my regards."
…
Toph is waiting for him on the front porch, drinking tea and eating from a bowl of mandarin oranges.
"How'd the meeting go?" She asks around a mouthful.
"Fine. Queen Kuai is great, but not very… tactful. You better not leave those peels there," Zuko teases, sitting beside her, "else Katara will have a fit."
"Fuck Katara," she shrugs, tossing another bit of peel over her shoulder to land in the pile she's accumulated.
"Ouch. What'd she do to piss you off this time?"
"I heard you two arguing this morning."
"Oh…" Somehow he still hasn't gotten used to the fact that Toph hears damn near everything that goes on around her. "Sorry about that."
"Why can't she just give you a break?"
"I guess she ran out of breaks. She's given me a lot of those, you know."
Toph snorts her frustration, stuffing three orange wedges into her mouth. "I wish she'd just mind her own business."
"Maybe," Zuko suggests gently, picking up a mandarin and beginning to peel it, "you should give Katara a break. If you knew the whole story, you wouldn't blame her for being upset with me all the time."
"I don't suppose this is your segue into actually telling me the whole story, right?" She huffs.
"You suppose correctly."
"Ugh. Dammit."
"Just promise me you won't get on her nerves too much, okay?" He nudges her with his elbow, to which she replies with a grumble. "Okay?"
"Fine!"
Zuko smiles, lifting one hand to ruffle her hair. "There's my girl."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. So," she says, shrugging away, "she thinks we're fucking now, huh?"
"I told her we weren't."
"Yeah, but still. She's right, you know - I'm the last girl you haven't slept with. There was Mai, Katara, that weekend-thing you had with June, that revenge sex that Suki had with you during that temporary breakup with Sokka," at that, she wrinkles her nose, "and that thing with Ty Lee that I'm not supposed to know about-... oops."
Zuko knows better this time than to be surprised. "Did you spike your tea with something?" He asks, detecting faint hints of alcohol on her breath.
"That Fire Whiskey you brought me. But I'm not totally smashed yet, or anything. Want some?"
Against his better judgement, he accepts and downs half the cup. "So I've slept with a lot of girls," he admits, leaning back and crossing one foot over the other. "What's that got to do with you? It's not like you're a real girl or anything… you're Toph."
"I hate to break it to you, buddy," she reclines into a similar position, "but Toph Beifong is a real girl."
"That's not what I mean. Of course you're a girl…" woman, actually, he thinks to himself, halfway relieved that she can't see him staring at her. She probably knows somehow though. Toph always knows. "If there's one thing I've learned from having been such a slut, it's that sex ruins everything. I mean, look at me and Katara. And Suki and I can hardly be in the same room without it getting too awkward. And Ty Lee, oh man… you'd think a man would remember more about sex with an acrobat, but we were so hammered and now for the life of me I can't figure out why she can't look at me without giggling."
"What about Mai?"
In a hard voice he says, "I don't even want to think about Mai. My point is… you and me, Toph… we're friends. We're perfect. I want us to stay that way."
Then they're quiet for a little while before Toph says thoughtfully, "Yeah… we are pretty perfect. And here all this time I was thinking," she jokes, "that the only reason you hadn't tried to screw me yet is because I must not have been pretty enough for you."
"Hah! Nah, Toph. You're…" He pauses, noticing the way her overgrown bangs are obscuring her face. Her cheeks and forehead are smudged with dirt, and her clothes are generally disheveled. "I know it probably doesn't matter to you, but you're very pretty."
Then she smiles. Grins, really. And if Zuko isn't mistaken, her cheekbones are flushing pink. "You know, the only other person to tell me that was Katara."
"Seriously?" He says, laughing.
"Yeah, if you can believe that."
He'd have never been able to tell her how pretty she is if it wasn't for this morning. Looking at her now, covered and dirt and all haphazardly put together, it's easy for him to see the same girl he saw when he woke up; the one with smooth skin and a sweet face adorned with small features like budding flowers. And he decides that perhaps he likes this version of Toph just as much - the unkempt, casual, brutish and uncaring version. Looking at her compels him to say, "Thanks for staying with me last night."
"What?" She's taken off guard. Typically she can predict shifts in conversation, but not this one. It seemed to come out of nowhere.
"Usually we part ways before morning. But you stayed."
Toph shrugs matter-of-factly, but really she's trying to tame the intense beating of her heart, and she's thankful that he can't hear it. "Of course I stayed. You needed me."
"More than you needed me," he adds.
"Zuko…" she begins, and she can already feel him about to disagree with her before he even knows what she's going to say. "Maybe you should just see a doctor."
"Absolutely not." They've had this discussion before.
"But it's getting worse."
"I can't have anyone else knowing about what happens to me. I'm the Firelord. It's hard enough to get my own people to take me seriously as it is and I'm not gonna let them add some crazy mental disability to their list of reasons why I'm unfit to lead my country."
The conviction in his voice is unwavering, and Toph knows better than most people that when Zuko makes up his mind, there's shit all anyone can do to change it. Still, she nudges his tricep and says, "You've never seen yourself when you get like that - and technically I haven't seen you, either - but… it's scary, okay? And I don't know how much I can really do for you if you keep going downhill like this. Listen," she leans in closer, gripping his arm. "I may not be fall-on-the-floor drunk right now, but I am tipsy enough to admit that I'm terrified for you. I want you to be taken care of by someone who might be able to help you better than I can."
"There's no one who can help me better than you can."
At that, Toph suddenly pulls away and crosses her arms over her chest. "That isn't fair."
"What isn't?"
"You putting that kind of pressure on me!"
Zuko stares into his lap for a little while; it's not like he ever wanted to be so dependant on anyone. "I'm sorry."
With a sigh, Toph says, "Me, too. I mean, maybe if we weren't so far away from each other most of the time, then it wouldn't be a big deal. But in another week you'll be back in the Fire Nation, and then who knows when we'll see each other again?"
The realization makes him sadder than he thought it would. And when he looks at Toph, the same seems to be true for her. He wraps one arm around her shoulder and nestles his chin atop her head, and at first she's stubborn to accept the embrace - after all, they save their hugs only for bad weather. But after a few moments of childish grumbling, she softens into him and together, they exhale.
"I'm gonna be fine," he insists.
"Liar." She's dismissive.
"I'm just trying to be optimistic."
"Tell me something, Mister Optimist. What does the sky look like right now?"
He casts his gaze upward, and his heart sinks at the ever darkening horizon.
"...Angry."
Their worrisome silence is interrupted when the door swings open behind them.
"Hey, Toph-" Katara says, then pauses and glares through narrowed eyes upon noticing the Firelord. "Zuko."
He turns to meet her eyes - she always seems so disgusted with him - and he knows what she must be thinking of his arm around Toph like this. But neither he, nor Toph move away from one another.
"Dinner's ready," Katara says tersely before retreating back into the house and slamming the door behind her. But a few moments later, she calls from the window, "And don't you leave those peels there, Toph!"
Zuko's shoulders are shaking with silent laughter while Toph snickers into his tunic.
"I told you so," he whispers, squeezing her shoulder.
...
Author's Note: I'M SO SORRY. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR TAKING SO LONG. I definitely promised you guys that chapter 3 would be up "much sooner" and god, I wound up taking way longer. I hope this time I'm telling the truth when I say that chapter 4 will be up soon. Or, soonish. As always, I hope you enjoyed reading, and I hope you'll stick around. I've been having so much fun doing this for all of you lovelies out there. Please feel free to let me know what you think!
Love,
Firelord Frowny.