M*A*S*H: What If... Duke Forrest had been assigned to the 4077th.
Colonel Henry Blake sat in his office when Radar opened the door.
"What is it Radar?" he asked.
"Phone sir, it's General Hammond!" Radar replied.
"Oh!" Colonel Blake fumbled with the phone and picked it up. "Hello sir! How are you?"
"Good. Listen, Henry, I have an important announcement for you. I know that you're sometimes short on surgeons, so I'm assigning you a new surgeon. Captain Duke Forrest." General Hammond said.
"Well, thanks General. That's mighty nice of you to do." Henry said.
"The only hitch is that he'll be stopping at the 121st Evac, and I can't send a jeep to you, so you'll have to send a jeep to him."
"No problem sir, I'll get Radar right on it." Henry said
"Great. Good day, Henry." General Hammond said, hanging up the phone.
"You too, General." Henry said. "Radar!"
"I've already called for the jeep." Radar said.
"Call for a jeep!" Henry said.
"And I'll tell The Swamp that they're getting a new tent mate." Radar said.
"And tell The Swamp they're getting a new tent mate!" Henry said.
Radar walked to The Swamp and knocked on the door.
"Come in!" Hawkeye shouted.
"Captains Pierce, McIntyre, and Major Burns, you're getting a new tent mate!" Radar said.
"No kidding, who is he?" Hawkeye asked.
"Captain Duke Forrest." Radar said.
"Maybe he'll be a sane person." Frank said. "Unlike you two scum."
"I somehow doubt that." Trapper said.
"Anyway, I'm going to pick him up now." Radar said.
"I'll go with you. I want to meet this guy first." Hawkeye said.
Hawkeye and Radar pulled up to the 121st Evac and Hawkeye hopped out of the jeep. He looked around and saw a man with bags in his arms. He walked up to him.
"Captain Forrest?" Hawkeye asked.
"Just call me Duke," the man said in a southern drawl.
"You can call me Hawkeye, I'm from the 4077th."
"Oh good. They told me they'd send a driver." Duke said.
"Yeah, he's over there." Hawkeye said as they started walking to the jeep. "Duke Forrest, Corporal Radar O'Reilly."
"Nice to meet you, sir." Radar said.
"Nice to meet you too, Radar." Duke said. "Let's get to the camp, I'm mighty tired."
"Hear that Radar? To The Swamp!" Hawkeye shouted. Duke and Hawkeye climbed in the jeep and they started to drive off.
"So, where are you from, Duke?" Hawkeye asked.
"Forrest City, Georgia." Duke Forrest said. "You?"
"Crabapple Cove, Maine." Hawkeye said.
"How about you, uh... Radar was it?" Duke asked.
"Ottumwa, Iowa, sir." Radar replied.
"Two Yankees..." Duke said. "This is going to be fun..."
The jeep drove onto the 4077th M*A*S*H site and Radar stopped it in front of Colonel Blake's office. Colonel Blake stepped out of the office and walked up to the jeep.
"Captain Forrest?" Henry asked. "I'm Colonel Henry Blake."
"Just call me Duke, Colonel." Duke said.
"Duke it is." Henry said. "I'm looking forward to working with you."
"Thanks, Colonel." Duke said.
"Hawkeye, show him to the Swamp. And Radar, get his bags." Henry said after Radar picked up the bags out of the jeep.
"Gladly." Hawkeye said.
They walked into The Swamp and Trapper sat up on the bed. Radar dropped the bag next to the spare cot and Duke sat down.
"Duke, I presume?" Trapper asked.
"You presume right, Yankee." Duke said. "Say, is that a still over there?"
"Pride and joy of the swamp." Trapper said.
The door opened and Frank and Margaret walked in.
"Captain Forrest, I'm Major Burns and this is Major Houlihan." Frank said.
"But you can call them Ferret Face and Hot Lips." Hawkeye said.
"Quiet, Pierce!" Frank said.
"Hot Lips, eh?" Duke asked. "How bout you tell me how you got that nickname, say after dinner in your tent?"
"Why you! I'm a Major and you'll treat me as such!" Margaret huffed and stormed out, with Frank following her.
"Major tease, that's what she is." Duke laughed and Hawkeye and Trapper laughed along.
Later, in the O.R., the doctors and nurses were operating on patients. Father Mulcahy was giving last rites to a soldier who didn't make it in the corner.
"Nurse, let me have a long needle holder." Trapper said.
"Hey, Father! Father, I want you over here to hold this clamp." Duke said.
"I'm a little busy right now." Father Mulcahy said, motioning to the dead soldier.
"Now! Please, come on, now!" Duke shouted.
"Fine..." Father Mulcahy said, walking to the table Duke was operating at.
"I'm sorry, Father, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Father?" Duke said.
"Sure..." Father Mulcahy sighed.
Father Mulcahy, Margaret and Frank Burns stood in Colonel Blake's office as Colonel Blake sighed.
"What's the problem again?" Henry asked.
"It's that new surgeon, Captain Forrest!" Father Mulcahy said. "He's a menace!"
"Couldn't have put it better myself, Father!" Frank said.
"What has he really done?" Henry asked.
"He's ruined my services by complaining that I'm not a Protestant preacher!" Father Mulcahy said.
"He's just pointing out his faith..." Henry said.
"And he's made passes at all my nurses! Even the married ones!" Margaret said.
"Come on, Major. Even Hawkeye and Trapper do that." Henry said.
"And the pranks have escalated! He stole my underwear and hung my picture of my wife on the flagpole!" Frank said. "And that's just today!"
"Well, I understand your complaints, but we'd be short staffed without him, and surgery has been going faster and better with him around!" Henry said.
"If you don't do something, I'll go over your head!" Margaret said.
"I've told you before, you've gone over my head so many times that I have bootmarks on my forehead." Henry said. "Unless he proves to be a threat, he's not getting transferred!"
The three of them walked out of the office and frowned.
"What do we do now?" Frank asked. "Anything to suggest, Father?"
"Prayer." Father Mulcahy said, passing his bible to Frank. "Because we haven't got one..."
The End.