Logic, Angst, Crying, Abs: Who Are The Pevensies? Chapter 2: Random Crossover, Anyone?, a chronicles of narnia fanfic

a/n: I decided I would write a new chapter as I watched men's beach volleyball of the Olympics, because I was waiting for Ryan Lochte or Michael Phelps or something along those lines, so this is going to be slightly unfocused and remarkably random

Yeah, like the other one was SOOOOO organized…

Anyway, thank you very mucholy to Monkey, for the suggestions and compliments and for the Tumnus thing, I was totally out of it when I was writing the story and I've always seen "Tumnus" with an "A" so I think I just had a momentary lapse of brain mass.

For all the other reviews, I appreciate it SO much. Although this was my first ever Narnia fanfic, this was the most reviews I think I'd ever gotten on a single chapter, including Harry Potter fanfics. It's my life goal to be a best-selling author, so knowing people enjoy my stories makes my day.

So I'm gonna stop blabbering and start the epic list of disclaimers! Yay!

I do NAHT own: Love Guru, Narnian anything, Nastia Liukin, the Olympics, any of the dances outlined in the dance off, Carlisle Cullen (oh how I wish I did), the Joker (I am so happy I don't - I hate clowns and anything like them), and anything else you recognize? NAHT MINE! Emo comments are mine, however, because I make them up all the time to amuse my mom. She finds them hilarious for some reason.

Note: As I am positively terrified of clowns, I have not seen Dark Knight, so the details of the Joker are exaggerated and twisted so I won't make a fool of myself trying to make up things that MAY be in the movie.

Lucy smacked herself in the face with an angry mermaid for the 857,457th time in the last hour.

"Edmund, for Aslan's sake, quit playing that idiotic instrument!" she yelled in exasperation.

"It is a sitar. Shut up. You are too young to understand!" and he continued strumming pointlessly without any harmony, melody, chords, anything. He didn't know any songs of any kind and had no idea how to play the sitar, guitar, or anything else that ends with "tar", as he was not musical unless it was "listening to his heartstrings be plucked by the pain of life" as he would have put it during his emo phase.

But right now he is in his love guru stage so he's now attempting to pluck at the happy heartstrings of others with his not-music (not working by the way).

He began to sing. This was a bad experience for everyone in Narnia.

"AHHHHH!" screamed the little centaurs in torment.

"AHHHH!" screamed the little dwarves in anguish.

"AHHHHH!" screamed the little dragons in agony.

"CHEESE CURLS!" screamed the little mice in delight that the picnic their mother made for them included their favorite snack.

Edmund, as he had earplugs in (to get into the "Liukin" zone like Nastia Liukin does, as he put it, but this makes no sense as he is not a super intense Olympic champion, therefore needs no zone to get into, and also he is badly playing sitar, not owning at gymnastics) could not hear any of these pained screams of terror (or delighted screams of cheesitude) and mistakenly took Lucy's agony-stricken expression as a look of emotion drawn from the depths of her soul by his (pathetic excuse for) music.

Edmund continued to play, and then out of nowhere began to twitch.

Lucy sat up in horror. "PETER! MOTHE-SUSAN! GET DOWN HERE! THE PSYCHO KID IS TWITCHING!"

Peter galloped gallantly down the gargantuan stairs and grinned like a goofball at his younger sister, Lucy, who slapped the Authoress for the pointless string of alliterations.

"OW!" shouted the authoress. "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

The Authoress wrote in that Lucy had early had her head shaved in a freak cheese grater accident, so that now Lucy was a bald 8-year-old queen.

"Haha!" laughed the Authoress, although that was redundant because of the "haha" that she typed about 13 seconds ago.

Peter, continuing his gallant galloping (picture authoress wincing to avoid another slap) down the stairs and landed like James Marsden in Enchanted. "HELLOOOOOOO Young SISTER! What art thou screaming about?! And why are you bald as an oyster?"

"Never mind that! Look at Edmund!" he turned to the youngest Pevensie male, who, throughout all this randomosity, was still twitching.

"HARK! HE IS TWITCHING!" shouted Peter.

Lucy, again, rolled her eyes. "Nice one, Captain Obvious."

During this little extravaganza, Susan was delicately placing each foot on each stair as she descended, trying not to break any nails, injure her poor li'le toes, or make her hands turn blue again, as they are always cold even in 100 degrees of heat.

"Hello, my siblings, what is this rumpus that I am hearing?"

"Edmund's twitching again."

"That's highly unfortunate. Shall we call the physician?"

Lucy sighed. "Aw, do I have to?"

Peter smiled an uncharacteristically evil and unkingly smile. "Yes. Yes you do."

"WE DIDN'T PLAY NOSE GOES!" shouted Lucy, and proceeded to shout, "NOT IT!", shoved her finger on her nose nearly breaking it, and threw herself to the ground. We're all nearly sure she broke something.

Peter looked around in a James Bond-ish way, ripped off his shirt in a very characteristic WillMo way, showing off his abs, and began to do one armed pushups with his left hand pinky on his nose.

Susan, as she is a pansy ass who is so obnoxiously dainty, lost nose goes, and it was then that she realized that she had to call the doctor.

Dun.

DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

She looked up at the authoress. "I don't see why you're doing the whole dramatic music, as - "

At this, a random piece of duct tape covering her mouth. It was inexplicable. Unless you are the authoress, in that case it is because she was about to reveal a secret that Miss Authoress was keeping quiet.

She angrily mumbled her way out the door and began mumbling not angrily.

After a while, it began that she was mumbling confusedly. She looked at Lucy.

"Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm!"

Lucy didn't not understand this as "Please take this damn duct tape off me, you moron!"

Instead, she heard "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada, and she began to dance to it.

"Yes, lets dance!" shouted Peter (still shirtless, girls, you're lucky) and he began to boogie like it was 1979. Being Peter, he believed he was Captain Cool, or General Groovemeister, or Colonel Crazycat, Officer Off-the-heezy, and all other moronic alliterations, so he was doing pelvic thrusts, the twist, the bump, the hustle, the freak, a creative interpretation of Ice Ice Baby, the Macarena, Cotton-Eyed Joe and a lovely version of "STOP! Hammer time!" Needless to say, it was hilarious to watch, and then it got to the point where you were embarrassed to be watching it.

Kinda like when you're watching The Saddle Club.

Which the Authoress totally did NOT spend an hour watching today.

Susan, at this point, was pissed past the point of prissyness (snicker alliterations snicker), and stomped her feet, waved her arms and kicked the air.

"I'm liking that move Susan!" shouted Peter, still shirtlessly dancing to no music, as Susan was not trying to say anything anymore. He imitated her.

Lucy stood by, laughing, as she had stopped dancing to surrender to the merciless, body shaking, lung bursting shrieks of laughter.

Susan took a deep breath and ripped the duct tape furiously off her mouth. It was bright red. "STOP!"

Peter and Lucy did.

"I was NOT singing a song where the singer had not been born yet! I was saying, "please get this damn duct tape off me you moron!"

Lucy pondered this like a pondering thing. "Ah, I see where I made that mistake."

Rolling her eyes, Susan called, "OOOOOH DOCTOR!"

In case you care, Edmund is still twitching, and Peter is still shirtless.

Out of nowhere, responding to Susan's call, Carlisle Cullen appeared majestically out of nowhere. "Hello, friends. Where is the trouble?"

"Right over there, sir, we called the best doctor around!"

He stared in all his sparkly vampire glory. "But…I'm not even in your universe, let alone 'around'. Why'd you call me?" His face of perfection stared Peter's shirtlessness down. "You can't keep up with this." Carlisle smiled, his teeth glittering vampirically.

"I believe the term is," said Peter, "U CAN'T TOUCH THIS!" The music began playing out of nowhere. The two hot people began to set up a dance off, when Susan and Lucy slapped both people at once, made them stop dancing.

"STOP IT!" yelled Lucy, "This isn't going to help Edmund!"

"Lucy's right," said Peter gallantly.

"Okay. So what do we do to help my twitching brother?" asked Susan.

Carlisle thought for a moment. "Ahh so that's why you called me. To help your brother. Wait," he paused, "I've read these books. So why didn't you just use Lucy's cordial?"

The Pevensies who were not named Edmund looked at each other. "Why didn't we think of that?"

"I don't know, Susan," said Peter, "We should probably try that." They walked over to Edmund.

Or should I say…Where Edmund WAS.

They hear a maniacal laugh from above. Carlisle, Susan, Peter and Lucy all look up, horrified.

Edmund smiled with white and red makeup all over his face. "Why so serious?"

Lucy screamed. "I WANT MOMMY!!"

Peter turned to Lucy. "Susan's right here."

"NO YOU DUMMY, I WANT REAL MOMMY!" Lucy began to sob. "I want my mommy! Edmund, you're scaring me!" and with that, Lucy sprinted frantically up to her room.

Peter was putting on his shirt at this point (sorry girls), as he did not want any uncomfortable cat fights between him and his brother to end in his abs being defiled.

"Edmund get your ass down from there!" shouted Mr. Beaver, who inexplicably arrived out of nowhere..

Of course, Edmund gunned him down with his Joker face paint.

"What is your problem, Edmund? Mr. Beaver never did anything bad to you!"

"HE CALLED ME PALE!"

Crickets chirped.

Dogs barked.

Cats meowed.

Michael Phelps did his victory cry.

Lucy crept down the stairs with a bowl of popcorn.

And still, no other humans in Narnia were moving.

"Er. Edmund?"

"Do I get a phone call?"

"This is Narnia, oh short brother of mine, no phones. But you are covered in white face paint. Making you paler."

Edmund scoffed. "OH YOU'D TALK ABOUT PALE, Mr. I'm-the-only-Pevensie-who-has-a-normal-skintone. And you slapped my legs when I had a sunburn!"

Peter looked offended. "I may not be pasty - "

"HEY!" shouted Lucy and Susan.

"Sorry, girls. Anyway, I may not be abnormally pale, but at least I'm not written as the black sheep of the family! And also, you're the only one with brown eyes! We all have blue!"

They all looked at one another and realized Peter was right.

Edmund looked appalled. "I may be the black sheep, but that's what makes me endearing! I grow to be the most developed character of the whole series! And my brown eyes are hot! Authoress even says so!"

All those in Narnia looked up to the Authoress. She shrugged. "What? It's true!"

"BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE HOT ONE!" shouted Peter, momentarily distracted from his scary brother.

The Authoress sighed. "Sorry, but I kinda like the tall, dark and handsome bit more than the typical blonde. I have backup on this one, sorry guys."

Edmund/Joker snickered. "Haha. I've got a fan other than Tilda Swinton!"

Edmund started twitching again.

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Oh dear JESUS, not again!"

"A-men to that one, sister," said Peter, completely ignoring the fact that Edmund had just fallen - still twitching - off the chandelier he had been perched on, right on top of both Carlisle and the face cream covered Mr. Beaver, who both screamed and struggled to remove themselves from the uncomfortable situation.

"YOU GUYS ARE SCARY! I'M GOING HOME!" yelled Carlisle.

"Funny," pondered Lucy, "that it's coming from a vampire."

Edmund, still twitching, said, "C-C-C-C-C-CORDIAL!"

Lucy came over to him. "What's wrong?"

"I THINK I BROKEN SOME'N!"

"Oh-kay!" Lucy dripped some of the cordial into Edmund's mouth. He stopped twitching.

"Hmmm, it seems to cure mental problems as well! I feel non stupid now!"

Lucy embraced her newly unstupified brother, and the two searched for Susan and Peter. The two heard awkward noises from upstairs and chopping noises from the kitchen.

They decided it would be less scarring to investigate the chopping.

They walked in to find Mr. Tumnus and Susan chopping up carrots, which they assumed were for dinner.

"Carrots for dinner?" asked Edmund.

"No. We're using them for spears in tomorrow's jousting match."

"REALLY?!" shouted Edmund and Lucy.

"NO YOU MORONS!" shouted Susan. "Jeeze, I thought you said the cordial made you not stupid."

The two youngest frowned and stormed out of the room and found themselves upstairs.

The awkward noises were continuing.