Chapter 8

Mourning Love

"Sarah! What happened!" yelled Natalie.

As I yelled out the contents of my vision, I felt myself going into hysterics. I couldn't control anything.

"Sarah, Sarah honey, come back…come back to us." Natalie was shaking me. The guys just stood there, unsure of what on earth was going on. "Sarah! It wasn't you. Sarah, listen to me. It WASN'T YOU! You were in someone else's mind and body. IT WASN'T YOU! Listen to me, come on…snap out of it…come back to us." Throughout it all I was hyperventilating and saying things like "I killed them. I can't … I KILLED THEM ALL! I'm a MONSTER! PLEASE, JUST KILL ME! DON'T LET ME DO IT!" I could barely even hear Natalie's pleas for me to come back. All I could think of was what I had done. I felt reality grow dimmer and dimmer as I sank into despair and shock and sadness. Suddenly, a sharp pain filled my face, and a small part of me knew what had happened.

Someone had slapped me.

My sobs lessened and I stopped shouting and pleading for my own death. But soon I started going back.

They slapped me again.

I saw Natalie's face clear as day, stained with tears of worry and a desperate expression on her face.

I was slapped a third time.

This time I saw my attacker and wasn't surprised to see Hiei's hand retreating from my face. As I looked up at him (I was still sitting on the ground) I saw something I never thought I'd see on his face.

Concern.

It was immediately replaced by his usual hard expression. That brought me back all the way, and I saw everyone's faces: Yusuke – purely shocked, Kuwabara – shocked and confused, Kurama – concern and worry, Yukina – frightened and worried, Natalie – fearful, sad, desperate, and worried-

And Hiei – concerned and hard. His usually glaring eyes widened in shock. His hand poised to strike me again. But one look at my face now and they all knew.

I was back.

Then, I immediately recalled my vision. "I need to see Koenma NOW! I've GOT to get back to my world before-"

"I'm afraid it won't help," came a horribly familiar voice as the baby Koenma popped into the air above us. "I'm afraid that I bear some terrible news, Sarah."

I was too late. I hadn't seen the future, but the present. As realization sunk into me, I didn't even hear Koenma as he told me what I already knew, and Botan came soaring down on her oar. I felt all feeling flee from my body; all emotion was gone. My family was gone.

Forever.

No matter when I got back to my world – if ever – I would have nothing to go back to.

Nothing.

Some part of my consciousness took in the comforting embraces of Natalie and Kurama. The consoling looks from Yusuke, Kuwabara, Yukina, Botan, and Koenma. But the one thing that I noticed – that I fully noticed with all of my being – was the look of knowing from Hiei. He knew the pain that was being suppressed inside me right now. The feeling of nothingness that the shock of reality had brought upon me at this moment.

I felt myself rise to my feet and walk away into the woods, leaving behind all the sad faces, all the pain, and all hope. I felt as though I had nothing. Nothing to look back on, nothing to look forward to. My legs carried me to the edge of that same little stream, but nothing seemed peaceful about it now. I felt as though nothing would ever happen again. Nothing good, nothing bad. Neither meaningless nor of great consequence. There was only that hidden pain raging calmly inside me at that moment.

And then it came.

The barrier protecting me from the horrible pain of losing everything gave way, and my knees broke out from under me. I fell as the uncontrollable sobs came. I roared at the heavens and beat the earth beneath and around me, punishing it and myself, hoping to replace this emotional pain with another pain. Anything to get rid of the tumultuous waves, crashing into every corner of my mind and heart. I cried and sobbed, ripped and tore, screamed and roared. It felt like it went on for hours, days even. All I wanted was to release everything being held inside me so that I could live and forget. No pain of dying that I had felt before was fit to stand next to this torture. It was…

Unbearable. More so than anything I had ever felt summed up together.

It took countless eternities for my sobs to ease, and then it was only because I had no more tears to cry. The pain still racked inside of me and nothing could heal it. Soon, I was retaken by that overwhelming feeling of empty space. Nothingness surrounded me once more as my contorted face melted into one of no emotion. I simply sat there, staring at the water, and realized that the sun was going down. I had cried the afternoon away, and now I was dry. Both in eye and in emotion. I sat watching the sunset, and then realized that I had to go inside and face the team now. So I crawled over to the stream itself and splashed away the tear stains and the new blood streaks from where I had beaten the earth, cringing slightly at the sting.

As I walked back to the temple door, I prepared myself for their comments. I walked through the door to find everyone, including Koenma and Botan, in the large room connected to the kitchen. They were silent as I entered the room, and all eyes turned to me. All was silent and still for a moment, then Natalie came up and embraced me, followed by Kurama, and then Botan and Yukina. Yusuke and Kuwabara came up and each put a hand on my shoulder. I'd had enough.

"Please, stop," I said, pushing them off of me gently. "I don't like this kind of thing. I just wanted to ask if it was okay if I slept outside tonight. I really like that little stream just outside." Kurama turned to Hiei and nodded to me. "Thank you." I looked back at them. "Hey, guys?" They looked up. "Get some sleep," I gave a small smile. "I'll be fine, really. I just need a good night's sleep. So…good night."

"Good night." Everyone reflected my small smile. I realized that their faces also mirrored my own sadness. I needed to get out of here. I couldn't take any more pain and I wasn't about to start crying again (not that I could). I left the room and walked back out the door. As I walked along the stream in the shallow part of the water, I did the one thing I could think of to do to ease the pain, the feeling of nothingness.

I sang.

As I finished the song, I was amazed to feel my face wet. I had been so sure that I was done crying, but singing released all of those emotions, all the tension, all of … everything.

And it felt so good.

Singing always seemed to have this effect on me. I always felt at peace when singing out in the open. So I started another song.

And so I kept singing, song after song, until finally I drifted off to sleep.

…Burning, metal falling, crashing, explosions, screaming, running, jumping out of windows, panic, pain, death, HELP!...

I sat up gasping to find Hiei's face in front of mine.

"What were you dreaming about, onna?"

"Huh?"

"You were twitching and gasping and rolling over like a sick dog."

"Gee, thanks. And I was just dreaming about one of my past visions." Seeing that Hiei wasn't satisfied, I continued. "It was the first one I ever got. Have you ever heard of the September 11th attack?" He shook his head 'no.' "Well, in North America, about 5 years ago-

(Switching to normal POV, but it's Hiei's POV in 3rd person)

As he listened to the girl speak of the September 11th attack on something called the World Trade Center, his hate for the filthy ningens deepened. Those creatures were despicable, killing off their own kind for no apparent reason. He realized that demons were the same way, but…they were demons…so…that made everything different…right?

His focused shifted back to the onna as she finished retelling the tragic event. "I wasn't sure what to think when I saw it. That had been the first time that anything weird like that happened. I was home sick the next day. Repercussions, I guess. And then, I was watching the news and…it happened…just like I'd seen it. And when the second plane hit I…I threw up. I remembered everything that had happened in my dream and I knew exactly what those people were feeling as they…as they died. Hardly any of them were thinking of themselves. They were all thinking about what they were leaving behind, from a garden to a pregnant wife or dying husband or child." She looked up at him. "Oh, Gah. I'm sorry, Hiei. I'm practically spilling my guts to you and you probably don't give a care. Just…I'm sorry." He could tell that she was going to cry again, and…he found that he didn't want that.

"No," he said sternly. "I know what it feels like to see such things."

"I know."

"No, onna, you don't."

"Actually, I do. You're forgetting that I know everything about you. Including everything you've been through."

This caught him off guard. But she couldn't possibly know everything. She wouldn't dare even look at him. Much less speak to him.

"Tell me." He had to know how much she knew.

She took a deep breath and began. "Okay, we'll start with your birth. When you were born a male, the Ice Maidens decreed that you would one day rise and destroy them all. So they forced a friend of your mother's to throw you off of a cliff. She didn't want to, and your mother had to be held back. The women who threw you over only did so after giving you a small necklace with one of your mother's tear gems on it and asking that when you returned, that you would kill her first. Somehow, you survived, and were found floating in a river by a group of thieves. They only kept you because of the valuable tear gem that you would not give up, even as a baby. As they raised you, you developed a blood lust, and found that other demons would attack you because they wanted the gem. So, you decided to wear it in the open, to give you more chances to kill people.

"This continued until one day, none of the thieves trusted you anymore, because they believed that you would kill them too. So you decided to go off on your own. Other demons continued to try and steal away your necklace, and one day, one of them succeeded in cutting it off of your neck and it fell into a river. You then realized just how much you cared about it, and went to a man with many piercings and a unique sword technique.

"He's the one who gave you your Jagan Eye.

"You wanted it to help you look for your necklace. But first you paid a visit to the now visible Ice Maidens, with every intention to kill. Once you got there, however, you saw that it was like it was ice running through their veins instead of blood, and you no longer wanted to kill…because they were already dead. After that, you found out about your sister.

"Yukina was the next person you used your Jagan to look for, but then you teamed up with Goki and Kurama in the meantime. And I've already said the rest. You're still dealing with that same bloodlust and absolute disgust and hate of humans." He stared at her for several moments, unable to move or run like he wanted to. She really did know everything about him. But…

"I know what you're thinking," she continued. "You're wondering why I'm not running, right?" He said nothing. "I'm not afraid of you because there's nothing to be afraid of. The only people that scare me are those who are heartless, cold-blooded murderers. You think of yourself as a heartless monster. Hiei Jaganshi, you may see a lot of things, but you can't even see into your own heart. Even through all of that, you were still able to do the one thing that most demons can't find it in themselves to do.

"Love."

"You loved that necklace. You love your sister. And whether you accept it or not, you love every member of your team. You love Kurama as a best friend, something you never dreamed of having. He's given you more than anyone else ever has. You love Yusuke as a friend and a powerful leader. He trusted you whole-heartedly at the Gate of Betrayal without hesitation, even though he'd just fought you when you tried to kill him and make his girlfriend a demon. And in some…unfathomable…freakish…unbelievably strange way…you love Kuwabara for his strength and loyalty, even if you hate him for his stupidity.

"Face it, Hiei. Your heart is just as big as all of the others', if not bigger for being able to love after all that you've been through. You've always thought that you were alone in the world, but the truth is, you will never be alone. Because you have friends. Better yet, you have a family. And you just made two more friends. Me and Natalie.

"You might not consider us friends, but I always will. Friendship is willing to do anything for your friend, as does family. And I would willingly die for you or any of the others, Hiei. And I know that Natalie would, too. You have more friends than you know. And unlike those thieves or anyone else that you've lost, this friend-" she pointed to herself "-is here to stay. We love you, Hiei, because you're strong, faithful, just, and caring. And I don't need a Jagan to see that."

Hiei just stood there, not moving and not sure if he even wanted to anymore. What she had just said…no one had ever…treated him so…he didn't even know the right way to put it in his thoughts. She said everything with such meaning that he knew that she wasn't just conning him like he wouldn't usually thought (plus, with all of the trauma lately, her block was down and he could easily see into her mind. What he saw made his heart stop.

She meant it.

Every word of it.

She thought of him not as a demon, a killer, a fighter, a teammate, or anything of the sort. She simply saw him for his heart. He could see the trust and sincerity in her blue-grey eyes (I don't think I ever mentioned her eye color before). And he felt his blood rushing as he looked at those ocean-colored orbs. His heartbeat quickened as he wondered what the heck this was. Whatever it was, he wasn't so sure that he liked it. He almost felt…

Vulnerable. And he definitely didn't like that feeling. If she would just stop looking at him, maybe he could get a chance to think! He noticed that she wanted him to say something. So he said the first rational thing he could think of.

"You seem to have recovered quickly."

At the immediate look of pain and sadness on her face, he wanted nothing more than to stuff those words back down his throat. Wait…why did he even care if he hurt Sarah's…um…the onna's feelings? His thoughts were interrupted by her next words, and he found that he was listening to her very closely. WHY?

"If I've learned anything from all I've been through, it's to mourn quickly and get it over with. Get back to my life and don't let depression take me. I live by these words: 'Life is too good to waste, even if most things in it aren't.'" She looked to her left and he followed her gaze to see the sun breaking through. She looked back at him and smiled. "Would you mind meditating with me?"

He shrugged and thought how he'd like to spend a bit more time with her. Wait…WHAT!? He was about to leave and think this whole thing over when she smiled again.

"Thanks." He was staying.

So they meditated, but Hiei couldn't focus on breathing. This is pathetic! I'm starting to act like a silly human. Unbelievable!

As the sun rose, they sat there. Sarah meditating and Hiei scolding himself for … whatever he was doing. And then, the sun was up, and Sarah stood up, saying something about her stomach growling. Hiei realized she hadn't eaten since that bag of chips and grape soda from yesterday at the mall.

"Then you should eat something." He found himself saying.

"Yeah. I'll probably just have a giant bowl of Special K."

"Hn." So he followed her back into the temple and prepared himself to face the Fox, who he knew had been listening the whole time.

Hn. Damn kitsune. Maybe if I ask him first, I'll avoid the whole thing.

He better not laugh!