It's nearly sunset before Jade comes back.
He'd started to worry, but hadn't wanted to show it to Artemis. To distract her—and himself—he'd made dinner—a big pot of chili that Artemis had helped him with.
Jade is wearing a Smallville High Letterman jacket with the name ROSS sewn onto it when she gets back. She looks at him challengingly as she sits down at the table. "Okay. This is pretty much a one horse town. The kids' idea of excitement here is watching planes take off from the county airport. There is a bank we could rob if we get bored enough though."
"We're not here to rob the bank." He wants to ask her about the jacket—wants to ask her what's going on in her head right now—but he can't find the words. "Have something to eat."
"It's chili! I helped!" Artemis is practically bouncing up and down as she grabs a bowl and pours a serving out for her big sister.
"You did, did you?" Jade's voice is soft. She doesn't look at Artemis. "Did you have a good time, kiddo?"
"Oh yes. And I spent the day playing with Mr. Kent's dog, Skip! He's such a smart dog! He seems to understand everything I say! And he really seemed to like me!"
"Well isn't that just great?" She glances over at her father and he doesn't like the look in her eyes. "And of course he loves you 'cause everyone loves Artemis."
"Jade?" Her words sting him for some reason he can't quite understand—he doesn't want to understand them. His instincts, honed by decades of battle, tell him that something is going on with his oldest. Something dangerous. And he doesn't know how to ask…
He doesn't deserve to ask.
They eat in silence.
When it's over, Artemis pesters Jade with questions about how she's spent her day, where she got the jacket, and if she'll take her out to see the town tomorrow. She's talking a lot, trying to fill in the silence between her father and sister.
Jade gives her one word replies when she replies at all. Finally, she glances at the clock and said, "Turn the TV on, kiddo. It's time for the show."
"The show?" Artemis's face lights up with the biggest smile that he's seen on it since he came home without her mother. "You mean we can watch it tonight? You'll watch it with me?"
"Yes, kiddo," and Jade gives her a slight smile. "I'll watch it with you."
It's some cartoon show from the 1980s that's playing on Cartoon network called Captain Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew and it's the most absurd thing he's ever seen. (A super hero rabbit that gets his powers from carrots? Really?) If his daughters had to watch a show about a rabbit, why couldn't it be Bugs Bunny …?
But after a moment, he stops watching it entirely because he finds himself watching his daughters. Watching his girls.
Artemis is snuggled up against her big sister, and Jade has her arms around her, and it's like they're the only two people in the world. Artemis occasionally says a word or two about how many times they've seen this show, what they were doing the last time they saw this particular episode, how silly Dr. Hoot is and how Frogzilla is her favorite villain ever …
And Jade is watching her. Her arms are around her little sister and she holds her as though she will keep her safe against anything that the world might throw at her. It's the closest thing to a tender moment he's seen from Jade in years …
And it hurts.
It huts because it's something that he can never share with them. A bond that he will never have. A closeness forged from having years where they could only depend on each other …
And it hurts because he knows that his failure as a parent is the reason they have had only each other to count on.
Artemis finally falls asleep in Jade's arms.
"I'll take her," he offers to his oldest.
"No. I'll do it. I've tucked her in more times than you and mother combined." The words are spoken in a whisper, but he still flinches as though she's unexpectedly shouted at him.
Artemis stirs fitfully.
"It's okay, kiddo. Just keep on dreaming about Rodney and Felina. Everything will be fine in the morning." As strong as Jade is, it's no easy thing for her to get up and carry her sister, but she glares at him every time he silently offers to help.
He watches Jade put Artemis into bed, pull the blankets up, and give her little sister a kiss on the forehead.
Jade is nearly as quiet as her mother as she leaves her sister's bedroom. She doesn't look at him; it's as though he doesn't exist to her. She looks around the small kitchen and then opens the door and goes outside.
He follows her out and they stand silently together and look up at the night sky.
"So many stars," she murmurs.
"Yeah."
"We have night in Gotham, but we never have the stars."
"No. No stars there." He's silent for a moment, trying desperately to find something to say to his oldest, to find some way to reach out to her. "You remember when your mother and I took you out into the mountains to learn how to read the stars to find your way in the dark? You weren't any older than Artemis …"
"No. And Mother slapped me every time I got something wrong. And you let her."
He flinches again, his cheeks hot with shame. "It was important; Jade … We wanted you to be able to take care of yourself …"
The words sound small, childish, even petty, but they're all he has.
"At eight. You wanted a self-sufficient eight year old."
"Jade …"
"Why wasn't I good enough, Daddy dearest?"
"Jade?"
"It's always been Artemis for you. When you'd get back from a mission, the first thing you'd do is see how she was doing. I'd watch you sneak into our room and check on her as she slept. You spent more time training her than you ever did me. And now … now when you're trying to do God knows what… reform? You're trying to be super dad … doting on her. Trying to take her away from me …
"I've always taken care of Artemis, Daddy. When you and Mother were gone for days at a time, who do you think fed her? Cleaned her clothes? Kept her safe in the crappy apartments we lived in? I was more of a parent to her than you and Mother ever were—more than you ever were to me."
Jade sobs softly.
He can barely hear it, but it's there. He hears it, and his heart breaks a bit more …
"Why wasn't I good enough, Daddy? Why didn't you check on me? Why didn't you take care of me? Why wasn't I good enough for you to be like this when I was younger—when I needed you to be like this? Why don't you love me as much as you love Artemis?"
And she runs into the house.
He falls.
His legs literally fail to support him.
"You bastard," he whispers to himself.
He hits himself. Hard. Harder than even Batman has ever hit him.
It hurts, but he deserves the pain.
"You stupid bastard," he beats his fists against the ground. "You're him. You turned into him. I became him. I turned into Dad."
He forces himself to get to his feet and stumbles to the door. His heart literally hurts from what he's feeling. He never imagined that feelings could cause so much pain until he lost Paula … and this pain seems even worse because he knows that he deserves it.
He goes into Jade's room. She's lying on her bed, covered by her blankets, her back turned to him.
"I did check on you, Jade. Every time I got back, I checked on you. You were so much harder to sneak up on than Artemis I had to give it more time. But I always made sure you were safe before I went to bed. And when you were born … when you were born, I tried to go straight. Paula said it wouldn't work, but she let me try … and then … and then I screwed up. I hit you, Jade. I hurt you. I swore I would never do that. I swore I would never be like my father. And I knew that I had to make sure that no one could ever hurt you again. Not even me …
"I do love you just as much as I love Artemis, Jade. No one will ever take your place. You'll always be my little girl …"
Jade does not move. Does not react. Something about that silence, that lack of motion …
He goes over and pulls the sheets back …
Jade isn't there. It's just a combination of pillows and blanket and clothing cunningly placed to resemble a rough human body.
Jade isn't there, but there's a note.
He turns on the light and reads the note; his heart pounding like someone's taking a sledgehammer to his chest.
Daddy Dearest,
By the time you read this I'll be gone. I called the League of Shadows this afternoon and made a deal. They'll leave you and Artemis alone so long as I join them now. Tell Artemis that it's for the best. She still has a chance. You and I both know that I don't. It's too late for me … but not for her.
Don't screw this up.
Jade.