A/N: A big thank you to all of the Creampuffs who have read and commented on this, as well as those who aren't well-acquainted to the Carmilla series but are reading this in pure curiosity from my One Step Left fic. Though I've been doing lots of short posts here, it's really helped me deal with my burn-out factor I was getting with OSL.
A/N #2: Flaws in 50SoG: 1: 'carabiners' isn't spelled with a k, you can find them at any sporting goods store. 2: The whole "Here, have more wine as we negotiate your boundaries and limits." ? NEVER Negotiate boundaries when imbibing alcohol. 3: The list of 'rules' was more like a Master/slave thing rather than a more friendly Dominant/submissive contract. (So I may have had one lying around on my computer...)
Red Room of Pain
The first thing I notice is the smell; leather, wood, polish with a faint citrus scent. If the door is locked, does she clean it herself? I shake off the thought as I realize that overall it smells pleasant in here, and the lighting is soft, subtle. With the exception of the torture equipment, I could see this as some sort of mediation room. The walls and ceiling are a deep, dark grey, giving a cave-like effect to the spacious room, though the floor is old varnished wood. There is a large wooden cross like an X fastened to the wall facing the door. It's made of high-polished mahogany, and there are restraining cuffs bolted to each corner. Above it is an expansive iron grid suspended from the ceiling, eight-foot square at least, and from it hang all manner of ropes, chains, and glinting shackles. At least she's organized her torture devices... By the door, two long, polished, ornately carved poles, like spindles from a banister but longer, hang like curtain rods across the wall. From them swing a startling assortment of paddles, whips, riding crops, and funny-looking feathery implements. Feathers? How are feathers painful? I wasn't certain I wanted to know.
Beside the door stands a substantial mahogany chest of drawers, each drawer slim as if designed to contain specimens in a crusty old museum. I wonder briefly what the drawers actually do hold. Do I want to know In the far corner is an oxblood leather padded bench, and fixed to the wall beside it is a wooden, polished rack that looks like a pool or billiard cue holder, but on closer inspection, it holds canes of varying lengths and widths. There's a stout six-foot-long table in the opposite corner - polished wood with intricately carved legs - and two matching stools underneath.
But what dominates the room is a bed. It's an ornately carved rococo four-poster king-size bed with a flat top. It looks late nineteenth century. Under the canopy, I can see more gleaming chains and cuffs. There is no bedding... just a mattress covered in red leather and red satin cushions piled at one end.
At the foot of the bed, set apart a few feet, is a large oxblood chaise lounge, just stuck in the middle of the room facing the bed. An odd arrangement... to have a couch facing the bed, and I smile to myself - I've picked on the couch as odd, when really it's the most mundane piece of furniture in the room. Well, there's no television in the room, so this must be the source of enter... Oh. I glance up and stare at the ceiling. There are carabiners all over the ceiling at odd intervals. I vaguely wonder what they're for. Weirdly, all the wood, dark walls, moody lighting, and oxblood leather makes the room kind of soft and romantic... I know it's anything but, this is Carmilla's version of soft and romantic.
I turn, and she's regarding me intently as I knew she would be, her expression completely unreadable. I walk further into the room, and she follows me. The feathery thing has me intrigued. I touch it hesitantly. It's suede, like a small cat-of-nine-tails but bushier, and there are very small plastic beads on the end.
"It's called a flogger," Carmilla's voice is quiet and soft. So that's what a flogger looks like in person. This doesn't look like it can cause much damage. I remind myself to do some research about this kind of stuff later.
It hits me that I'm actually looking at this room and it feels... different, but it's not scaring me off. What is the appropriate response to finding out a potential lover is a complete freaky sadist or masochist? Fear? That does seem to be the over-riding feeling. But I'm not afraid not of her - I don't think she'd hurt me, well, not without my consent.
Why- How - When - How often - Who? I walk toward the bed and run my hands down one of the intricately carved posts. The post is very sturdy, the craftsmanship outstanding. So not Ikea's Döminätriks Series.
"Say something," Carmilla commands, her voice deceptively soft.
"Um, do you do this to people or do they do it to you?"
Her mouth quirks up, either amused or relieved. "I dominate women who want me to."
I don't understand. "If you have willing volunteers, why am I here?"
"Because I want to do this with you, very much."
"Oh," I gasp. Why? I wander to the far corner of the room and pat the waist high padded bench and run my fingers over the leather and the large, imposing metal rings that I can only assume are for restraints. She likes to hurt women. The thought confuses and slightly depresses me.
"So you're a sadist?"
"I'm a Dominant." Her eyes are scorching and intense.
"What's the difference?" I whisper.
"To me, it means that I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things. It's not all about giving pain, but about the dynamic of letting go and trusting someone else." I frown at her as I try to assimilate this idea.
"Why would I do that?"
"To please me," she whispers as she cocks her head to one side, and I see a ghost of a smile. "I'm a Dominant because that's how I like to fuck. I enjoy being in charge, of having someone want me to be in charge, and I don't just mean some pillow princess who will lay back and let me do what I want."
Carmilla wants me to please her. I think my mouth drops open. Please Carmilla Karnstein. And I realize as my heart skips a beat, that yes, that's exactly what I want to do. I want her to be damned delighted with me. It's a revelation that has me at the edge of a cliff, and I have to willingly jump into this decision. I have to let go and trust her.
"In very simple terms, I want you to want to please me, because pleasing me will also please yourself." she says softly. Her voice is hypnotic. I nodded in understanding.
"How would I do that?" My mouth is dry, and I wish I had more wine. Wait, water. I should be completely sober for this.
Okay, I think I understand the pleasing bit, but I am puzzled by how this warm boudoir-torture room will please anyone. Do I want to know the answer?
"I have certain rules, and I want you to comply with them. They are for your benefit and for our mutual pleasure. Follow these rules to my satisfaction, and I'll reward you. If you don't, I will correct you, and you will learn," she whispers. I glance at the rack of canes as she says this.
"And where does all this fit in?" I wave my hand in the general direction of the room.
"It's all part of the incentive package. Both reward and punishment."
I frowned at that. "So you'll get your kicks by exerting your will over me."
"It's about gaining your trust and your respect, so you'll want me to exert my will over you. Yes, I will gain a great deal of pleasure and joy in your submission. It's a very simple equation." I get that.
"Okay, and what do I get out of this?"
"I think what you're missing is that the people who do this don't feel exploited. The submissive enjoys the ability to escape from the day-to-day crap when they are kneeling at the feet of their Dominant; of not having to worry about bills, or work, or stress as they are blindfolded. Yes, there is pain when I use a paddle, but it's not a serious injury because the spankings are designed to release more endorphins than are needed, causing a natural chemical high from what we do together. But that's separate from the the pleasure you would get out of pleasing someone else and them calling you a good girl."
Oh my. Carmilla's voice made 'good girl' run shivers down my spine and warmth pool into my clenching nethers. She rakes her hand through her hair as she gazes at me.
"You're not saying anything, Laura," she murmurs, exasperated. "Let's go back downstairs where I can concentrate better. It's... very distracting having you in here because all I want to do is tear your clothes off."
She holds her hand out to me, and now I'm hesitant to take it. Betty had said she was dangerous, and it looks like she might be right. How did she know? She's dangerous because I know I'm going to say yes. And part of me doesn't want to. Part of me wants to run screaming from this room and all it represents. I am so out of my depth here.
"I'm not going to hurt you, Laura." Her dark eyes implore, and I know she speaks the truth. I take her hand, and she leads me out of the door and down the corridor in a different direction.
"If you do this, let me show you something." We pass several doors until we reach the one at the end. Beyond it is a bedroom with a large double bed, all in white... everything, furniture, walls, bedding. It's sterile and cold but with the most glorious view of Seattle through the glass wall. It needs a splash of color.
"This will be your room. You can decorate it how you like, have whateveryou like in here." My eyes widened in shock.
"My room?! You're just expecting me to move in?" I can't hide the horror in my voice.
"God no! I just... in case you felt like you needed a room to yourself, this would be yours. And if you want to spend the night, you can sleep here." she says, her voice quiet and hesitant.
"I'll sleep here?"
"Yes." She said matter-of-factly.
"Not with you." I kind of thought that a post-sex snuggle would turn into falling asleep in her arms. I want to fall asleep in her arms.
This time it was her turn to be shocked. "No. I told you, I don't sleep with anyone." Her eyes are reprimanding.
My mouth presses in a hard line. This is what I cannot reconcile. Kind, caring Carmilla, who wants to end world hunger and donates her time to a big cat sanctuary, and the monster who possesses whips and chains in a sexy dungeon.
"Well, where do you sleep?"
"My room is downstairs." She shrugged off-handedly. "Come, you must be hungry." That was a change in conversation.
"I seem to have lost my appetite," I murmur petulantly.
"You must eat, Laura. Come down." she admonishes and, taking my hand, leads me back downstairs.
Back in the impossibly big room, I am filled with deep trepidation. I realize again that I am on the edge of a precipice, and I have to decide whether or not to jump.
"Laura, I'm fully aware that this is a dark path I'm leading you down, which is why I really want you to think about this. You must have some questions," she says as she wanders into the kitchen area, releasing my hand.
I do. But where to start?
"You've signed your NDA, you can ask me anything you want, and I'll answer."
I stand at the breakfast bar watching her as she opens the refrigerator and pulls out a plate of different cheeses with two large bunches of green and red grapes. She sets the plate down on the worktop and proceeds to cut up a French baguette.
"Sit." She points to one of the bar stools at the breakfast bar, and I automatically obey her command. That just came naturally. I realize she's been this bossy ever since I met her.
"You mentioned paperwork." I said, trying to grab a thought out of my head.
"Yes."
"What paperwork?"
"Well, apart from the NDA, a contract saying what we will and won't do. I need to know your hard limits, and you need to know mine. This is consensual, Laura. I won't force you to do anything you're not okay with, and would like to push your boundaries in areas that you're unsure of because you might find out you really enjoy it. That is, once you get over whatever negative connotation you already have about it."
"And if I don't want to do this?"
"That's fine," she says carefully.
"But then we won't have any sort of relationship?" I ask.
"I'm sorry, but no."
"Why?"
"This is the only sort of relationship I can do."
"Why?" She shrugs.
"It's... the way I am."
"How did you become this way?"
"Why is anyone the way they are? Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?" She takes some large, white plates from a cupboard and places one in front of me.
We're talking about cheese? "What are your rules that I have to follow?"
She looks at me dubiously. "Well, it's not as bad as I'm guessing you're imagining; I have them written down. We'll go through them once we've eaten."
Again with the food. How can I eat now?
"I'm really not hungry," I whisper.
"You will eat," she urges quietly. Dominating Carmilla, it all becomes clear. "Would you like some water?"
"Yes, please."
She hands me a glass of water and comes to sit beside me. I take a hasty sip.
"Help yourself to some food, Laura."
I take a small bunch of grapes. This I can manage. She narrows her eyes.
"Have you been like this for a while?" I ask.
"Yes."
"Is it easy to find women who want to do this?" She raises an eyebrow at me.
"You'd be amazed," she says dryly. Then why is she coming to me?
"Why me? I really don't understand."
"Laura, I've told you. There's something about you. I can't leave you alone." She smiles ironically. "I'm like a moth to your flame." Her voice darkens. "I want you very badly, especially now, when you're biting that lip of yours again." She takes a deep breath and swallows.
My stomach somersaults - she wants me... in a weird way, true, but this beautiful, strange, kinky woman wants me.
"I think you have that cliche the wrong way round." I grumble. I am the moth and she is the flame, and I'm going to get burnt.
"Eat!"
"No. I haven't signed anything yet, so I think I'll hang on to my free will for a bit longer, thank you very much." Her eyes soften, and her lips turn up in a smile.
"As you wish, Miss Hollis."
"How many women?" I blurt out the question, but I'm so curious.
"Fifteen."
Oh... not as many as I thought.
"For long periods of time?"
"Some of them, yes."
"Have you ever hurt anyone?"
"Yes."
Holy shit.
"Badly?"
"No."
"Will you hurt me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Physically, will you hurt me?"
"I will discipline you when you require it, and it might be painful. It might be... doing lines, for all I know. Depends on the infraction." I feel faint.
"Have you ever been beaten?" I ask.
"Yes." Her eyes flick away, unwilling to look at me as she said that.
Oh... that surprises me. Before I can question her on this revelation further, she interrupts my train of thought.
"Let's discuss this in my study. I would like to show you something."
This is so much to process. Here I was foolishly thinking that I'd spend a night of passion in her bed, and we're negotiating this weird arrangement. I follow her into her study, a spacious room with another floor-to-ceiling window that opens out on to the balcony. She sits on the desk, motions for me to sit on a leather chairin front of her, and hands me a piece of paper.
"This is the basic part of the contract, which you can also have a copy of. We'll have to attach pages for your limits and a few other details, but that's neither here nor there. Read it over and let's discuss."
TEMPORARY CONTRACT OF CONSENSUAL OWNERSHIP
The purpose of this document is to:
-State the full mutual consent of the undersigned in regards to this relationship.
-Explain the responsibilities and duties of both Dominant and submissive.
-Define safewords and their use and explain the use of punishment.
-Foster a greater sense of communication between the respective parties.
This contract is in no way legally binding, and is meant only as an aid to better understanding of the needs, duties, and responsibilities of the Dominant and submissive.
I _ _ _, hereinafter referred to as submissive, do of my own free will, and being of sound mind and body, do hereby offer myself in consensual submissivery to Carmilla Karnstein, hereinafter referred to as Dominant, for the period beginning at midnight on _ _ _ and ending at midnight on _ _ _.
This agreement may be terminated at any time before the above named date by either party only in the event of breach of contract. On the above named date this agreement will be reviewed, renegotiated and rewritten, or terminated.
Provisions of Contract
submissive agrees to obey to the best of her ability, and to devote herself entirely to the pleasure and desires of her Dominant. Dominant agrees to learn what excites submissive through exploration and communication and try to incorporate this into the relationship.
Dominant accepts full responsibility of submissive. This includes but is not limited to: submissive's survival, health, physical well being, and mental well being. submissive accepts full responsibility for informing her Dominant of any real or perceived dangers or safety concerns, but also agrees that her Dominant's decision will be final regarding these issues. Dominant agrees that submissive will not be punished for respectfully stating these concerns. The Dominant further agrees to listen to submissive's concerns with a clear and open mind. The Dominant shall endeavor not to inflict physical harm upon submissive which might require the attention of someone outside the relationship.
submissive agrees at all times to make her body readily available to her Dominant for her use. submissive will have hair washed and brushed in the style her Dominant prefers at all times. submissive agrees to wear any and all clothing, makeup, jewelry, etc. that her Dominant chooses.
submissive agrees to accept the responsibility of using a safeword or safe gesture when necessary. submissive acknowledges that safeword is "RED" and safe gesture is Double Finger Snap. The Dominant accepts the responsibility of stopping activities in progress to assess situations where submissive safewords and will, to the best of her ability, make judgement on whether to modify the activity or stop activity entirely. submissive agrees to hold no ill will due to her Dominant's decision. The Dominant agrees not to punish submissive for the use of a safeword or safe gesture.
submissive agrees to answer any and all questions asked by her Dominant freely, promptly, and to the best of her knowledge. submissive further agrees to volunteer any information that her Dominant should know regarding submissive's physical or emotional state. The Dominant agrees to never use this information to harm submissive in any way.
The Dominant agrees to furnish all toys such as vibrators, etc. and punishment implements such as crops and whips. submissive agrees to clean and maintain all personally owned toys and implements, have them available for her Domiant's use at all times, and inform her Dominant of any needed repairs or replacements.
submissive states that her hard limits are, but are not limited to: [see attached page]. The Dominant agrees to never violate these limits without prior negotiation of, and consent by, submissive.
submissive agrees to address her Dominant as 'Mistress' unless otherwise directed. submissive agrees to speak respectfully to her Dominant at all times during a scene. The Dominant may address submissive in any way she so chooses.
The Dominant agrees to furnish submissive with a symbolic token of ownership. submissive agrees to wear this symbol at all times, except when the Dominant states to do so would be inappropriate or would non-consensually involve others.
submissive agrees and understands that any infractions of this agreement, or any act submissive commits which displeases her Dominant, will result in punishment. submissive will gracefully accept punishment and try to learn from it. submissive agrees to assemble the punishment materials as ordered by her Dominant and assume any position needed to accept the punishment. submissive understands that failure to comply with her Dominant's orders will result in a more severe punishment. The Dominant will inform submissive that she is being punished when punishment occurs, and will explain the reason for punishment either before, or during punishment. The Dominant agrees to discipline only out of a desire to better the submissive and her servitude, and further agrees to never punish out of, or during, feelings of anger.
Accepted, understood, and agreed to this day of _ _ _, _ _ _:
By:
_ _ _, Dominant
_ _ _, submissive
Holy fuck.
"Hard limits?" I ask.
"Yes. What you won't do, what I won't do, we need to specify in our agreement. There's a really good spreadsheet that you can fill out so I can tell on a scale from 1 to 5 if you love it, are curious about it, or hate it.
"I'm not sure about you dressing me or telling me how to do my hair." I shift uncomfortably.
"I may want to spoil you a bit, possibly buy you some clothes. As for the hair, I may need you to pull it back or french braid it so that it won't get in the way when I'm doing something with you, or I'll want it down so I can slip my fingers through your scalp and give you a good hair tug."
"I don't have to follow your hair or clothing rules when I'm not with you?"
"No."
"Okay." This is her being pragmatic.
"What's a scene?"
"When we play. Suffice it to say, as soon as we enter the playroom and until we leave it again, consider that the 'scene'. I don't play outside of there."
"So, limits. These are mine." She hands me another piece of paper, and it was shorter than the first.
Hard Limits
No acts involving fire play.
No acts involving urination, defecation, and the products thereof.
No acts involving needles, knives, nor bodily piercing.
No acts involving gynecological medical instruments.
No acts involving children or animals.
No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin.
Ugh. She has to write these down!? Of course - they all look very sensible, and frankly, necessary... any sane person wouldn't want to be involved in this sort of thing surely?
Though I now feel a little queasy.
"Is there anything you'd like to add?" she asks kindly.
Crap. I've no idea. I am completely stumped. She gazes at me and furrows her brow.
"Is there anything you won't do?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?" I squirm uncomfortably.
"I've never done anything like this."
"Well, when you've had sex, was there anything that you didn't like doing?" For the first time in what seems to be ages, I blush.
"Come on, cupcake, you can tell me. We have to be honest with each other or this isn't going to work."
I squirm uncomfortably again and stare at my knotted fingers.
"Tell me," she commands. There is something about the way she said it that it made me need to reply.
"Well... I've not had sex before, so I don't know." My voice is small. I peek up at her, and she's staring at me, mouth-open, frozen, and pale - really pale.
"Never?" she whispers. I shake my head.
"You're a virgin?" she breathes. I nod, flushing again. She closes her eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When she opens them again, she's surprised, maybe even angry. I feel like I should apologize, but that doesn't make sense.
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" she growls.
A/N: Reply to silverm: Laura IS cuter, feistier, and less annoying than her counterpart! THAT'S THE POINT. lol. And Carmilla also has more depth and nuance than her own counterpart in 50SoG. (I usually don't reply to guest reviews and prefer to personally privately reply to every review I get, but I wanted to make this one known.)