A/N: I'm up on AO3 now! Look for Cysteine.

The First Spanking

Slowly the outside world invades my senses. Oh my, I've woken up next to Carmilla. It's still dark out as I'm lying on top of her, my head on her chest, and she smells divine: fresh, light perfume that reminds me of incense, and this woman's body is a temple that I've happily sacrificed my virginity to. Getting to please her and hear her moan was like worshiping the angels above. I don't want to move, I want to breathe this elixir for eternity. I nuzzle her, wishing I didn't have the barrier of her t-shirt. And as I see her laying there peacefully, I stretch my hand out on her chest. This is the first time I've touched her here. She's so soft... Her hand swoops up and grabs mine, pulling it from her chest to her mouth and sweetly kissed my knuckles.

She rolls over so she's gazing down at me.

"Don't," she murmurs, then kisses me lightly.

"Why don't you like to be touched?" I whisper, staring up into her eyes.

"Because I'm fifty different flavors of messed-up, cupcake. This is why I sleep alone."

Oh... her honesty is completely disarming. I blink up at her.

"I've had a... very rough time of it to last a few lifetimes. I don't want to burden you with the details."

"It's not a burden-"

"-Just don't." She strokes her nose against mine, then kisses my cheek and sits up. "I'm sorry, but the last thing I want to do is drag you down into all this."

She looks thoroughly pleased from last night and sounds very matter-of-fact, like she's just marked another tick box in a checklist. I'm still reeling from the rough lifetimes comment. It's so frustrating - I am desperate to know more. But she won't tell me. I cock my head to one side, like she does, and make an enormous effort to smile at her.

"If you imagine for one minute that I think you ceded control to me, well you haven't taken into account my deductive skills." I smile shyly at her. "But thank you for the illusion."

"Miss Hollis, you are not just a pretty face. You've had half a dozen orgasms so far and all of them belong to me," she boasts, playful again.

I flush and blink at the same time, as she stares down at me. I frown as start to mentally count them out, unsure of her accounting. "I'm fairly certain it has only been... Carmilla!" I am startled as I realize what's she's doing to me down there with her tongue. Her brow furrows.

"Do you have something to tell me?" her voice is playfully stern.

I gasp as my thighs are trembling as she blows on my most sensitive bits.

"I had a dream yesterday morning."

"Oh?" She asks me as she seems to dutifully attend to my blossoming need.

"I think I came in my sleep." I cover my face with my hands to hide my embarrassment. She says nothing. I peek up at her from between my fingers, and she looks amused.

"In your sleep?"

"Woke me up."

"I'm sure it did. What were you dreaming about?"

Crap.

"You."

"What was I doing?"

I hide my face again. And like a small child, I briefly entertain the thought that if I can't see her, then she can't see me.

"So, what was I doing? You're pretty vocal, so I'm pretty certain I can get you to talk one way or the other." She's threatening me with an orgasm? A wicked slap to my pubic mound left me gasping and needing more, betraying myself.

"You had a riding crop." I say though my hands.

She moves one of my wrists.

"Really?"

"Yes." I am crimson.

"There's hope for you yet," she murmurs. "I have several riding crops."

"Brown plaited leather?"

She laughs.

"Wow, that's specific, but I'm sure I could get one." Her dark eyes blaze with excitement as her tongue snaked into me and caressed my most intimate parts, pushing me over the edge as I begin to scream my orgasm into my yellow pillow.

I awaken as she gives me a brief kiss then stands and grabs her pants, oh no... she's going. I glance quickly at the time - it's only nine-forty. I scoot out of bed too and grab my TARDIS pj pants and a cami top, then sit back on the bed, cross-legged, watching her. I don't want her to go. What can I do?

"When is your period due?" She interrupts my thoughts.

What!?

"I want to know in case we cycle together." she grumbles, obviously not happy being awake this early.

"Well?" she prompts when I don't reply, and she looks at me expectantly as if she's waiting for my opinion on the weather. Holy crap... this is personal stuff.

"Next week." I stare down at my hands.

"I'd really like it if we could confirm our STI statuses."

She is so bossy. I stare at her blankly. She sits back on the bed as she puts on her shoes and socks.

"Do you have a doctor?" There's the health clinic, but I don't entire trust the horned Healers with vials of my blood. I'm not even certain they are human...

I shake my head. We are back to mergers and acquisitions - another 180-degree mood swing.

She frowns.

"I can have mine come and see you at your apartment - Sunday morning before you come and see me. Or she can see you at my place. Which would you prefer?"

No pressure then. Something else that she's paying for... but actually this is for her benefit.

"Your place." That means I am guaranteed to see her Sunday.

"Okay. I'll let you know the time."

"Are you leaving?"

Don't go... stay with me please.

"Yes."

Why?

"How are you getting back?" I whisper.

"Kirsch is taking me home."

"I can drive you. I have a lovely new car."

She gazes at me, her expression warm.

"That's more like it. But he's already here."

"Why?"

"Because I've got a company to run, and I shouldn't have spent the night here. Another first.

"I'd like you to stay and let me return the favor."

She smiles and her eyes glow with humor.

"Sweetness, I have crossed so many lines here already. I have to go. I'll see you on Sunday. I'll have the revised contract ready for you, and then we can really start to play."

"Play?" Holy shit. My heart leaps into my mouth.

"I'd like to do a scene with you. But I won't until you've signed, so I know you're ready."

"Oh. So I could stretch this out, if I don't sign?"

She gazes at me assessing, and then her lips twitch into a smile.

"Well, I suppose you could try, but I may crack under the strain."

"Crack? How?"

She nods slowly, and then she grins, teasing.

"Could get really ugly."

Her grin is infectious.

"Ugly, how?"

"Oh you know: kidnapping, waterboarding, interrogation, incarceration." She had a sexy, wicked grin that made me uncertain if she was just joking about that.

"You'd kidnap me?"

"Oh yes," she grins.

"Hold me against my will?" Jeez this is hot. Wrong, but hot.

"Oh yes," she nods. "And then we're talking TPE 24/7."

"You've lost me," I breathe, my heart is pounding... is she serious?

"Total Power Exchange - round the clock." Her eyes are shining, and I can feel her excitement from where I sit.

Holy shit.

"So you have no choice," she says sardonically.

"Clearly." I can't keep the sarcasm out of my voice as my eyes reach for the heavens.

"Oh, Laura Hollis, did you just roll your eyes at me?"

Crap.

"No," I squeak.

"I think you did. What did I say I'd do to you if you rolled your eyes at me again?"

Shit. She sits down on the edge of the bed.

"Come here," she says softly.

I blanch. Jeez... she's serious. I sit staring at her completely immobile.

"I haven't signed," I whisper.

"I told you what I'd do. I'm a woman of my word. I'm going to spank you, and then you're going to thank me."

Her voice is so soft, menacing, and it's damned hot. My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid, desire. She gazes at me, waiting, eyes blazing. Tentatively, I uncurl my legs. Should I run? This is it, our relationship hangs in the balance, right here, right now. Do I let her do this or do I say no, and then that's it? Because I know it will be over if I say no.

"I'm waiting," she says. "I don't have all day."

Oh for the love of all that's holy. I'm panting, afraid, turned on. Blood pounding through my body, my legs are like jelly. There is no way in hell or Hogwarts that I'm ready for this. Slowly, I crawl over to her until I am beside her.

"Good girl," she murmurs. "Now stand up."

Oh shit... can't she just get this over with? I'm not sure if I can stand. Hesitantly, I clamber to my feet. Suddenly she grabs me, tipping me across her lap. With one smooth movement, she angles her body so my torso is resting on the bed beside her. She throws her right leg over both of mine and plants her left forearm on the small of my back, holding me down so I cannot move. Oh fuck. "Put your hands up on either side of your head," she orders.

I obey immediately.

"Why am I doing this, Laura?" she asks.

"Because I rolled my eyes at you," I can barely speak.

"Do you think that's polite?"

"No."

"Will you do it again?"

"No." Maybe... Probably.

"I will spank you each time you do it, do you understand?"

Very slowly, she pulls down my sleep pants. Oh, how demeaning is this, demeaning and scary and hot. She's making such a production out of this. My heart is in my mouth. I can barely breathe. Shit, is this going to hurt?

She places her hand on my naked behind, softly fondling me, stroking round and round with her flat palm. And then her hand is no longer there... and she hits me - hard. Ow! My eyes spring open in response to the stinging pain, and I try to rise, but her hand moves between my shoulder blades keeping me down. Merlin, she's strong! She caresses me again where she's hit me, and her breathing's changed - it's louder, harsher. She hits me again and again, quickly in succession.

Holy fuck it hurts. I make no sound, my face screwed up against the pain. I try and wriggle away from the blows - spurred on by adrenaline spiking and coursing through my body. I can feel my cheeks grow warm with each impact, and the sensations start to travel towards my groin and I'm confused as the endorphins start to flood my system and I'm... floating and happy.

"Keep still," she growls. "Or I'll spank you for longer."

She's rubbing me now, and the blow follows. The floating feeling shatters at the imact, and then return again. I gasp at the sensation, my mind reeling at the fact I'm getting pleasure out of it. A rhythmic pattern emerges - caress, fondle, slap hard. My mind empties as I absorb the grueling pattern of sensations. She doesn't hit me in the same place twice in succession - she's spreading the pain.

"Aargh!" I cry out on the tenth slap - and I'm unaware that I have been mentally counting the blows.

"I'm just getting warmed up. My hand isn't even hurting yet." She thinks I care if her hand hurts right now?

She hits me again then she strokes me softly. The combination of the hard stinging blow and her gentle caress is so mind numbing. She hits me again... the resulting wave of pleasure has me becoming wet. What the hell? She strokes me gently and then the blow comes. I cry out again.

"No one to hear you, baby, just me."

And she spanks me again and again. From somewhere deep inside, I want to beg her to stop. But I won't give her the satisfaction. She continues the unrelenting rhythm. I cry out six more times. Eighteen slaps in total. My body is singing, singing from her merciless assault. Her last strike is over my mound, and the impact on my clit comes as pure pleasure and not painful at all.

"Enough," she breathes hoarsely. "Well done, Laura. Now I'm going to fuck you."

She caresses my behind gently, and it burns as she strokes me round and round and down. Suddenly, she inserts two fingers inside me, taking me completely by surprise. I gasp, this new assault breaking through the numbness around my brain.

"Feel this. See how much your body likes this, Laura. You're soaking just for me."

There is awe in her voice. She moves her fingers, in and out in quick succession.

I groan wantonly, and then her fingers are gone... and I'm left wanting. Come back!

"Next time, I will have you count. 'One spank, ah-ah-ah... Two, two spankings, ah-ah-ah..." She just ruined Sesame Street for me.

"I'm going to take you now. You can come," she murmurs.

What? Like I have a choice.

And she's flipped me onto my back and on top me, on her knees and rubbing her own exposed slick folds against mine as I moan loudly. She moves, grinding into me a fast, intense pace against me. The feeling is beyond exquisite, raw and debasing and blowing my mind. My senses are ravaged, disconnected, solely concentrating on what she's doing to me. I never thought this could actually feel good... As I focus on how she's making me feel, there's a familiar pull deep in my belly, tightening, quickening. She rolls her head back joyously and my traitorous body explodes in an intense, body-shattering orgasm.

"Oh, Gods!" she cries out loudly as she finds her release, gripping my thighs firmly as she shudders while pressed against me. She collapses, panting hard beside me, and her hair sprawls out covering both of us as she is holding me close.

"Oh, sweetness," she breathes. "Welcome to my world."

We lie there, panting together, waiting for our breathing to slow. She gently strokes my hair while I don't even have the strength to lift my hand and feel hers. I survived. That wasn't so bad. I'm more okay with that than I thought I would be. Carmilla nuzzles my neck again, inhaling deeply.

"Well done, buttercup," she whispers, quiet joy in her voice. Her words curl around me like a soft fluffy towel, and I'm so pleased that she's happy. She picks at the strap on my camisole.

"Is this what you sleep in?" she asks gently.

"Yes," I breathe sleepily.

"You should be in silk and satin, you beautiful girl. I'll take you shopping."

"I like my sweats," I murmur, trying and failing to sound irritated.

She kisses my head again.

"We'll see," she says, "If you want to sleep by me, I want to see you something sexy."

We lie for a few more minutes, hours, who knows, and I think I doze. I rouse when I hear her speak up.

"I have to go," she says, and leaning down, she kisses my forehead gently. "Are you okay?" Her voice is soft.

I think about her question. My backside is sore. Well, glowing now, and amazingly I feel, apart from exhausted, radiant. The realization is humbling, unexpected. I don't understand.

"I'm okay," I whisper. I don't want to say more than that.

I rise stiffly and put my sweatpants back on. They chafe a little against my still-smarting behind. I'm so confused by my reaction. I remember her saying - I can't remember when - that I would feel so much better after a good hiding. How can this be so? I really don't get it. But strangely, I do. I can't say that I enjoyed the experience, in fact, I would still go a long way to avoid it, but now... I have this safe, weird, floaty-sated feeling. I put my head in my hands. I just don't understand.

"I found some baby oil. Let me rub it onto your behind."

What?

"No. I'll be fine."

"Laura," she warns, and I want to roll my eyes but quickly stop myself. I stand facing the bed. Sitting beside me, she gently pulls my sweatpants down again. If I'm to be hers, I guess I should expect this.

Carmilla squirts baby oil into her hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness - from makeup remover to smoothing balm for a spanked ass, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid.

"Aftercare is important. Besides, I like my hands on you," she murmurs, and I have to agree, me too.

"There," she says when she's finished, and she pulls my pants up again and gives me a light swat on my bum. I smile at the that, then frown as I catch myself. I glance over at my clock. It's only ten-thirty.

I struggle to meet her eyes, but when I do, she's gazing down at me with wonder.

"You didn't cry," she murmurs, then grabs me suddenly and kisses me fervently. "Sunday," she whispers against my lips, and it's both a promise and a threat.

I watch her walk down the path and climb into the big black Jeep. She doesn't look back. I got some amazing sex, a spanking that I'm still trying to process, and I will soon get an updated contract that will essentially sign my body over to her this Sunday. Have I strayed so far from who I once thought I was? I know that lurking, not very far under my rather numb exterior, is a well of tears. What am I doing? The irony is I can't even sit down and enjoy a good cry. I'll have to stand.

The door opens and Betty appears, grinning at me. Her face falls when she sees I've been crying.

"Has that bitch upset you again?"

"No... sort of... err... yes."

"Just tell her to take a hike, Laura. You've been so up and down since you met her. I've never seen you like this." You've never seen me in a relationship, either. The world of Betty Spielsdorf is very clear; very black and white. Not the intangible, mysterious, vague flavors of sweet and bitter that exist in my world.

"Sit, let's talk. Let's have some wine. Oh, you've had champagne." She spies the bottle. "Some crazy expensive champagne."

I smile ineffectually, looking apprehensively at the couch. I approach it with caution. Sitting is going to hurt, isn't it?

"Are you okay?"

I nodded as Betty pulled out a bottle of red wine and rinsed the teacups.

"Here we go." She hands me a cup of wine. It won't taste as good as the rose champagne did.

"Laura, if she's got commitment issues, dump her. Though I don't really understand it; she couldn't take her eyes off you after the graduation ceremony, she watched you like a hawk. I'd say she was completely smitten, but maybe she has a funny way of showing it."

Smitten? Funny way of showing it indeed.

"Betty, it's complicated. How was your evening?" I ask.

I can't talk this through with Betty without revealing too much, but once she starts talking about Jamie the conversation has shifted completely away from me and I can just smile and nod as she talks about how she's never really liked a guy this much before and has finally gotten over questioning her sexuality because he's transgender. Is that why Carmilla never takes her top off? Does she want to live life as a guy? I frown, uncertain about that as we finish our wine and she's off packing more of her boxes.

I check my phone and see there's a new email from Carmilla.

You are quite simply exquisite. The most beautiful, intelligent, witty and brave woman I have ever met. Take some Advil - this is not a request.

Carmilla Karnstein

Flattery will get you nowhere, but since you've been everywhere the point is moot.

Red wine is always more preferable to Advil.

Laura

PS: Caning is a HARD limit for me.

I accept your addition to the hard limits. And I haven't been everywhere yet. ;)

Don't drink too much.

Carmilla Karnstein

I'm not sure I want you everywhere, especially at the moment. Right now I am not so certain I like you.

Laura

Why don't you like me?

Carmilla Karnstein

Because you never stay with me.

I put down my phone after I send the last reply. There, that's given her something to think about. It's been an amazing 24 hours; dad approving of Carmilla, Betty and her big mouth, and hearing Carmilla speak about being hungry. What the hell is that all about? And the smart car. I haven't even told Betty about the new car. What was Carmilla thinking?

And then this morning, she actually hit me. I've never been hit in my life, outside of my Krav Maga classes. What have I gotten myself into? Very slowly, my tears, halted by Betty's arrival, begin to slide down the side of my face and into my ears. I lay on my bed, facing the wall, to hide that I'm crying. I have fallen for someone who's so emotionally shut down, I will only get hurt - deep down I know this - someone who by her own admission is completely fucked up. Why is she so fucked up? It must be awful to be as affected as she is, and the thought that as a toddler she suffered some unbearable cruelty makes me cry harder. Perhaps if she was more normal she wouldn't want me, and worry that I'm right. I turn my face into my pillow and the emotional gates open... and for the first time in years, I am sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow.

I am momentarily distracted from my dark thoughts by Betty shouting.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing here?"

"Well you can't!"

"What the fuck have you done to her now?"

"Since she's met you she cries all the time."

"You can't come in here!"

Carmilla bursts into the dorm and I turn red, puffy eyes towards her.

"Jesus, Laura," she mutters.

"What are you doing here?" I gasp between sobs. Crap. I can't stop crying.

Betty comes and stands in the doorway.

"Do you want me to call campus security?" she asks, radiating a previously unseen hostility. Carmilla raises her eyebrows at her, no doubt surprised by her feral antagonism. I shake my head and ask for some privacy with Carmilla as she rolls her eyes at me.

"Just holler if you need me," she says more gently. "Karnstein - your cards are marked," she hisses at her. She nods at her, and she turns and pulls the door to but doesn't close it.

Carmilla gazes down at me, her expression grave, her face ashen. She's wearing her pinstriped jacket, and from her inside pocket, she pulls out a monogrammed handkerchief with CK on it and hands it to me. I think I still have her other one somewhere.

"What's going on?" she asks quietly.

"Why are you here?" I ask, ignoring her question. My tears have miraculously ceased, but I'm left with dry heaves racking my body.

"Part of my role is to look after your needs. You said you wanted me to stay, so here I am. And now I find you like this." She blinks at me, truly bewildered. "I'm sure I'm responsible, and I think I know why. Sit up, please."

I pull myself up, wincing from my sore behind. I sit and face her.

"Did you take some pain medicine?"

I shake my head. She narrows her eyes, sighs, and goes to my sink. She's back a few moments later with pills and a teacup of water.

"Take these," she orders gently as she sits on my bed beside me.

I do as I'm told.

"Talk to me," she whispers. "You told me you were okay. I'd never have left you if I thought you were like this."

I stare down at my hands. What can I say that I haven't said already? I want more. I want her to stay because she wants to stay with me, not because I'm a blubbering mess, and I don't want her to beat me, is that so unreasonable?

"I take it that when you said you were okay, you weren't."

I flush.

"I thought I was fine."

"Laura, you can't tell me what you think I want to hear. That's not very honest," she admonishes me with my name. "How can I trust anything you've said to me?"

I peek up at her, and she's frowning, a bleak look in her eye. She runs both hands through her hair. She frustrated.

"Let me walk you through this. How did you feel while I was hitting you and after?"

"I didn't like it. Then I really liked it. It's confusing."

"Your endorphins crashed too quickly and you didn't take any medicine. Proper aftercare would ensure that this type of 'subdrop' doesn't happen."

"Why do you like doing this?" I stare up at her. My question surprises her.

"You really want to know?"

"Oh, trust me, I'm fascinated." And I can't quite keep the bitter sarcasm out of my voice.

She narrows her eyes again.

"Tone, Miss Hollis." she warns.

I blanch.

"Are you going to hit me again?" I challenge.

"No, not today."

Phew... my subconscious and I both breathe a silent sigh of relief.

"So," I prompt.

"I like the control it brings me, Laura. I want you to behave in a particular way, and if you don't, I shall punish you, and you will learn to behave the way I desire. I enjoy punishing you. I've wanted to spank you since you asked me if I was gay."

I flush at the memory. Jeez, I wanted to spank myself after that question. So Betty Spielsdorf is responsible for all this, and if she'd gone to that interview and asked her gay question, she'd be sitting here with the sore ass. I don't like that thought. How confusing is this?

"So you don't like me the way I am."

She stares at me, bewildered again.

"I think you're lovely the way you are."

"So why are you trying to change me?"

"I don't want to change you. I'd like you to be courteous and to follow the set of rules I've given you and not defy me. Simple," she says.

"But you want to punish me?"

"Yes I do."

"That's what I don't understand."

She sighs and runs her hands through her hair again.

"It's the way I'm made, Laura. I need to control you. I need you to behave in a certain way, and if you don't - I love to watch your beautiful alabaster skin pink and warm up under my hands. It turns me on."

Holy shit. Now we're getting somewhere.

"So it's not the pain you're putting me through?"

She swallows.

"A bit, to see if you can take it, but that's not the whole reason. It's the fact that you are mine to do with as I see fit - ultimate control over someone else. And that turns me on. Look, I'm not explaining myself very well... I've never had to before. I've not really thought about this in any great depth. I've always been with like-minded people," she shrugs apologetically. "And you still haven't answered my question - how did you feel afterwards?"

"Confused."

"You were sexually aroused by it, Laura," she closes her eyes briefly, and when she re-opens them and gazes at me, they are smoldering smoky embers.

Her expression pulls at that dark part of me, buried in the depths of my belly - my libido, woken and tamed by her, but even now, insatiable.

"Don't look at me like that," she murmurs, "I'm fairly certain we need to sort this out before we start rutting about in your bed again."

I frown. Jeez what have I done now?

"Question for you: don't you think that asking me for 'more', to share a bed with you, to not be the kinky sadist, and to try touching me under my top is you trying to change me?"

I squirm under her intense gaze.

"I would like an answer."

I pick at an imaginary spot on my blue and cream quilt.

"You beguile me, Carmilla. Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the Sun," I whisper.

She gasps.

"Well, I think you've got that the wrong way around," she whispers.

"What?"

"Cupcake, you've bewitched me. Isn't it obvious?"

No, not to me.

"You've still not answered my question. Should I stay?"

"Do you want to stay?" I can't hide the hope in my voice.

"You wanted me here."

"You haven't answered my question."

"Oh, bother," she mutters petulantly. Standing, she puts down her phone and keys. She strips off her ankle-boots and places her jacket over my chair. She climbs onto the bed and slides in.

"Lie down," she orders.

I slip slowly under the covers, wincing slightly, staring at her. Jeez... she's staying. I think I'm numb with elated shock. She leans up on one elbow staring down at me.

"If you are going to cry. Cry in front of me. I need to know."

"Do you want me to cry?"

"This isn't about what I want now, but what you need to do to decompress. I want to know how you're feeling. I don't want you slipping through my fingers. I'll stay here for an hour or so, but then I need to get back to work. I can't just leave Sue and LaFontaine to meet with the investors."

So she's here... and still so bossy, but I can't complain, she's in my bed. I don't quite understand why, though. "Lie on your side, facing away from me," she murmurs into my ear. I roll my eyes in the full knowledge that she cannot see me, but I do as I'm told. Gingerly, she moves over and puts her arms around me and pulls me to her chest.

"There, there, cupcake." she whispers, and I feel her nose in my hair as she inhales deeply. I feel safe and protected here, and I realize why. Carmilla Karnstein is sleeping with me, and in the comfort and solace of her arms, I drift into a peaceful sleep.