Hey guys! Welcome to the second chapter of "The Troll Groom!" Well, this will be the actual first chapter, since the last chapter was only the prologue. But anyways! For the next I have no idea how many chapters, this will all be the book that John's reading. By the way, I will try my hardest to keep this as canon as possible in the best ways possible, duh! By the way, I might throw in a few pesterlogs every now and then, please forgive me for them! They are necessary at certain points and I promise that there will be very few pesterlogs. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy!
NOTE: I do not own "The Princess Bride" or "Homestuck".
WARNING: There shall be a crapload of swearing because come on, we're talking about Homestuck here. Don't like, don't read. Sorry haters! :P
Story Time!
Once upon a time, in a land called Alternia, there lived a troll by the name of Karkat Vantas. He was raised by a loving crab-like creature called Crabdad, who loved him dearly. Karkat lived in a hive, which in turn was surrounded by many other hives similar to his. These hives were known as a hivestem. The trolls in this hivestem were all around Karkat's age and were very good friends, but he never left his hive to go and communicate with them. You see, Karkat was a mutant with bright red blood, and if any of the other trolls, or worse, the royal empress discovered this, he would be culled. Therefore, he always stayed at home with his lusus to keep safe.
He would get quite lonely at times, so he downloaded a chat device on his husktop called Trollian and registered himself as an anonymous troll called carcinoGeneticist. His chat color was always gray, out of fear that someone would discover his blood color. Karkat met several trolls online and he even made a few friends despite his secret. He grew to love watching romantic comedies and would watch them all the time. His life, although mostly uneventful and dull, was one that Karkat wouldn't trade for the world. However... he did always feel that something was missing from his life, but he just couldn't figure out what.
One day, Karkat was resting his head on his hands and sitting down in front of his husktop. He was just starting to fall asleep when suddenly the husktop dinged with the familiar sound of a new message. Karkat groaned and sat up, opening Trollian and was ready to tell whoever this asshole was to shut the hell up and let him sleep. However, this wasn't one of his friends trying to piss him off.
[turntechGodhead has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist]
TG: yo
What the fuck?! Karkat thought as he examined the username with interest. This guy has bright red text. Is he crazy? He should know better than to reveal his blood color like that! That dumb fuck. He's probably going to be culled any day now. Since he had nothing better to do, Karkat decided to just message this guy and tell him to leave him the fuck alone.
[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling turntechGodhead]
CG: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT.
Okay, maybe that wasn't exactly telling him to go away, but Karkat didn't care. If this guy was to talk in red text, so be it. As long as he didn't get himself culled for talking to this other mutant, Karkat might as well just see what his deal was.
TG: whoa, calm the fuck down. ive done nothing wrong
CG: THAT'S GREAT. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
TG: aww, that sucks. not even one?
CG: FOR SOME DUMBASS MUTANT WHO'S GOING TO END UP CULLED, NO.
TG: the hell do you mean, mutant?
Whoa, what the fuck? What the hell is wrong with this dude?!
CG: HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A MUTANT IS.
TG: i just dont. calm your overly heated and for whatever reason pissed off ass
CG: YEAH WELL FUCK YOU. AND CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT MY ASS? YOU DON'T EVEN GODDAMN KNOW ME.
TG: no but i have a feeling that im gonna end up knowing that ass real well
Karkat let out a frustrated screech and face palmed angrily before responding.
CG: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU MORONIC PIECE OF DUMBASSERY.
CG: I SWEAR TO FUCK, YOU ARE THE LIVING DEFINITION OF THE OVERLY COCKY AND DIPSHIT TROLL WHO THINKS NO, I WON'T GET CULLED BY THE EMPRESS BECAUSE I'M THE COOLEST PIECE OF SHIT ON ALTERNIA. WELL GUESS WHAT, FUCKLAMP? YOU'RE GODDAMN WRONG. NOW IF YOU DON'T DAMN MIND, I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP. SO FUCK OFF.
[carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling turntechGodhead]
TG: wait no
TG: get back here i wasnt done talking to you
After sending the message, Karkat started to stand up from his chair when his husktop dinged twice. God fucking damn it, what does this asshole want now?! he thought as he sat back down in his chair and reopened up Trollian.
[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling turntechGodhead]
CG: THAT'S GODDAMN SPECTACULAR. WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW.
TG: well for starters
TG: i am the coolest piece of shit out there
TG: and im a piece of shit because its ironic that the coolest guy ever is calling himself a piece of shit oh yeah
TG: but yeah like who the hell is this empress
TG: and why would she just kill me for no reason
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD. YOU'RE STUPIDER THAN I THOUGHT. OKAY, IF YOU'RE SO STUPID, WHAT'S YOUR BLOOD COLOR?
TG: uh red obviously
CG: LIKE BRIGHT RED OR RUST RED?
TG: why does it matter what color my blood is
CG: BECAUSE, DUMBASS, IF YOU HAVE BRIGHT RED BLOOD, YOU'RE TO BE CULLED INSTANTLY. YOU SHOULD GODDAMN KNOW THIS BY NOW.
TG: okay thats great. whats your blood color then
CG: THERE IS NO DAMN WAY THAT I'M TRUSTING YOU WITH THAT. FUCK OFF.
TG: wait youre making me tell you about my blood but you wont tell me yours
CG: YEAH. DEAL WITH IT.
TG: ...
TG: youre a mutant arent you
CG: WAIT WHAT? FUCK NO. A THOUSAND TIMES NO.
TG: dude i honestly dont give a shit im just asking
CG: WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW.
TG: because youre being so secretive about it. like damn its only blood, whats the big deal
CG: HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SAY THAT. IT'S NOT JUST BLOOD, IT'S BASICALLY YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN EXISTENCE. WHAT KIND OF TROLL ARE YOU IF YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE HEMOSPECTRUM AND YOUR OWN BLOOD COLOR?!
TG: see thats the thing, im not a troll
Karkat sat still for a whole three minutes at that message, his mouth wide open with shock and surprise.
TG: yo you there or what
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, YOU AREN'T A TROLL?
TG: well theres something called a human. ever heard of them
CG: OH YEAH, THOSE STUPID LITTLE SHITS WHO CAN'T DO ANYTHING. A FEW OF MY FRIENDS TALK TO THOSE FUCKERS EVERY NOW AND THEN.
TG: yeah well i am a human and i think i speak for all of humankind when i say that was not cool bro
CG: TOO FUCKING BAD. GO CHOKE ON A BONE BULGE FOR ALL I CARE.
TG: id love to but youre on a totally different planet and im too lazy for space travel
CG: WAIT WHAT THE GLOBE SHITTING FUCK.
TG: pfft wow youre hella easy to mess with
CG: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP, SHITHEAD.
TG: nah, i dont feel like it
CG: UGHHHH. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME ANYWAYS?
TG: well i was bored and had nothing to do so i figured why the fuck not message random people on the internet and whoop-de-fucking-do i discovered aliens with just three clicks
CG: GODDAMN YOU'RE FUCKING OBNOXIOUS.
TG: wow shit let me just go tell bro that the aliens think im psycho oh noo
CG: YEAH, YOU BETTER BE GODDAMN INTIMIDATED. AND WHO THE FUCK IS BRO?
TG: my older brother who like taught me a few things he basically knows everything and is awesome
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS AN 'OLDER BROTHER'.
TG: whoa shit you guys dont have siblings
TG: every days a damn school day
CG: ?!
TG: haha its a long story that im too lazy to tell right now
TG: anyways so yeah since youre like an alien and all
TG: how about we like get to know each other
CG: WHY WOULD I WANT TO TELL YOU ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. YOU'RE A STRANGER.
TG: whoop, stranger danger. better watch out cause like im gonna totally tell the world that ive met the aliens and theyre actually a bunch of dicks who wont disclose private info
TG: like dude im not gonna hurt you im just a regular guy
TG: besides you seem pretty decent
CG: HOW CAN I KNOW THAT I CAN TRUST YOU.
TG: see thats the thing, you dont
TG: so mr carcinogeneticist, are you gonna trust me by telling me all your dirty little secrets or what
TG: or ms carcinogeneticist
TG: wait no mrs
TG: youre totally a mrs and youve got hella dirty secrets thats why you dont trust anyone
TG: what have you been hiding mrs geneticist
TG: are you cheating on me
At this point, Karkat got so frustrated that he started banging his fist on his head while he was resting his head on the keyboard.
CG: A;SELFJA;DJFKLJADKL;FJ AIJAFSDL NA9PIORJFAOBRUIFA VMI AIWUE I VJIIDFKJA JOEDIFJ IODF ADKFN
CG: KDFJAAFL;KSDJFKAS; LSDKF A;SDLIFAU KSDFJ ADKFJ DKLF ASDKF D AKSDFJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
TG: whoa shit thats a lot of dirty secrets hot damn
TG: you whore, mrs geneticist
TG: shame on you
Karkat angrily picked up his head and responded by banging on the keyboard as hard as he could.
CG: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I WAS JUST BANGING MY HEAD ON THE GODDAMN KEYBOARD BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT.
TG: well crap there goes my new best bro
TG: we were gonna be like friends for life yo
TG: like i was gonna be the maid of honor at your wedding
CG: WHAT
CG: THE
CG: EVERLOVING
CG: SHIT.
TG: i had the dress all planned out and everything
TG: for shame, dude
TG: cancelling last minute, that is not cool
TG: think of the children
CG: THE FUCK ARE CHILDREN?!
TG: holy crap youve totally lost it
TG: someone call nine one one weve got an insane space alien on our hands
TG: yeah this is nine one one what the fuck do you want
TG: well you see mr nine one one ive got an insane space alien on the computer and he appears to be losing his mind
CG: RRRAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHGHHHHHHHH!
TG: and that, my friend, is exactly the reason why youre going cuckoo
TG: theres a time in every young mans life when all they say is rrraaaauuuugggghhhh and they turn into a psycho and their friends and loved ones can do nothing but watch in horror and dismay
At this point, Karkat stood up and had to walk away from the husktop for a few minutes to calm down poor Crabdad, who'd been screeching in alarm and panic for over half an hour. Once he'd calmed him down, Karkat came back to his desk to see that this damn human just would. not. stop. messaging. him.
TG: yo but like seriously
TG: are you okay man
TG: or woman whatever
TG: you havent responded in a while
TG: okay its been like three minutes
TG: but thats still a while
Karkat sighed and sat back down at the desk, typing out a reply.
CG: YEAH, I'M HERE.
CG: SORRY, I HAD TO GO CALM DOWN MY NUTCASE LUSUS.
TG: the hell is a lusus
CG: IT'S BASICALLY THIS ANIMAL-LIKE CREATURE THAT CHOOSES YOU AFTER YOU HATCH AND THEN TAKES CARE OF YOU UNTIL YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP AND THEN YOU TAKE CARE OF THE LUSUS AND BASICALLY BECOME A GODDAMN ZOOKEEPER.
CG: I MEAN, I LOVE MY LUSUS AND ALL BUT HE'S SUCH A FUCKING PAIN IN THE ASS.
TG: oh well okay then
TG: and back to you telling me about yourself
TG: how about i at least have a name to match the boring gray text
CG: UGH... FINE. MY NAME IS KARKAT.
TG: is that like your full name, like you dont even have a last name
TG: you trolls are fucking weird
CG: IT'S VANTAS. KARKAT VANTAS.
TG: okay sweet so are you a guy or girl
CG: GUY.
TG: nice i couldnt tell thanks for clearing that up
CG: FUCK YOU.
TG: wow you dont know anything about me and you want to fuck me already hot damn
TG: its the strider charm yo
TG: cant keep those alien ladies away from this sexy beast
CG: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU CONCEITED ASSHOLE.
TG: nah i dont feel like it
CG: UGH. WHAT'S YOUR SHITTY HUMAN NAME OR WHATEVER.
TG: oh so now you care about me and my shit
CG: I NEVER SAID THAT I CARED ABOUT YOU, I JUST WANT TO KNOW YOUR FUCKING NAME.
TG: calm down there bro
TG: dont be a
TG: vantass
CG: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD.
TG: yo chill the hell out
CG: JUST TELL ME YOUR DAMN NAME.
TG: are you sure you wanna know my name
CG: YES.
TG: is that your final answer
CG: YES.
TG: are you absolutely positively sure about that
CG: FUCKING YES NOW GODDAMN TELL ME!
TG: hahaha i think i just won karkat freakout bingo
CG: JUST TELL ME. YOUR FUCKING. NAME.
TG: well then
TG: my name is
TG: dave
TG: dave strider
TG: ha you thought i was gonna bullshit you there but i didnt
TG: the one time you expect bullshit is when i dont bullshit
TG: oh the irony
TG: dear, sweet, precious irony
TG: what would i do without it
CG: PROBABLY CHOKE TO DEATH ON A VILE RAGE SNAKE CALLED BOREDOM.
TG: yeah, probably
TG: so anyways i must go
CG: WAIT WHAT. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING.
TG: my dear, sweet, precious bro is calling me to the rooftop to kick my ass
CG: WHY.
CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN.
TG: also im trying to make a dramatic exit here, karkat
TG: show some damn respect
CG: WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
CG: ...
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO CONTINUE BOTHERING ME WITH YOUR BULLSHIT?
TG: hell
TG: fucking
TG: yes
CG: FUCK MY LIFE.
TG: oh come on, you love it already
CG: WAIT WHAT?! NO I DON'T!
TG: ahahahaha you totally do i knew it
CG: I JUST MET YOU, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF RED SHIT!
TG: eww, red shit. gross. didnt know you were into that
CG: I'M NOT!
TG: thats what they all say
TG: but they just cant stay away from this fucking piece of red shit that is me
TG: its not my fault that im irresistable
[turntechGodhead has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist]
Karkat sighed in annoyance and placed his face in his hands. Somehow, he just knew that this Dave guy was really going to get on his nerves.
That's all for now, folks! If you'd like to, drop me a rate and/or a review. Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and I shall see you in the next chapter of whatever I make next! (Heads up, it might end up being a totally new story.) Have a great day/morning/afternoon/evening!