Hey guys! Welcome to the second chapter of "The Troll Groom"! I have to say, this story is really fun to write! I have a lot of ideas and I really hope that you'll love reading them as much as I love writing them! Anyways, on with the show!
NOTE: I do not own "Homestuck" or "The Princess Bride".
Story Time!
Karkat grew to a routine of answering his messages about a half hour after he woke up. Originally, Dave would just pester him until the husktop dinging would wake him up and he would be annoyed with everyone and everything around him for the rest of the day. After about a month or so, Karkat began waking up on his own so the husktop would quit pissing him off. Karkat learned all about Dave and gradually began to share things about himself to him as well. He even looked forward to his daily chats with Dave; they were the interesting moments where he quickly learned to not assume anything about his new friend, because literally anything could and would happen in those conversations. For three years, the two of them grew quite close and talked about just about anything and everything.
On this particular day, Karkat was having a long discussion with Dave about the use of buckets in their individual societies.
CG: I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S FUCKING GROSS THAT YOU GUYS USE BUCKETS AS CLEANING DEVICES.
TG: no, whats gross is that you guys put your genetic material in those fuckers. like goddamn, thats nasty shit yo
CG: WHAT'S NASTY IS THE THOUGHT OF SOMEONE CLEANING WITH A BUCKET. THEY AREN'T MEANT FOR CLEANING UP MESSES WITH! THEY'RE MEANT FOR... WELL... YOU KNOW WHAT.
TG: dude thats just disgusting like why the fuck do you keep it in buckets anyways like do you just keep that shit for a midnight snack or what
CG: EWW! THAT'S JUST... BLEUGH!
TG: damn i called it
TG: gross is the word, my horny friend
CG: OH HA HA, DAVE. THAT JOKE WAS SO FUNNY, I THINK I'M GOING TO SHIT RAINBOW SPARKLES OF THIS EMOTION YOU CALL FRIENDSHIP OUT OF MY EYES.
TG: now thats whats gross, bro. please dont do that
TG: and weve been over this, friendship isnt an emotion
CG: OH WHATEVER.
CG: I HONESTLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT AT THIS POINT.
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S A DAMN VIRUS, AND YOU INFECTED ME WITH IT.
CG: CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS, DAVE STRIDER. YOU'VE INFECTED AN ALIEN SPECIES WITH YOUR STUPID GODDAMN FRIENDSHIP SHIT.
TG: yeah thats bullshit, all i did was message you nonstop and eventually you would message back
CG: EXACTLY. ISN'T THAT WHAT FRIENDSHIP IS TO YOU ANYWAYS?
TG: yes and no
TG: a true friend would give me aj
CG: THE FUCK IS AJ.
TG: oh my god you guys dont have apple juice
TG: you poor souls
TG: god have mercy on you
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS AN APPLE JUICE.
TG: dude when we meet up you should totally have aj
TG: its the beverage of the gods, my friend
CG: THE GODS.
TG: yeah
CG: ASSUMING THAT GODS ACTUALLY ARE REAL AND NOT JUST A FIGMENT OF SOME PATHETIC LITTLE WEAKLING'S IMAGINATION, AND ALSO ASSUMING THAT THEY HAVE THE POWER TO CONSUME A HUMAN BEVERAGE, YOU JUST AUTOMATICALLY GUESS THAT THEY PURELY AND ONLY DRINK YOUR SO CALLED "APPLE JUICE".
TG: yeah
CG: YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE.
TG: i know
CG: YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
TG: yes but im your idiot
CG: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK?
TG: haha
CG: UUUUGGGGGHHHHH. DAVE STRIDER, FUCK YOU.
TG: you wish
CG: OH FUCK OFF.
TG: nah
TG: karkat weve been over this
TG: im not going anywhere
TG: and im staying for your own good
CG: THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT.
TG: i know youd miss me too much if i just up and ditched you
TG: so i wont
TG: im not that big of a douche
CG: WOOOW. FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I WOULD BE PERFECTLY FINE WITHOUT YOU.
TG: really now? since when
CG: THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, I DON'T NEED YOU.
CG: I CAN LIVE WITHOUT SOME ASSHOLE HUMAN "COOLKID".
TG: thats what they all say
TG: karkat you dont know how good you got it
TG: but when im gone youre gonna miss me so fucking much
TG: you wont know what to do with yourself
CG: YEAH RIGHT.
TG: okay so i guess ill get going then
TG: see ya
[turntechGodhead has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist]
CG: DAVE?
CG: WAIT NO COME BACK!
CG: DAMMIT DAVE GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!
CG: FUCK
CG: MY
CG: LIFE.
[turntechGodhead has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist]
TG: haha see i told you dude
TG: you just cant live without me
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, DAVE.
CG: FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHIT.
TG: hey, its not my fault im irresistible
TG: and especially to you
CG: HEY!
CG: THAT IS SUCH BULLCRAP.
TG: yo im not the one who flipped my shit
TG: that was all you
TG: you did good
TG: im proud of you
CG: UGH. REMIND ME WHY I EVEN PUT UP WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.
TG: karkat we just went over this
TG: damn your attention span is worse than harleys
CG: AND MIGHT I ASK, WHAT THE HELL IS A HARLEYS.
TG: pffft ahahahaha
TG: "what the hell is a harleys"
TG: and the oscar for quote of the year goes to...
TG: me
TG: because fuck you haha
CG: ...
CG: I'M SO FUCKING DONE WITH YOUR SHIT, DAVE.
TG: well thats too bad for you
TG: cause im not going anywhere
CG: AND WHY NOT?
TG: like i said, it would do more harm to you than to me
TG: actually it wouldnt be a bad idea for me to just like quit pestering you
TG: i could have a life for once
TG: but nah
TG: im blowing off having a life for you, karkat
TG: i hope youre happy
CG: SURE, DAVE.
TG: aw yeah
Karkat sighed and was about to ask Dave about who or what this "harleys" thing was, but at that very moment, his computer dinged and it wasn't a new message from Mr. Human Asshole.
[caligulasAquarium has begun trolling carcinoGeneticist]
CA: hey kar
Karkat raised an eyebrow at the husktop screen, eyeing it down warily. Eridan hadn't messaged him in at least three sweeps, and the last time they talked was because he needed love advice, like usual. Why the hell not just see what he wants, Karkat reasoned with himself. He clicked on Eridan's trolltag and opened a log. By doing so, he accidentally closed down his chat with Dave.
[carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling turntechGodhead]
[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling caligulasAquarium]
CG: DAMN, LONG TIME NO SEE.
CG: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN.
CA: busy doin things
CG: YEAH, I FIGURED AS MUCH.
CA: kar please i really need to talk to you
CG: CAN IT WAIT?
CA: it's really important
CG: HOLD ON, I NEED TO FINISH... UH... DOING SOMETHING.
[carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling caligulasAquarium]
Karkat glanced at the chat he had going with Dave, in which he had been messaging him constantly.
TG: yo karkat you still there
TG: okay come on
TG: i get it that youre mad
TG: sorry or whatever
TG: just get back here
TG: ugh come on
TG: dont be an asshole just get back here
TG: wait no you kind of are an asshole
TG: but like still
TG: get the hell back here
TG: ...
TG: please karkat
TG: just come the hell back
TG: im sorry if i pissed you off
TG: ill just go
TG: and never talk to you again
TG: if thats what you want
Karkat couldn't help but laugh out loud as he typed back his response as quickly as he could.
[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling turntechGodhead]
TG: okay so here i go
TG: goodbye karkat
TG: i am gone
CG: WAIT WHOA WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING.
TG: damn that actually worked
TG: i should try whistling next time
CG: OKAY CAN YOU NOT.
CG: LOOK, ONE OF MY FRIENDS JUST GOT ONLINE AND I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM FOR ABOUT THREE SWEEPS. CAN WE PLEASE TALK LATER OR SOMETHING? HE SAYS THAT HE NEEDS TO TALK TO ME AND IT'S IMPORTANT.
TG: damn it sounds like hes about to propose
TG: i just wanna let you know that i love you no matter what
TG: and some jealous bitchy fishhead wont get in the way of our love
CG: WAIT WHAT? NO. HE'S NOT GOING TO PROPOSE.
TG: thats what they all say
TG: then boom, ring on the finger
CG: UGH, WHATEVER. BUT SERIOUSLY THOUGH. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, OKAY?
TG: alright
TG: have fun with your husband
TG: and remember to use buckets to save your genetic material for fucking forever or whatever idk
[turntechGodhead has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist]
Karkat felt bad about having to stop chatting with Dave so soon, he really did. But Eridan needed him for some fucking reason, and they'd been friends for sweeps.
[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling caligulasAquarium]
CG: OKAY, I'M BACK.
CA: wwelcome back, kar
CG: THANKS. SO, WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
CA: wwell, a lot of things really
CG: I DON'T HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE GODDAMN UNIVERSE. JUST TELL ME.
CA: wwoww kar, impatient much? it's been three swweeps since wwe'vve gotten to talk
CG: AND WHO'S FAULT IS THAT? I'VE BEEN HERE. DOING ABSOLUTELY JACK SHIT.
CA: wwell i'vve been meanin to contact you, obvviously, but a lot a things came up
CG: THAT'S GREAT. JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE UP TO.
CA: okay so you knoww howw fef and i are moirails right?
CG: OBVIOUSLY. YOU USED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW YOU WERE STUCK IN 'THE MOIRAIL ZONE' FOR FUCKING FOREVER.
CA: wwell, i'm gonna let her knoww howw i feel tonight
CG: WHY NOW. WHY NOT LATER, OR NEVER.
CA: because she's our future empress, kar! her coronation is in a feww days from noww anywways
CG: AND ARE YOU SURE IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO PISS HER OFF RIGHT BEFORE SHE TAKES CONTROL OF ALTERNIA.
CA: wwell, i don't think i'll be pissin her off. or at least i hope not
CG: DOES SHE EVEN HAVE A MATESPRIT?
CA: not that i knoww of
CG: WELL WHAT IF SHE DOES HAVE ONE? THEN YOU'RE FUCKED.
CA: yeah, that's true. but come on, kar, let me havve hope for once!
CG: SURE, GO AHEAD. GOOD LUCK.
CA: thanks. so howw about you? havve you gotten any quadrants filled lately?
CG: UH... KIND OF.
CA: oh really? wwhich one? and wwhen did it all happen?
CG: WELL... IT ALL STARTED ABOUT THREE SWEEPS AGO, ACTUALLY.
CA: oh boy. go on
CG: I WAS FUCKING AROUND ON MY HUSKTOP AND SUDDENLY THIS RANDOM GUY MESSAGES ME.
CG: SO I ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS AND WE END UP TALKING FOR A WHILE.
CG: SO YEAH, LONG STORY SHORT, WE'VE BEEN TALKING TO EACH OTHER EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST THREE SWEEPS.
CG: AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, I REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO WHEN I GET THE CHANCE TO TALK TO HIM.
CA: oh wwoww. wwhat's his name?
CG: UH... HE WON'T TELL ME HIS NAME.
CA: ooh, a mystery man! wwhat about his blood color?
CG: HE WOULDN'T TELL ME THAT, EITHER.
CA: goddamn, kar. it's your fuckin soulmate
CG: YEAH, TOTALLY.
CA: so tell me about him, wwhat's he like?
Karkat couldn't help but smile a bit as he typed his response, making sure to talk about everything that he loved about Dave.
CA: wwoww, you really like this guy don't you?
CG: YEAH, I GUESS I DO.
CA: you guess? kar, if this is just guessin then i havve no idea wwhat it means to be flushed for someone
CG: OH HA HA, IT'S JUST A SMALL CRUSH.
CA: come on, quit lyin about it! i can tell that you're flushed for him
CA: and this ain't just some tiny fling, kar
CG: WELL FUCK, OKAY THEN. SO WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT?
CA: hmm... i wwould say find out if he has a matesprit
CG: YEAH, I KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE.
CA: howw can you be so sure?
CG: HE'S A FUCKING COOL KID, A PLAYER.
CG: HE'S PROBABLY NOT THE KIND WHO WOULD HAVE A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.
CA: that sucks. wwhy wwould you evven feel flushed for a douche like that?
CG: HEY, IT'S NOT MY DAMN FAULT.
CA: wwell...
CG: SHUT UP.
CG: I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
CA: wwell of course, kar. nobody does
CA: but sometimes wwe can't help but fall in lovve wwith someone wwho wwe're not supposed to even knoww
CG: YEAH, YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
CA: i just wwant you to knoww that i knoww howw you feel
CG: REALLY? HOW.
CA: it's a long story
CA: but let me tell you from first hand experience
CA: forbidden lovve is alwways the wworst
CA: and especially if it's one sided
CG: SHIT, THAT SUCKS.
CA: yeah, it really fuckin does
CA: you just try and ignore it but it'll never go awway
CA: and it doesn't help tryin to ignore them for a wwhile
CG: FUCK. UH. I'M SORRY YOU'VE HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT.
CA: the wworst part about it all, kar?
CA: i still fuckin go through it evvery day
CG: WITH FEFERI?
CA: wwell, her too
CG: OH.
CG: WAIT, SO YOU HAVE TWO FLUSH CRUSHES?
CA: yeah
CG: AND YOU'VE KEPT THIS HIDDEN FROM ME? WOW. YOU'RE GETTING GOOD AT HIDING SHIT.
CA: thanks i guess
There was a moment of silence as Karkat tried to figure out what to talk about next. Just as he was about to leave, the husktop dinged twice.
CA: look, kar, there's somefin i'vve been meanin to tell you for a wwhile noww
CA: anywways uh, i'm not really shore how to say this but...
Karkat clicked on the other new message before Eridan could finish and couldn't help but smile when he saw who it was.
[carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling caligulasAquarium]
[turntechGodhead has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist]
TG: hey karkat look im sorry i was a dick about your friend coming online
TG: okay just
TG: i got jealous and that wasnt cool
TG: but yeah like im sorry and all that shit
[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling turntechGodhead]
CG: IT'S FINE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
TG: oh okay sweet
TG: just like
TG: thanks for coming back
CG: NO PROBLEM. MY FRIENDS SUCK ANYWAYS.
TG: karkat, you have no clue how true that is
CG: SO ANYWAYS. I BELIEVE WE WERE TALKING ABOUT... UH. FUCK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.
TG: pretty sure it was about how epicly cool i am
TG: and how totally uncool you are
CG: THAT'S SUCH BULLSHIT! YOU ARE NOT COOL.
TG: oh excuse me
TG: im fabulous
TG: and youre just a jealous hater
CG: REMIND ME, WHAT'S THERE TO BE JEALOUS OF?
TG: oh, just about everything
TG: i mean, im the second coolest guy out there
CG: SURE YOU ARE, DAVE.
CG: SO IF YOU'RE THE "SECOND COOLEST GUY", THEN WHO IS *THE* COOLEST?
TG: you really wanna know?
CG: I SWEAR TO GOD, DAVE. DON'T YOU DARE START WITH THAT SHIT AGAIN.
TG: ahahaha alright fine
TG: goddamn youre no fun
CG: WHATEVER. BUT YEAH. I JUST, UM. I'M REALLY GLAD TO HAVE YOU AS A FRIEND.
TG: heh thanks
TG: youre a pretty damn good friend too
CG: SO UH. BEST BROS?
TG: hell yeah
TG: best bros for life
However, while Karkat and Dave continued to talk until one or the other would have to leave, a very upset prince stared at his husktop monitor with a final message typed out in purple text but he didn't have the courage to send it to his friend.
CA: kar, i'm flushed for you
Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! So sorry about the delay for updating all of my stories. I am super lazy/busy/tired, although I've been planning out a lot, especially for this story! I promise, next time we'll have an actual story instead of just pesterlog after pesterlog. Thanks so much for sticking around, and I hope you all have a great day/morning/afternoon/night!