Chapter 22
"Please I am asking for your blessing Aberforth." said Ariana as they stood in the bar together. She had gone to him two days after she had made her decision with Harry about staying on at Hogwarts. She had had to screw herself up to it, telling him. She felt as if she was letting him down or she was being ungrateful. He had always been there for her and now she was ignoring what he was saying, something she had never done before. She was going against him. She so wanted him to understand. School was more than about learning for her. It was about getting as far away from the girl she had been . The one who had the attacks. She didn't want to be her. Not any more. She didn't like her.
He looked at her. His girl was making a mistake and he knew it. This wasn't the way forward for her. But it did not change the fact he could not deny her, when she asked him for something. He never could. She was so innocent, so sweet, so sincere. She didn't mean any harm. Only good. He wished, she saw this wasn't the right way. But what could he do?? Push her away, tell her she was wrong. No. he couldn't hurt her like that.
"I want to give it to you. And if this is what you want then I think I am going to have to support you for I am not going to let you go up to the castle with out it. So yes I am going to give you my blessing. But I also want you to know you can still come home the moment you get scared. What happened Ariana, it shook you up and I do not want to see you like that again. Do you understating?" he said to her. He didn't want any of them to have to go through it ever again.
"Yeah, yeah I do." she said to him. Of course, she understood. She didn't want it to happen either.
"I just want to keep you safe." he reiterated. He put his hand of her head gently and stroked her hair with a loving smile on his face, but she saw sadness in his eyes. She didn't want him to be sad. There was nothing to be sad about.
"I know you do. And I appreciate it. I am glad you look out for me. Make me feel safe. Just like papa used too." she recalled. He looked like there papa too now, she thought to herself. More so than Albus.
"And I am glad I can make you feel like that." he said as he gave her another hug. He hoped he made her feel like that for ever. "I just hope it is enough."
"Albus I know that we are going to have to use another potion for me to stay stable. When is it going to be ready?" Ariana asked. She had had to ask.
She wanted to know.
In herself she felt as if she was ready to go back to class. She wanted to return to school life. She missed her friends. She missed being in class. She missed being a child. She had been one, if only for a short time when she had been with her friends her age. She wanted it all back once more. She had begun to fit in. Slowly, but she had.
"It is going to take a few more weeks." he said to her, wishing it would come sooner, now that it was the only thing holding her back. He was as frustrated as she was.
"In what time I might have another attacked." She sighed, annoyed. She just wanted to have it and get well.
"But if you try and keep calm sis."
"You know that I do. But you know it isn't my fault it isn't as if I don't try to keep myself calm."
"I know you do and you know I have complete respect for you. But darling this is so important for you." he said sympathetically.
She nodded.
Maybe Aberforth was right. Was she doing the right thing coming back here, she really didn't know, not any more? She was so eager, and yet she knew she was putting others in danger too. She was hardly the safest person to be about. What if she hurt someone she loved?
"Ariana you are being so brave."
"I am doing what ever other kid my age is doing. There is nothing brave about it." she said bitterly. She was doing nothing special. She wanted it to be no big deal. Only it always would be.
"But you are not every other fifteen year old are you?" he muttered.
She shook her head. She really wished she was. She wished at times she was any one else.
"Then, accept trying to keep calm, what do I do in the mean time?"
"You try to get on with your studies."
She nodded. It was all she could do and she knew it. She felt despair wave over her body. She wanted more. But fear was ever present.
"You'll get there Ariana." Albus said on seeing her so distressed. He believed that.
-
Ariana found herself in the common room. She had not yet been aloud to return to the dorm room but she had been given permission to visit her friends. It was a relief.
Ginny, Harry, Neville, Hermione and Ron walked in to find her there.
"Hey," she said as she saw them. Apart from the six of them it seemed most of the rest of the house to be out the tower, enjoying the weekend.
Harry was the first one over at her side to give her a hug. He had never easily given affection but with the girl he looked upon as a sister it was easy. He had been worried about her since she had been gone. Embracing him she sighed. She wished none of this had happened. But there was not a lot they could do about it now.
"How are you doing?" she asked Harry.
"I think I should be the one asking you that don't you?" he asked.
She shrugged. She really just didn't know any more.
"I'm ok." she lied to him. It was the easiest thing to say. And she was sick of saying how wound up she was.
"You can say the truth is you want too." he told her.
"I would if I knew what it was."
So much had gone on and she felt weak. She didn't want to talk about it. Not any more.
"Tell me about what has been going on here." She changed the subject.
"Not a lot, it is just the run up to the tournament." He shrugged.
She nodded. She wondered how much she was going to be to join in with now.
"Has it been interesting?"
Probably, thought Harry, but he had been so distracted by his worry for her he had not taken that much notice.
"No, it isn't any thing special Ariana." he shook his head.
"Well that's - good I suppose that I am not missing out. Still if it isn't interesting it is going to be a bit of a boring year here at Hogwarts isn't it?"
"I don't think there is such a thing as a boring year at Hogwarts," Neville offered up.
"Well then we are going to have to see what this year brings aren't we," said Ginny.
The conversation stopped. Ari knew out of the group, only Harry really knew what was going on with her and the rest of them just felt awkward.
She looked for a way out of the situation.
"I think I am going to go out to the lake. I need a bit of fresh air."
Harry nodded. The rest of the others stayed behind.
"I don't think that lot like me much." she admitted to him as they walked side by side.
"They like you." He tried to reassure her. They did he was sure of it.
"I make them feel awkward. I am surprised I don't make you feel awkward at times." she said to him. It was the truth. He hadn't grown up about her, he didn't know everything. Sometimes she said or did things when she was with him. How did he put up with her? Why? What did he get out of it all? She wondered…
"I was there with you all summer when you arrived. I was there with you from the first night, you couldn't make me feel awkward just by being about. Don't you remember." he asked as they stood by the lake together. Their spot. "
Not really. I remember Sirius bring there. But not you oddly enough. My first memory of you is at the party."
"Our birthday one."
She nodded. "Yup. I can't remember a lot about the summer. Harry what if I am getting worse again." she said to him. "I don't want to be mad Ariana any more. I don't like her."
"Then who do you want to be."
"I want to be Ariana the Gryffindor. The student. The mate." she said to him.
"So be her. Try to put it all behind you and carry on." he said to her. It seemed to him there was nothing else for it.
"I don't know if it is going to be so easy." she said to him.
"You can try and make it that easy. If this is going to work you have to try and believe in yourself."
"I don't think there is much to believe in."
"I do."
He looked at her. She was among the strangest people he had ever met. She was new to him, as Hogwarts still was every day. She was so talented, or she could be he thought to himself. She had many people about her who believed in her. He was always going to count himself as one of them.
--
Potions.
Ariana was heading back to class.
She didn't want to go in with the first years still, especially not for her first lesson back but she had no choice. She had to start back some where and if she didn't get in to Snape's lessons soon then she was never going to catch up. And that had to be number one priority.
She was still living in the room with her brother. She had wanted to move back into the dorm for what felt forever. He didn't think she was ready for it. She did though. She was more than ready to go and be with her friends.
Sitting this time at the back of the room she tried to keep out of Snape's vision. But it didn't help that she found it harder to read the board and see what she was trying to write.
Believe in yourself she thought and she knew she had to try. Effort was going to be everything for her over the next couple of weeks. And then she hoped everything was going to be good again. Like it was before she had had the attack. Getting back to that point was her main goal. Just to be like she had been before it had all gone so wrong. I'd be enough.
Snape came around the class to look at their work. Looking to her side she could see the first year by her side had done a lot more than she had.
And he had already humiliated one first year for not doing enough. She was sure she was going to be in trouble with him.
When he looked at her work though he didn't say anything to her. He just walked on past. Some times she wished he would say something to her though. He didn't bully her. But he made her feel at times she wasn't even there. And at times that could be worse.
At the end of the class she slopped out and up to met the others for lunch. She'd sit down, have a sandwich and get back to how she was. She had done it before. She could do it again.