Newt,
I was talking to Thomas today. I told him all about Beth. He was so surprised. He didn't know what to think about you having a sister. When I told him about our kiss, I couldn't really tell if he was happy about it or not. I'm definitely happy about it.
I guess I should mention that the shuck-face Thomas is out of our buggin' hospital. He's been doing mostly better. We both are. Or both were, I guess.
Thomas has still been acting kind of weird around me. I can definitely tell that he's buggin' happier. But something was really getting to him.
I asked him what was wrong and he kept saying 'nothing.' Newt, we both know that I am far from being stupid. Shuck it; WICKED chose me for their stupid-as-klunk trials because I'm smart! I knew there was something wrong with Thomas.
Out of no where, Thomas asked me if I knew why he jumped out of the buggin' tree. Ya, I know why he jumped! He was depressed and being shuck stupid! But that's not why. That's not at all buggin' why!
Thomas said that he jumped because he couldn't handle it anymore. Because he couldn't deal with what he'd done. Dang, I was confused. But that was just the beginning.
It didn't really seem like the shuck-face was actually bugging talking to me. He had this blank look on his face. It almost looked like he was ashamed. I definitely know what being ashamed looks.
He said that he jumped out of the tree because then, he could've been with you. But it didn't work like he planned.
I caught on quick. Thomas couldn't know if you were shuck dead, though. It was impossible. Impossible. I just said no. Because I didn't know what else to say.
Thomas met my eyes for the first shuck time. Newt, just the way he looked at me made me realize that there was something seriously buggin' wrong with whatever he was trying to tell me. It scared me. It scared me that Thomas hadn't told me yet and it scared me that I hadn't caught yet.
But, then again, I wasn't really sure that I wanted to shuck know.
He kept looking at me, but somehow looking somewhere else at the same time. Somewhere that I couldn't see. I knew that wherever it buggin' was, it was horrible.
"I killed him, Minho."
I stared. It was like I couldn't comprehend exactly what he was buggin' saying. The words soaked in and I almost laughed. It couldn't be true. This...this joke that Thomas was telling me. It's too shuck huysterical, too profound to be true.
I think I let loose some kind of short, crazy laugh.I looked at him and told him, "No. We don't know where Newt bugging is. We left him with the cranks." Because we did. That's where you are, still. Right?
Thomas looked away, but I could see something fill his eyes. Something between confusion, anger, regret, and this sadness. It's the weirdest bugging look. But, I've seen it before. In you. Right before we - I - left you. You wanted to come. You wanted to come with us so. Bugging. Badly. Yet, you didn't. I know that now. That look will haunt me forever.
Thomas told me again. "I killed him." Anger flared up inside me. I'm not shuck sure at what.
I still didn't fully know what was happening. It was unreal. A bugging nightmare. A nightmare that I never though would come true. It seems like a lot of things I think aren't right anymore.
The anger kept building up inside of me. I thought I was going to explode. Then, it hit. Every shuck thing came together and made sense. You were dead. You are dead. Thomas bugging killed you!
I exploded. I wasn't thinking by that point. That's what happens when I explode.
I slammed my fist into Thomas's cheek. He stumbled back and I started yelling. You killed him! You killed him! I wanted so badly to punch him again and again. To make him hurt physically just as much as I hurt mentally. But, I realized that he did already. He'd been hurting mentally since before we got here. So I held myself back.
Thomas said that you made him. I yelled "Bull!" Thomas kept saying it and saying it. "He made me kill him!" Like a never-ending tape. It felt like forever, but was probably only a few seconds. Still, every time he bugging said it, I broke down more and more. I was filled with more and more anger.
He shuck KILLED you! You're gone because of him! DEAD!
All of these thoughts flooded me and it was too much to take in at once. My head pounded with the same beat as my shuck heart. It was getting harder to breath. I wanted to be alone. Somewhere I could be alone to freak out. I knew I had to. But I was bugging paralyzed, stuck in that one place.
Newt, I'm pretty sure all that happened in just a matter of seconds. It must have. I felt somebody grab my arm. One of the guys that had been helping gather fruit. I hadn't cared to know his name before now. He told me to come on, to leave Thomas. That's when I finally snapped out of my thoughts.
I broke out of his shuck grip and ran. I would say I ran almost as fast as I did when we were escaping the grievers, or running from cranks. But I know that's not true. I was scared for my life, then. This time, I'm scared for yours.
I ran until I was too exhausted to run anymore. Where I stopped is where I still am now. I'm not sure exactly where it is or how i got here. It's somewhere in the forest. I'll find my way back eventually. I learned how to do that back at the bugging Glade. Man, I miss that place. Why did we ever want to get out?
I'm still trying to really process all that's happened. Trying to decide how I feel about it. I know I'm angry. Man, I'm so angry. And sad. I guess I still had this stupid shuck hope that you would show up here one day. That hope's gone, now.
Then again, maybe this is better. Better for you dead then being with all the killer cranks. If this is really what you wanted, I hope you're happy. I hope it was for the better. I hope you're shuck better.
Still. You were supposed to be safe with us. We were supposed to be some of the few people who wouldn't try killing you the first chance we got. I'm not sure now.
Maybe you are in a better place. I wish I could know that for sure. But most wishes don't come true.
-Minho