Quote of the Day:
Dean: I'm Batman!
Sam: Yeah. You're Batman.
Chapter Five –Off BalanceNathan was looking at her and smiling. They were currently at a restaurant downtown. She mentioned that it was her favorite and it was why he wanted to bring her here. The conversations of the tables surrounding them were like a buzzing in his ear as he tried his best to listen to only her. She was talking, telling him a story, he couldn't remember.
He didn't know why it was so hard to focus on her. If this had been a week ago we would have been listening to everything that she said. He would be paying attention, he would even talk a little, and at least act interested. Even then he knew in his mind all he would be thinking about was going back to her place. Get a good fix and then be done with her. She was nice enough but things would never be more between them. If he was being honest he could never really care for her. She would never have his heart and he didn't want hers. His was taken.
Now, sitting across from her, he wasn't thinking about sex. The thought alone had his stomach aching with pain. He couldn't have sex with her much less think about it. It was too much now that she was finally home. The only reason why he was here was because Courtney had been nice and kind. He didn't want to come off as a bastard to her. As he was getting ready for their…date...he hated that word now…he had told himself that he would give her this one good date and then that would be it. He wasn't going to lead her on and the thought of touching another woman now sent his heart dropping to his feet.
He really couldn't stomach the thought.
How could he touch someone else when all he saw was her face? How could he kiss this beautiful woman before him, when all he wanted was her lips? Settling for anything else was wrong and using someone was wrong as well. In his mind he knew that. Even being here now was wrong when all he was doing was thinking about her. He wanted to see her more than anything.
Just the thought alone had his heart hammering.
After last night he knew that he couldn't just show up. She had made it more than clear how she felt about him. She hated him. That thought couldn't help but make him sad. His eyes dropped down to his plate as his fists balled up under the table. He let it all in for a second before bring his hand up and lifting his fork. He took a quick bite of the chicken in his plate. Did it matter if he ate or not? Not really. He couldn't taste the chicken rolling around in his mouth. He knew that he should, but just like when she left the first time, nothing had a taste to it.
God, she looked so beautiful last night. It had driven him crazy to sit right across from her and not say anything. He had hated it! His eyes had stayed glued to her all during dinner as he watched her with fascination. He had to admit that a part of him was afraid that she would disappear again. That thought alone was enough to make him stand guard in front of her house making sure that she couldn't leave again. He wouldn't survive it.
But she was leaving! She had told him so last night. She had made it clear that she wasn't staying in Tree Hill long. How long, he wondered? It didn't matter. It would never be long enough for him. He wanted her here forever.
She had been so kind and sweet to Karen and Keith. Even with the kids. When she had first met them he knew in his heart that if they weren't around she would have cried. She had tried to hide her emotions well but he knew how to read her. It had pained her to see what she missed and in noticing her pain to this it had only pained him. He had been the one to make her leave, had he not? This is your fault!
He could hear the roar in his mind as he fought with himself. The pain and the anger were mixing in with the relief that she was finally home, the hope that she would say, and the faith that he had in her –that he always had in her. Whether she knew it or not he had always believed in her and that she would eventually find her way home. This was where she belonged and seeing her here now after soon long, felt great. To see his brother with the same relief had made him feel pride –pride that he and his brother were so much alike.
They both loved her.
She's what brought them togeher.
The image of her walking away last night flashed in his mind and it angered him. What had she been thinking wanting to walk home alone? Didn't she know the creeps that were out there? Keith had been the one to say that he was going to follow her home but Nathan quickly told him to stay. Something was pulling him to her and even with knowing that she wouldn't like it, he still followed. How could he not?
She had been everything he knew she would be. Angry. Hateful. Hurt. Pissed. Enraged. You name it. He had never seen such a tiny person display so many emotions at once. It had frightened him standing on her porch with her. If looks could kill then he would have been dead. It's not like he would have had a choice, if it's what she wanted.
Hearing her yell at him after so long of not hearing her at all, felt great. He knew that it was crazy but at least she was something at him. He wanted her anger. He welcomed it. He deserved it and so much more. He would never be able to make up for what he did to her.
Out of all the emotions that she felt last night her pain had hurt him the most. It was like a whip of stinging on his skin every second he stood there with her and even after she slammed the door on him, and long after he had gotten home. The pain had burned his skin as if someone were literally hitting him. It was justified but he could hardly stand it. He wanted to be freed of this pain that he knew he never would be free off. He didn't want to feel it. But he knew that it would always be with him. It was his punishment for losing the only good thing in his life –her.
He glanced up from his plate and noticed Courtney still talking and smiling. Her short blonde hair pushing towards her face as her bangs dangled just above her eyes. Her light blue eyes were sparkling as she talked about…her brother…that was it! The red lipstick was shining on her lips as the words flowed out of her mouth easily. She was beautiful and still it did nothing for him now. When they had first met he couldn't wait to get her into bed and now…it was killing him sitting here. He hated himself for it. Why couldn't he want her? This was going to be as good as it gets for me! He wanted to want her. He wanted that badly.
He wanted something inside of him to click and then turn the switch inside of him. She would be good for him. It would please both Brooke and Peyton. She wanted children and that was a big plus. She was nice to look at. He didn't mind her stories. She made him smile and laugh. Why wasn't this enough?
"Do I have something on my face?"
He hadn't noticed her staring with wide eyes at him. When he didn't answer right away her hands flew up and she started wiping her mouth quickly with the napkin on her lap. Say something idiot!
"No," Nathan answered with a smile.
She laughed before dropping the napkin back in her lap. "You were looking at me…like…?"
"You're beautiful. Can't a guy admire that?" Nathan challenged playfully. This seemed to please her and she smiled before reaching for his hand across the table. It felt weird but still he couldn't bring himself to pull it away. This was so wrong. What the hell was he doing?
"I don't know, can you?"
"Touché," Nathan smirked.
She released his hand a second later and brought it back to her side. "Are you ok?"
"Yup," Nathan nodded with a smile.
"You seem…" she hesitated for a few seconds, "…like a million miles away. Am I boring you? Because if I am then please tell me to stop. I tend to talk a lot and if you don't stop me then I won't know. I'm not really good at reading people."
Had he been that obvious? He searched back on lunch and how he had been when he had gotten here. He did nothing out of the ordinary. Ok, so technically he hadn't been listening, but the girl did talk a lot. Had he been the quiet throughout lunch? He sat back in his chair and quickly took a sip of his beer. The cool liquid felt amazing in his mouth and he savored the taste. What the hell was he supposed to say?
"I see," Courtney mumbled to herself.
"I'm sorry," Nathan muttered ashamed. His eyes were down on his plate again. "It's not you it's –"
"Please, not that line," Country laughed as she shook her head. "Anyone but that one."
He laughed before looking up. "What do you want me to say?"
"The truth."
She wanted the truth. What was he supposed to say? He was an idiot? He already knew that. Any guy would kill to be with someone as cool as her. He just wasn't the one for her and he knew that, just like she couldn't be the one for him. He could see them being friends but he knew that would never happen. They were both looking for something and he knew he couldn't give her what she wanted or deserved.
"This girl I used to date, uh…she came back," Nathan muttered.
Courtney nodded. "An old flame."
"Something like that. I'm just still trying to process everything that's happened in the last day and it's hard. I mean, she's been gone forever and now all of sudden she's back and it's killing me to be…away from her…I'm sorry you don't want to hear this." He gave her an apologetic look.
"This girl," Courtney started, "she means a lot to you, huh?"
"She's the one for me," Nathan answered honestly.
"Oh, I see," Courtney smiled.
She didn't seem hurt by this. Nothing serious had happened between them yet and he was glad. He loved the fact that she was unaffected by his words. But he also felt the need to explain. "…she doesn't want me the same way I want her."
"But you do want her?"
He could only nod. As much as he wanted Haley, she had hated more. After what he had done he didn't deserve to want her. But he also couldn't help it either. The desire he felt for her was always there. He saved it deep inside of him, never releasing it. It was for her and her only. It would always be a part of him.
"Well, I should go," Courtney stated before standing up. She reached for her purse before placing it on her shoulder. Taking a few steps closer to him, she bent down and kissed his cheeks softly. "I hope it works out for you." Then she was gone and he couldn't help but pray that everything worked out.
He sat there for a long time until the check came. He paid for it and tipped the waitress before leaving. He was happy to be inside of his truck as he drove away. He knew it was wrong to have hope, especially since he knew how much Haley hated him, but he still felt it in him. He wanted her too much not to have any.
~***~
He parked his Ford F150 right next to Brooke and Julian's Lincoln Navigator. He noticed the guys playing basketball and he smiled. It was just another Sunday afternoon. Getting out off his truck, he took his time as he made his way through the cars. He walked up just in time to see Hayden make a basket. Lucas took the ball and shot it before it hit the backboard and bounced away. He knew they were playing horse because Jordan was teasing Brennan about having fewer letters than him.
"That's an R, Daddy," Hayden smiled.
Lucas groaned. "Why am I after him?"
"We shot for it, remember?" Julian teased as he shot the ball.
"You want to play, Nate?" Brennan smiled.
Nathan shook his head. "Maybe, later."
"Scared?" Jordan teased smugly.
"Uncle Nathan's not scared of anything," Hayden defended him.
"Right," Jordan laughed before smirking at him. "What's the matter, Nate? Chicken?"
"Ignore him," Julian chuckled. "He had sugar for lunch!"
Lucas rolled his eyes. "That's your excuse for this little monster?"
"I'll get you later kid," Nathan chuckled.
Jordan nodded. "That is if you're still not chicken!"
"Remember that time he jumped over you and dunked?" Brennan grinned. "That was awesome! Do you think he'll do it again? Huh, Daddy?"
He chuckled as he continued walking.
He wasn't in the mood for basketball right now. That would only make him happy and he didn't want that right now. He watched the game for a few seconds before slowly making his way into the house. He could feel his brother's eyes on him but he couldn't bring himself to turn around. He made his way inside of the house and instantly heard music. He smelt something good.
He smiled as he made his way to the kitchen.
He wasn't surprised when he walked in and noticed the girls cooking. Well, Peyton was cooking as Brooke played with Anna at the table. Anna held up a piece of her sliced banana and smiled at him. Brooke wiped her mouth before looking up at him.
"How'd it go?"
Figures, he thought. What I wouldn't give to be invisible.
Instead of answering, he walked fully into the kitchen and leaned against the counter. Both girls were looking at him intently and he searched for words that could help him. In the end he found none and could only shrug.
"What was wrong with this one?" Peyton wondered before tossing the vegetables into the large pot. Once she was done she glanced over at him and waited for his answer.
Why did he come inside again?
"Nothing."
Brooke smirked. "So you're seeing her again?"
"No," Nathan muttered looking down.
"Yes!" Peyton shouted happily.
He glanced up and noticed Brooke glowering as Peyton made it to the table. The girls glared at each other for a minute, Peyton smiling and Brooke with a scowl, before Brooke handed over some money folded up in her hand. Peyton took it with a huge smile before shaking it in Brooke's face and walking back towards the stove.
"You're betting on me now?" Nathan asked while glancing between the two. This should have angered him but he couldn't find the energy to be mad at them. If it had been the other way around he would have bet on one of them just for the fun of it. It wouldn't be fair to be angry at something that he would do himself.
Peyton shrugged. "Well, now we are. Brooke thought that you would continue to see Courtney now. I tried to tell her you wouldn't but you know Brooke. She thought she was right." She rolled her eyes while Brooke continued to glare at her.
"I knew I should have cut you in," Brooke stated as she glared at Nathan.
Nathan smirked. "Now you're seeing how long it takes me to dump a girl?"
"Again, now we are," Peyton answered.
Brooke glowered. "Since she's home."
"Uh, what?" Nathan asked looking at her.
"Haley. Nathan, keep up," Peyton said snapping her fingers in his face. "Jeez."
His eyes left Peyton's and went to Brooke's. Of course, he knew that Brooke wasn't angry about Haley being home, she was just angry that she lost the bet. Brooke didn't like to lose. In fact, she hated it. He smiled smugly.
"P. Sawyer was just telling me about the infamous dinner."
"It was good," Nathan mumbled.
"Good? From what I hear you didn't say a word unless it was to Anna Banana here. What's wrong with you? Haven't you been waiting for this?" Brooke asked angrily.
"You weren't there," Nathan muttered frustrated. "You didn't see the way she looked at me. She didn't want me to say anything…she didn't want me there, Brooke. I wasn't going to make that worse with my own personal needs." And he meant that. He did need to talk to her, be around her, but more than that, he didn't want her to hate him.
"I told you."
"Who cares what she wants?" Brooke mumbled while crossing her arms over her chest.
"I do," Nathan answered.
"Well, what about what you want?"
"B. Davis has a point," Peyton stated while looking at Nathan.
Brooke smirked. "Thank you, P. Sawyer!"
"It doesn't matter what I want," Nathan said annoyed. "What matters is that I'm the one that pushed her into leaving the last time and I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. So, if she doesn't want me around then I'm not going to be around."
"Nathan," Brooke started softly.
"Don't," Nathan muttered looking at her. "Don't try and defend me."
"Ok, one, stop feeling sorry for yourself," Peyton declared while nudging his arm. "And second, she's here now. Are you just going to pretend that you haven't been pining away for her all these years?"
He grimaced. "I have not been pining!"
"Oh, you're the King of pining," Brooke chuckled while rolling her eyes. Anna liked that very much. She smiled brightly before clapping her hands together.
They both were laughing at him and he crossed his arms over his chest. He knew they were both right, he had been "pining" over her, if that's what you wanted to call it. Still didn't make it better that they were teasing him about it now. They were still laughing and now Anna was laughing along with them. That one hurt.
He stood there and took it in.
Why did Haley James always throw him off balance?
Once they were done Brooke shook her head before turning her full attention to Anna. She played with the little girl and Peyton went back to cooking. It was like nothing happened and when Peyton started chopping the meat right next to him, he reached for a knife and helped. They were quiet as they cut the meat into tiny chunks. It wasn't long until she hit her side into his and smiled up at him.
"I'm meeting her tomorrow."
"I know."
"Well, is there anything you want me to ask? I will, you know. For you." She beamed at him like it was a big deal.
He thought about it for a second. "Why is she back?"
"That's what you want me to ask?"
"Yeah. I just want to know why she's here all of a sudden after all these years. What could she possibly want here? I've been thinking about it…and I'm sure she's come back for Lucas…for their friendship."
"Maybe, she came back for you," Brooke stated as she placed the empty bowl in the sink.
Nathan didn't bother taking his eyes off of the cutting board. "I doubt that."
"Is that so hard to believe?"
"She told him…" he took a deep breath before looking at both of them, "…she said that I broke her heart." Lucas had killed him with those words. It had been something that he didn't want to hear. In the end it only made him hurt more knowing that he hurt her. All these years he had thought the exact same thing that Lucas told him and now to know that it was true, well, it only made it a million times worse.
"He told us," Brooke nodded.
"You're not that guy anymore," Peyton stated.
"You're different. You're good now and you're sweet and kind. And don't let this go to that big ego of yours but you're kind of funny, too," Brooke added.
Peyton winked at Brooke before looking back at him. "Did we mention sexy?"
"Very sexy," Brooke agreed.
"I know you both want me," Nathan smirked. They both rolled their eyes before going back to what they were doing before. They had made him feel a little better. They always did. They always knew how to cheer him up. He loved that about them. These girls were too good to him.
"So she's back," Peyton mumbled.
Nathan felt his heart pound in his chest. "She's not staying long."
"I figured," Peyton mumbled to herself.
Nathan felt Brooke's hand on his back. "That doesn't give us much time!"
"Time for what?" Peyton asked skeptically.
"To get her back and to get her to stay, duh!" Brooke declared while pushing herself between the two of them.
"Don't –"
"Go on," Peyton urged.
"You do want her, don't you?" Brooke questioned while locking eyes with him.
He glanced away. "You know I do."
"Then you should fight for what you want," Brooke told him.
"She's right," Peyton agreed.
"It's not that simple," Nathan muttered before placing the chunks of meat into the pot. He lifted the big spoon in his hands and stirred it around. He watched as his actions caused everything in the pot to move in one circular motion. His eyes stayed glued to it as the girls started talking between themselves.
He knew that they just wanted him to be happy, but what about Haley's happiness. Didn't they notice how sad her eyes were now? Didn't they notice the light gone? She was so different from the girl he remembered. She wasn't the one from his dreams. This Haley was angry and cold. He didn't know how or even if he could get pass that. Would she even want him to?
No matter what, he wanted her to stay and he wanted her. Brooke was right. Some things are just worth fighting for. But how? He could he fight for a heart that he clearly broke all those years ago? How could he get pass the wall that she built around her? How could he get in and show her just how much she meant to him? He didn't see a way.
~***~
It was right after dinner when he got the call from Owen. He had been surprised to hear from him and when Owen told him that she was in Tric and really drunk, he rushed right over. He didn't even tell anyone that he was leaving he was in such a rush. It only made things worse that Owen told him that she was more than really drunk.
He parked his truck quickly. A few other cars in the parking lot looked familiar but a few others didn't. It was Sunday night which meant that the place wasn't that packed. Walking inside he noticed that there were fewer people than he expected.
He walked calmly towards the bar where Owen was wiping down the counters.
"Where is she?" Nathan asked quickly.
Owen pointed towards the back of Tric. There she was in the middle of a group of guys. They were all laughing and all clearly drunk. One of the guys touched her shoulder and he felt something stir inside of him. He didn't know what it was but he didn't like it.
"She's been like that all night," Owen stated.
He turned to glare at him. "Why didn't you cut her off?"
"I tried," Owen answered. "But she told me that Lucas was her best friend and she said that she would get me fired and then she stole the bottle from over the counter when I wasn't looking. She came in alone and I would have called a cab except that you told me call you if she even comes in and so I did."
"You're right, sorry," Nathan mumbled.
Owen gave him a nod before going back to work. "Good luck."
He walked quickly across the dance floor until he made it to their little group. A few guys glared at him and he pushed his way through until he was standing right in front of her. She smiled and he could instantly smell the liquor on her breath. He reached for her arm and held it firmly in his hands.
The last time he had seen Haley like this had been on the beach a long time ago. They had skipped school and he had never seen her drunk before. They were having such a good time until his father ruined it. Haley throwing up on Dan had been one of the best moments of his life back then.
"We're leaving," Nathan stated as he tried to pull on her.
The beefy guy next to her wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into him.
"Relax bro. I'm giving her a ride home, ain't that right, honey?" He rubbed her cheek with his free hand.
"Don't touch her," Nathan growled before he pulled her again. This time her body jerked towards his. He pulled her close to him and she was laughing.
"Cut it out, Nathan," Haley giggled. "I'm just having a little fun!"
"Yeah, we're just having a little fun."
"Party's over," Nathan stated while glaring at them. Then without another word he pulled Haley away and dragged her out of the club. Once they were outside she started trying to fight until he let go of her arm.
"I'm not going anywhere with you," Haley said glaring at him. "I don't need your help. I was just having a little fun. Do you always have to ruin everything? I'll get my own ride home. I am not leaving with you!"
"Yes you are," Nathan mumbled before reaching for her again. She backed away.
"Don't touch me," Haley hissed. "All you ever do is hurt me!"
He closed the distance between them and lifted her in his arms. Tossing her over his shoulder, he headed for his truck with her kicking and screaming. He placed her in the truck and put the seatbelt around her before rushing to the other side and jumping in. He took off quickly before she had a chance to try and get out. She glared at him before looking out of the passenger window.
He didn't care how angry she was. He wasn't just going to leave her with those drunken idiots back there. Who knew what they might have done to her? She clearly wasn't herself right now. This wasn't Haley.
They made it to her house ten minutes later and Nathan quickly got out and pulled her into his arms. At least she wasn't fighting him anymore. He walked them to the door and then he glanced at her. The door was locked.
"Keys?"
"In my pocket," Haley mumbled before giggling. "Why did you ruin my night? I was having fun until you showed up and pulled me away. I don't need you. She should have stayed away like I wanted!" She was glaring at him now.
"I bet you were having fun," Nathan muttered to himself as he reached into her pocket for the keys. It was seconds later when he felt them and tried to pull them out.
Then he felt her small hand on his chest. She pushed her hand into his shirt and started rubbing his chest. His eyes, which were on her hand, moved to her face. She was smiling as she rubbed his chest and he fought to keep his eyes open. What was happening?
"W-what are you doing?" Nathan stammered.
She looked at him innocently, her smile fading. "Don't you want me?"
Fuck yes, he thought. It was hard keeping his mind straight and his eyes open. Her soft hand was moving perfectly over his skin. Her hands were so soft and tender. They were warm and wherever she touched it suddenly made him hot. His skin was burning as soon as her hand left one spot to move to another. What was she doing? This was wrong...but it felt so good. He hadn't felt this in so long...
"Stop it," Nathan said huskily.
He turned away from her face, looking at the keys in his hand. There were at least six different keys around the small ring. Which one was the fucking house key? Before he had time to think he felt her lips on his neck. She shifted her body in his arms as she placed a soft kiss on his neck. Her warm lips pressed into his skin and his eyes snapped shut. She was killing him here!
"I see the way you look at me," Haley murmured against his skin. She was leaving a small trail of wet kisses along his skin. "You want me now, don't you?" Her voice was a little smug.
I always want you, he thought. He knew it was wrong. He knew that. But it felt so fucking good. He didn't want her to stop. This is what he wanted. Fuck it!
"It's the way I look now, isn't it?" Haley taunted. "You want me now that I look like this, don't you? You're not embarrassed of me anymore, huh?"
It was like a bucket of cold water fell down on him. His eyes opened as she continued to kiss his neck. His breathing was hard and instead of answering her he tried a key into the door. It wasn't the right one. Fuck!
"Don't try and act noble now," Haley giggled while removing her lips from his neck. Her hand moved to his face and she pushed until he was looking at her. "I'm giving you what you want…what you've always wanted. This is what you wanted the first time, Nathan, isn't it? To sleep with me…the ultimate revenge." She laughed bitterly as his eyes snapped shut at her words. It was like a lash of pain again.
"You don't know what you're talking about," Nathan muttered.
"Don't I?" Haley giggled. "Come on, Nathan. We both know who you really are. Let me join the ranks with every other girl in Tree Hill. I'm giving you what you want, take it! You don't even have to pretend to care about me this time."
"Which one's the key, Haley?" Nathan asked holding up the keys. "This isn't you. Stop it."
"I hate you. Why couldn't you have just left me alone?" Haley whispered.
She didn't take her eyes off of his face. He couldn't look back at her. Not now. He tried each key until the last one fit perfectly into the knob. He opened the door and was thankful that Taylor wasn't home. He walked them upstairs to her room. He then placed her on the bed. She was sitting there just looking at him. He kept his eyes on her feet as he slowly removed the hills she wore. He took each one off carefully before tossing them towards the closet. Looking up he noticed her eyes closing before opening again.
She was drunk. He could smell it from where he was on the ground.
He stood up and helped her until her head was resting on the pillow. He reached for the blanket and pulled it over her body, covering her. He couldn't help himself. He sat down and pushed the hair out of her face. Then it was all he could do not to look at her. She was so beautiful.
Without a word, he dragged himself unwillingly away from her. He made his way out of the house that he thought he never would see again. It was exactly as he remembered it. He locked and closed the door behind him before making his way to his truck.
Once he was inside, he slammed the door hard before his fists balled. Then he was slamming them into the steering wheel as hard as he could. Once all of his anger was out he leaned his head down. Why was the biggest mistake of his life the hardest one to let go? Why when he looked at her he still felt like a seventeen year old boy? Why did she still make him feel this way? Even with her mean words and the guilt she made him feel, he still wanted her. He didn't know what the fuck was wrong with him?
Getting his Haley back would be the fight of his life. He might never get her back. Even with that knowledge, he knew that he had to try. He had to. He had to try. It was the only way that the pain in his heart would stop. He didn't know how but he was going to try.