Author Note: Thanks to my betas, CallistoLexx and tamelaine. Also to the Twinster and Angel, who have been unbelievably supportive during the last few days, when I thought I had either writer's block or a serious case of burnout. The good news is that it's clearly not either of the two, cause we're totally back on track.
This is a bit shorter of a chapter than usual for me, but it's so sad, I figured you guys wouldn't want to deal with 5,000+ words of heart fail. So only 3,000+ words of heart fail.
Songs are up on my profile.
Oh, one more thing. I swore to her I would do this, so here it is: PLEASE CHECK OUT THE TWINSTER (Debussy-This)'s NEW STORY. . .PAGING DR. LOVE--IT KICKS MY ASS WITH ITS AWESOMENESS.
APOV
After kissing me, Jasper had said I was irresistible.
Why did I think that to him, in that moment, irresistible was the worst thing on the planet? The expression on his face had been virulently self-loathing. I knew, deep down, that to him, the kiss was a mistake. I just didn't know why he hadn't been honest.
Wishing desperately that he hadn't tried to hide the truth, I stood facing the spot in the kitchen where our lips had met for the first time. I'd been trying to resist coming here since I'd gotten up, and I'd failed about fifteen times so far. My heart kept wanting to return to the scene of the crime.
The clock on the microwave read 2 PM.
2 PM and nothing had gotten done. Not one single closet, not one cupboard.
When the alarm had gone off this morning, I'd simply ignored it and rolled over, my eyes closing, but sleep wasn't forthcoming. I knew I couldn't work, so not even leaving the bed, I'd grabbed my cell and called in sick, thinking I'd have an opportunity for some apartment reorganization without the bothersome presence of Bella or Rosalie.
I couldn't even remember the last time I'd called in sick when I wasn't sick. Except maybe I was sick—just in mind, not in body.
I was beginning to realize that I'd let him close enough to break my heart all over again. I wasn't sure who I hated more, Jasper or myself.
Why couldn't I be smart enough or at least self-preserving enough to keep away from him?
During the last week, I'd watched as Bella waited patiently—or not so patiently—for Edward's calls and texts. I watched Rosalie retreat into herself, trying to preserve the wall she'd kept between her and the world.
And I waited, for something I knew was never going to happen.
Unlike Bella, I had no reason to believe that Jasper would call.
And unlike Rosalie and Emmett, there was no past history that drew us together, like moths to a flame.
Like always, I was alone, but this time, it was harder to resign myself to this inevitable fate. I'd tasted something infinitely better, even for a few seconds, and trying to shift my life back into normalcy was proving onerous. More like fucking heartbreaking, I grumbled to myself.
Last night, I'd been forced to watch Bella come floating home on a cloud, and I'd known for sure that something important had happened between her and Edward, though I didn't have the heart to pump her. I'd noticed her hurt expression at my reticence, but I hadn't been able to find the voice to ask the question to her answer.
I'd gone to bed almost immediately after, unable to meet her sympathetic eyes one second longer. I supposed the despair was written all over my face. I told myself that really, it was better that I hadn't asked. If I had, I would have burst into tears, and then I'd have been subjected to Bella sympathy.
I loved my sister, and I wanted her to find happiness with Emmett, but surely there had to be a way that didn't cause me to cry my eyes out every night. I couldn't continue this. Using my heart as bait for Jasper was no longer a feasible plan if I wanted to stay out of a straitjacket and a padded cell.
I straightened my shoulders and my back. I already felt better. Okay, that was a lie. I felt worse, but I was determined to feel better regardless. I would not wander aimlessly around my apartment because Jasper Cullen had broken my heart again. I was stronger and better than that. At least that was what I liked to think.
This self-empowerment lasted about five minutes until my phone rang, and diving for it, I noticed the caller ID.
I dropped my 400 Blackberry like it was a hissing cobra and it bounced on the hardwood floor.
Gingerly, I edged towards it, and took comfort in the fact that there were no small black plastic pieces littering the floor.
I picked it up and hesitantly clicked on the missed call button. Damn. I hadn't been hallucinating before. He really had called. Christ.
I plopped down hard on a barstool and just sat there for about five minutes, staring at the phone in front of me. At his name. Jasper Cullen. I traced the characters on the screen.
At that moment, I knew that there was no way I'd be able to walk away. I didn't even care why he had called. All that mattered was that I knew I loved him, and I would do whatever it took to be close to him—even if he didn't feel the same way about me. It was almost enough just to be near him. Almost.
Who was I kidding?
I was going to stick by his side like glue until he realized that he loved me too.
Taking a deep breath, I clicked on my most recent call, and stared for one last minute before I clicked Jasper's number. There was no going back now.
I tapped my foot nervously on the floor as the phone rang.
Finally, just as the wait was beginning to be unbearable, he picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hi. It's Alice. You called?"
"Um. Oh yeah."
What? He'd forgotten he'd called me less than ten minutes ago? Did he have zero short term memory?
I could feel myself growing annoyed. "And why did you call me?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
"About?" I knew there was a harder than typical edge to my voice but I couldn't turn it off. It was all that was saving me from going all swoony and breathless and shit at the fact that he'd wanted to talk to me.
Maybe this wouldn't be as difficult as I'd thought. Maybe he'd really meant that I was irresistible.
"Well, what I have to say would probably be better in person. Can you take a break from work?"
Shit. There's no way I can tell him the reason I stayed home from work.
"Sure," I lied as smoothly as I could. "But actually I took a vacation day today, so I'm free whenever. What did you have in mind?"
"Can I come to your house?"
My heart dropped to the floor. "Of course," I replied, completely unable to keep the hesitation and stutter from my voice. "When?" Please tell me I have at least an hour. Just one hour, God, that's all I ask for.
"An hour?"
It was almost as if God and Jasper had melded into one being. All these were good signs so far.
"Great. Sounds good." Adrenaline was racing through my veins and I could barely see or think straight, the thoughts were flying through my head so fast. Almost instantaneously I had a mental list of about fifteen things that had to be done before Jasper showed up.
"Okay, see you then." He hung up and I shot to my feet. I had to look my very best in only an hour. Typically, this would not be a problem. After all, he'd kissed me the first time with me straight out of bed. But I had to look more irresistible than before. So irresistible that he forgot everything he wanted to say and took me straight to bed. Or to the floor. Or against a wall.
Exactly one hour later there was a knock on the door.
What? He'd decided to knock this time? Not just come barreling in and scare the shit out of me?
I took one last look in the mirror, tweaked a hair into place even though it already looked perfect, and headed toward the door.
When I opened it, he was standing there, and all I could think was that it was so unfair that he was so uncompromisingly gorgeous. He looked sterner than I'd seen him since high school, and I felt a small tremor of foreboding shiver down my spine.
"Jasper," I said brightly, trying to dispel the sudden sense of despair that threatened to envelop me. He had not come here to metaphorically kill me. He was here to tell me he cared about me—that he wanted me. I had to keep believing that for my own sanity.
"Alice," he replied, and I stepped aside to open the door wider and let him in. Suddenly the foyer that had seemed perfectly sized before was too small for the two of us. Jasper wasn't an enormous person, by any means, but his presence filled the space, and the distance between us felt like it was closing. If only he would stop looking at me so strangely, so intensely. That in itself was worrisome.
"You look. . ." he drifted off, then cleared his throat, and tried to continue, "beautiful. Really really beautiful." His voice was low and rough.
"Oh?" I raised one eyebrow and tried to give him my most seductive look. It was, however, difficult to look seductive when you were short and small and flat in all the places you should be round.
Apparently, though, it must have worked because all of a sudden my feet were off the floor and he was surrounding me, and kissing me. This kiss was completely different than our first kiss—that had been acknowledged and almost agreed upon by both of us before it happened. It had been passionate, but he had been completely in control.
This time, it felt like his control had just snapped. And oh, that was a wonderful thing.
"Alice," he nearly moaned as our lips moved frantically together, like we couldn't get enough. Well, I knew for sure that I couldn't.
Then, just as suddenly as the kiss began, it ended.
He thrust me away from him, and stared at me like I was some sort of temptress a la Hester Prynne.
"Alice," he repeated, and this time I could tell that his control was back and unfortunately for me, stronger than ever. "We need to talk."
The bad feeling at the base of my stomach grew.
"About what?" I tried to smile, but I knew it came out looking more like a grimace instead. Why did he do this to me? Did he get his rocks off on torturing me?
"Alice," he sighed. "This has been such a . . .mistake."
I could only gape at him as he continued, my heart shattering one word at a time.
"I know that we pretended to be close to help out Emmett and Rosalie, and I would be willing to still do that. Obviously, they want each other."
I nodded, transfixed by the dark, bleak look in his eyes. Maybe if I focused on something other than what he was saying, it wouldn't feel as if he were plunging a dagger into me, over and over.
"But I never should have touched you when we were alone."
Don't cry, I ordered myself. Please don't cry. Don't let him see that he is tearing you to pieces.
"What about. . .just now?" My voice cracked at the end, and I wanted to sink through the floor in humiliation. If he hadn't known what his words were doing to me before, he knew now, and I wanted to kill him for it. Could I retain none of my pride?
Jasper ran his fingers through his hair, and I was just dumb enough, just stupid and naïve and girlish enough, to still want him in that moment, even though he was doing the best job he could to break my heart.
"That was. . .another mistake."
I wanted to kick him in the shins, then castrate him slowly and painfully.
How could he kiss me one moment then tell me in the next that it was a mistake? Obviously he wanted me in some way—and how could that way be so wrong?
I was determined to talk him out of this. There was no way he could really mean what he was saying.
"But you did kiss me. It's not like I forced you to. You did it twice, even. Both times were at your instigation." I made sure my voice was hard and a little tough. That way he couldn't hear the pain.
"I know, god, I know. And I am so sorry." He sounded so bereft and sad and lost that in any other circumstances I would have felt sorry for him. I would have comforted him. But right now, I was the only one who needed comfort.
"Don't be sorry!" I yelled. "Make some damn sense once in awhile. You don't just go around kissing girls and then apologizing for it."
"You're mad. I deserve it," he mumbled, his face contorted in some form of masochistic pain.
I didn't want him to deserve it. I wanted him to take it back.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I stayed stonily silent. I was still afraid I'd burst into tears and then he'd see what he'd really done to me.
"God, Alice, I just want to be friends again."
Friends? Friends? Did he really think that we could be fucking friends again after this shit he'd pulled?
Yet, even as I opened my mouth to tell him to go fuck himself, I knew I couldn't actually say it. I still wanted him. I still loved him. God, would I ever learn?
"Okay."
His head shot up, almost as if he was surprised I'd be so agreeable. Hell, I didn't want to acquiesce to his over-the-top demands, but what could I do? I knew it would be worse to say no, and then probably never see him again. I was like an addict and I needed my Jasper hit.
"Are you sure?"
Absolutely not.
"Of course."
Jasper sighed again, but this time it was in relief. How could he be so convinced that he didn't want me, but then be so relieved when I didn't kick him to the curb? There was something here that wasn't making sense, but in my fragile state, I didn't want to go poking around the logistics.
"So we're fine?"
Was he crazy? Of course we're not fine, but I can't deny you a single damn thing, so we're going to have to be—at least for now.
"Yes," I replied, far from sure, nearly destroyed even, but determined not to let him know the truth.
"Great," he smiled, and it was genuine. He was glad. Gah. Why had I been so easy on him?
Oh, that's right. I loved him aka I was stupidity personified.
"Yeah," I said, not trusting myself to either throw myself on him again, or tackle him to the ground and kill him.
"Well, I've got to get going. I'm just glad we're on the same page." Jasper moved toward the door and I had to fight the urges again. Love and hate swirled inside of me and if I wasn't forcing my head up and my knees straight, I would have crumpled to the ground.
Oh me too. Me too. Dickhead.
"Okay. I'll see you later," I said. Just go now before I start sobbing hysterically in front of you.
"Bye," he said, and I shut the door behind him and immediately sagged against the wood, my knees no longer wanting to hold me upright.
All my hopes and dreams had come to this? To this? To him apologizing for wanting me?
I sank down to the floor and stared blindly at the tile I'd picked out only a year ago. I'd been so happy. So ridiculously happy to be able to pick out some damn tile. I would trade every material thing I owned for Jasper to not see me as a mistake.
This time I couldn't stop the tears. There was nothing to prevent them from falling in a cascade of destroyed hopes. I sat in front of the door, on the hard tile floor, for what felt like hours, and cried until I felt empty. Empty, but still in pain.
Finally, I got up off the floor, my disused muscles shrieking at me, and made my way to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, I saw the remnants of the destroyed makeup I'd spent so long perfecting before his arrival. My face was gaunt, the emotional upheaval I'd gone through clearly evident. Glancing at the clock on the clock on the wall, I was shocked to see it was only 4 PM. I would have enough time to calm down and try to repair the damage before Rosalie and Bella came home.
Part of me knew that I should tell them about my conversation with Jasper, but most of me hated the idea of them sympathizing with me over my great humiliation.
Glancing around for something to do to fix my ruined face and heart, I knew instantly that a hot bath was the best idea I could come up with.
I ran the water as hot as I could stand, lit some nice calming aromatherapy candles around the bathroom, turned the overhead lights off, and sank down with a deep relaxing breath into the hot water.
The water was so hot it nearly scalded my skin and I felt the emotional upheaval of the last hour slowly begin to seep out of me. This was exactly what I'd needed.
Finally, a good half an hour later, I was finally feeling marginally better. The water had cooled, and as I climbed out and wrapped a towel around myself, I started shivering a little bit.
I glanced at the mirror and felt an intense relief that the shadows and pain on my face had finally dissipated. I still looked a bit bloodshot from all that crying, but it was a lot better than it had been.
Good, I thought, cause Rosie and Bella are going to be home soon and they'll notice pronto if I look hideous.
I opened the bathroom door and headed down the hall to my room, and had almost gotten there when I heard the front door open. Damn it, I thought I'd have more time.
"Alice?" Bella's voice rang out through the townhouse. She sounded disgustingly happy.
"I'm here," I called, and tried to dance out into the living room with some semblance of my normal self intact.
Luckily, she was so self-absorbed in her own happiness—it was practically radiating off of her, I thought with disgust—she didn't even notice my pallor or my reddish eyes.
"I have great news," she sang, sounding suspiciously like an old version of myself. Before Jasper had come back into my life and dismantled me.
"Yeah?" I asked, fidgeting with the top of my towel.
"All of us are going to dinner tonight!"
My heart sank into the bottom of my stomach. "All of us?"
"Yep! You, me, Rose, and all the boys."
I wanted to ask her if Jasper was coming, but that would have piqued her curiosity and I wasn't in the mood to deflect her inquisitiveness.
"Great," I tried to enthuse, not being able to think of a single thing I'd rather do less than go to dinner with Jasper and try to pretend that he hadn't just ripped the heart from my body and stomped it into pieces.
"We've got to hurry and get ready," she said, eyes shining with happiness. I didn't have the heart to tell her how I really felt about the dinner plans that she and Edward had clearly concocted together.
"So you and Edward then?" I asked with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.
"Well yes," she said, giggling rather inanely, "but dinner was actually something Rose and I came up with."
My eyebrows shot to my hairline. "You and Rose?"
She was voluntarily offering to break bread with Emmett? This was bad. Very bad. Or good, if I could try to focus on someone other than myself for half a second.
As if on cue, the front door opened again, and Rose walked into the living room, a big smile on her face.
Was I the only one who remembered that the Cullens were trouble? Had aliens taken my two best friends and brought me these happy, lovesick zombies in their place?
"Al, did Bella tell you our plans?" Rose was trying, at the very least, to retain some of her bored sophistication, but I saw right through that. She was excited, and couldn't really hide it.
"Oh yes." How many times was I going to have to fake excitement?
"You need to go get ready," Bella insisted. "Did you take a bath when you got home from work?"
"Yeah," I lied, "it was just a bit of a rough day." Understatement of the century.
"Oh, are you okay?" Bella asked sympathetically.
I waved my hand blithely. "I'm fine. All good."
"You sure?" Rose asked with concern.
"Oh, I'm fine. Not a problem."
"You're up for dinner then?" Bella asked excitedly.
"Definitely."
"Then go get dressed, we need to leave in half an hour."
Normally, this would have sent me into a panic attack, but the emotional upheaval of the day had drained me even my usually bottomless energy. I could get ready in thirty minutes—especially if I didn't care what I looked like.
I turned to walk toward my bedroom to get dressed, knowing I wouldn't be able to fake those two out for much longer. I had to get away before I broke down again.
How on earth was I going to get through an entire dinner? With Jasper?
I shut my bedroom door behind me and felt the tears start to leak again.
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