SPOILERS IN THIS CHAPTER: Up to episode 14 of Season 2 – "Bodyguard of Lies".

ALLIANCE – CHAPTER 06

Weakness

The sun rose and almost nothing was left of Tondc.

Images of people crying, children dying and horses running on fire were now printed inside Clarke's head, making a fine addition to the collection she was gathering since the day she arrived on Earth.

Lexa remained cold, showing no signs of regret for what she had done, and it was her people burning inside the ruins of the village. Clarke felt like this Lexa had almost nothing in common with the girl she saw the day before, vulnerable enough to let her emotions not only show, but to be fully felt. Now the Commander had returned, just like she remembered from the day they first met. Before they quietly spoke confessions about their pasts. Before they made decisions and planned wars and eat side by side in silence. Before they shared a bed and maybe a little more. Before they got married.

The pain for murdering so many people didn't ease when she shot the sniper that commanded the bombing. He was just another casualty.

In the back of her mind Clarke couldn't help wondering if all of this was worth it. Clarke had left hundreds of innocents die so she could save 48 of her people. Forty-eight. And more would perish before she could get them back; not only soldiers, but people who had nothing to do with all of this, just like she used to be when she was back on the Ark and saw criminals being floated into space to pay for what they had done. Those crimes just seemed so unimportant now, compared to this. How many of them would had been floated if they did back home what they were doing every single day on the ground?

She did nothing back then to stop the executions. But now she had a say.

And ironically enough, her say was to kill.

OOOOOO

Abby didn't know anymore if she was more disappointed at her daughter or at herself for letting her become this person. She was just getting used to the feeling that her work on Clarke was done and now the girl should follow her own path. The mistakes of the past, however, would linger for a long time on the back of her conscience. Either way, there was nothing to be done now.

After spending the whole night tending the hurt and hopelessly trying to save the lives of those who were barely standing, Abby felt exhausted. She washed her hands of the blood as soon as she got back to Camp Jaha and fell on her bed, but sleep wouldn't come easily, not after everything she saw.

She had a duty not only as a mother but as a Chancellor, so she gathered the last of her strength and got out of her chambers so she could talk to Clarke.

Her daughter was also fully awake, walking around her tent as she packed her stuff.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"I'll join the Grounders at first light tomorrow so me and Lexa can finish planning the attack."

Abby shivered a little when she heard her daughter's voice. When had she become this cold commander whose only preoccupation in life was war?

"You should get some rest, Clarke."

The blonde suddenly stopped and turned around to face her mother, looking a little annoyed.

"Why are you worried about me, mom? I thought you were too disappointed about what I did. You don't seriously think I deserve to rest after I killed all those people."

Abby closed the distance between her and Clarke, putting her arms on the girl's shoulders.

"I honestly don't know who you are anymore, Clarke, but I'm trying really hard to understand the person you have become."

Clarke just nodded, chewing back and swallowing the words she wanted to say. She wanted to tell her mother that all Abby ever did was judge, but she couldn't take a moment to put herself on Clarke's place and try to understand her decisions. Clarke just didn't want to fight anymore, at least for today. Tomorrow they would have all the time in the world to do that.

"Why didn't you tell me about your marriage?" Abby decided to just blurt it out, since it was probably the last moment in a while that she would have an opportunity to talk to her daughter in peace.

Clarke wasn't as shocked as she thought she would be by her mother's discovery. Maybe she had gotten a little numb after all that had happened yesterday.

"Why? Did you wanted to walk me down the isle?"

Her tone was bitter. It had been like this lately, especially with her mother.

"This is serious, Clarke", she continued in a warning tone. "You should have told me. This sort of thing is a political move, I should had been there to advise you."

"Against it, I bet."

"Yes. I don't like Lexa and you know it. I don't trust her."

"Well, I do", she stated firmly. "And that's quite enough for me, because I am the one who married her."

Abby stood back, crossing her arms and clenching her jaw. Clarke just resumed packing her things, almost done with the task by now.

"Was that the only reason you married her? To form a stronger alliance?"

The younger woman raised her head again, making eye contact with her mother. So that's what Abby was afraid of.

"Are you asking if I'm in love with her?"

Abby didn't say anything, but never looked away, waiting for a straight answer.

"We respect each other. We share mutual trust. That is all."

The Chancellor shrugged, deciding that she wasn't going to get any more information from her daughter tonight. Maybe it was better to leave her and just try to get some rest.

"You seem very secure talking on her behalf, Clarke", she said before leaving, "but just because you don't love her doesn't mean she feels the same way."

OOOOOO

The Grounder's camp was mounted barely outside the acid fog's reach, just waiting for the weapon to be shut down so they could attack. The plan was getting more elaborate thanks to Bellamy's info, but there was still some work to be done and the commanders from the other clans were getting anxious. Lexa paced around her tent, nervously waiting for Clarke to arrive so they could start working.

Indra didn't miss her anxiety.

"Why is taking her so long to get here", asked Lexa to no one in particular.

"She's on her way, Heda. It's a long ride from her camp and the Sky People are very slow in the forest." There was no emotion on the general's voice, since she didn't approve that jittery behavior on her Commander.

"We have a lot of work to do."

Indra sighted and ordered the other guards to leave the tent with a hand gesture, sensing it was time for her to have a little talk with Lexa.

"Heda, I must ask permission to speak freely."

Lexa knew she wasn't going to like this but conceded anyway. Indra always was able to talk some sense into her head, and that was much needed right now.

"Granted. What is it, Indra?"

"You must stop this right now. It's making you forget your responsibilities and it might cloud your judgment in battle."

"What are you referring to?" Lexa didn't like pretending she didn't know what Indra was talking about, but she wasn't ready to admit it just yet.

"People have been talking. About you and the Sky girl."

"And what has been said of us?"

"It is known that you two share a bed. This is a problem."

Lexa's face remained blank, but she took some distance to clear the air, breaking eye contact with Indra briefly.

"Our connection is merely convenient, Indra. We stick together so our people will do the same."

"With all due respect, Heda, you can show your bond without inviting her to your bed."

Lexa turned around fast and glared at Indra with anger, but the general didn't even flinch.

"Be careful, Indra. You are crossing a line."

"I'm sorry if I offended you with my words", retreated Indra, lowering her head. "I will leave you now."

Even though the general was usually very harsh, she respected the Commander above all things. It was very bold of her to bring up the subject, but she had to – she was afraid that Lexa would let feelings blind her in such dangerous times, when people needed their Heda the most.

Lexa knew about this and immediately regretted shutting Indra down. Of course she didn't like to discuss this matter because she knew it was a weakness; however she must be wise enough to let more experienced members of her clan give advice when it was required.

"Wait", she said before Indra could leave. "I know you only mean the best for all of us, Indra, and so do I."

"I know, Heda."

"This thing between me and Clarke… It's just for the time being. I won't let feelings be brought onto this matter."

Lexa wasn't sure whether Indra believed her or not, but the general didn't give any signs of doubting her. As she was almost leaving the tent, Clarke appeared on he tent's entrance, looking like she didn't have a good night of sleep.

"Welcome, Clarke of the Sky People", greeted Lexa, trying to hide the anxiety from her voice. "We have a lot of work to do."

"Let's get to it."

Clarke approached Lexa in front of the table where their strategy laid and Indra surely didn't miss the way the Commander was looking at the blonde before she left the tent.

OOOOOO

They spent the entire day going over every single step of the plan, reviewing all the details, polishing their strategy. In theory, it looked like a great rescue plan, but the reality was a little more discouraging – in order for this whole mission to succeed, Bellamy would have to bring down the acid fog by himself, Raven and Wick would have to blow up the five energy engines and the rest of the army would have only one minute to explode the lock of the main door. If any of these steps failed, the whole plan would fall apart. The Grounder prisoners and the reminders of the Hundred would be killed inside Mt. Weather.

Clarke was doing her best to not think about it in such a pessimist light, but with so many lives on her hands she found it really hard to not do so. Lexa, on the other hand, seemed almost relaxed. The blonde didn't even notice when the brunette opened her heavy coat and laid down on the corner of her tent, watching Clarke from a distance. When she did, she suddenly realized it was the first time she had seen Lexa in such an intimate moment, and couldn't help letting her eyes wonder a little low, reaching the girl's cleavage for the briefest moment before looking back up.

Lexa asked Clarke to rest a little so she would be fit for battle the next morning. The other girl didn't take the request very well and confessed she was worried about Bellamy's sake.

That's when Lexa's mask started to fall off again, and this time it didn't seem to be coming back any time soon.

You care about him, she inquired.

I care about all of them.

But you worry about him more.

Clarke didn't have the stomach for this kind of thing right now. Not in the middle of a war, on the verge of an attack that had everything to be suicidal.

OOOOOO

Less than an hour later, Lexa felt her bedrolls shift when Clarke's body came into view. The blonde laid down slowly, as if she wasn't resisting to it, and Lexa knew she was finally being defeated by tiredness. It was about time.

The Commander kept quiet when the girl came closer, her back almost touching Lexa's breasts. The bedroll was big enough for them to sleep keeping some distance, but Clarke simply chose to lay down by Lexa's side. Close.

The blonde decided to not give any type of explanation since Lexa didn't seem to be bothered by her presence. The truth was that the night she had spent with the Commander was the one she had slept better in a long time, and now she needed this more than ever.

Lexa waited a couple of minutes for Clarke to settle down before she wrapped the girl on her arms, burying her nose on the golden tresses. Suddenly, she didn't feel so jealous anymore.

OOOOOO

The soft sleep didn't last for long, but Clarke felt much more rested after just two hours lying like this with Lexa. It was all the rest her mind would allow for now.

She got up from the bed and saw Lexa move a little, but the Commander didn't follow.

As soon as Clarke left the tent to get some air, Octavia inquired her about the bombing in Tondc. She was suspicious about Clarke and Lexa's involvement on what happened, finding very suspicious the fact that they disappeared and were back the next day without a scratch. Clarke confessed what she had done in order to save Bellamy's cover, but Octavia got really mad anyway.

That was the moment Lexa chose to appear, letting her general change Octavia's post for the night. Clarke was a little suspicious, but it couldn't be… Lexa wouldn't kill one of her friends just because she knew a secret, right?

Everything she knew about Lexa was starting to get really messed up in her head. At first, she thought the Commander was a cold-hearted leader, ruthless and harsh, ready to kill every single person on her way. A little after that she realized the girl was the closer a Grounder could get of being a pacifist, for she was the first one to try gathering not only the Grounders with the Sky People, but all the clans who used to be enemies. She was good at this, because the alliance was going strong, even after all attempts to end it.

And then there was this entirely different side of her, something that Clarke could classify as the person she used to be before she became The Commander. Very rarely (lately more often) she showed the blonde what Lexa was like: a girl who, much like Clarke, had a ton of responsibilities thrown on her lap at a very young age. The difference between them was that Lexa had been prepared for this, so she was ready to put her role as Commander before every possible need she had as a person. That's why she was so good at leading. And that's also why she was so detached on her decisions.

But those rare moments when Clarke met the woman behind the Commander were enough to make the blonde shiver. She saw Lexa as a person branded by the loss of someone she loved, shielding herself from ever feeling again, and at the same time she was fighting this attraction towards Clarke in a time she absolutely couldn't indulge in it.

Right now, she didn't know which of these Lexas the Commander had decided to be when she talked to the guard about Octavia, so Clarke decided to not take any chances. She was going to check on her friend just to be safe.

OOOOOO

When Clarke stormed inside Lexa's tent, she was only capable of thinking one single thing: I can't do this anymore.

Turns out that Lexa had really sent a man to kill Octavia just because she knew too much. The same Octavia who proved herself worthy of being trained as a Grounder, who saved all of them countless times and who was ready to pledge her loyalty to both Clarke and Lexa at any moment, not to count she was one of the witnesses of their wedding. And even though Lexa knew the kind of pain that action would have brought Clarke, she ordered the murder anyway.

The Commander didn't even flinch when she was accused. It was like she had just given an order to clean a table after a feast.

I can't do this anymore.

Clarke was fed up of playing this game of tug of war. She desperately wanted to know that woman in front of her, who hid her face behind the thick black makeup as well as she hid her feelings. Lexa was by far the most enigmatic and surprising person she had ever met; it was almost impossible to predict what she was going to do next.

And then she finally let it all out, spilling the pieces of her mind on the air, provoking Lexa to react to any of them.

You say having feelings makes me weak, but you're weak for hiding from them.

The stoic look on the Commander's face slowly fade and gave place to an intrigued expression, almost sad, as if she was absolutely not ready for what was about to come. That was why she gave in so easily.

Get out.

It was the first time she had spoken so harshly with Clarke, but it was the only thing she could do to defend herself, to shield her from what was about to happen. If this confrontation didn't end soon she wasn't going to be able to hide anymore.

Two hundred and fifty people died in that village. I know you felt for them, but you let them burn.

And then the Commander wasn't there anymore: she was expelled from this conversation by Lexa, the woman behind the mask, the person behind the leader, someone who felt, who suffered, who remembered the face of each person she ever killed, each decision she ever made, each battle fought and won or lost but never, ever, thought she was capable of being in love again. Until now.

Because love comes in the most mysterious ways and gives no sign of being there until, suddenly, it is. For Lexa it wasn't a surprise to discover the feeling – it was like hopelessly searching for something that you had been holding all along and finally seeing it in your hand and then thinking what a fool I've been.

The moment she realized she was in love with Clarke, the only thing she wanted in the world was to convince that extraordinary woman that she was not the cruel leader she had always fought so hard to convince everyone she was. She wanted to let Clarke know immediately that she was not only capable of feeling, but feeling for her.

Not everyone. Not you.

Realization came to Clarke as if she had been slapped, so she took a step back while reprising inside her head the moments spent with Lexa since they met. It had been so obvious, yet not at all. The mutual attraction she had acknowledged a while ago, but those feelings Lexa was showing were way past that. And for the Commander to say something like that, voice breaking a little as she stared at the blonde with she softest eyes, it was because these emotions were strong enough to bring down her walls.

If you care about me, then trust me.

That was all Clarke could say at the moment, and as soon as the words left her mouth she knew Lexa was gathering her Commander self back.

Because loving Clarke as a woman and trusting her as a leader were two completely different things for Lexa. In fact, that was the thing she feared the most, ever since these two realities got mixed and ended in Costia's death.

I can't do that.

Clarke decided she wasn't going to take this anymore, not after she was so close to reach the real Lexa. I can't do this anymore.

If you do anything to hurt Octavia, I'll tell everyone we knew about the missile.

With a last glance at the Commander's parted lips, Clarke left the tent, unable to stop wondering what would it be like if they'd met long before, or maybe a few months later. Any of these possibilities seemed hopeless – until one of them stopped being in charge of their people, they could never just be.

For Lexa, it was like being stabbed on the stomach, and she knew that feeling very well after so many years of fighting. Her fear had become real: Clarke now knew about her biggest weakness and didn't hesitate to explore it.

Because it was clear Clarke had no interest in telling people about the missile and letting the alliance break the day before the attack. Her people would never be saved from Mt. Weather. But somehow she knew she had the upper hand with Lexa now, even though the Commander did such a good job at not letting things get mixed, so asking something like this was to see if Lexa would change her orders for Clarke.

The Commander just looked up and bit her lip, trying to calm down before making a decision. How could she ever know that the biggest battle she would have to fight would be outside the battlefield, without any weapons?

Then again, it was also the easiest one, for she had already lost.