SPOILERS IN THIS CHAPTER: Up to the end of season 2.

ALLIANCE – CHAPTER 08

When I tried to take off the mask it was stuck to my face

As the Commander and her fellow soldiers walked up the woods in the middle of the dark, she was sure that there was no way out of this battle alive. Fear of death was not something known by the Grounders and that made them the very best warriors, but that didn't mean they were reckless with their lives. The only thing known was that their souls would find another body after they deceased; that way the Treekru would never be left without a Commander.

However, just because Lexa wasn't afraid to die didn't mean she wanted to.

The girl turned around fast as another machine gun started spitting a heavy rain of bullets on them, some being skillfully diverted by the army's shields, others ending up buried inside the muscular bodies of Lexa's soldiers. Even then, they weren't ready to surrender. With a final blow of strength a young girl from another clan threw her knife on one of the shooter's neck, hitting precisely. She was able to die in peace for saving her colleagues' lives – at least for the next few seconds, when another gun started shooting at them.

The bullets came from everywhere, fast, merciless, sharp. Some grenades were thrown in the middle of the trees, blowing entire men to pieces as fast as they reached their target. Even snipers were on top of the mountain wearing night vision goggles, taking down one by one those who were lucky enough to not be hit by the other weapons.

The Grounders were used to fight Mountain Men and their technology, but never like this – never to attack, just to defend. Even though they had more soldiers, it was impossible to fight with knives and bows an army of guns who could kill a hundred men in one minute.

Lexa understood at last that the Mountain Men were stronger not only because they were more equipped but because they were fighting for survival, and that's the most important battle someone could ever fight. She knew that feeling very well after so many years trying to keep her people alive.

The enemy didn't know it was a rescue mission. For all they knew, if the Grounder army entered Mt. Weather they were going to irradiate the whole building and those still standing would have their throats slit. Once the savages were in, no one would stay alive.

Another grenade dropped by Lexa's side missing her by a few feet, waking her up from her thoughts. She looked around to check on her soldiers, even though she couldn't see very well in the darkness they were in, lit just by the glow of the guns firing non-stop. The Commander held her breath as she started to count the bodies on the ground. Ten, twenty, fifty. Grown ups, teenagers, even children. An entire army being swept away in one single night.

It was a massacre.

Suddenly the shooting stopped and it was overwhelming how quiet everything got. Lexa shuddered, wondering how many were still alive.

"Attention", said a voice from some sort of speaker. "We will hold our fire if your Commander comes forward. You have ten seconds."

Lexa hid behind a large tree, trying to calm her heart. This was it. She closed her eyes quickly, clearing her mind from everything, preparing for her fight to be finally over.

As she moved away from the trunk and started walking she heard a few voices calling her around the forest.

"Heda, no!"

"Heda, we can still fight."

"Give us one more chance to win."

"Blood must have blood!"

But she didn't listen. She had a responsibility and it was time to fulfill her hole as a Commander, even if it was for the last time. Lexa kept her head high and kept walking towards the shooters, giving a message to her people in trigedasleng.

"Don't move. Hide behind the trees. Be quiet. It I die, retreat immediately."

The voices faded away and she felt relieved. She knew most of them would want to stay and fight, but they also should recognize when a battle was over. Maybe there was a chance that not all of them died tonight if she gave herself in.

"Hello, Commander", said Carl Emerson, looking a little too smug for someone who was under a gigantic attack. It was very strange.

Lexa didn't even blink.

"I have a proposition for you. If you take it, this whole thing can end now and you'll all be going home soon."

"I have no interest in negotiating with you after what you did to my people for so many years", she stated fiercely. "Tonight we will get them back and have our revenge. Blood must have blood."

Some other guard started pulling his gun out of the holster, but Carl made a gesture for him to stop. He just looked at the girl's eyes, now blackened by anger, and took a step closer to her. Lexa didn't move; her right hand was closed tight around her sword's grip.

"Why?"

The Commander was taken aback by the unexpected question.

"Why what?"

"Blood must have blood?"

"That's our way."

"Well, because of your way your people have been dying unnecessarily for the past hundred years. Aren't you done watching them bleed, Commander?"

Lexa remained silent, her jaw clenched and eyes burning. How dared he? This was a very weird approach for a simple soldier. Little did she know that, behind this speech, the voice of President Dante was delivering every single line.

"So here's the deal: you retreat your army – all of it. Your people, the other clans and the members of the Ark. In exchange we'll free the Grounders that are being held inside Mt. Weather."

It was a very good deal, if you think about it: the opportunity to accomplish the mission without having to fight at all. It was a way to finish this battle before it barely started and no more lives would be lost.

Except for Clarke's friends who were still inside the mountain. Emerson didn't mention them.

"What about the others? The Sky People?"

Emerson just gave her a wicked grin. "They're not part of the deal, Commander, and they are also not your problem."

Lexa fought the impulse to simply take out her sword and cut his head off because that man, like all the Mountain Men, was repulsive. If she did what she wanted, her army would be attacking with full force, taking advantage of the stopped guns to get the upper hand and get close to the enemy soldiers. They would kill all the men on top of the mountain, but then what? The others inside Mt. Weather had the same guns; they could simply kill all the hostages inside. And even if the army waiting outside the main door were able to go in, they would be facing a difficult battle. Turns out that this despicable man was right: more blood would be shed.

No matter what, blood was always on Lexa's hands.

But this time, for the first time in her entire life, she was facing the possibility of not killing anyone on order to get what she wanted. And then they could finally go home and live in peace, even if it was just for a day or an entire month, and no more souls would be added to the hundred and fifty that unknowingly gave their lives so these Grounders could be freed from the mountain at last.

The sacrifice of 48 lives – the Sky People still inside – was nothing compared to what Lexa was saving by taking the deal. How many had died just to get to that door tonight? How many would die trying to reach the prison block? Just the people of Tondc who were killed in the bombing made five times that number.

No more Grounders would have to sacrifice themselves tonight.

Except for one.

"I'll take that deal."

Emerson flashed out a victorious smile and some guard behind him passed the information along on the radio, asking for the Grounders to be led to the front door of the bunker.

Before anyone could acknowledge what was happening, Lexa held her sword to Emerson's throat, eyes dancing in a dangerous glow.

"He's going with me. If even one of mine doesn't cross that door, I'll cut his throat and we'll get inside to continue this battle."

The guards moved forward aiming their guns at Lexa, but Emerson raised his hands.

"Don't shoot! It's ok. I'll go with her, just make sure the deal is being fulfilled."

Lexa put a rope around Emerson's hands as tight as possible and they began walking down the mountain, back to the main door, which was almost getting open by the rest of the Grounder's army.

"You know, this will be fun, actually", he said smugly. "I can't wait to see the look on Clarke's face when she realizes you betrayed her."

OOOOOO

Clarke's heart was beating fast when she heard the never-ending shots coming from the top of the mountain. Now they were no longer directed to the part of the army in front of Mt. Weather, but to the group Lexa took there to give them some time to open the door. The blonde just hoped that the Commander was fine, even though it seemed little likely that the Grounders would survive to such a heavy attack.

Trying to clear her head, she concentrated on the people pulling the ropes, almost opening the huge door. They were so close now… She couldn't allow herself to let the weakness inside her heart invade her head. That's what Lexa once told her: you should've let me behind.

And as soon as the door opened even just a little bit Clarke ordered the attack, ready to fight.

But the army lowered their weapons, one by one, after their Commander's voice asked them to stand down. Suddenly Lexa was in front of Clarke again, face painted in black and red, and in that moment the blonde sensed that something had changed because that person she saw had nothing in common with that girl with adoring eyes who asked her to come to Polis and start a new life after this war was over.

This was the Commander. The mask was back on.

Slowly the door opened from the inside and the first Grounder prisoner came out of it, covered by a blanket. They came one by one walking groggily, legs stiff after so many time stuck in cages where they could barely sit, heads light because of the blood that was stolen from their veins. None of them understood what was going on, neither they wanted to know the details. It was just nice to finally walk around the forest again, feeling the grass and the mud beneath their bare feet.

As for Clarke, she was just confused as the prisoners, but unlike them she wanted some answers. Her heart was full of hope because Lexa brought with her one of the guards from Mt. Weather, which meant they had won the battle on the mountain and now the enemy was probably surrendering. That's why the prisoners were being released and very soon she would see her friends again.

But how did Lexa do it? How could it have been so easy?

They are surrendering?

Not quite, said Emerson, satisfaction dripping from his voice as he saw Clarke directing her gaze towards Lexa, demanding a better explanation.

The Commander didn't say anything. Instead, she stood there watching on Clarke's face the realization sinking in, mixed with disappointment, fear and anger. That last emotion was the one that stayed. In that moment, she knew everything was over between them – the thousands of things that never happened and the few ones that did.

For Clarke it was a very harsh realization. She wasn't ready to look away from Lexa just yet, not until she understood what was going on, even though deep in her heart she knew she had been betrayed. Maybe it was just a deal that benefited them all. Maybe it was some kind of move for a surprise attack. The idea of a betrayal just didn't seem right because that was something Lexa would never, ever do to her. To the woman she loved.

What did you do, she asked, almost like a whisper.

What you would have done. Save my people.

And that was the biggest bullshit Clarke had ever heard because Lexa didn't know a thing about her. She thought that she and Clarke shared this deep bond because they were both leaders in difficult times, but at the end of the day they were completely different kinds of commanders, for the blonde would never turn her back on this alliance. She would never leave the Grounder prisoners on Mt. Weather to die so she could save only her people.

However, Lexa didn't hint any kind of doubt in her voice because she knew that was the truth, even though Clarke still had a lot of soul searching to do to realize that. She was speaking to her as a fellow commander and an ally leader, not as Lexa, the woman who loved Clarke.

Clarke noticed this when Lexa said she was sorry for her people, but they weren't part of the deal. Her eyes were dark as the night surrounding them. She didn't look sorry. She didn't look like anything.

As the last Grounders came out of Mt. Weather, Lexa broke the eye contact briefly so she could cut the rope around Emerson's hands and free him. When she looked back at the blonde, all she met there was disappointment.

In that moment she knew that Clarke had a weakness as well for trusting her so much. The girl's feelings were always a mystery to the Commander, who had allowed herself to become so vulnerable and willing in front of her fellow leader, but now the tables were turned and for the first time she saw in Clarke's eyes that she was loved back.

Because no one who wasn't in love could feel such a tremendous heartbreak.

That made the Commander's façade fade a little, not enough to the mask to fall completely again, but she wanted so desperately for Clarke to understand her decision that she was willing to say anything.

I do care, Clarke.

About your people, about the blood on my hands, about the lives we took in order to reach our goals, about the fact that you and I now are never a possibility but just a faint memory of something that happened once in a dream.

But I made this decision with my head, not my heart.

Because if I had done it with my heart, I would have chosen you.

The duty to protect my people comes first, spoke the Commander, stopping the flow of emotions. She didn't have to explain herself. She did the right thing.

Now was Clarke's turn to break. In a desperate attempt to save her people, she took a step forward, asking Lexa to please not to this.

But the Commander was resolute. The door was closed and she ordered the retreat.

The army turned around and lowered their weapons, both disappointed for not avenging the blood of those they loved and relieved because they got their people back without facing any more death. Lexa was fed up of being this good-hearted leader who allowed concessions and made alliances with strangers. She was getting harder and freeing herself from all kinds of emotions that made her weak and clouded her judgment, since all it needed was a quick glance at Clarke to see that she had nothing to hope for by letting feelings take over her actions. The blonde would never forgive her.

So when Lincoln decided he didn't wanted to retreat with the others, Lexa didn't feel compassion for the man. She just did what a Heda would do and ordered the guards to tie him up and drag him back to camp.

He was the last soldier to leave. Now it was just Lexa and Clarke in front of Mt. Weather's door, the one they had almost blown up together a few hours ago.

Their eyes were locked on each other's, having a conversation without using any words. Clarke's shouted despair, abandon and hurt; Lexa's didn't say a thing. Just like when they first met.

It was time to end this once and for all. This alliance had brought enough pain for both their clans and the feelings growing between them were destructive. Lexa knew that was best for both of them to stay apart, and it was very likely that they would be, but her heart made one last invasion to her mouth before she left.

May we meet again.

OOOOOO

The title of this chapter is an excerpt from a poem called Tobacco Shop ("Tabacaria"), by Fernando Pessoa's heteronym Álvaro de Campos.