sorry it took this long , but i`ve been deleting everything i write . i still don`t think that this chapter is what its supposed to be but at least i don`t hate it so that`s an improvement ...tell me what you think
thanks for the beta stlouis !
'Have you talked to Jane?"
"We…talk"
"Are you scared?"
"No." she laughed humorlessly "I'm terrified."
"Why do you think that is? Why do you find it difficult to reach out for her?"
Maura looked down at her hands in shame "It's not easy to explain."
"Do you want to try?" Maura sighed before wetting her lips trying to buy herself some more time to organize her thoughts.
"I have always had boundaries in my relationships, ever since I was a child I knew of the boundaries between my parents and I. It's how I was raised, to always have boundaries and keep them from falling apart. Of course these boundaries shift depending on the nature of the relationship, but they were always a constant in my relationships, even the romantic ones. It leaves me with a personal space that is all my own, my safety net. That way, no matter what happens in the relationship I know it won't be devastating because I've kept my space." Maura took a deep breath to compose herself.
"Jane, she uhh" Maura huffed mid-sentence and looked at the ceiling to try and keep the tears at bay.
"She didn't seem to understand where she was meant to stop, where the line was. I`m not sure I knew where it was either, after all I never had a best friend. It was all new to me, she kept on jumping those boundaries and I didn't have the heart to stop her. I'm not sure I wanted to stop her. I wanted to believe that she won't hurt me, I wanted to trust that she won't break me." Maura felt the tears spill silently down her cheek.
"What happened then?"
"I was terrified for a while, but it was the best thing that ever happen to me. Meeting her changed me in so many ways. I was no longer the queen of the dead or Dr. Isles. When I was with her, I was just Maura. For the first time in my life, it felt ok to just be Maura. She and I became so close that I no longer cared for those boundaries."
"Then why are you scared of talking to her?"
"That's just it. She`ll know. She sees right through me and it scares me because that means that she`ll see how damaged I am. I don't want her to know but I can't stop her, that's why I'm trying to avoid her … why I'm hiding and doing everything in my power so that she won't see it. What if she decides that I'm not worth it? I just need to stay away until I'm better."
"But do you think it's your place Maura? Deciding what's best for her?" Maura stayed quiet "Don't you think that maybe this time, she should have a say in the matter?"
She opened her palm to see the blood beginning to accumulate before small drops made it to the edge of her palm, slowly growing in size and weight until it was forced by gravity fall and spill into the wooden floor. Her heartbeats grew loud in her ear, her breath heavy in her chest. She pressed a single digit to the wound, watched the fingertip change color and frowned. Why can't she feel it? Clenching her jaw, she closed her hand into a tight fist and pounded it against her thigh in an attempt to awaken the pain she knew still existed deep inside the tissue. Her hand grew numb, panicking she increased the force of her pounding and felt tears gathering in her eyes. She had to feel some something, anything.
Ice cubes clicked against the tub. Logically, she knew there should be sound but nothing reached through to her foggy brain. Stepping one foot at a time in the bathtub fully clothed, a gasp followed by a sigh of relief escaped her lips .
Cold. She felt it seeping into her body. Arms unconsciously wrapped around her trembling body as she made her slow descent into the freezing water. Her teeth clicking, jaw muscled working overtime to try and produce heat. Any feeling was welcomed at this point.
She didn't tell anyone about the small supply closet that had been transformed into her bedroom for a while now. She makes sure to lock it every morning after she wakes up, obsessively checking to make sure it's locked every time she`s home . It doesn't have enough space for a grown person to lay down, not that it matters. She sleeps huddled into the far corner with the blanket wrapped securely around her. The pillow was added later on, after waking up too many times with a sore and stiff neck.
"I have to say, I was surprised you called." Jane sat on the table following Maura with her eyes, Maura gave a weak smile as she carried the two dinner plates to the table, placing Jane's plate in front of her before taking a seat herself.
"This looks new." Jane commented studying the plate in front of her.
"I wanted to share this with you." Maura added with a blush "I think that this might be my greatest achievement yet." Jane raised an eyebrow at Maura and she blushed even more.
"You should see the fridge." she laughed.
"I didn't know you were into cooking?" Jane lifted her fork still not sure where to start first.
"I wasn't. It`s something I picked up when I was with Paddy. What?" Maura stopped when she saw Jane's amusement.
"Nothing. Cooking isn't what you usually pick up when you`re with a mob boss."
"Paddy didn't want to let me in the family business, said that I wasn't cut out for it. I didn't have the luxury of going out whenever I felt like it. Yoga kept reminding me of my physical condition. One day I just got fed up with all the take outs and asked the boys to bring me ingredients for a proper meal. I never realized how distracting cooking can be. It can really take your mind off things." Maura took her knife a fork and started slicing through her chicken.
"No wonder those men were fat." Jane said taking a bite and moaning at the taste.
"Cooking is good. I used to vacuum three hours straight without realizing it. Turns out it doesn't really make much of a difference after the first hour." Jane laughed and Maura joined in with a light laugh.
"I did try cleaning for a while but gave up. Apparently the bed posts don't gather dust overnight." Jane nodded in fake concentration before they both chuckled.
Small talk was exchanged during dinner but Jane couldn't help but feel the formality of it. Yes, Maura was a bit more open for conversation, but she seemed to be holding back for some reason.
"Remember when we first started working together?" Maura asked.
"How could I forget." Jane let out a snort "You should have seen your face wen Korsak introduced us."
"When I came back from an autopsy, there was a cup of coffee, donut and yogurt at my desk with a note that said 'sorry Stanly didn't have any leafy greens.'" Jane laughed.
'I didn't know if it was a peace offering or your way of insulting me, why are you laughing?"
"It was supposed to be a joke." Jane laughed.
"Oh" Maura said as the realization hit her "Well, I didn't get the joke at the time."
"I`m sorry my bad. I didn't know that you were socially awkward then." Jane apologized raising her hands in surrender, Maura nodded in acknowledgement before looking at her plate.
"But you sure made me work my ass off just so I can take you out for coffee. I mean sheesh, I tried being friendly. I asked you to call me by my first name which you refused to do. So for a while, I started coming down to the morgue to talk to you. I remember the first time I sat through your autopsy, you were so annoyed and kept huffing every time you glanced at my direction. I remember thinking 'good thing I'm not one of her gentlemen callers, she probably makes jump through fire hoops just for a date' " Maura laughed light heartily and Jane smiled, content with seeing her friend so at ease.
"Well, that was because I thought you were there to make sure I didn't make any mistakes and I was so mad to think that you thought so little of my qualifications." Maura retorted but still smiled at Jane's shocked expression.
"What if I told you that I don't put men through half of what I put you through?"
"Yeah no kidding. Kinda figured that one out after doctor slucky."
"Well, what you don't know is that when I first took the job most of the detectives in homicide were asking me out. At first I thought they just wanted to be on my good side, or try to sound friendly but I soon realized that people don't do anything unless they expect something in return. After a while I became an expert at figuring out what they really wanted. Dinner means they want to get laid, coffee means they want their case to have a priority over the rest etcetera etcetera."
"Huh"
"So you can understand why I turned you down for so long. I just thought you wanted the same thing, just a bit too thick to understand that I don't do favorites." Jane nodded thoughtfully.
"Do you want to tell why I`m really here?"
"Couldn't it have been that I really just wanted to share a meal with you?" Maura replied.
"Considering you`ve been avoiding me for the last few weeks, I`d say it's a long shot." Jane gave a knowing smile.
"Worth the try" Maura got up and disappeared into her office before coming back with a notebook in her hands. She held it delicately, as if it was a time bomb really to go off any second. "This is something that I would like you to have, well not like but" Maura trailed off and offered the notebook to Jane who accepted it immediately
"You don't have to read it. I certainly wouldn't like to know if you read it or not."
"What is it?"
"It's a journal that I kept. One of the few reasons that kept me sane." Maura explained seeing the puzzled expression on Jane's face. Maura sighed before she elaborated "My therapist thinks that I`ve been bottling things for too long and that its starting to have a negative effect on my recovery. She thought that I should be more open about my experience, and not try to bury it in a dark corner of my mind. As a physician, I understand what she`s saying and I know that she`s right., as a patient I find it extremely difficult to do so." Maura looked down at her hands, rubbing them together absently before she continued.
Jane noticed that once Maura's smile faded, she was swallowing thickly on whatever emotion was bubbling in her chest.
"Are you ok?" Jane was starting to feel concerned for her friend whose breathing was increasing by the minute.
"Maura?" she called again and this time hazel eyes settled on chocolate brown.
Maura forced a fake smile and started nodding but soon her face started crumbling and she shook her head no. Jane reached out for her friend across the table but Maura pulled her hand away as soon as Jane touched it, covering her face with both hands. Jane sat there waiting for Maura to calm down, it took a few moments of deep breathing before Maura let her hands drop. Her face was a bit flushed and Jane could see tears that the blonde stubbornly withheld filling her eyes.
"I'm not ok." she crocked out.
"Can we go out? I need to get out." Maura stood up with Jane following closely.
"Any place in mind?"
"Just somewhere with …..air"
Jane drove the speed limit for once in her life, she doesn't really know why she did it. Did she want to please the blonde? Or did she just wanted to buy herself more private moments with the distraught doctor?
Jane stole glances at Maura, watching as the evening air creased her blonde locks, watching her chest rise and fall with calming deep breaths.
"I'm sorry." It was barely a whisper but Jane heard it. A sigh and another deep breath "Why can't I just be happy again?" the blonde looked at Jane as if expecting an answer.
"I mean, I came back from the dead! Not a lot of people can say that. Yet all I can think about is it would have been better if I stayed dead."
"Don't say that!"
"It's the truth!"
"It not like I'm not trying. I'm working every minute of every day and I keep thinking I'm getting better, but once I close the front door it feels like I haven't left at all. All of these feelings I had before just slam back into me. I'm so scared that I can't do it, that at some point it will be too much. Of course that's all in a pile and you are another pile by yourself." Maura`s voice was cracking.
"Wow" was all Jane managed.
"It's not what you think." Maura quickly added.
"Oh really? Because it sounds like it's exactly what I think. Why don't you try proving me wrong." Jane cursed herself. She didn't mean to sound so harsh, so bitter, but Maura was making her feel angry. "After everything we`ve been through, after every fucking thing I did just so that I can have you back and what do I get? The cold shoulder, I get the 'I'm too busy to squeeze you in'. I get brushed off as if I never meant anything to you. I don't see you brushing my mother off, noooo. You two get to have your girly breakfast together every freaking day, but once my name pops up you up and vanish. What is that supposed to mean? What are you trying to tell me here? That you don't want me in your life anymore, that I'm not good enough to fit into your little world, is that it?
"No Jane I-"
"Don't you dare tell me not now! Explain it to me Maura. What does it mean because right now, I can't find any other explanation." she could feel a tingling starting at the back of her throat from raiding her voice. Her hands tightened on the steering wheel.
This is not how it's supposed to happen. She was not supposed to be yelling at Maura. Maura shouldn't be sitting in her car seat looking so small in her seat, her shoulders shouldn't be hunched. This was all wrong.
"I can't, I don't know how!"
"How am I supposed to tell you that everything you did, everything you worked so hard to make possible was for nothing. I push you away so that you wouldn't see how broken I am, that I am damaged beyond repair. Every time we`re in the same room, I find myself turning into this awful person that I don't wish to be, just so I can push you away. I couldn't lie to you Jane, I couldn't lie to you like everybody else by pretending I'm the old me because I knew you`ll see right through me like you always do. I thought that if you're angry at me, you`ll be too focused on your anger that you won't notice it. I thought that, if I could just have some space, some time, I'll figure out how to behave around you because I don't want lose you."
"I hate you." It was barely above a whisper. "As much as I love you. I feel anger bubbling inside of me every time I lay eyes on you. Perhaps I`m envious. You did something that right now seems impossible to do. You moved on after everything with Hoyt, with Dominc, you moved on. You didn't allow it to control your life, god, you made it seem so easy and I hate myself for thinking like this. What kind of a friend am I? What kind of an awful, horrible friend am I that I feel jealous of you?" Maura wiped her tears with her hands and sniffed trying to regain control.
"No one would blame you if you walked away from all of this Jane. I wouldn't blame you. Who would want to be around someone as damaged as this? You have your life to live, you can't keep it all on hold for my sake. I'm not worth it." Maura finished and hung her head low, wrapping her arms around herself.
They stayed there in silence for what felt like hours. Maura holding a hand to her mouth to prevent any sound from escaping, her shoulders shaking with every sob. Jane sat there too stunned to say anything. Maura tried calming herself, taking shuttered breaths. She was waiting for Jane to say something, for her to yell at her again but the sound she heard was so shocking that she snapped her head to Jane's direction. The detective was still focusing at her wheel but she was chuckling to herself.
"You`re still the dumbest genius I know." Jane looked over to Maura giving her a brief smile before looking away. "Don't you for a second believe that throwing all of this on me, telling me how messed up you are, that it's going to change anything. I won't run for the hills Maura. I will still be here, and I`m willing to do whatever it takes to help you, but I need you to stop pushing me away. I`ve been there Maura, after Hoyt, I pushed everybody away from me. My friends, my family, my own mother. I thought I could handle it all on my own but it doesn't work that way. You need people, people that love you, people that care about you, who will make it their mission to make you smile." Jane leaned forward to try an catch Maura`s eyes "I didn't stay out of guilt Maura. I stayed because one day everything will come crashing down and you`ll need someone there. Just like I did. I know I never told you, I never thanked you, always acted annoyed every time you were there but you should know that for a while, you were the only thing keeping me together, the one thing that made me want to wake up every day. I want to be that person for you Maura. Let be that person."
"I don't know what I am doing anymore." Maura sobbed and Jane leaned over, pulling her in for a hug. "I'm tired of pretending to be fine, I'm so tired Jane." Maura choked out between sobs.
"You don't have to pretend anymore, not with me ok. Let me take care of you." Jane whispered holding her tighter.
"What if it's too much? What if I can't do it, what if I'm not strong enough."
"Shhh, don't say that. You are the strongest person I know." Jane could feel Maura shaking her head in protest trying to pull away. Jane just tightened her hold.
"Yes you are, do you hear me? You`re so strong Maura. Don't you ever believe that you`re not!" that only served as fuel as Maura sobs increased though their position was not comfortable, Jane ignored her own discomfort and held the blonde as sobs shook her small frame , rubbing her back and mumbling tender words to try and calm her distress.
Maura`s sobs soon changed to hiccups.
"Ok. I'm going to let you go now but you have to keep sobbing and not smile ok?" Maura pulled away with a confused look, her face flushed and red rimmed eyes but she still managed to look beautiful non the less.
"Wh-at?" Maura hiccupped drying the remaining tears away.
"Keep sobbing and don't smile, got it?" Jane said with the most serious look she could offer.
"I'm trying reverse psychology." she added when she saw the way Maura was looking at her. Maura struggled but failed to stop the corners of her mouth to go up.
"That's not how you use reverse psychology"
"Sure it is, it worked didn't it?"
"It certainly did not!"
"I beg to differ"
"You're unbelievable you know that?"
"And yet you love me"
"I never realized how important you are to my life. How dependent I have become on you. You became too important and that scared me, in some ways I think pushing you away was also in self-preservation. I knew I couldn't handle it if it was your decision to move on, so I thought that if could just distance myself from you, if I could just prepare myself for when you wouldn't be there anymore, it wouldn't hurt as much. In the end, I just made a bigger mess of things."
"I was terrified of what you would think of me if I told you."
"I could never think any less of you."
"I wouldn't be so sure."
"I tried pretending that I'm strong. I thought if I just pretended long enough, maybe I will be strong but I`m not. I`m weak, I`m scared all the time, I always look over my shoulder. I can't be in my own house for too long, before I feel myself suffocating. Every time I hear you`re coming, I have this irrational fear that time is going to repeat itself and that this time it will end badly. I don't fill in my prescription because I`m scared of what I might do if there was so much pills in the house. You should have just left me there."
"You don't mean that."
"I do. At least when I was there, I had hope that if I was to ever come back I will be happy, I will be so happy. Now that I'm here, I have no more hope for anything. Every dream I had has been crushed and I`m left with nothing but the emptiness I feel every time I open my eyes."
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