Hi again! another thanks for justmetess and all the people who reviewed . you made my day :)
Jane was standing in her usual spot leaning on the wall with her fists shoved into her pockets. This time it was different, she was anxious. Waiting for something, someone. When she noticed blond locks stepping out of the car, Jane attempted a small smile. It was the best she could do and waited for Maura to reply with her sweet smile.
Maura however didn't seem to even notice Jane standing there, she wasn't really noticing anything. She was walking on autopilot, her mind was miles away from here, her eyes were empty, her shoulders hunched forward as if she was carrying the weight of the world on them.
Jane watched as Maura made her way slowly to the building, Jane's smile disappeared. It was as if a small child was exited to show his mom what he had accomplished only for his mom to brush him aside. It`s not that Jane wasn't worried about Maura, but she had hoped that Maura was feeling a bit better today. She didn't want to admit it but she was looking forward for Maura's smile.
Classes were passing by but she wasn't listening, she didn't even know what class she was in right now. Just get it over with was all she thought, what was this teacher going to tell them that will help her anyway? It's pointless, useless ….. Just like her.
"Hey check out the new chick, she cute"
Jane was walking around the school yard when she overheard two boys talking; she followed their line of sight to see Maura standing near a wall with a thousand mile look on her face.
"yeah, she`s hot! But she looks too dark don't you think?"
"Those are the easy ones man, you just have to sugar your way to their pants. Watch and learn, watch and l…"
Jane`s fist making contact with the wall just above Maura's head snapped her out of her gaze , she raised her head and saw Jane almost hovering over her, with her other fist in her pocket . Jane's gaze shifted from Maura's eyes toward the two guys standing a few meters away from them. Her gaze was sharp, angry, and scary even. Maura was confused, she turned her head slowly to the two guys who suddenly seemed to have somewhere to be and quickly turned almost tripping as they walked as fast as they could.
Jane retrieved her hand from the wall, gently smacking Maura's head in the process "see what happens when you stand there like a space cadet. it`s gonna be your own damn fault if you get kidnapped" she said casually as she returned her fist to her pocket
"You`re right!" Jane glanced sideway at Maura; Maura's whole body was tensed up, as if she was on high alert. Jane sighed
"It's ok, you don't have to do that when you`re with me, you can space out as much as you like" she said with the same tone
"Right" just as Maura's body started relaxing, Jane realized what she just said and felt the blood raise to her cheeks
"And I didn't mean that in a funny way!" she almost shouted with embarrassment.
"Funny way?" Maura's tone was innocent with her head slightly turning to the side, not understanding what Jane meant. Jane looked at her for a few seconds trying to figure out if she was making fun of her
"Never mind" Jane's sight focused on the floor, trying hard not to look at Maura who was still at a lose
"Jane?" Maura finally broke the silent after a few seconds
"Hmm?" Jane didn't look at Maura and kept her gaze on the floor, her head just leaned closer toward Maura
"If you knew who I was from the start, why didn't you say something earlier?" Maura said with curiosity
"Because then you`d know" it was barely a whisper but Maura caught it, Jane looked ashamed and still didn't meet Maura's gaze
"Know?" Maura repeated, waning Jane to continue, Jane's shoulder slung even further with shame
" I'm not…" she tried before she turned her head further away from Maura , so she wouldn't see the pity in her eyes " I'm not who I used to be" she whispered
Maura let out a soft giggle, amused at how hard it was for Jane to say those simple words, Jane's head shot up to look at Maura who was still giggling with shock
"So?" Maura said with a shrug, finding it completely normal
"What do you mean so?" Jane shot back, Maura offered a soft sad smile
" everyone change Jane , it doesn't have to be a bad thing" Maura placed her hand for a second on Jane's upper arm casually before withdrawing it , it was a simple gesture but Jane stopped breathing , was it fear? Shock? No it was something else. It's been a long time since someone acted so normally with her, without being careful with her as if she might break any second
"So…umm, what happened yesterday?" hesitated but said it, she was so scared that Maura would run away again, Maura raised her hand passing her fingers slowly in her hair
"it`s no.." she tried with a smile, Jane rolled her eyes. She knew that lie all too well, she uses it everyday
"it`s not nothing Maura!" she said a bit offended, Maura stopped her hand in her hair and let out a sigh. It was now that the sadness showed in Maura's eyes, it was now that Jane finally saw the pain them. She was holding back all this time
"You don't have to be happy all the time you know?" Jane tried softly, her eyes filled with compaction "get angry, get upset or something, you CAN tell people what you feel. well its annoying if you do it all the time" Maura let out a soft giggle, Jane's hand landed on Maura's upper arm as if returning the favor "you can tell me…I-I'll listen" it was hard for Jane to talk like this, she shut her soft side a long time ago, so why is it that she was allowing it to resurface again?
Maura raised her head to look at Jane with a sad smile "do I have to talk about it here?" Maura asked with a pleading voice, Jane shook her head and smiled.
"No you don't, come on" Jane turned and started walking, Maura fallowing without saying anything
"Don't run off like that again" Jane said casually as they walked, Jane's hands in her pockets again
"But I left a no..." Maura tried with a weak voice, Jane rolled her eyes again
"A note, yeah yeah. What kind of a stupid address was that anyway! I had to go all over town with my mom looking for you, with my mother Maura!" Jane said annoyed and earned herself a soft embarrassed giggle from Maura, she could already feel herself smiling like a fool. Why was it that this girl could break all of the boundaries that Jane had built around herself?
Both Maura and Jane were standing on the roof top, looking at the student who looked ever so small from up here " when I heard her voice I just…..I couldn't stop thinking of what might have been , if I just had her with me , I…." Maura's thoughts drifting off again, "sometime I think … if my father was put away from the start…. She wouldn't have met him…and I wouldn't have been born" Maura whispered the last part
"I wouldn't want that!" Jane practically shouted in the heat of the moment, Maura's head shot up with surprise "sorry, I …but…" Jane said with a blush, Maura smiled. Even thought Jane acted tough, she was a caring person, Jane stole a glance at Maura after everything that has happened to her, how was she able to smile the way she did? How was she able to rise above the pain and become this person?
"I'm sorry for being a burden on you yesterday" Maura said politely
"If that's what you think then just get better, start smiling with that goofy smile of yours again" Jane said with a pouted face, looking away from Maura
"My smile is goofy?" Maura blinked
"Just get better! People worry about you, you know?" Jane changed the subject; it was now that Maura let out a snort
"No they don`t. no would care if I didn't get better, no one would even notice if I didn't show up for school tomorrow! Perhaps it's because I'm damaged goods" Maura said with bitterness
"So am I…damaged goods" Jane whispered, her face serious now. How was it, that without even knowing it, this girl was saying all the thoughts that ran through Jane's mind? How was it…..? That without having to say anything, this was healing Jane more than any of her shrink appointments has ever done?
"I'll notice Maura" another whisper that reached Maura's ear bringing her out of her state
"Sometimes I start to think of what ifs too..." Jane took her hands out of her pockets and stared at the scars they held, they stayed like this. In complete silent, each drowning in her thoughts, without having to put on their masks, the ones they had made to hide how they truly felt from others... somehow, it was ok to let their guards down around each other.
"I have class now" Maura said without thinking "I have class now!" the words were starting to sink in and Maura was panicking, a smile found its way to Jane's lips. It was adorable how Maura was panicking on a silly thing like class.
"I'll see you later Maura" Jane closed her hands and smiled at Maura.
"Huh? Oh! Yes I'll see you later Jane" Maura replied with her best smile and turned around on her heals, leaving Jane behind.
Jane was holding her fist in front of her face after Maura had left, this would have to wait. She doesn't have to tell Maura about it … not yet anyway. Jane was sure that it was inevitable that Maura would learn about what happened, it just doesn't have to be today. She could just be a normal person for now…with Maura
School ended peacefully and Maura was anxious to meet Jane, Maura hurried out of the building and saw Jane waiting for her in her usual spot. She practically ran and jumped in front of Jane, taking Jane off guards and smiling with rose cheeks. Jane stiffened at first but quickly replayed with a smile
"Ready to go?" Jane asked with a grin, Maura nodded. It was funny how she was looking like a child right now. They both started walking, Jane slowly while Maura was filled with energy. Jane was amazed, this girl didn't have the strength to even smile just a few hours ago but now she was pumped with enough energy for both of them and somehow every time she smiled, Jane kept finding her self smiling along with her
"Jane?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think it would be ok if I said hi to your mother? I really want to apologize for yesterday" Maura asked nervously
"Yeah, I'm sure she`ll be thrilled to see you" Jane said honestly
"Really?" Maura was over the moon but quickly thought it through "are you sure? I know it's on short notice and all and I don't want to be an inconvenience to her"
"Yeah… come to think about it you`re not on the list, and if you`re not on the list I'm afraid you can't see my mother" Jane tried to keep her face straight and block out the laughter that was in her throat
"Oh" Maura said disappointed, she was really hoping to Jane's mom. Jane saw the look on Maura's face and rolled her eyes
"It was a joke Maura, yeah you can see my mom" Maura's hole face lit up. They both kept on walking in comfortable silent. Jane never knew this, but the reason Maura was full of life again was because of her.
"I'll notice"
Jane`s voice rang in her head, she will never know how much these words actually meant for Maura, someone will notice … someone will now if she disappeared. This alone was enough motivation for her to carry on. What ifs won't change the past, but these words could change her future.
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