A/N: No, I don't have any idea what I'm doing. Thank you for asking.
Disclaimer: (Ō_ƆŎ)
"So there I was, my back against the wall, my weapon embedded in the lead Goliath's mask and out of my reach! The herd had me surrounded, swinging their tusks this way and that, every opening they made was closed off just as quickly! It was as though they were merely toying with me, using their superior numbers to make themselves look stronger than they really were, the dirty cowards!"
The staff room. Where the comfortable couches and the really good coffee blends of Beacon Academy spent their time. A safe haven for the teachers from those creatures of which shattered dreams and fractured emotions were born. The creatures of Grimm? Mere spearheads, illusions to hide away the true monsters that haunted the nightmares of all teachers whom had found themselves hired by the illustrious institution.
Adolescents.
"Yes, there was little I could do! My allies had all run, adhering to the plan that we had set up beforehand. Only one of us had to stay behind to attract the herd, or so I was thinking, until out of nowhere he appeared! His tail was magnificent, sleek and perfectly for suited for blah blah blah…"
Every school had their fundamental tenets. Most people would refer to them as rules, but considering Headmaster Ozpin's substantial lack of giving a shit about such things, as they got in the way of him doing whatever struck his fancy, a word that carried more weight had to be chosen.
No students in the staffroom. Broom closets are to be aired out after whatever activity they had unwittingly found themselves hosting was completed. Food was for sustenance, not foreplay.
"Smelled of cheese, he did. Not that that's a bad thing, I quite like cheese! And not just any cheese, oh no, he smelled of the good stuff. The expensive stuff. Of course, as it was the height of the war, he'd had to steal that cologne, but who was I to judge theft after being forced to blah blah blah…"
And, under absolutely any circumstances, to the threat of death and dismemberment, there was to be no stories in the staffroom.
"There I was, with blood on my hands, staring down in horror at the man in the suit. He stared back, or he would have if he wasn't dead. Then again, he could have been alive, though remarkably uncomfortable with my axe stuck in his skull. And then, before my very eyes, he began to dissolve!" The grip Glynda had on her riding crop redoubled, her knuckles popping as Peter and a green haired fourth year student so casually desecrated one of the hoy tenets of Beacon Academy. The student even had the nerve to take notes as Peter was speaking. "A Grimm wearing a uniform, you'd think we'd realise operative Supe Revil wasn't human the first time we caught him scratching himself, but what an actor he was! Having blood red eyes because he was albino and only ever grunting because he was drop kicked as a baby; marvellous cover story, I must say!"
Peter nodded to Glynda as she strolled further into the room, nothing in his expression suggesting he was recalled the loss of his precious facial hair after the last time he had so causally committed sacrilege. Launching right back into his story, he swivelled around in his seat, the student's hand moving at ungodly speeds across the paper as he glanced upwards.
"Good afternoon, Glynda." The – admittedly very attractive – student offered her a small smile as he ducked, one of Port's beloved exaggerated gestures sending his hand flying through where his head had just been. The reprimand that had been crawling up Glynda's throat was swallowed back, Peter's current ramblings ("A lawyer and a parakeet as parents? No wonder their child was born the scum of Remnant!") fading into background noise as she narrowed her eye at the suddenly very familiar face in front of her.
"…Bartholomew?"
"My apologies for breaking your rule. By the time I had remembered it, Peter here was already in the beginning stages of his story, and you know how difficult he is to relocate when that happens." With the hand that wasn't busy scribbling down notes, Oobleck swiped a coffee cup filled with water from the table (it had a pretty blue flower on the front), sending it flying out the open window beside him. Glynda stared after it as it curved unnaturally mid-air, not entire comprehending what she was watching as it disappeared into another open window down below. "Thank you very much, Peter. The human-Faunas wars are always such a volatile subject, I believe your expertise will be invaluable once I come upon some unfortunate but unfortunately not unforseen opposition over the duration of this topic."
"Not to worry, my lad!" Glynda almost jumped; she hadn't realised Peter had actually stopped talking. In all honestly, she wasn't even certain such a thing was possible. With a hearty laugh, Peter pushed himself out of his seat, patting imaginary dust from his shoulder as his gaze may or may not have fallen on the clock. It was difficult to tell for sure. "Now, as much as I hate to cut out time short, there's only one more minute left of lunch. I have to prepare for class, much like you should."
Oobleck hopped to his feet, his shirt catching a sudden breeze through the open window as he stretched. Not noticing it flutter upwards, he sent a lazy salute to Peter, turning on his heel to offer a nod and another small smile to Glynda before blurring out of the staffroom. The notes he had left on the table disappeared just as quickly, and Glynda's riding crop finally clattered to the ground as the afterimage Bartholomew had left behind faded away.
"Such a nice boy." Peter muttered to himself, catching the now half-filled coffee cup (that had a pretty blue flower on the front) that the nice boy in question had initially thrown as it sailed back in through the open window and taking a swig from it. His stance was that of a warrior, trapped in an abyss of torrential intrigue, unequivocal mystique, and utter ignorance of his colleague's horrified expression. "Such a nice, familiar boy…"
XxX
"I told you it was-"
Cardin's voice trailed off into an undignified squeak as a coffee cup full of water impacted with his groin, his fingers flying off Velvet's ear as he crumpled against the table. His now free hands were down to his crotch in a second, the tips brushing against the coffee cup (that had a pretty blue flower on the front) as it bounced off his body and caught Russell in the nose.
Teams RWBY and JNPR watched from a table away with mild interest as the coffee cup bounced between the four members of Team CRDL like a pinball, somehow missing the rabbit Faunus girl with every pass. Aura protected them as best it could, after the four boys got their bearing about them enough to actually activate it, and after a moment the coffee cup was sailing back towards the open window, stopping in mid-air just long enough to pour half its contents onto the front of Cardin's pants before continuing on its way.
RDL escaped with bruises and, in one case, a mild concussion. C slid off the bench and fell to his knees, then rolled onto his back when they too gave out on him. If one were fluent in whatever language he was speaking, they could have translated his pained squeals to mean, "what the fuck," and, "why."
For a moment, there was silence. Or as much silence as there could be with Cardin announcing to the world the initiation of his reverse puberty.
"…So that happened." Yang shrugged, letting her chin fall back into her hands so she could continue listening to Nora's story.
Nobody else said anything, RWB and JNPR because the situation had already been summed up perfectly, and everyone else because they were nothing but silhouettes, and therefore lacked the mouths to make even the slightly vocalisation.
XxX
"Ozpin, I am telling you, we need that shipment of coffee here yesterday!"
"Glynda, I am telling you that the situation is out of my control. Every bullhead that attempts to carry a shipment up the cliff is shot down, no matter what evasive manoeuvres the pilots attempt to employ." Ozpin brought his cup to his lips, trying to ignore how salty the tears tasted as they slid and scratched down his throat. Salty was kind of like bitter, if you squinted while tilting your head, and the itch on the insides of his elbows was getting worse the longer he was forced to go without his fix. "I understand that desperate times call for desperate measures, but I cannot in good conscious order someone walk up the cliff face while carrying enough caffeine to alleviate the current crisis. Not after every establishment that sold coffee in Vale mysteriously closed down overnight."
"Risk versus reward, Ozpin! A de-caffeinated Bartholomew Oobleck is not something that can be allowed around children, regardless of their future careers!" Glynda paced around the office, waving her riding crop errantly with every step she took. Occasionally it would let out a spark. That spark would then go on to explode, forcing Glynda to fix whatever it damaged, only to let out another spark and perpetuate a cycle that began and ended with her. "You were there last time. He made Ironwood cry, and that was only after three hours!"
"To be fair, James referred to Bartholomew as a nerd. And he didn't make him cry, he just made him… leak. A little."
"From inside a different Kingdom. Using nothing but words. There was a hole in his tear duct, that kind of thing is not-"
"Glynda, it'll be fine." Ozpin grimaced down at his mug, setting it aside on his desk as he pushed himself to his feet. Grabbing his cane, he hobbled up to his office's window, watching with a raised eyebrow as a coffee cup (that had a pretty blue flower on the front) flew across the school grounds, striking a silhouette whom had been pointing and laughing at another silhouette - that had a long tail - in the back of the shadow. "Has Mr. Winchester snapped out of his existential crisis yet?"
Slow footsteps stopped beside him. "Yes, yesterday, I belie-"
One hand, the hand that wasn't holding a cane, came out to stroke the top of Glynda's head. Down below them, the coffee cup (that had a pretty blue flower on the front) wheeled back the way it had come, its job done for the moment. "There, see? It'll be fiiiine."
The coffee cup (that had a pretty blue flower on the front) came flying out of the shadows once more, latching on to an unfortunate students backside. From where they were standing, a ways up and behind bulletproof glass, Ozpin and Glynda could hear it snarling.
Glynda turned her head slowly to stare up at Ozpin. She didn't need to say anything, her eyes were doing that for her.
Ozpin ruffled her hair slightly, which had the added benefit of pushing her fringe down over her glasses. "Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine."
XxX
"Now, it is important to remember that General Legume sucked shit at his job. Rumours of Faunus operatives bending him over his desk and forcing him to anally indulge a fifteen inch metal pole unfortunately were mere rumours, but if we are to take into consideration the General's infamous homophobia, that paints quite the picture for effective, metaphorical, and ironic propaganda for those on the Faunus' side during the revolution. I find myself enamoured with irony extremely easily. Haven't a clue why."
Oobleck idly twirled a pencil between his fingers, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration from where he was lying on his back in front of his desk. The room at large, writing apparatuses already in hand, began jotting down notes, the sound of paper being scratched eventually dying down as Oobleck dropped the pencil and sighed to himself.
"It turned out that attempting to subjugate and enslave a race naturally blessed with superhuman strength, reflexes and senses was a bad idea. Menagerie was at the time considered a perfectly peaceful land, and perhaps if your great grandfather payed attention in class, Mr. Winchester, he wouldn't be looked back upon as such a homicidal clown."
Cardin raised his head off his desk, unclasping one hand from around his aching balls long enough to flip the good doctor off. The pencil Oobleck had been twirling embedded itself up to the eraser in the wood beside his head, and in the same moment Cardin's books were out, his posture impeccable and a pen in his hands.
"Yes, Duke Winchester's adulterous son dragged his knuckles down to the recruitment office and joined the rest of his thick-browed brethren. Climbed the ranks like his daddy's love and acceptance was hiding at the top. Ah, love, such a fickle emotion." Oobleck's expression hadn't shifted at all, the ceiling still subject to his bland stare. His form flickered for a moment, before it settled back into perfect visibility, the pencil once again dancing between his fingers. "Now, I realise that first year is entirely about combat and anyone who shows even the slightest amount of interest in garnering knowledge will be punched in the stomach if they're not the ones punching people in the stomach, but can anybody tell me what is generally considered the turning point in the 'Great Faunus'- yes, Ms Schnee?"
Weiss lowered her hand, not bothering to question how Oobleck was able to see her raise it when he was effectively looking in the opposite direction. "The battle that took place at Fort Castle."
"Excellent, Ms Schnee. Next class I shall bring in a cookie. Now, I would ask for a volunteer for this next question, but I already have somebody perfect in mind." Jaune almost swallowed his tongue when Oobleck materialised in front of him, the man leaning against the desk with both hands propped up underneath his chin to support himself. "Mr. Arc, your school records so far have indicated that you are inept and likely didn't receive the oxygen you required during birth. You have been getting better, however, which is why I'll ask you what many theorise to be the General's biggest mistake during the battle of Fort Castle?"
Jaune's eyes flicked from left to right, his mind going over all the notes he could remember taking at a furious pace. So focused was he, he didn't notice Blake suspending a silver orb over Pyrrha's head while his partner curled her hands over her eyes and rotated them from side to side.
"Uh…um… oh, terrain!" Jaune clicked his fingers, nodding resolutely to himself as all his friends glanced at one another. That… was entirely wrong - historically the Faunus had only arrived three hours before their opposition - but it wasn't that bad a guess. "They knew the layout better, so they could plan out ambushes and traps and stuff!"
Everyone in the room blinked, and in that moment Oobleck's glasses were back on his face. Tilting them down, he looked Jaune dead in the eye, his hair falling forward to cover his forehead. "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"
"…Yes, sir. Why do you ask?"
"No reason whatsoever, Mr. Arc. Don't worry your pretty little poorly phrased head over it." Oobleck pushed himself up, glancing out over the class. His gaze passed over many of the students, before landing on Cardin's once again slumped form. With a sigh, he pulled his glasses from his face, rubbing at his eyes with a thumb and forefinger. "I know I'm going to regret this, but Mr. Winchester, would you perchance have the answer?"
Cardin opened his mouth. Nobody proceeded to expect much, not even his own team. "General Legume had the disadvantage of having to train soldiers instead of animals? …Sir."
Oobleck twitched. His fingers moved from his eyes to his forehead. "Breath, Bart. Think of the lawsuits." His eyes snapped open a moment later, and everyone was surprised to see that they were brown, as opposed to their regular blue. "Screw it. Ozpin likes me, he'll pay them."
Jaune yelped as his belongings were blown throughout the room when Oobleck once again disappeared. The gust of wind that followed him up the stairs ruined the hair of everyone in the room, aside from Yang, whom had more than likely purposefully been averted. Cardin actually shrieked when Oobleck reappeared on his desk, the teacher leaning forward with his legs crossed, his elbows resting against his knees.
"My apologies for scaring you, Cardin, but I feel like it is time for a talk that you really should have been given before this point." Generally, someone sitting cross-legged on a table in front of you wasn't all that scary. Generally, that person wasn't a fully qualified Hunter; a fully qualified Hunter considered good enough to educate at Beacon Academy; a fully qualified Hunter considered good enough to educate at Beacon Academy and whom you had just pissed off royally. "I had hoped that you were considering changing your attitude after our first encounter, but I see now that I was mistaken to leave you to your own devices."
Oobleck slouched down further, somehow making the defeated gesture seem threatening. "Beacon Academy is an equal opportunity facility, for humans and Faunus alike. This is the last home any of you will have before we I as a teacher barter your lives away and sell your souls into a war that has no end within view. You will fight Grimm, you will fight Faunus, and you will fight humans. Unless you happen to be a portion of the top ten percentile, you will die in the line of duty. By walking these halls, by eating our food, by sleeping in your beds, you have accepted these conditions."
Cardin leaned back in an attempt to maintain distance as Oobleck closed some of it. The doctor's eyes were narrowed into little more than slits, the only indication that he was anything more than mildly bored.
"I had my fair share of interactions with people much like you in my youth. I am still here. I am alive, pushing the next generation of warriors forward in an attempt to protect this world. I had to help bury them. If you believe for even a second that I will allow this behaviour to continue within these walls, then as a teacher and a student, we have reached an impasse." With a flash of light and waver in the air above Cardin's desk, Oobleck was back in front of the class, his glasses over his eyes and reflecting enough glare to hide them away completely. "That goes for everyone in this school, not just in my presence. Attitudes like this are what cut lives short, what impacts teamwork in the field. Having someone watch your back is imperative in combat, there will be situations where having someone you can rely on will be the sole difference between a victory and a collection of corpses."
The chime of the bell going off cut right through the sombre mood that had fallen on the room, the only movements being Cardin shoving his belongings into an easy to carry pile and Jaune ducking under his desk to pick everything that had dropped, though he was still keeping an ear out.
"If worst comes to worst, the lesson will be beaten into your heads. Whatever happens at Beacon, it can't possibly be worse than what a Grimm will do once it has you." Cardin scoffed, his progress down the stairs impaired as the pencil was once again imbedded in a surface within breathing distance of his body. "Remember, you signed up for this. Now, dismissed."
The final word was what finally broke down the floodgates. People gathered their belongings and made their way towards the door, silence as deafening as a Dust explosion filling what was usually jovial conversation. Jaune shuffled around under his desk, gathering together all his errant pencils as the last of the footsteps died down.
He had been just about to stand up when a familiar voice rang through the classroom, quiet and unmistakable.
"Uh, Doctor Oobleck?" Jaune had never heard Blake sound so hesitant before. Granted, he'd barely heard her at all, considering she barely talked during group meetings and he only really knew her name by proxy of other people saying it around him. "Can I discuss something with you? It's… it's important."
XxX
So, am I doing alright? I mean, I never planned on turning this into a full blown story, and I don't have much of a plot in mind besides increasingly ridiculous attempts to sabotage coffee intake and shadowing the canon storyline, but this is a borderline crackfic focusing on one Doctor Snarktholomew Mmbleck, so, I guess I just really don't know.
Here's a question for you so I don't have to end this note on an awkward note; who is your favourite RWBY character and why? I think I would have to go with Roman, because he's hilarious, but that might change. I'm only up to the end of Volume 1 atm, so I can't wait until shit gets dark and depressing.
Till next chapter!
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