Even as a kid, Alex loved being alone. It wasn't the same as being lonely which she'd been at times in her childhood with Diane working late and not many friends. But she craved time by herself to write music or poetry or listen to The Clash on her little Discman Diane had bought her for Christmas the year she'd turned twelve. Now she had Nicky and Poussey and the weird little dysfunctional family they'd formed (fractured as though they might be) and a group of people she casually socialized with at home in New York and she wasn't quite the loner she was when she was younger but Alex still needed time away from everyone and everything to gather her own thoughts, to breathe. Before a show, it was especially important in order to focus, after a show, when she'd given everything she had playing, working the crowd, she needed it to wind down and get back into her own headspace.
The others couldn't understand her penchant for privacy. Nick, specifically liked to surround herself with people a good majority of the time and it wasn't unusual for Alex, upon coming to her door in the morning to catch a glimpse of a random girl she'd brought home the night before. They all picked up girls on road on occasion but Nicky's fear of being alone seemed to intensify when Lorna left. "Whatever works, man," Poussey shrugged when she and Alex had discussed it one day. "Better sex than a coke binge, right?"
The guitarist's pre show ritual was pretty simple. She liked to do something physical like go for a run or a hike (depending on what city they were in), then jump in the shower, take a nap and eat a quick meal with protein to sustain her and head to the venue to warm up. Poussey and Nicky teased her relentlessly because she never varied from what she did from one city to the next but she usually gave them the finger because it worked for her.
It was four thirty when she got to The Fox, guitar in tow and with her concert attire. She checked in with Denny, one of the doormen, waved hello to the stagehands who were setting up and headed into the dressing room. She was there before anyone else, which wasn't surprising. Red would be around closer to six and the girls would probably come ambling in for sound check shortly after that.
For now, Alex was glad to be alone to fuck around with some chords and just relax. When Piper got there at five, they'd go over some stuff, she reasoned. Poussey hadn't been remotely facetious when she said the blonde had sounded good the day before. Stupid, school girl crush aside, she sounded fucking amazing singing their songs, better than Lorna had ever sounded (not that she'd ever say as much to Nicky). Alex had no doubt she was ready to perform and from what Red had alluded earlier, they were nearly sold out, not an easy feat for a band with one album under their belt.
The brunette kicked off her boots after hanging her outfit on the costume rack. She'd just taken her guitar out of it's well worn case and settled on the plush velvet sofa she'd come to love when a sound made her take pause.
A sniffle. She stilled and craned her neck, trying to determine where in the room the sound was coming from. There it was again. Ever so slight but it was there.
"What the fuck?" Alex muttered to herself, getting up. "Better not be a mouse." Big, bad tattooed, motor cycle riding, beer drinking Alex was afraid of nothing but she sure as fuck didn't do rodents.
Brandishing her guitar in front of her body like a sword, she walked cautiously to where she thought she heard the sniffling, in the corner of the make up mirrors.
"Piper?" Alex was thrown for a complete loop. Of all the things she'd expected to find, Piper Chapman curled up in a little ball in the corner crying quietly was the very last. "What are you doing here?"
As soon as the question left her lips, Alex wanted to slap herself. Sometimes she was only second to Nicky in the tact department. "Sorry...it's...I don't...why are you crying? I mean, what's wrong? God, I really suck at this."
Piper smiled slightly and wiped her eyes. "No, I'm the one who's sorry. Blubbering in the corner like some baby. You must think I'm insane."
Something about the way her mouth drooped at the corners made Alex's chest tighten and not knowing what else to do, she plopped down next to her.
"Hey, hey, it's OK. It's OK." She said gently, placing a hand on her shoulder. It was so odd, she realized, how she didn't have the urge to run or leave Piper to her own devices. Alex Vause did not do well with crying women (especially if they were crying over her) and the second the waterworks started, she backed off immediately. It may have made her a cold bitch she supposed but any outward display of extreme emotion set her on edge. The exception to the rule was Nicky, who'd all but had a complete breakdown in her arms shortly after Lorna was out of the picture but even that encounter (though she'd do just about anything for the girl) had left her anxious.
Piper suddenly looked alot less put together. She looked small and vulnerable and instead of running, Alex stayed. She stayed and kept her hand on the shoulder of a woman who she barely knew for no other reason than the sudden protectiveness that had welled up inside her which had seemed to come from absolutely no where.
"Sorry," The other woman apologized again. "I know, I'm pathetic, right?"
Alex shook her head. "You're not pathetic."
"I so am," She sighed. "I thought if I came here really early, by myself, if I could hang out in the space a little, I wouldn't be so..." Piper looked down. "I wasn't honest with you. I don't think I can do this."
Her jaw almost dropped to the foor. "What do you mean?"
"I mean I've only ever played bars before," She admitted softly, biting on her bottom lip. "Like with 30 people, max. And I had a massive fucking panic attack before everyone of those gigs too." She brought her gaze to meet Alex's and instead of the confidence that'd been evident in her blue eyes eyes before, now, all Alex could see within their depths was fear. "And Larry's not my manager. I thought it would sound better and he convinced me Red wouldn't even see me if she knew I wasn't a real singer. I mean, like a professional one."
"But your demo-"
"I recorded it in a friend's studio," She replied, bringing her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them. "I wasn't shopping it around anywhere. I heard from a guy at one my gigs who knew Red personally and that she was looking for a new lead singer and he told me I needed a demo so Larry said I should go for it. Never mind I never sang in a venue like this one, ever. " Piper's gaze remained steady on hers. "Now you know. I'm nothing but a liar. A fraud. Do you hate me?"
Lying was something Alex had zero tolerance for and she'd definitely banished people from her life for less. Rationally, she knew how fucking shitty and deceitful Piper (and fucking Larry, ugh) had been and that she should be telling her to get the hell out and just sing all their songs herself . Rationally, she knew this was what should have happened and she could only imagine what Nicky would've said (she could think of a few choice things, actually) .
But there was nothing rational about the way Piper made her feel. Or how secretly pleased she was that she wasn't as perfect as she seemed or why the hell her hand was still resting on her shoulder, the flesh beneath her fingers so soft and delicate through the thin material of her shirt, she wanted to touch more of her.
"Shit, Piper..."
"I know."
"I don't hate you. I mean, I get it . I actually think it took balls. It was a dumbass thing to do but...God, some of the fucking stupid shit I did when I was starting out too..." She winced. "Yeah, you shouldn't have lied, obviously, because it definitely could've all blown up in your face but you're forgetting one thing ..." Alex nudged closer to her, closing the small gap between them. "You're an amazing singer. And I'm not just saying that. Ask Nicky, I'm pretty fucking stingy with praise...I haven't heard someone as good as you in a long time. And you're definitely not a fraud."
Piper didn't look as certain. "You don't think so?"
"Fuck no," Alex replied empathically. "You are the real deal, kid. And there's no reason to be scared. You just have to go out there and sing like you did at rehearsal. Don't pay any attention to any of the other shit, OK? I'll deal with it. All you have to do is sing. Deal?"
Her eyes searched Alex's face frantically. "How do you know I won't freeze? I peeked outside the curtain and I almost threw up, Alex. There's a lot of seats out there."
"Because I know you won't, " The brunette told her firmly, rising . She offered her hand and Piper took it, allowing herself to be pulled to her feet . "You will be just fine. Believe me, aright?" She squeezed her hands in hers. "If you get overwhelmed, just shoot me a look, OK? I'll take care of it."
"Alex," She started, shaking her head. "You're being so great about this and I feel like such an asshole..."
"Oh, don't get me wrong, I still think you're an asshole but I believe in you. Honestly, I don't give a fuck where you played before or for how many people and I'm actually really fucking relieved Larry's not your manager. I care about the fact you're our singer and we need you."
"I don't want to let you down."
"Then get your ass on stage," she said simply, "and let's warm up."
Piper flung her arms around Alex's neck. "You're an amazing person, do you know that?"
Alex felt herself hugging her back. "Don't let it get around, might ruin my bad ass reputation."
Piper laughed. "I promise. I'll meet you out there?"
"One minute, OK? I'm just gonna pee. Oh and Piper? You don't have to worry about me saying anything about what you told me. To anyone."
"Thanks," She said gratefully. "That means a lot." Grabbing her water bottle, she turned toward the door. "See you in a few minutes."
Alex watched her go, her mind swimming and her heart racing. Good God, she didn't need the distraction tonight, between Piper's revelation and more pressing, the way she'd had felt in her arms.
She fit.
"Snap out of it," She chastised herself loud. There was no way she would be able to think about much more tonight. As much as she was reeling from it all and the night hadn't even begun.
They had a show to do.
