Alex knew pain. When you were poor and different, it came with the territory. It was going without and it was wanting what you couldn't have. Music helped dull (if not completely alleviate) it and eventually, she had discovered it was simply a part of being alive.
But nothing could have prepared her for the crushing blow that had been delivered when Piper walked out of the dressing room. The actual physycal ache nearly brought her to her knees, absolutely flooring her with its intensity. It shouldn't have come as a surprise that the other woman had gone after him, after all, they were together for eight years, and it made complete sense that Piper wouldn't want to see him hurt.
A small part of her though, the part she masked with flip remarks and a cocky grin, that part of her wanted to ask, But can't she see that I'm hurting too?
After sitting on the sofa for what seemed like a century, Alex finally decided to go back to the hotel and get into a hot bath. There wasn't much else she could do, not until she spoke to Piper, and that didn't seem feasible. The bath would calm her body, shaking from the both the adrenaline rush of performing and the scene that unfolded with Larry and briefly, she toyed with the idea of a small glass of red wine to help her sleep before her still slightly aching head let her know it probably would not be a great idea.
On the short T ride back, she caught herself glancing down at her phone. It was stupid, she knew, because there was no chance she would hear from Piper that night, but she stared at it just the same as if she were willing it to ring.
She looked it at getting off the T, while she walked the block to the hotel, and again still while she got on the elevator. She was so absorbed in hoping that Piper would send some kind of messege to clue her in on what the hell was going on, she almost missed Poussey get on with her.
"Hey," The drummer greeted, barely looking at her. She was distracted and similarly to Alex, her eyes were glued to her phone.
"What the hell are you doing back here? Where's Nicky?" Alarm bells began to go off in her head. "You left them alone? What the fuck, P?"
"Whoa, whoa, calm down, man. Do you really think it was by choice? We made awkward ass small talk, Morello ignored me...she kept talking about her fuckin' fiance. Then she asked if they could talk alone...said she wanted to apologize. Nick got real quiet and said OK." Poussey shook her head. "I tried to talk her out of it...but you know when she's got an idea in her head...she said not to wait around and she would call me when she's done ."
"I don't fucking trust her," Alex got off on the sixteenth floor, motioning for Poussey to follow. "All she has to say is something that will mess with her head and she relapses again.. or falls for her fucking manipulative-"
"I know. Believe me, man...I don't like the idea of them alone anymore than you," The drummer stepped inside Alex's room as she opened the door. "But there was nothin' else I could do. She said she needed closure. I gotta give it to her." She sat on the bed, studying her hands. "Not just cuz I love her," she admitted softly, "It was a shit situation and she's just comin' back from it. If hearing her excuses, even though we both know it's bullshit, is what she needs, well, I'm just gonna hafta be OK with that, ain't I?"
"It's not that I doubt Nick. But she has demons and I know Morello knows exactly how to take advantage of them." The guitarist grabbed a water from the mini bar and tossed one to Poussey.
"We all got demons," She looked at Alex pointedly. "Speakin' of...what happened with Piper? She wind up tellin' Larry?"
Alex sighed. "Long story."
"Well, something happened cuz, don't take this the wrong way, but you look like shit."
"I feel pretty much the same, dude." She collasped on the bed behind her, groaning. "Ugh. To make a long story short, Larry saw Piper and I kissing backstage. We didn't hear him, obviously, and after the show, he let us know he saw us."
"Holy shit."
"Yup. He was devastated then he got pissed and walked out. Piper followed him."
"Damn, son." Poussey exclaimed lowly. "How bout you? Whatcha thinkin' now?"
"I don't know what to fucking think anymore. I know she needs to hash things out with him. I know that...but it doesn't make the situation suck any less."
"No," agreed she agreed, flopping backward on the bed with her, "It don't."
A buzzing cut though the brief silence as they both looked at their phones (Alex's heart had skipped a beat) and Poussey sighed with relief as she quickly replied back. "Nick's on her way up here."
"Thank Christ," Alex was relieved. Knowing her best friend was safe and accounted for was one less thing she had to worry about.
After a few minutes, Poussey opened the door, giving her a quick (but tight) hug and Alex didnt have to ask how things had gone because it was clear from Nicky's downcast gaze, it had been tough.
"Nick..." Alex treaded cautiously as the orher woman sat in the desk chair. "You good?"
She bought her head up amd instantly, Alex could tell she had been crying. "Yeah. I mean, I will be. I told her I wasn't gonna let her get inside my head anymore. She made all kinds of excuses...then she told me she still loved me but marrying Jeff, Jon, whatever the fuck his name is, made sense."
"Sorry you had to go through that, man," Alex touched her arm. "But I'm goddamn thrilled you told her she wasn't gonna get inside your head. She needed to hear it just as much as you needed to say it."
"Yeah. Anyway...then she tried to kiss me. I pushed her away..." Nicky said, sneaking a glance at Poussey who remained silent. "Said she was like a fucking poision in my blood that I hadn't been able to get rid of but no more. I told her to enjoy her life, even if it was a lie, and not to try to contact me again."She looked again to Poussey in an attempt to gauge the other woman's reaction.
"Yo, don't get me wrong, man," Poussey finally said, playing with the cap to her water bottle. "I'm happy ya'll are cuttin' ties. I kept my mouth shut for a long damn time now bout' how fuckin' toxic that girl is for you. But I want you to feel you can move on, ya know? That it was somethin' you did cuz you needed to do it for you, not cuz we wanted you to." Her brown eyes were warm. "Personal shit aside, I just want you to be happy."
"Me too," Alex quietly interjected.
"P," Nicky took both the drummer's hands in hers,"Its over. I'm done. The past few months have made me into the worst possible asshole version of myself and I never fucking wanna feel like that again. She made me into the worst version of myself...I'm ready to take back my life, OK? And I couldn't have done it without you...you've been here, the whole time, even when I was a complete dick. You have no idea how much that means to me." They locked gazes and the intensity between them made Alex clear her throat.
"Uh, hey, hi. I'm still here. I can leave you two alone if you want...even though this is my room..."
Nicky waved dismissively. "We're good. Hey, what happened with you? You look like shit."
"That's what I said," Poussey agreed.
"You guys suck." Exhaling, Alex recounted the same events she had explained to Poussey and after she was finished, Nicky shook her head.
"It's bullshit, Al, and you know it. You can keep making excuses for her left and right but the fact of the matter is, she knows who she wants."
"It's more complicated than that," The guitarist argued weakly.
"No, it's not. She's hanging on to him because of some twisted sense of obligation...maybe she feels sorry for the asshole, I don't really know. She probably fell out of love with him a long time ago...people change, they grow apart...meeting you just kinda permanently broke what was already cracking." Nicky was matter of fact. "That's the reality of it all, Alex. You told me the same thing when I was stuck in Lorna land, but I refused to listen. So if there's one time in your life when you should just shut the fuck up and pay attention to what I'm saying, it's now. You need to tell her to quit the bullshit. Make a choice. If she can't, let her go. And that's it."
Although Alex was not shocked by her best friend's bluntness, she was shocked by her own reaction. There was no innate need to defend the blonde, no excuses to be made. She had expected to argue Piper's case, to tell Nicky she didn't know specifics, but there was not a single doubt in her mind the bassist was absolutely correct. Piper needed to make a decision once and for all, even if it was one she didn't want to accept.
"You feel that way too?" She asked Poussey, half expecting her to come to Piper's rescue, but she nodded slowly.
"Yeah, man...I like Chapman. She's talented and nice and anybody with eyes can see she's madly in love with you...but it's like Nick said. She's afraid of hurtin' Bloom but she's hurtin' you too. You deserve love, dude. You deserve happiness. And I hope it's with Chapman, but if it ain't, if she can't give you what you deserve, well then, you got your own decision to make."
"Thanks for being straight with me. Both of you. Even though its fucking hard to hear. But it was what I needed."
She knew Nicky would be honest but Poussey's candor surprised her. The drummer had obviously come a long way from the woman who had tried to please everyone by remaining a neutral (and often silent), party and Alex couldn't help but think her feelings for Nicky and the whole Morello situation had something to do with the shift.
"Anytime, Vause. That's what we're here for." Nicky, who had moved to the bed, put an arm around Poussey. "What a long, crazy ass day," she yawned loudly.
"Go get some sleep," Alex ordered. "We've got another long day ahead."
"Hey, you want us to stay? We can, if you need us to." Poussey offered kindly to which Alex immediately shook her head.
"No, I'm fine, OK...I'll be fine," she corrected in deference to her friends' skeptical expressions. "Don't worry about me. I'm gonna take a hot bath and crash."
"You sure? Cuz we totally don't mind, dude. We'll even watch that Gilmore Girls shit with you." Nicky arched an eyebrow and Alex smiled slightly, which she supposed had been her friend's intention.
"Wow, as much as I appreciate the enormous sacrifice, for the last time, go. Everything is fine. You guys obviously need to be alone to do whatever it is you need to do, so I'm officially kicking everyone out. See you tomorrow at 1, OK?"
Finally alone, Alex was able to take her bath and fall into a fitful sleep. It was bad enough that the scene from hours before kept playing on a loop in her brain but she had grown so accustomed to falling asleep (and waking up) with Piper close, it was extremely difficult to relax without her there.
The next morning Alex woke and dressed quickly, grabbing a light breakfast and coffee from the cafe next door to the hotel before heading out on one of her long, rambling walks. There was a voicemail from Diane asking how things were going which she was definitely going to wait to answer until she knew what was happening.
As she walked to Downtown Crossing, tempted to do a little retail therapy, a text came into her phone, her heart pounding loudly in her own ears when she saw it was from Piper.
Hey...Larry doesn't know I'm texting you but I need to speak to you after the interview.
She let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding. OK. I'll talk to you then. Would Larry be there? She couldn't help but worry that he would be. Not knowing the state of where they had left things was killing her slowly.
At five to one, she arrived at the radio station, Poussey and Nicky in tow. Having been sent the list of questions in advance, Red was more at ease and even joked a little with them, which Alex was grateful for as she was in no mood to deal with one of the manager's tantrums. Then she spotted Piper standing wordlessly in the corner of the room and gave her a small wave.
"Hey," She stepped toward her. In spite of carefully applied make-up, Alex noticed her blue eyes were puffy and she was dressed extremely simply in a fitted black t-shirt, blue jeans, and black flats, her hair pulled away from her face. She wore no jewelry and glaringly absent was her engagement ring.
"Hey Pipes,"Alex wanted to take her in her arms but she held back. There was something distant about the singer. Not cold, necessarily, but a little removed from the rest of them, from the idea of the interview itself, from Alex. "How are you holding up?" she inquired softly.
"We'll talk later."
"Sure," She managed, forcing herself to sound casual. "Whatever you want."
"Stand firm, man, OK?" Nicky nudged her as they made their way down the hall that lead to the studio. "You got this."
"Let's just get through this."
The interview, while painless, was much less fun than that the previous one, and Alex found herself grateful when it was over. Piper was tense and it was evident in her voice that it was the last place in the world she wanted to be.
When they were through and walking out of the building, Piper turned to Alex. "Walk with me?"
Side by side they headed to a small park down the street. The weekday afternoon ensured their privacy and they sat down in a patch of grass under a weeping willow. For moment, neither spoke.
"He's destroyed, Al," Piper began, plucking a blade of grass and rubbing it between her fingertips. "I mean, I knew he would be, obviously but the look on his face...he left for a few hours last night after we got home...said he had to think. He finally came back around midnight and he was crying, asking me when it happened. I had to tell him everything."
Piper's eyes welled up and Alex touched her arm. "What did he say?"
She wiped her eyes. "He said he's more upset that I cheated at all then the fact it was with a woman. And that it wasn't just about sex, though he said it made total sense why I kept rejecting him. But then he did something crazy..."
"What?"
"He told me he still loved me. That he was willing to forgive me but it was going to take a long time to be able to trust me again."
Alex felt a sharp pain shoot through the center of her chest. "He's willing to overlook the fact you're in love with somebody else?"
"He said we could still get married, under one condition...that I cut all ties with you. That I leave the band. I told him no. There was no way in hell I was giving this up...for anyone."
"And the other part?" She hated how her voice sounded so incredibly insecure. It was not something she was used to.
"I said I needed time to think about it." She looked at her then. "I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear."
A spark of indigation welled up inside her and she shook her head. "I love you, kid, but this isn't want I want. I want to be your choice, you know? Your only one. I wanna go to sleep with you every night and wake up with you every day and make music with you...I want all of you, Piper, not just a piece. I told myself I was OK with that for a long time, but now I'm not."
"Al," The blonde's tears fell fast and she reached out to stroke Alex's cheek. "It's complicated."
"But it isn't. Not really. Do you love me?"
"You know that I do."
"Do you love Larry?"
She paused, glancing at her hands. "A part of me does."
"But you're not in love with him."
"We built a life together, Alex. You don't understand." Piper's voice was strangled.
"If you're willing to marry someone out of some sense of obligation, then you're right, I don't understand. But this shit has to end, Piper. I won't be your little secret anymore. I can't do it."
"That's not what you are to me."
"It's the truth. I want you, Pipes." She took her face in her hands. "More than anything. And I know that you want me too. I guess I'm asking you to choose between the life everyone else thinks you should have and the life you want."
"And if I can't make that choice?" She questioned softly, her blue eyes stormy, "What happens next?"
"Then we're bandmates. Nothing more." Alex's own eyes brimmed with unshed tears which she brushed away as an unwanted annoyance. "You let me know tonight. I'll see you later."
And with that, Alex rose, finally letting her tears spill, concentrating on the ebb and flow of her breath, counting cracks in the sidewalk, anything so that she wouldn't look back.
