"Vause, yo, man, what the fuck is going on?"

Alex groaned, opening one eye slowly as she attempted to process the assault on her senses that was occurring. The blanket was ripped off and the blinds were opened and her entire body felt like it was run over by a Mack truck. Struggling to wake up, she realized that Nicky was the culprit. No surprise there.

"Why did I give you a key again?" She mumbled, rolling to her side. "What time is it?"

"Are you fuckin' kidding?" Nicky asked incredulously, hands on her hips, "You were supposed to be on the bus ten minutes ago. Haven't you heard your phone? I've been calling you all morning. You could've been in a fucking ditch for all I knew."

"Shit," She grabbed it from the nightstand, " It was on silent," She squinted at the screen. "Where the fuck are my glasses?"

"On the floor." The bassist handed them to her. "Where the hell were you last night? Ya know what, don't answer that. Better if I don't know. We can talk on the bus. Get dressed. Red's having a fucking coronary."

For a second, she wanted to ask about Piper until she remembered there was no Piper anymore. At least how she used to be. How they used to be. So she pulled herself into a sitting position, attempting to stand and instantly, she realized she wouldn't be able to do it herself.

Nicky was texting furiously as she shook her head. "Red is gonna kill you, you know. Fucked up night or not...you know how she is. Especially after the shit show last night? Trying to do major damage control here, man. You owe me."

"Nick?" Alex interrupted, "This is so fucking mortifying, but I need help."

She blinked. "With what?"

"Uh, getting out of bed. Getting dressed."

"Holy shit, dude," Her friend whistled lowly, "You have a hell of a hangover, huh? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say your talk with Chapman didn't go well."

"Can you just help me, please?"

"No problem," Nicky shut up and went over to the side of the bed, supporting Alex's waist as she stood, guiding her to the bathroom so she could wash her face and brush her teeth.

"Can you grab me some clothes in the drawers? Doesn't matter what."

"Sure, be right back. You gonna be OK?"

"I can't really answer that," She bit her lip. "But I can kind of stand up now on my own. It was just the initial getting up that sucked."

"Two seconds," Nicky promised, shutting the door behind her.

Alex stared down her reflection in the mirror. Her green eyes flashed back at her, wild, not unlike an animal's and though her pupils were no longer dialiated as the drugs slowly departed her body, the heaviness had not left her limbs and her still head felt inflated and fuzzy. She had forgotten how horrible this part was, the coming down. The high, the rush, had always done its job, it was afterward which was the problem because it never really removed the sadness which had been her initial quest in the first place.

She had just pulled off her sweatshirt when Nicky knocked, coming in before she had the chance to answer. (It was a habit she had adopted not long after they met and it drove Alex insane. "Why bother to knock if you're just gonna walk right in before I get a chance to answer?" She had asked repeatedly to which Nicky would retort, "As a fucking courtsey, jerk," and roll her eyes). Almost immediately she realized what her friend would zone in on and she made a hurried, futile attempt to cover her arms.

"Jesus Christ, Vause," She dropped the clothes in a pile on the floor, coming close to her. "What the fuck is that? No, shut up. I know what it is. You used last night, didn't you? That's the reason why you couldn't get up or get dressed or barely move."

"I'm sorry..." Alex said weakly, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "It was fucking stupid."

"You bet your life it was fucking stupid," Nicky was bright red as she paced the bathroom, "Tell me, man, what the actual fuck were you thinking? You've been clean since we were nineteen years old. What was so bad that made you turn to that shit again?" Stopping, she looked into her eyes and burst out laughing, a humorless one that made Alex wince. "Because of her? Because she picked fucking Larry over you? That's some stupid ass shit I would do, Vause. People expect me to fuck up, but you?" She shook her head, "You're smarter than that. It's been sixteen years...you could have died, you do understand that, right? It could've only taken one hit to kill you. Is she worth dying over? Cuz I can answer that for you, honey. That's a resounding fuck no."

"I know you're pissed, Nick, and I get why...but you don't understand, OK?" Her voice cracked as she sat down on the toilet seat. "I wanted not to feel anymore...it hurt so fucking bad that I was willing to do anything to forget."

"Oh, I don't understand wanting to dull pain? Why the fuck do you think I started using in the first place, huh? But I'm not going to sit by and watch you destroy yourself because you lost someone. You can cry and scream and fucking break shit and tell her to go to hell and talk about her to me till four in the damn morning and sleep around but you will not do this, understand?" She was shaking with rage and something Alex recognized as fear.

"You don't have to worry. It was a one time thing."

"You better believe it was, Vause. Because if you ever even think about touching that shit again, I'll fucking kill you. Or I'll call Diane and have her kill you." Her friend picked up the clothes from the floor and tossed them to her. "I'd grab a hoodie too if I were you till the bruises fade."

"So you won't say anything to anybody?"

"You want Red finding out? No fucking way." Nicky took her by both shoulders and looked into her eyes. "Promise me you're gonna call if you need me. You don't need to put on your stupid tough kud act. Not with me. I told you, man, you've been picking my sorry ass off the ground since we were kids, it's the least I can do. OK?"

The guitarist let out a breath. "OK."

"Good. Now that that's settled, let's go before Red leaves us in motherfuckin' Boston."

The second they stepped foot on the bus, Red opened her mouth to reprimand her but Nicky shook her head. "Not today, Red." She didn't need to further elaborate and Red (who Alex had to admit had a maternal side that came out when she wasn't bitching at them) had the good grace to keep silent.

Letting Nicky lead her to where Poussey was already seated, she collasped into the seat, not before zoning in on Piper who was sitting alone at the back of the bus looking incredibly sad and adrift. Their eyes locked briefly before Alex slumped down wordlessly.

"How you doin, man?" Poussey nudged her softly as Nicky sat across from them. "You had us worried."

"Do you wanna tell her or should I?"

She quickly realized Nicky was referring to the Piper situation and not her error in judgement and she breathed in a tiny sigh of relief. "She's marrying Bloom," she said quietly, turning to the drummer. "Before you ask, no, I'm not fine. Yes, the band will be fine. Maybe eventually, me personally, I'll be fine. Right now it blows and I don't really wanna fucking talk. I just wanna sleep. We clear?"

"Uh, yeah, man, yeah, we good. I'm here if you know you, change your mind or somethin'. Just so you know. If not, that's cool too."

"Thanks" She replied, shutting her eyes. The events of the past three days had been both physicalily and mentally draining and all she wanted to do was to check out and wake up when things were clear.

The next thing she knew, Nicky was shaking her shoulder to get off the bus and they departed first, leaving Piper to her own devices. It hadn't been what she wanted; a divided band, but she had also known that Nicky and Poussey were going to be her support system, first and foremost. Still the part of her that wasn't pissed and indescribably sad felt a little pang of guilt regarding her friends snubbing of the other woman.

They checked into their hotel and Alex was dragged to dinner by her bandmates before rehearsal, a fact she grumbled about. "I'm fine," She insisted, managing a few bites of dry chicken before chugging enough water to be able to swallow. "You guys don't need to babysit."

"Who's babysitting?" Nicky stole a French fry off of Poussey's plate, "Can't we just go out to dinner with our friend?"

"Right. I'm sure you have better things to do."

If she had blinked, she might have missed it, but she caught the bearest hint of a smile that her friends exchanged and in spite of her own anguish, she couldn't help but smile herself.

"You guys have something you wanna tell me?"

Nicky shook her head, glancing at the drummer. "Nope."

"C'mon, Nick, obviously something's changed between you guys...just because my life's a total mess doesn't mean you have to hide anything. Besides, I could really, really use some good news right now."

"OK..." Nicky proceeded cautiously, taking another fry and dragging it through ketchup, "We're taking it really fuckin' slow...like slow motion slow...but yeah."

She reddened slightly as Alex gave her a high five, looking over at Poussey. "Seriously man? That's fucking awesome. I mean it. I'm really happy for you guys. About time."

The drummer waved her away sheepishly but she was grinning. "Hey," she said, changing the subject, "Al, man, you gonna be able to get through this rehearsal? We can skip it if it's too much too soon..."

"After the show last night? No way. Look, she's gonna be there and I'm gonna have to face her and it sucks but what can I do? She's in this band and I knew what I was getting into. I'll have to find a way to deal with it, won't I?" Alex pushed her plate aside, sneaking a look at her phone. "I'm going to return Diane's phone call before she starts calling Nick too. I'll meet up with you guys in an hour OK?"

It was a relief to be outside the restaurant with its stifling air and her friends who were clearly treating her with kid gloves and whose happiness she did not want to ruin. Talking to her mother (and revisting the whole thing over the phone) was the last thing she wanted to do but Diane had called twice over the span of a few days and Alex knew that not contacting her would only cause her to worry (something she figured she had done more than enough of in the past). Screwing up her courage, she hit Diane's contact button and proceeded to walk down the street.

"Hey baby!" Her mother's warm voice greeted and Alex could immediately detect the relief in it. "I was beginning to think I was never gonna hear from you again"

"Yeah, sorry about that. It's been a crazy couple of days."

"I figured. Wish I could've made it to the show in Boston. Or that you could've made it home," She said wistfully and it was all Alex could do to choke back a sob. Bravado aside, no one could comfort her like her mother and the idea of running away to Northampton and saying fuck the rest of the tour was momentarily tempting, so much so that she dug her fingernails into her palm to keep from telling Diane she was about to do exactly that.

"Me too."

"Oh baby girl...you don't sound good. What happened, huh? Is it Piper?"

In her despair, she had forgotten that her mother could tell something was wrong just from the tone of her voice and she silently cursed her keen intuition. "Yeah...I put all my cards down, Ma...and she picked him."

"Oh baby..."

"It's OK, She shook her head as she picked up her pace. "I knew there was a chance it would end like this. I mean, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into."

"Do you think that makes it suck any less? Listen to me, Alex. You can't just accept that. I was there, ya know? I saw the way she looked at you. She's absolutely crazy about you...Now I don't know her reasons but it's clear as fuckin' day, she's scared. Why the hell else would she turn down a chance to be with you?"

"I can't fight if there's nothing to fight for, Mom. I asked her if there was the slightest chance for us and she told me she made her choice. What am I supposed to do? I love her but I'm not going to hang on for something that'll never happen."

"But to just quit...that's not like you, Al. "Her mother was pissed but Alex knew it was because she was frustrated with the the situation and the fact she felt powerless to make it better."There's gotta be something-"

"No. If this is what she wants, I have to put on my big girl pants and accept it. My main concern is this band. I'm not going to let my bad choices fuck us up again."

"Yeah, well, my main concern is you, Al. You're in pain right now and you can't lie to me, I know you are. If you're gonna accept that Piper loves this guy, you better be damn sure you can let her go. Because if there's the tiniest bit of doubt...well, you gotta think of a plan B."

"I'm done, Ma. I was willing to deal with anything else, as long as she wanted to be with me but I honestly don't think she knows what the fuck she wants. I can't wait around for her to change her mind. And what then? What if she ultimately decides that she can't be with me?" She wiped her eyes, "I'm not going to be able to go through this again."

"I know, honey. I just want you to be happy."

"That's going to take awhile." Alex said, kicking a pebble with the toe of her boot. "Look, I gotta go. Just wanted to let you know I was still alive."

"OK, baby. You call me tomorrow, understand? I wanna make sure you're takin' care of yourself."

Her mother's concern made her want to break completely down, to tear down the walls she was putting up with everyone else, to allow herself to be taken care of, to confess to Diane the lengths she had gone to to drive Piper out of her head and out of her soul.

"I'm a grown-up, Mom. I'll survive. I also have Nicky and P watching every move I make."

"Even so," Diane replied gently, "You forget that you don't hafta to be strong with me, Alex. I know how much you blame yourself when things don't work out...please just promise me you'll cut yourself some slack."

She sighed. "I'll do my best. Seriously, don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

"That's like telling me not to breathe." Diane paused. "You want me to talk to her?"

"To who? To Piper?" Alex laughed incredulously, drawing odd looks from passerbys. "God, no. No. That would be the worst thing ever."

"Maybe she would listen to me."

"And maybe it would look like I'm a thirty-five year old woman who has to have her mother fight her battles for her." Realizing she was coming across as hostile, she corrected herself, "Not that I don't appreciate it, Mom. I do. But I think the best thing for me is to make myself accept reality and then to pick up the pieces...no matter how much it sucks. I know you don't like seeing me hurt but you can't protect me anymore, as much as you want to."

"No mother wants to see their child hurting, Al. I'm no different." Now it was Diane's turn to sigh. "So I'll spare you the whole it's her loss shit and she's making a huge mistake and how she's losing the most wonderful person in the world...but that doesn't mean I'm not still thinkin' it."

"And I thank you for that. I'll call you tomorrow, OK?"

"You're not just sayin' that, right? You'll actually call?"

"Yes," She rolled her eyes, "I'll actually call. Love you."

"Love you too, baby. You let those girls take care of you, you hear me? For my sake."

"Bye Mom."

As she pressed end, Alex realized she was shaking. Diane had long been her biggest supporter, biggest advocate, biggest defender and telling her she was willing walking away from someone she had fallen in love with had been almost as painful as walking away from Piper herself.

She couldn't blame Diane for her disbelief. Throwing in the towel, waving a white flag, all of it was completely foreign to her. She was a fighter, a survivor, it was embedded in her fucking DNA and to admit defeat was so uncharacteristic of her, she wondered who the hell she had become. But the reason was a simple one...Piper had chosen the safe road. It wasn't something she wanted to even try to comprehend but it was the truth and there was absolutely nothing left to hold onto, nothing at all to cling to. It was over.

By the time she got to the rehearsal space in downtown Stamford, she had walked twenty blocks , consumed two cups of coffee along the way and while not entirely prepared to face Piper again, she felt slightly more confident in her ability to lead rehearsal professionally so that they could get through the next two Connecticut shows without falling apart.

The space was huge and painted with a sunny yellow hue that normally would have set her teeth on edge but settled some of her anxiety with its cheerful optimism, allowing some of the tightness in her chest to dissipate.

"Hey," Nicky handed her a bottle of water. "You sure you're up for this?"

"I don't have a choice," Alex shrugged, brushing back her hair from her shoulders. "Let's go," She commanded loudly not bothering to even look at the singer who had been on a curled up on the small beige sofa with her phone.

She glanced up, startled at Alex's abrasiveness but stood nonetheless as Nicky grabbed her bass and Poussey sat at the drum set. The guitarist picked up her own instrument and still not focusing on Piper, began to warm up. "The whole set, guys,and be prepared to be here till we're all a hundred and fifty fucking percent."

They went straight through for the entire two hours without a break and Alex was relentless, making them begin again at the slightest error. Nicky and Poussey said nothing with Nick only opening her mouth once to protest before Poussey nudged her in the ribs, instantly shutting her up.

After the fourth beginning of "Inevitable", Piper dropped the mic and as it clattered loudly to the ground, her bandmates stared at her, mouths open.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Alex asked hotly, glaring. "That's a five hundred dollar microphone."

"What the fuck is my problem?" The singer crossed her arms front of her chest and finally looking directly at her, Alex could see how pale her complexion was, how deep and cavernous the circles under her eyes were. It was obvious she hadn't slept and the brunette felt the smallest sense of satisfaction in knowing she was suffering.

"That's what I asked," She said cooly, training her eyes upon her.

"There's nothing wrong with how the song sounds and you know it. There's no reason to keep starting over...you're doing it to be an asshole."

"Hold on just a second," Nicky interjected, her eyes narrowing. "She's being an asshole? You really wanna go there right now?"

"Nick-" Poussey rose from behind the drum set, shaking her head, "Let's not-"

Piper turned to Alex, "You're doing this to punish me. And that's fine. I get it, hell, I deserve it. But you guys-"She looked to Poussey and Nicky, "Do you think I haven't noticed you guys giving me the silent treatment all day?"

"I have nothing to say to you, man," Nicky said, scowling. "I'm doing this for Alex but doesn't mean I have to act like we're fuckin' sorority sisters, OK?"

"Nicky," Alex cut in warningly, "Don't."

"No, Alex, let her talk. I know where your loyalties lie, Nicky. No matter what happens, I'll be the big, bad ,villain to you. I get it, alright? I hurt your best friend. And it's fucking killing me too but you can't see it that way." Her eyes were bright with tears. "I never meant to do it but I did and we have to all find a way to put up with each other because the fact is, I'm a part of this band too, whether you like it or not."

Moving closer to her, Nicky stood inches from her face. "Well I don't fucking like it. Not one bit, Chapman. You might as well know, I never wanted you to join this band. I knew, I fucking knew you were gonna be a problem but Alex liked you so..."

"Great...so go ahead and treat me like complete shit. Because I'm the outsider, because I made a choice you don't approve of. Fuck you, Nicky," She sat own the couch, wiping hot, angry tears from her cheeks as they fell.

"That's where you're wrong, sweetheart. I'm treating you like complete shit because she almost fucking killed herself over you. What would you do if she had died? Would you feel bad that you led her on and broke her heart? Would you?"

"Nicky!" Poussey yelled at the same time as Alex slammed her balled fist into her upper thigh, "That's enough!"

"Alex?" The singer questioned hoarsely, frowning. "What is she talking about?"

"Show her, Al," Nicky said, her eyes boring into Piper's. "Show her your arms."

"What the fuck is this going to prove?"

"She needs to know what she did to you," The bassist insisted. "This is because of her."

"No, Nick." She blamed Piper for alot of things but she wasn't going to lay fault where it wasn't warranted. Piper hadn't put the neeedle into her arm anymore then she had told her to fuck a stranger. "That wasn't on her...I made the choice."

"Show me, Alex," Piper requested, her voice tiny and frightened and obeying, Alex rolled up the sleeves of her hoodie, baring the unmistakable bruises.

"Jesus Christ, Al," She gasped, taking in her busted veins. "What the fuck did you do to yourself?" She choked back a fresh sob, "What the fuck did you do?"

"I needed to get you out of my head," She said simply, pushing her sleeves back down. "It was the only way I knew how at the time. I'm not proud, Piper. But it's done."

"You could've died." The horror of the realization was enough for the blonde to put her head in her hands and Alex had a sudden deflated sense of reality, almost as if she were watching everything unfold through someone else's eyes.

"Hell yes, she could've. I'm not going to ever let her go anywhere near that shit again. But she needs to stay the fuck away from you too. You're as bad as the fucking H."

"I never wanted this to happen. If I had thought for one second you were thinking about doing drugs again..." Piper trailed off, in anguish.. "You've got to believe me, Alex. I would never intentionally hurt you like that. I love you."

"There's that fucking word again. You're so good at just throwing that around, aren't you? It's like goddamn hello to you. You aren't going to fuck up Alex's life anymore. Never fucking again, understand?"

Poussey stepped in between them, laying her hand on the bassist's forearm. "You gotta calm down, Nick. Maybe we should take a walk or somethin'. Get your head straight. This is alot of shit to process right now."

"Oh I am calm, P. But I'm not going anywhere. It's Chapman that's leaving. Because as much as it's Alex's band, its my band too."

"What are you saying?" Alex asked, her chest tightening once again.

"I'm saying," She raised her eyebrows toward the silent blond. "I'm saying this is my band. And Chapman can get the fuck out."