With Nicky's sudden declaration, the tension in the room peaked and Alex felt all of the air deflate from her lungs as Poussey and Piper said nothing at all. It went without saying the bassist had taken them completely aback but Alex was livid.

"That's not just your call to make, Nick, Jesus." She fumed, "I get what you're trying to do and I know you're upset but you can't go and fucking run your mouth like that. Not without a discussion. Not only would there be legal shit to deal with, you're acting insane."

"Maybe I am but all I can see is her jerking you around, dude, married or not. And I can't speak for P but I can't fuckin' bare to watch." Poussey had put her hand on Nicky's shoulder silently, a gesture that had visibly calmed her and her voice had gone back down to its normal decibel.

"Do you want me to leave?" Piper stood, facing Alex. There was nothing defensive in her tone, only honesty and the other woman had to close her eyes briefly to gather herself. Because as much as she hurt, she couldn't fully shut off the part of herself that loved Piper, the part that cared if she felt displaced or ostracized.

"Everyone out," She requested, finding her voice. "Piper and I need to talk."

"C'mon, man," Poussey guided Nicky gently, putting her arm around her waist, "Let's take a walk."

"I don't fucking need to take a walk," She protested, swiping away her unruly curls but not breaking away from the drummer.

"Yeah, well I do. C'mon."

When they were alone, Alex turned to Piper. "Can we sit?"

They perched at opposite ends of the couch, the blonde sighing deeply. "I fucking hate this," She scuffed the toe of her sneaker along the hardwood floor. "Acting like we're strangers. I know I brought it upon myself and I get it, Alex, why we can't be friends...but it still really sucks."

"We're not talking about that right now," As much as she wanted to soften, to ease up on her own set rules to spare Piper pain, she knew it wasn't possible. Her fragile ego aside, there was the band to think about. She had spent two months so caught up in herself, in Piper, that Solitary Confinement came second. She hadn't worked for fifteen years to get them were they were to just throw it all away because she was hurting.

"OK...so my question still stands. Do you want me to leave? Because if you do, if that's going to affect us...I will. I know what you've sacrificed for this. I know it's everything to you because music is my world. I'm not going to sit here and ask you to put your band at risk because I'm walking away from you."

"Do you want to leave?"

"You know I don't."

Alex shook her head, "I don't know anything about you for sure, Piper. I thought I did."

"That's not fair," She countered softly, glancing up at her. "I love singing for you guys. Nothing is going to change that..not Larry, not the fact I fucked things up with us...but I know the rift this caused and I'm saying if it's going to divide everyone...I can make it easy and leave. If that's what you want."

"Look, my personal baggage aside, I knew the risk I was taking with us, I knew I was potentially compromising the band...that's on me, Piper. I need to find a way to make it work." She sighed. "You're an amazing singer and if you left, we would never find anyone like you. Period. But I also know we can't play a show like the one we played last night ever again. I'm not going to put mediocre shit up there with our name attached. I'd rather call it quits before that happens, and I know you feel the same." Alex forced her gaze upward to meet Piper's eyes. "So we've gotta push through this."

"Nicky doesn't feel that way."

"Nicky is protective. She means well but...she was out of line saying the shit she did to you. No one made me shoot up, Piper. I knew exactly what I was doing."

"But I still can't help think that some of it was my fault," The blonde folded her hands, blowing out a stream of air through her pursed lips. "You've been clean for so long and then I go and hurt you and you use."

"I can't do this right now." The wound was wide open, too fresh to speak about and Piper's mournful gaze was bordering on pity, something Alex just couldn't take.

"I'm sorry. I know I keep saying it, but I don't think you know how fucking sorry I am. And for who I am. If I could just be braver-"

"Please just shut up." The harshness of her words took them both aback and Alex swooped her glasses to the top of her head to rub her eyes. "I didn't mean it like that. I need time, Pipes. To stop being so angry and so fucking sad, OK? If we're going to find a way to keep this band from falling apart, I just need you to give me time. That means I'm not going be able to talk about anything, not for awhile. Can you give that to me?"

"Yes, of course." Piper replied softly, clearly hurt but resigned. "Whatever you need."

I need you, you idiot, was Alex's unspoken reply but outloud she said, "Thank you." She paused. "Just one more thing...is Larry going to be a problem?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said that Larry wanted you to quit. Is you staying going to be an issue? Because if he gives you grief down the line and pressures you to break your contract..."

"No," She said vehemently, "No way. I told him he either trusts me or he doesn't, but I'm not going anywhere."

"Good. Because we have a new album to record. And I'll talk to Nick. Tell her to ease up. We're a team so we need to fucking act like it." Alex pushed her glasses back down, pinching the bridge of her nose. "OK. I'll call the girls back in."

"Alright," She announced when everyone was settled, "No one is going anywhere. We need to move on, in the right direction and we have to put our differences aside. Or else we're royally fucked. Can we do that?"

Poussey was the first to speak up. "Yeah, man, we cool." She turned to Piper, "Didn't mean to be a dick, Chapman. Weird situation, that's all...Vause is right though...we all gotta keep it together or there won't be no band."

"Apology accepted," She smiled at the drummer. "And I get it...it's not an easy situation to deal with."

"Nick?" Alex cocked an eyebrow toward her friend, "What about you?"

"What about me?" She still refused to look at Piper, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

"I know you're worried about me and God knows, I appreciate it, I do," Alex said quietly, touching her elbow, "But we can't lose our shit like that anymore. None of us."

"You don't have to like me," Piper cut in, "I don't see how you would...we can keep it all business. Whatever's easier. And not that you're ever going to believe me, but I care about this band and you guys very much. I want us to succeed as much as you do."

She was touched by the singer's genuine admission. As much as she wasn't able to be honest about her own feelings, Alex took a small comfort in the fact she loved Solitary Confinement and was concerned about their future.

Nicky, for her part, appeared more resigned than impressed, and shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans. "Whatever dude. If Al wants to make this work, I'm on board. Even though it's gonna be awkward as all fuck. And you're right about one thing. I don't have to like you."

"Nicky-" Alex shook her head.

"No, it's OK, Alex. She's got every right." Piper replied neturally, "We ready to go again?"

"Yeah," The guitarist shot Nicky a look, "Straight through this time. Promise I won't stop, OK?"

In the span of an hour and a half, they had gotten through the entire setlist and Alex deemed them ready to break but not before reminding them of call times the next evening.

"Hey," Poussey came up behind Alex, slinging her arm around her, "We were just gonna chill at the hotel...you comin'?" She glanced at Piper who was dismantling the microphone stand, "Uh, you too Chapman. It's band night."

"Uh, no, you guys enjoy. Take the alone time while you can get it. I'm probably just gonna turn in early." Alex said quickly before Piper had a chance to respond. It wss one thing to get along for the sake of the band, it was another to willingly put herself into a situation where she had to actually spend a significant amount of time with the other woman in a normal situatuon.

"You sure?" Nicky asked lowly, her eyes betraying the fact she was unsure about leaving her to her own devices. "Cuz if it makes you uncomfortable-"

"I'm going to meet up with some old friends tonight," Piper had been listening to the conversation as she helped break down the equipment. "So you don't have to worry about me being there."

Her words held the smallest note of bitterness and Alex blinked. "Everything is not about you, OK? I want to give them alone time. In case you didn't get the memo, they're together. Not everyone's caught up in a big fucking diaster right now."

For a minute, Piper stared at her. "Kind of uncalled for, Al, don't you think? Given what we just had a conversation about two hours ago." She turned to Poussey. "That's great. I'm happy for you guys."

"Vause figured it out," The drummer explained shyly, "We're takin' it real slow. We weren't gonna really say nothin' to anybody...not till we were sure things were gonna work out."

"I've taken a vow to keep the peace," Nicky laced her fingers through Poussey's, "So I won't say that Chapman doesn't get why you're being a bitch...tryin' to keep the snark down to a minimum, ya know?"

"Noted." Alex was still reeling from the sting of Piper's remark and from her own response. She had always prided herself on keeping her attitude firmly in check, in not reverting back to the little punk ass she had been a lifetime ago, before rehab and before the band...sarcastic and flip, yes, a complete douche, no. "Look, guys, I'll be fine. I'm not going to go out and use again, and if I feel the temptation, I'll call. OK? Go."

"Fine. But you better fuckin' call, you hear me? Even if you just wanna talk. P and I are around."

"Bye guys," She waved them out, putting her guitar back into its case. Piper was still there, pretending to scroll through her phone, not making an effort to get ready to go.

"I was being an asshole," Alex admitted, planting her hands on her hips. "And I'm sorry. I'm struggling here, Piper. I mean, if I'm being honest,, I kind of knew that you were going to pick him. But it doesn't change the fact I loved you, that I still love you...and you broke my heart. I'm not trying to be..." She fumbled for an explanation, "It's just the truth."

"I know it is," Piper said, her voice barely above a whisper, "Because whether you believe it or not, I'm heartbroken too. Because I can't be the woman you thought I was." Her eyes shone, "You deserve so much better than what I can give you."

"I could say the same for you, Pipes."

Sadness was difficult for her to process. Anger, pain, frustration...she had a firm handle on those things but deep sorrow was something too obtuse to comprehend and those times in her life where she had faced it; meeting and subsequently losing the image she had concocted of her father, losing Piper, she had failed miserably and ended up in self-destructive situations.

Now though, she wasn't only bereft for herself and her own loss, she was incredibly sad for Piper. To not be able to be her authentic self, to feel as if she had to sacrifice her happiness to live up to everyone else's impossible standards... it made the hole in her heart deepen.

"I've got to go. See you tomorrow." The blonde quickly gathered up her things, and as she rushed past, Alex noticed she had begun to cry.

The following morning dawned bright and beautiful and as Alex got up to face the day, she realized her head felt slightly lighter than it had before and while still swimming in the depths of her grief, she thought she could at least look at Piper without wanting to die. It was a vast improvement and she celebrated the small victory by treating herself to a rich breakfast of Eggs Benedict with sliced tomatoes, hash, and several cups of strong coffee. Rejoining the human race felt so good, in fact, tnat she was able to check in with Diane without crying and go for a run, something with all thebtension, she hadn't wanted to do for weeks. By no means, did she feel totally herself again (Alex before meeting Piper and after meeting her were two vastly different women), but it felt as though she could at least breathe a little. And that was more than enough for now.

She also realized (while swimming early afternoon laps in the hotel pool), that she wasn't stopping every five minutes to wonder what Piper was doing, she wasn't allowing herself to think about how every minute part of her missed everything about her. It was progress, she knew, slow progress, but progress none the less.

The day was spent alone (after texting back and forth with her friends) and Alex supposed she needed that as well; time processing her own shit solo, not under the anxious (though well intentioned) watch of her bandmates. It was oddly freeing to know that even though she still felt like shit, the urge to use had dissipated and she knew the self-destructive part of herself was at bay.

After a restful few hours and a light dinner, Alex strolled into The Palace where they would be playing around her usual early arrival time. She half expected to see Piper in the dressing room and her heart pounded hard in her chest at the prospect. As much as she had managed to get through the day in a relative state of calm, seeing her face to face was still difficult. Every single emotion came immediately flooding back the second their eyes locked. Moving on was all well and good, in theory, but Alex was painfully aware that she was still very much in love with Piper Chapman.

As it turned out, Piper was not sitting in the dressing room when she entered it, a fact that Alex regarded with a mixture of relief and disappointment. She had become used to having Piper meet her early before a show. It had been their own private time to relax together, to tweak intricate, minor, details of songs that being both perfectionists, only they could detect. She had loved those two hours before everyone else got there and the room was filled with noise and chaos, when it was only Piper and the music and the gorgeous enormity of just how very much Alex adored her. One more thing to give up. One more step in the grieving process. One more link to Piper-gone, just like that.

For the first time that day, Alex felt the urge to cry, to try and rid herself of the swell of sadness that was causing her throat to constrict. But she didn't give in, instead settling herself on the plush carpeted floor with her guitar and strumming mindlessly until the feeling slowly subsided.

"A hell of alot better than H," She muttered aloud. Music had been her touchstone her entire life, through every storm and heartache, and now was no different. It balmed her anxiety and her hurt and quieted the need to destroy whatever happened to cross her path. It would see her through this latest break, she knew, as much as it didn't feel like anything could possibly help.

When Piper did show up, it was a quarter to six. She said hello and quietly went about setting up her things. Alex couldn't help but take in her appearance; her normally pale skin was nearly translucent and the dark circles under her eyes seemed more prominent than ever. She also appeared as though she had dropped a few pounds, the weight fluctuation noticeable on her already slender frame.

"Hey," Alex had internally debated whether or not to open her mouth, but her concern for Piper's well being overrode her own dignity. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you don't look good. You OK?"

Piper glanced up from hanging up her concert attire and Alex could tell she was thinking Why the fuck do you care?

She could not say that she blamed her, what with all the snark she had been throwing at her as of late, but there was no switch she could flick to make her stop worrying, no magical solution to prevent her from no longer giving a shit.

"I'm alright," The blonde replied evenly, redirecting her attention to her make-up station where she had started to lay her products out. "I still haven't been sleeping all that well."

"Or eating, by the looks of it," Alex couldn't keep herself from saying. "Pipes, when was the last time you had an actual meal?'

"And you're sudddenly cconcerned about my eating habits?" She glared. "You made it perfectly clear we aren't friends and we never can be."

"God, Piper...that doesn't mean I don't fucking care if you show up looking like death. You're still my bandmate."

Clearly, it was the wrong thing to say and Piper set down her hair straighter with a loud clang. "Of course you're concerned because of the band. Don't worry, Al, I'm still going to go out there and perform."

"You are so dense sometime, you know that?" The guitarist huffed angrily, "This has nothing to do with performing. You look like shit, Piper. You're not taking care of yourself and it shows." Her voice softened, "If you need a break, you need to tell me. We can figure something out."

Realistically, she realized that short of canceling the rest of the tour, there wasn't much she could do. Piper was suffering, that much was obvious and she was instantly guilty in taking pleasure in it earlier. She had been too immersed in her own shit to see beyond it, that the the blonde had to deal with the repercussions of her choice just as much as Alex did.

We're both ticking fucking time bombs, just in different ways, she thought. Piper didn't deal with sadness particularly well either, it seemed, and suddenly, Alex desperately wanted to break all the stupid rules she had self-imposed. When it came down to it, to the bare bones of the whole matter, she loved her. It was as simple as that.

But Piper was aloof. "I can sing," She picked up the straightener again, her words clipped and percise. "You don't need to worry about me."

"OK, fine." Alex was unconvinced but she wasn't about to argue with her, not when they were already in such a tremulous place. It was better to leave well enough alone for the tlme being.

Shortly after, the girls arrived, bubbling over with a kind of nervous energy that got under Alex's skin but she said nothing, especially after seeing how blissful her friends seemed, completely at ease with one another, joking around and sharing a Venti cappuccino, stealing little smiles when their fingers just so happened to brush as they passed the cup between them. A little pang of longing shot through her as she watched them and she silently wondered if their adorableness would eventually not make her want to jump out the nearest window.

Sound check was fairly painless, and as she was getting ready, pinning up her hair, Poussey came over, sitting on the floor beside her make-up station, stealing a quick glance around to ensure their privacy. Nicky was applying make-up with ear buds in and Piper had stepped out to call Larry.

"Yo, Chapman does not look good." The drummer said, her eyes warm with concern, "She sick or somethin?"

"I said the same thing. She told me she wasn't getting enough sleep. It's clearly bullshit. She's not fucking taking care of herself. Maybe you could say something to her." Alex carefully applied liner, "She basically told me to fuck off. She likes you."

"I'll try my best, man." The other woman paused, looking up at Alex. "Do you think she's like, punishin' herself or some shit? Like for picking him?"

"I don't know. She made her bed, P. I don't want to see her hurting herself but I'm also not going to be knee deep in all of it again. I'm not. It was hard enough the first time."

"Nah, man, I get it. I'll talk to her after the show. Make her eat a burger. And a shake," She grinned. "Gives me an excuse to have it myself. Not that I need one," she added.

"What about Nicky? She's not exactly Piper's biggest fan right now."

"You grab her after, I'll grab Chapman. And you know, Nicky, man. She talks big but she don't mean nothin' by it. She's like a mama bear, you know?"

"I do." Alex switched gears, "You guys seem solid. Happy."

"Yeah, I guess we are," Poussey acknowledged. "It took us so long to actually get there, but it was so worth it. That girl, dude," She grinned again, shaking her head. "She gotta a way of gettin' to you...even when you wanna kill her."

"That's our Nick alright. Seriously though, P...if I could've picked anyone for her, it would've been you. I know you have her back and that means alot."

"She's got mine too. One of the reasons I love her."

The pang struck again but she quickly brushed it off as Piper had returned to get dressed and Nicky was finished getting ready. They had ten minutes and Alex had to take a few deep breaths, her composure slightly crumbling. After the previous show, they had alot to prove. Rehearsal had been solid and Alex supposed that the humiliation had been enough fuel to get them back on track. Or at least she hoped so.

"Alright, girls," Red bustled into the room, apparently sharing the same nervous energy, "Showtime. Go out there and make me proud."

They stepped on stage, the lights hitting immediately, the crowd already pumped and screaming. Automatically as she strummed the first chords on her guitar, Alex could feel her fear melt away as she lost herself in the music, in the crowd's energy, in Piper's voice, sounding like home (she moved the sad part of that to the back of her brain). They were chugging along nicely and she returned Nicky's wide grin, knowing how pleased she was at the way things were going.

"We love you, Stamford!" Alex boomed into the second floor mic, "Let's slow things down a little bit!"

They began the opening to "Inevitable," the audience gracefully accepting the shift in momentum and she leaned into the music, looking to Piper to begin to sing.

Piper's face was ashen. She opened her mouth but nothing came out and she looked over ar Alex helplessly before her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she crumbled to the ground.