It wasn't as if Cal's words didn't resonate with her. The acknowledgment that Piper wasn't in love with Larry was something she had realized quite some time ago but to hear it from someone else was the confirmation she needed. Knowing Piper's background gave her pretty good insight to why she had stayed with him for so long, even if she couldn't fully understand.

But what Cal didn't get, what her mother didn't get, what they couldn't get, was that it wasn't enough for her to fight for Piper. That part was easy...she was always fighting for her and she always would be; to trust herself, to be confidnet in her abilities, to realize she deserved everything she worked for. What it came down to was that it was Piper's turn to fight. For them. For herself. Alex could plead, could reiterate that she was making a mistake until she was blue in the face, could tell her she could give her what Larry couldn't but it was all just empty words if Piper didn't fully believe it.

Piper had to know what she wanted, who she wanted. And it wasn't to say she couldn't be scared, of the unknown or of the future. Alex would accept her fear. Hell, she was afraid too but what she wouldn't accept was her indecision. If she couldn't be entirely certain she wanted to be with her, there was nothing worth fighting for.

The next day, they would be in New York and in three days, Piper would be married and she would have to figure out how to move on. Two months ago, she had focused on trying to get out of the enormous mess they had landed in when Morello left and falling in love had been the furthest thought in her mind, but here she was, trying to fix what was broken, trying to find a way to let go of someone who had gotten to her heart and to her brain and to her soul in so many tiny, indescribable ways, they were impossible to count.

Piper didn't know, but she had written something for her too...only she hadn't known it at the time. "Just You and I" was about longing for someone you couldn't fully have; for Nick, it had been Lorna, and for her, it was someone she had not met yet but could've been out there. She had pieced it all together after Piper had kissed her for the first time but it was something she kept to herself. It was beautiful and sweet and sad, all at once, but it was quiet and intimate and not a song she felt would resonate for a large audience. Piper had loved it too and asked why they didn't play it in concert and she had responsed it wasn't really a something they played larger venues, but the real reason, when she figured out it was about the blonde, was that she didn't want to share it with anyone. She wondered about Piper's song too, about when she had written it...long before the shit had hit the fan, most likely, when they were living blissful denial.

She hadn't had a complete day off in six months so she had no idea how to fill up the time (without giving into the urge of texting Piper to see how she was doing). Nicky, on the other hand decided to sleep in ("How's that different from any other day, dude?" Alex asked) and the three of them went for lunch around one at a little cafe a few blocks down from the hotel.

"Chapman's brother seems nice," Nicky remarked, biting into her burger. "And I don't think anyone's nice."

"He is," Alex acknowledged. "Not hard to see why they're close." She ran her fork through her salad, spearing pieces of romaine and spinach that she failed to bring to her mouth.

"Somethin's botherin' you," Poussey said. "She's gonna be OK, still, right? The tests they ran came out normal?"

Alex knew how profoundly her mother's death when she was twelve had affected the drummer and coupled with her natural instinct to nurture, she was automatically concerned when one of them was sick.

She quickly assuaged her friend's fears with a shake of her head. "No, no...she's good. As long as she takes it easy, anyway."

"Then what is it, man? Cuz P's right. Something is driving you crazy right now." Nicky suddenly hit the table top with her open palm, causing both Poussey and Alex to jump." I know what it is...Chapman's gonna marry drippy Larry in three days and you're feeling like complete shit, right? I mean, I know I would if..."

"Thanks Nick. Not only did I almost piss my fucking pants when you slammed your hand into the table, but you somehow also managed to make me feel even worse about the whole situation than I already did."

"What can I say?" She shrugged with a shit eating grin, "It's a talent."

"Anyway," Poussey. pointedly ignored her, "What are you gonna do, since we were all invited to the wedding?"

Alex laughed. "Pretty sure my invitation's been rescinded. Sleeping with the bride doesn't exactly endear you to the groom." Pausing, she took a small sip of water. "You guys going?"

"Yeah," Nicky smirked, "cuz being around a bunch of rich assholes at a stuffy ass daytime wedding at The Plaza, watching the chick my best friend loves marry a guy who makes watching fucking paint dry exciting, is definitely what I wanna do." She made a face. "No thanks."

"Girl, you the pot callin' the kettle black," Poussey shook her head, "You were a rich asshole."

"Yeah, I know. Which is exactly why I'd rather jump off the gooddamn Brooklyn Bridge than spend five minutes with those pricks."

"I'd feel weird goin'", Poussey admitted, stealing an abandoned french fry off of Nicky's plate (if it were anyone else, Alex would've have been sickened by all the cuteness; the food sharing, their elbows touching as they sat, the affectionate little glances they kept exchanging like they had been a couple for years, which Alex supposed they had, just not officially). "Knowing that she's marryin' a guy she don't love."

"Cal told me I should try to stop it, " She confessed, looking to gauge their reactions. "Because Piper's in love with me."

"Cal knows?"

"What are you gonna do?"

"Yes, he knows and I don't know," Alex replied to both of them, knowing they wanted answers but she had no concrete ones to give. "Maybe it's better she marries him. It's the only way I'm going to be able to move on, you know? It's final."

"You can tell yourself that till you're blue in the face man, but even if Chapman marries him, you won't be able to move on. Not while you're still in love with her, believe me, "Nicky implored her.

"You did. And you're happy.

"Yeah and look how long it took for me. It's not the same situation and you said it yourself."

"Can we please change the subject?" Suddenly she didn't want to talk about Piper anymore.. Her body and mind were exhauated and she needed a break.

For the rest of the afternoon, her friends oblidged her wishes and they managed to pleasantly fill the next several hours with a movie, some shopping, and coffee. By the time Alex returned to her room, it was nearly six so she ordered room service and settled in, eating her sandwich in bed.

A thought occured to her and she decided to text Piper to see how she was doing (purely as a professional courtesy, she assured herself). Lowering the TV volume with the remote, she grabbed her phone, fingers flying deftly as she typed.

Hey. How are you feeling? It felt uncomfortably formal and she cringed, feeling her phone buzz as she got an immediate response.

Hi. Much better, thanks. Cal just left. We did nothing all day but watch bad movies and play Monopoly. I napped and ate some soup. Drinking tons of fluids too. Proud of me?

Very. Glad you're resting. Get some more sleep and I'll see you tomorrow. Bus leaves at nine.

Sounds good. See you then.

Good night, Piper.

Night.

Tossing her phone beside her on the bed, she groaned. The temptation to physically make sure Piper was actually resting and not just saying what she wanted to hear was so overwhelming that she had to blast Nine Inch Nails on her Ipod just to drown it out. But it wasn't loud enough to block out the realization that she had become just as adept at pretending as Piper was. The thought soured her relative peaceful state until there was nothing to do to escape it but go to sleep.

Two days. The thought walloped her while she was still on the fuzzy, unconscious edges of sleep, unsettling her immediately, her eyes popping open. It was a shit way to wake up and almost instantly, she found the edges of grumpiness threatening to settle into her bones. Determined to shake it, she showered and dressed in record time and jumped into the elevator to grab a coffee big enough to restore her back to a human again.

Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror as she paid for her coffee, Alex wondered when it was she had begun to look like shit too. The bags under her eyes gave the impression that she hadn't slept in weeks and her skin was blotchy and uneven. It was no wonder why she had avoided mirrors and she made a mental note to hit the Lancome counter at Macy's for some new moisturizer once they got to New York.

"Hey," Nicky greeted from the rear once she got on the bus, "Come sit."

Alex waved to Red who was on the phone and moved to the back, doing a quick, inconspicuous glance up and down aisles for Piper.

"You're here before me?" She raised her eyebrow incredulously toward her friend. "What's up with that?"

"That's all my little alarm clock," The bassist laughed, planting a kiss on Poussey's cheek. "She's a punctual one."

Poussey blushed but she was smiling. "Someone's gotta be."

"Anyway..." Alex glanced around casually. "You guys know where-"

"Chapman's not here yet." Nicky announced loudly, causing Alex to shush her.

At that moment, Piper appeared and to Alex's complete and utter relief, she looked well rested and her skin had returned to its normal color.

"Hey," She said, noticing Alex. "Uh, good morning."

"Morning," Alex managed to mumble, wondering if it would ever not be awkward between them. "You look good."

"Thanks. I feel good. Better, I mean." She flushed slightly. "Hey guys," she waved to Nicky and Poussey. "I'm going to go sit. I'll catch you guys later."

They watched her walk to the middle of the bus, Nicky shaking her head.

"What?" Alex asked her lowly, clearly annoyed.

"Nothing, man. Just wondering if you guys could act anymore like complete fucking strangers. And seriously, dude...wake up on the wrong side of the bed much?"

Instead of answering, she flipped her off and putting on her earbuds, slunk down into the seat across from Poussey.

In one hour, they would be in New York and in spite of what that would mean for her personally, she would be in her own apartment, surrounded by her own things, in her beloved city. And Alex would be able to breath again, something she hadn't been able to do properly since Piper had come into her life.

The thought carried her through the trip and before she knew it, they'd arrived, dropping Piper off to The Plaza where she was staying and Nicky, Alex, and Poussey to their neighborhoods in the lower east side and Brooklyn, respectively.

The second Alex stepped foot into her rambling, walk-up, the familiar smell hitting her nostrils, she closed her eyes, the feeling of home overtaking her. She practically ran the four flights up before reaching her door and turning the key in the lock.

She felt happy tears well up in the corner of her eyelids because she was home and everything looked exactly the same as six months prior. Her books and her art and her beloved terrace; it all was comforting and familiar and it eased her mind to see that even though so much in her life had changed while she was gone, her own space, with its high ceilings and natural light was exactly the same. As a kid, she and Diane had moved in and out of apartments and trailer parks and nowhere they had lived had ever felt like she belonged. She had been in her brownstone for nearly eight years and it was the closest to a real home as she had ever felt.

Depositing her suitcase on the couch, Alex walked into her bedroom, not bothering to turn on the light before lying down on the midnight blue duvet, sighing as her head hit the pillow (hotel pillows could never hold a candle to her own). In that moment, she could sink into her own bed, in her own apartment, and forget about Piper, forget that Larry would be in New York and that she would be forced to let go of Piper and of any stupid hope she was hanging on to.

Around one that afternoon, they met for a brief rehearsal. Alex made sure they only ran the set through once, not stopping them for small errors but pointing them out at the end as things to be aware of. She didn't want to push a still fragile Piper who looked a million times better and sounded amazing but still lacked the fire in her eyes she usually carried.

"Great job, ladies. Call is at 6:00 tonight, OK?" They were playing The Beacon Theatre, one of Alex's favorite venues and she tried to ride the feeling of excitement, letting it wash away her other thoughts.

"Meet up for dinner at Fairway?" Nicky questioned, naming the large grocery store with a cafe across the street from The Beacon.

"Yeah, sounds good."

"Chapman...you're invited too," The bassist tossed out over her shoulder. It was a start, Alex supposed, grateful her friend was making an effort.

"Thanks but Larry's getting in on the five o'clock train. We're going to grab something quick before call time." Her voice sounded odd and Alex realized she was nervous mentioning his name in front of her.

"He comin' to the show?" Poussey asked casually, not looking up from restoring the rehearsal room to what it had been before.

"Yes, he's coming and we're going for a late dinner with his parents. They live on the Upper West Side." She didn't look too thrilled at the prospect and Alex briefly felt sorry for her before remembering all of it was of her own choosing.

They all pitched in to finish tidying up before getting ready to go their separate ways; Nicky and Poussey to Nicky's apartment (she wouldn't think about the details) and she on a whim to Prospect Park. It was an unusually warm day for mid- September and she was determined to soak up the last of the summer like sunshine.

"Can we talk?" Piper had waited for their bandmates to leave before approaching her, pushing strands of flyaways from her ponytail over her ears, a gesture that indicated to the orher woman that she was nervous.

"Uh, yeah. Do you wanna go to the park? It's beautiful out."

"Sure. Let me grab my bag."

"I just have to lock up. Its only like a five minute walk from here." She hoped her voice didn't betray the fact Piper's request had taken her aback and she tried to prevent herself from going overboard with the possibilities of what she could possibly want to have a conversation about.

Alex locked up the studio and they headed out of the building, the sidewalks spilling with people who had the same idea as she did; enjoying the temperate weather. They walked at a leisurely pace, not speaking, before Piper broke the silence.

"Didn't you say you lived around here?"

"Three blocks away."

"Nice neighborhood."

"It is," she agreed, putting her hands in the pockets of her jeans as they strolled. "I'm comfortable here. It's funny-I've been in New York for seventeen years and it feels more like home than Northampton ever did...with the exception of my mom not being here." Alex smiled. "I'm always trying to get her to move but she won't hear it."

She recognized that Piper's attempt at small talk was simply a guise to avoid speaking to her about what she really wanted to, so when they arrived at the park, she led them over to a bench away from other people and sat down, stretching out her legs and crossing her ankles.

"So," Alex looked at her, "What did you want to talk about?"

It crossed her mind that unless it had to do with music or the band or anything else that was completely impersonal, she probably wasn't ready to hear it. Her wound was still wide open and without space, it wouldn't close.

The blonde cast her gaze out on a tall tree in the distance, her eyes completely unreadable from behind her sunglasses. "I'm getting married in two days."

"Piper-"

"Please, just hear me out, OK? I'm getting married in two days. We have a rehearsal dinner and Polly and Pete will be here and my wedding dress is hanging on the closet door back at the hotel, staring me in the face..." She inhaled shakily. "And I'm so fucking scared. Not like normal wedding jitters, either...like really fucking terrified."

"Why?" She didn't want to be baited into asking. She knew why and her throat tightened, threatening to close. This was the last thing she wanted to get into.

"Because I think I'm making a big mistake. I already made a big mistake," Piper corrected. "The night I let you go, Alex. God, I was so fucking stupid."

"You were scared. You're still scared."

"I hurt you and for what? To lie to myself? I've been lying to myself my entire life." She wiped her eyes behind her glasses. "The second the words left my mouth, I realized it."

"But you made a choice, Piper. You picked him. Whether it was because he's safe and you're scared or whatever else. That's what you decided." Alex clenched her fists, holding in her anger and her tears and holding on to her resolve.

"But it was the wrong choice, Al." She removed her sunglasses, crying openly, her blue eyes bright. "Don't you get it? I made the wrong goddamn choice."

Her mother's words echoed in her ears. Cal's words echoed in her ears. How easy it would be to tell Piper she was still very much in love with her, to beg her not to go through with marrying Larry, to take her in her arms, to dry her tears. A part of her wanted nothing more than to claim the woman she loved, the woman sitting next to her who was opening a very big window of opportunity.

"Pipes," She shook her head. "We can't. I can't. My life, my whole life, I've had to fight for everything...nothing's ever come easy. But loving you, that was easy. It's the rest of it that's hard. God, don't you think if I really thought, for one second, that you meant what you said, I'd tell everyone to go to hell?"

"I do mean it. This isn't some stupid whim, OK? I was too damn afraid to do what felt right so I did what I thought made sense instead. I don't think I can do it...I don't know if I can marry him. Not knowing how I feel..." She let out a noise that was somewhere between a sob and a laugh. "You must think I'm this flake who can't make up her mind."

"No," Alex replied gently (and alot more calmly than she felt). "That isn't what I think. I think you know what it is you want, Piper. With your life, with your career...with who you want to be with...the problem is, you don't trust yourself yet. You've been pressured to do what everyone else wanted you to do and you can't feel free to be the person who you want to be." She took her hand in hers, marveling at the perfect way their hands fit, in spite of eveything. "The thing is, I can't keep hoping you'll trust your instincts enough to make a definite choice. I can't. I won't. I love you and I probably always will but I'm not going to fight for us if you won't fight for yourself."

The last piece of the wound split wide open and for a minute, Alex thought as she watched Piper cry, that her heart would split in two as well.

"If there comes a time, Piper, when you can tell me with a hundred percent certainty that you know exactly what you want, I'm here. Until then...I need space. Please. I'll see you tonight."

With that, she walked away, her focus foward.

Nothing but forward now.