She would allow herself to grieve for her. She would allow herself to cry and rage and hate herself (and even Piper a little) and listen to angry, scornful punk rock and she would give into the pain, which was so intense it was almost visceral.
She remembered the first time she cried in her mother's arms. She had been in rehab for a month and attending consueling sessions as part of the recovery process when her therapist Joan, had invited her mother to come in for their session the weekend she was visiting. Alex had been against the idea, not thinking Diane needed to know the details of the shit she had been trying to work through but Joan thought it would be good for her to share some of the burden, given she and Diane were so close. And she had ended up telling her mother for the first time about finding Lee Burley, what a complete and utter disappointment he had been, how she wished she had listened to her, how meeting him had sent her headfirst into the downward spiral that had landed her in rehab in the first place. There had been tears and apologies and they had ended the session with Alex sobbing in Diane's embrace, feeling very undeserving of her love and completely heart broken. When she told her as much, her mother smiled, smoothing hair back from her face as if she were a very small child.
"Oh, honey...sometimes you have to let your heart just break wide open because that's what hearts do. They break and they mend and so will yours. I promise."
Her mother's words had stuck with her and she knew she had to embrace the pain this time instead of masking it. It was agony but there was no doubt in her mind that she had made the right decision.
Heading to the train, her show bag slung over her shoulder, she thought after they finished laying down the album she would take a vacation. There was time between recording and the next tour and she decided to maybe take advatage of it; go somewhere to clear her head. It had been years since she'd gone away and to escape from the chaos of everything was extremely appealing.
"It's Chapman you escapin' from," Poussey said when she mentioned the idea during their pre-show dinner. "Not that I blame you."
"That's definitely part of it," She admitted, as they waited for Nicky to return from the bathroom. "It's not like this is a typical break-up...I still have to see her all the time. Can I even really call it a break-up? Since we weren't even dating?"
"Yeah, man," Her friend nodded. "You loved her and you guys were together, even if it wasn't in a traditional sense. You were still in a relationship."
Alex considered this and she supposed the drummer (who had always been the wisest of the three of them) was right. With a sigh, she pushed her plate back. "I just wanna focus on moving on, you know? On the new album, on my life. I"ve spent so much time and energy being caught up in Piper and Larry and the garbage in my own head...I need-"
"A vacation?" She supplied. "If anyone deserves one this year, it's you, boss. You work hard."
"Exactly. Too hard. Maybe I'll go to Tahiti. Or Belize...somewhere where I can just lie on a fucking beach all day with a beer in my hand and forget about all the sad shit that's been going on."
"Where we going?" Nicky swooped an arm around her from behind, grinning. "I heard beach and I heard beer. I'm in."
"Vause is gonna run away," Poussey relied, returning Nicky's smile with an even larger one of her own. "Alone."
"Yeah? Who the fuck can blame her with everything she's had to deal with. Seriously, it's been a shitty year." She picked up Poussey's hand and kissed it. "With obvious exceptions."
"Anyway," The guitarist glanced around the crowded cafe, "On Saturday, it's all over...Piper's married and I can try to move on. That's what I told her today. We talked. She basically admitted she had made a mistake."
"Shit," Nicky shook her head. "She just fuckin' realized that? The whole sham of a wedding is a mistake."
"Wasn't that the sign you needed?" Poussey cut in, her eyes widening with excitement. "I know lots of crazy shit when down but bottom line is, man, she loves you."
"Love isn't enough, P," Alex responded quietly. "She told me she made a mistake but never once did she say she wanted to be with me. That's what I was waiting for. She didn't say it because she's not sure, not completely."
"Don't listen to this one," The bassist rolled her eyes, while affectionately touching Poussey's shoulder. "She thinks everyone should be in love because she is."
"So? There ain't nothin' wrong with people being happy. Better than the rest of the horrible shit that's happening in the world."
"We have ten minutes till call, guys, " She reminded them, eager to change the subject. "Let's finish up, OK?"
"You wanna know what I think?" Nicky propped her chin up on her hand. "I'm just gonna anticpate that you'll say no, so I'll tell you anyway.." she leaned in, "All I want is for you to be happy. I can speak for P too when I say that. And what Piper did was shitty, to say the least, but I dunno, man, if she's willing to come right out and say she fucked up...maybe you guys can make it work. Provided she gets her head out of her ass, obviously."
"Nicky," Alex blinked rapidly, "Do you not recall like two days ago, when you told her to stay the fuck away from me and kicked her out of the band?"
"Oh I meant it. At the time. You were right, I was really fucking angry that you used again...I was looking for someone to blame. But I had time to think about it and I'm still pissed, don't get me wrong, but I also have fucking eyes and I can see she loves you. I mean, I believe that she does."
"Apparently I'm either living in some parallel universe or you're going soft on me, Nichols," She quipped. "Because I thought you of all people, would get it."
"I do, man. You have good fucking reasons for moving on. All I'm saying is that if Chapman wants to be with you...life's too short, ya know?"
"I don't even know you right now, dude," Alex stood up, gathering her tray. "C'mon, We've got a show to do."
As thrilled as she was to be playing The Beacon, to be playing in her home city, as she applied her make-up, her eyes reflected back at her, devoid of their ususal sheen of confidence, Alex still felt frazzled. After the initial diaster of that first night, she had (remembering the promise she had made to Diane) to be gentle with herself, to give herself the space she needed to repair her fractured heart. But in spite of that, her nerves were raw and it took everything in her to steady herself, to regulate her breath, to focus on what they were doing. Her friends were quiet, getting ready without much conversation, sensing her tension, and for that small grace, she was grateful.
Piper entered wordlessly, Alex seeing her form in the mirror and she gave them all a slight wave as she sat at the make-up mirror next to Alex's.
"Hey," She said tentatively. Ignoring the other woman wasn't really a valid option, not when there was a show to get through. "You OK?"
"I'm OK. I ate and I'm drinking water...trying to take care of myself," She replied flatly. "How are you?"
She shrugged, watching past the make-up station as Nicky and Poussey laughed softly over a secret they were not in on, Poussey's fingers curled around the bassist's wrist, gently possessive. "I'm still breathing. Ready for the show?"
"As I'll ever be, I guess. Larry's here." She fidgeted with the top of her lipstick, turning it over and over in the palm of her hand. "He's staying for the concert."
The dark haired woman turned toward her, green orbs clear. "Is that a warning?"
"No," Piper returned carefully, "Just a heads up. He's still pretty upset about us but he knows this band's a huge part of my life."
"It was bound to happen...I mean, if you're going to marry him, I'm going to obviously run into him from time to time so I better get used to it."
Larry was a pussy and nothing he said or did would intimidate her but that didn't mean she wanted him around either, watching her every move. She especially had no need to see him being possessive of Piper in any way just because he didn't trust her. After being a victim of abuse, the very last thing Alex wanted to witness was anyone playing mind games with the blonde. That would be more than enough reason to step in and kick his scrawny ass.
"I guess. It's just weird, that's all."
She went back to applying mascara silently but there was a sadness in her movement, a resignation that Alex recognized and she wanted to put her hand atop Piper's and ask her to look at her, even though it was her ocean eyes that had begun all the trouble in the first place.
You don't have to do this, Alex wanted to say, You don't have to marry someone you clearly don't love. If you can't be with me, if it's too much right now, I can accept it...I'm starting to, anyway. But please, Pipes...don't fucking do this. It's a mistake, you said so yourself.
Remaining silent, watching in her peripheral vision as Piper deliberately applied liner, her hand shaking just enough for Alex to notice, a realization hit her. The other woman was terrified of being alone. So terrified, in fact , she was willing to live in a lie in order to prevent it.
The thought made her bereft and fleetingly (breaking her self-imposed rule of complete focus before a concert), she allowed herself to consider the what-if's; what if she had met a young Piper while she was in school and she had been visting Diane for the weekend...at a party (she'd been invited to more than a few Smith parties, despite never having gone there) or at a bar and they'd gotten together and it was more than a hook-up and Piper stayed. What if she'd never left Northampton in the first place and she had brought Piper back to her tiny apartment...and Piper stayed. What if the blonde was never broken at all by the shit that had happened because it never had and Alex could've kept her safe and the possibilities turned over and over again in her head, making her curse their terrible timing. Because while she still wasn't entirely sure she believed in fate, there was no other reasonable explanation for Piper coming into her life when she did.
There was no use in contemplating different circumstances and she knew it. Even if their paths had intertwined earlier, there were no guarantees that Piper would've had the courage to be with her or that they would have ended up together. Still, Alex couldn't help but mourn what might have been. So she kept silent as they both finished doing their make-up and silent still as they dressed. It was a lonely kind of quiet that was between them and even the friendly banter Poussey and Nicky decided to try and lighten the heavy mood with, could not fill it.
The show was excellent, bordering on near perfection, with all of them putting in their top efforts and being rewarded by endless cheers and screams from the audience. Piper especially, got a huge response when she began to sing and after the first song ended, they waited for a good two minutes before the crowd had settled down enough for them to pick up again. Alex suspected more than a few fans from the cancelled Stamford show had hopped on Metro North to attend this one and not for the first time, she was extremely grateful they were finally getting somewhere, that they had fans.
Piper was in it. She was as present, as connected, as open as she ever. Her voice soared and leaped and hit right where it was supposed to and Alex was proud and sad and broken all over again because she was right there. She could physically reach out and touch her but she was a million miles away. Their eyes connected intermittently and they even shared a few accidental smiles but Piper may as well have been on a different planet.
She knew it was her own fault. She had severed the ties between them, had broken their connection (for nesscary purposes) and it would never be the same. Not for awhile anyway...not until they had created space, which would be easier said then done until the album dropped.
Still, she pushed on, remembering Diane's words, and letting her heart break open, right on the stage, she allowed herself to grieve...to miss Piper while she was still standing there. She pushed on through the pain, playing hard to bring herself back into the present moment, to focus on the heat of the lights, the sweat on her forehead, the energy of the crowd, the tangibles that she could grasp.
The concert finally ended and as they left the stage, Alex stepped along side Piper as they walked back to the dressing room.
"You sounded great out there," She kept her tone light. "They loved you."
"Thanks," Piper replied, trying to match Alex's levity but as she spoke, her jaw tightened ever so slightly. "I was kind of afraid that I'd hold back, knowing Larry's out there, considering everything that happened..."
"Well, you did good," She complimented without looking at her. "See you for a quick pick-up tomorrow at 2?"
The singer flushed. "Actually, we're having the rehearsal luncheon then...since we can't really do a dinner because of the concert. Can we do it earlier?"
"Nick doesn't do well with mornings," Alex reminded her, the ghost of a smile on her face. "Forget it. It's not a big deal "
"Forget a rehearsal?" Piper looked at her like she was certifiable. "Since when?"
"It wasn't scheduled or anything," She said with a shrug, pushing her glasses back up on the bridge of her nose. "You have plans. I haven't run it by anyone else yet anyway."
"Great. See you tomorrow then. Call is at five, right?" Without waiting for a response, she walked past her into the dressing room.
"Yes," She said under her breath, slightly chagrined. "Call is at five." She walked into the room a few steps after her only to be intercepted by Nicky who clapped her on the back.
"Fucking good show tonight, right? Hey, you OK? You gotta weird look on your face."
Realizing she had zoned out, Alex quickly shook her head and focused on her friend. "Yeah, man, I'm good. Where are we going tonight? Cubbyhole? It may be kinda crowded though.. "
Nicky exchanged an incredulous look with Poussey who had changed into street clothes in record time. "You wanna go out tonight?"
"It's band night, isn't it?" Alex unzipped her concert dress, letting fall unceremoniously to the floor. She slipped on a pair of leather pants and pulled a fitted black tank top over her head, sitting down at the make-up mirror to take bobby pins out of her hair.
"Uh, yeah...we're just kinda surprised is all," The drummer swiftly covered. "You haven't been wantin' to go out lately...with good reason, so-"
"The world hasn't stopped just because I'm a mess," Alex snuck a glance at Piper who was in a corner zipping up her boots and. trying very obviously not to listen to their conversation. "We kicked ass out there...I think we should celebrate, don't you guys?"
"Dressed like that?" Nicky eyed her outfit. " I mean, don't get me wrong, you look incredibly hot but unless you're planning on picking up a girl...that's probably not the outfit to wear to Cubbyhole."
She shrugged. "I'm not planning on anything, Nick. You know me."
Her nonchalance was not strictly for Piper's benefit but for her own as well. If she felt like the old Alex, perhaps it help ease her into truly feeling as if she was moving on.
"I'm down, dude. If P is." The bassist grinned at the other woman who nodded, putting her arm around her.
"Haven't been to Cubbyhole is fuckin' forever. Let's do it." Poussey declared, picking up her bag from a chair. "We gotta sneak out though or Nick's gonna be here for three more hours signin' autographs and shit."
"Listen, can I help it if people love me?" She threw up her hands in mock exasperation, "Like can you help that you love me?"
"If I could help that, man, do you think I woulda waited for your ass for so long?"
"You got a point," Nicky acknowledged, buttoning up her jeans. "C'mon...Drinks're on me tonight."
"In that case, girl...you may hafta carry me home," The other woman planted a wayward kiss on her lips.
"Mhmm, I plan on it," Nicky returned her kiss and for a minute they were lost in one another until Alex cleared her throat.
"Alright, let's grab a cab," She rolled her eyes at their PDA but she couldn't help the smile that tugged the corners of her lips. Nicky's happiness had been a long time coming and Poussey's calm nature was the perfect compliment to her tendency to speak and act without much of a filter. As much as her own happy ending apparently eluded her, Alex was grateful that her best friend finally seemed back on track. "On second thought, I'm gonna meet you there. I want to take some of this shit home first."
"Alright, dude, text me when you get there," Her friend replied, motioning to Poussey to follow. "Peace out, Chapman," she turned to say good-bye to their bandmate. "She left," Nicky shrugged. "Guess she slipped out when we were talking."
"She's going to dinner with Larry's parents. They live here," Alex explained. There was no good reason why Piper's sudden absence bothered her; it wasn't as if she had expected her to stick around to listen to them making plans which obviously didn't include her. And she could tell Piper and herself until she had said it a million times, that they had to present a united front, but the truth of the matter was, the instant they had crossed that line, things had changed. Rifts were created and sides were taken and though they could work relentlessly to keep their on stage chemistry in tact, they were far from a united front presently.
"That sounds like pure fuckin' torture," Nicky slung her huge tote over her shoulder. "See you soon,"
Her friends left but instead of rushing to gather her things, she moved slowly throughout the room in a dream like state.
One more show, then it's over. It meant she would not pnly be able to create physical distance between herself and the singer, but it would be easier to forget the little (but vital) details which still clung. Piper would be Larry's wife. Piper would be her bandmate and not the love of her life. And as much as she told her that it wouldn't happen, maybe, just maybe, with enough time passing, they could build a tentative friendship back up.
Finally she could make no more excuses to linger and picking up her packed bag, the guitarist switched off the light and headed down the long hallway to the stage door.
"Good night," She said to John, the doorman. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"There's someone waiting for you out there," John informed her, running a hand through his unruly black curls. "A guy. I'll go out there with you, of course," He reassured her. "The security guy who was in charge of the stage door left already."
"It's fine." The last thing she felt like doing was dealing with an overzealous fan who probably waited forty five minutes in the drizzling rain to ask her out or something equally stupid (as the majority of their male fans tended to do while she not so patiently explained that she wasn't into guys and silently wondered why they hadn't bothered to do their research.).
Grumbling softly, she stepped outside the door to see a man standing alone, under a black umbrella, John behind her.
Slowly the umbrella lifted and when she saw who it was, her heartbeat pounded in her ears.
"Alex."
"It's OK," She turned to John. "This is Piper's fiance. We'll go back inside. Thanks."
"Just give a a shout when you're done so I can lock up."
She stepped in the doorframe, watching as he disappeared into his office. "I'm guessing you want to talk."
He nodded slowly as they walked back to the dressing room and Alex flicked on the lights. "Piper doesn't know I'm here. She's already at the restaurant with my parents. I told her I had to take care of something.
Hell of a way to start a marriage, the dark haired woman thought, settling herself on the sofa. "Why are you here, Larry?"
"I'm marrying Piper on Saturday. In spite of you trying to come between us, we're still getting married. My parents will be there and her brother and our friends..." He paced nervously, loosening the silk tie around his neck.
"I know."
"No. You think you know her, but you don't. You couldn't possibly. I've been with her for eight years. Eight. Through every insecurity and the fights with her family...you've known her for what, three months?"
"Great. So you know her and I don't. You win, case closed." She was poised to stand. "Are we done? Because I have somewhere to be."
"I get what the appeal is, you know? You're an attractive woman, Alex. I'm not blind. And you guys were together all the time and Pipe is impressionable. You flirted, showed her attention...she convinced herself she'd fallen for you. But this is it, OK?" His eyes darkened. "This is where it ends. You do not get to manipulate her anymore...you do not get to play your little cat and mouse, straight girl conquest game with her. It's over."
A rage rose up in the swell of her chest and she had to bite the inside of her lip hard to keep from leaping off the couch and punching him in his smug face. "Fuck off," she hissed through clenched teeth. "You are so fucking far off base, it isn't funny."
"Oh yeah? How so?"
"First off, Piper's always liked girls and if you didn't have your head stuck way up your ass, you would've realized that a long time ago. And more importantly, nobody manipulated anybody. It was a mutual thing. We didn t plan on it...in fact, I fought my feelings for a long time. If you knew anything at all about me, which you don't, you would know I don't make a habit out of trying to be with girls who are already taken. Whatever else you think about me, understand that, OK?"
"I don't give a shit. The point is, you slept with my fiance." Larry rooted his feet in front of her. "All the while, I thought you were looking out for her."
"I never stopped looking out for her. Not once. The fucking point is, Larry, we loved each other. I still do, if I'm being honest. I'm sorry that it all went down how it did, but not for loving her."
"I just need to be sure," His eyes changed ever so slightly and Alex could see the fear in them. "that you won't do something to disrupt the wedding. That's why I'm here."
"And why the hell would I do that? She picked you, Larry...she's choosing to marry you." She deliberately omitted the fact Piper had admitted she had screwed up.
"I'm not stupid. Yes, she's going through with the wedding, but I know she's not over you. That's why I needed to talk to you. For you to promise you won't do anything...I can give her the life she deserves, Alex. You and I both know you can't."
"Go. Get out. You don't have to worry about me interrupting anything but now I need you to leave."
"We're clear then?" He turned on his heel to leave. "And if you could not mention to Piper I saw you..."
"Out. Now." Alex growled and Larry made a hurried exit.
Feeling all the color drain out of her face, she buried her head in her hands.
"What the almighty fuck was that all about?" She whispered aloud. It wasn't as if she didn't get where Larry was coming from. He was insecure, hell, Alex suspected he had been insecure almost the entirety of his relationship with Piper but to feel the need to warn her to stay away...it was almost as if he had to convince himself that she had somehow conned an innocent Piper into sleeping with her. She had run into hundreds of guys like him who felt they had something to prove as far as their manhood went and if the situatuon wasn't so screwed up, she might have laughed at the lengths he was going to.
As she shut off the lights for a second time and prepared to leave, Alex felt her gut twist of its own accord as she fixiated on one part of Larry's rant.
I could've given her the life she deserves. That's the saddest part of all of this...she wouldn't let me.
Author's Note: Gearing down to the final two chapters! I didn't think this fic would go on for as long as it did but here we are...on a personal note, I'm in a bit of a dark place in my life so I feel for Alex and really wanted to explore her pain. Thanks to all those who have hung in there!
Just as a side note; snarky, unhelpful reviews are deleted. They serve no purpose other than to bring people down and since I soley write for me I feel I don't need the negativity! I have enough crap going on in real life! I definitely don't mind constructive helpful criticism but I'm not in a place to want to deal with being outright rude. Thanks for understanding as the majority of people here who've been reviewing have been positive and helpful! I appreciate you all!
Jess
