"How come you can't see it for what it is, baby?" Diane would ask. "It's God...givin' us a miracle."
It was an on going occurance. Whenever they happened to come upon just enough extra money not to get evicted that month or Diane would find an almost brand new Jordache jean jacket in the charity bin at church that Alex had requested for Christmas or if she was able to switch shifts at the diner so she was able to be pick up Alex from school, it was always a miracle, a gift from God. Never mind they weren't religious in the least, Alex couldn't even remember the last time they had gone to church, even for holidays. Yet it her mother's go to explanation when she had none.
"Baby," Her voice boomed over the phone, "Do you know what that song is? It's a-"
"Mom," Alex rolled her eyes (in the next minute, she became both paranoid Diane would realize what she was doing from hundreds miles away and immensely grateful her mother refused to Facetime), crossing her pajama clad legs, "if you say a miracle...I love you, but I'm hanging up."
"I was going to say a sign, Al. No need to be a punk. I mean, don't you think so?"
"I don't know...a week ago, maybe. But she left, Mom...she wrote this amazing song for me and I believed that she wanted to fight for us, but before I could say anything, she walked out. Tell me what that means."
"Well," Her mother paused and her daughter could she tell she was carefully considering.,"Maybe she wants to fight to be with you but she's not ready to stand up for herself yet. Listen, Alex...you were scrappy since day one but that's only cuz' you had to be, you didn't have a choice. From what ya told me, Piper wasn't allowed to ever be who she was. There was nothin' to stand up for because she didn't know how."
"Maybe. I'm at a loss here." She took a long sip of coffee, setting the mug down on the kitchen table. "I'm just so tired of it all. I don't know, Ma...part of me thinks this was Piper's way of telling me to let her go, once and for all. She knows she can't change."
Al-"
"No," She quietly cut in, "it's ok.. "At least I got to find out what it was like to fall in love, right? And to have my heart shattered into a million pieces all at once. Maybe I'll be smarter next time."
There was no bitterness in her comment. Bitterness wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't heal or mend or turn back the clock. It would do no good, for any of them.
"Oh sweetie...I hate that you're hurting right now. I hate it so much."
"It is what it is, Mom. Look, I gotta go. Nicky's taking me to breakfast," she fibbed. "Call you later?"
"OK, baby," Diane sighed reluctantly, "I just wish there was more I could do right now."
"You're listening. You're here. That's more than enough."
They hung up and Alex went back to her Saturday morning routine of coffee on the terrace (if it wasn't too cold) and reading the newspaper. Though there was nothing typical about this Saturday morning, she thought if she went through the motions, she would feel better or more normal, anyway. So far, it wasn't working.
Her phone buzzed beside her, signaling a text from Nicky, a perfunctory one of concern which she decided to ignore for the time being. Two things would come from not replying (she had gone through it enough times in the course of their friendship to predict Nicky's behavior); Nicky would get pissed at her and send more texts, each one more indignant than the last and after not hearing from her for a few hours, she'd call and leave a voicemail that was more concerned than angry and in the rare occasions when even that didn't work, she would show up at her door, by that time both simultaneously livid and worried sick.
Nicky had a hard time with distance and while Alex understood (better than anybody) that she was coming from a genuinely good and well intentioned place, she couldn't quite seem to make the curly haired woman grasp that when she was in a darkness, one that threatened to swallow her up, she couldn't be around anyone. At all. She couldn't process, couldn't breath, couldn't decifer up from down, when she was in the throws of it, and it was something she had to be alone for.
She had suffered silently for years; learning at a young age to shoulder the burden for her own problems. Her mother was almost always exhausted and stressed and though she knew she could come to her with anything, she didn't want to add to an already heavy load by having Diane cope with her issues too. For the most part, music helped ease her despair but there were a few times in her life where nothing could and it was then she had turned to a remedy that worked briefly; a bandaid that revealed a wound far more gaping that she could've imagined.
Alex decided as she curled up on the couch, alone in her apartment, she would treat today in a similar way as her very first day of detox sixteen years ago. She would allow herself to feel ravaged and defeated and want to die and then it would be done. She'd come through on the other side and be able to go on. As much as it hurt to let go, as much as it obviously hurt Piper to let go, there they were, and she had to believe it was all for the best.
After she had showered and dressed and gone back to lying silently on the couch, she was startled by a knock on the door.
"I'm fine, Nick," She grumbled, assuming her friend had finally reached the point where she was worried enough to check on her. "I really need to be alone right now. I'll call you later, alright?"
"It's not Nick," An unfamiliar voice answered through the closed door. "It's Polly. Piper's friend."
Holy shit. Springing up, Alex immediately allowed the other woman in. "Uh, it's messy. Sorry." She didnt know why she was apologizing but then again, she had no idea why Polly was there in the first place or how she even know where she lived.
She waved her away and Alex noticed she was dressed in sweats but her hair was in soft waves and her make-up done. "It's fine. I'm not staying long."
"Do you want to sit?"
Polly perched on the couch and Alex joined her on the other end. "Look, Alex," She began, her gaze locked on her Uggs, "I know there's no love lost between us here. Mainly because what I think you and Piper did to Larry was extremely shitty. But I'm also not stupid."
"Larry thinks I'm a manipulative vulture who seduced his fiancee when he was away under the pretense of looking out for her." Alex's eyes flashed from behind her glasses daringly. "Is that what you think too?"
Polly lifted her head to finally look at her. "At first," she answered honestly. "But being around Pipe these past few days," she sighed. "She's miserable. And maybe Larry can't see it. Or maybe he can, but he's willing to ignore it, I don't know. But she's just going through the motions. She's getting married in four hours and you might think she's going to prision."
Alex let this sink in, let the information settle into her brain to process. The truth was, she felt nothing but pure exhaustion. All the anguish and heartbreak and self-destructiveness had brought her to a place where there was nothing left. The tiredness seeped into her bones and head and spirit and all she wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep until a small semblance of herself was even recognizable again.
"She made a choice," Alex stated quietly. "And I have to respect it."
"Piper is...complicated." Polly acknowledged, crossing her legs. "I love her. She's my best friend. But she kind of lets this fear control her life and her decisions. I think that's why we were all shocked when she auditioned for your band. It's totally not like her to take a risk like that."
"She took the risk of pursuing a music career in the first place and going against her parents."
"She has moments of impulsivity," The other woman smiled slightly before becoming serious again. "That's what I thought you were at first...another moment of impulsivity...Pipe experimenting with something she always wanted to try in college, before she got married. But I realized that's not what this is."
"No?"
Polly shook her head. "That's what I wanted to believe. It's what Larry's convinced himself of." She looked to Alex again. "She loves you. And I can turn a blind eye and let her walk down that aisle and ignore it but it won't make it any less true."
"Why are you here?" The dark haired woman questioned, "I'm not trying to be rude. I'm just...confused. I love Piper. That's the easy part. But if she's afraid of being with me...if she's willing to marry someone she doesn't love because she's afraid...I have to let her go, Polly."
"Listen, I thought about it," She replied carefully, "And when it comes down to it, all I want is for Piper to be happy. I almost lost her and then I watched her try to come back from that scumbag making her feel worthless and her career going nowhere...if you make her happy, then it doesn't matter what I think." She stood up and fished an envelope out of her purse, handing it to Alex. "She wanted me to give this to you." As Polly turned to leave, she looked at the guitarist ."The two of you need to fucking get it together," she said bluntly. "If that's possible."
Alex watched her leave wordlessly, staring at the envelope she had pressed into her hand but unable to actually bring herself to open it.
Polly obviously had no personal stake in what happened with them, except that she seemed certain that Larry wouldn't make her happy. It was a huge turn around from what she had thought before when she was convinced that Alex had manipulated her, had seduced her into an affair. If she said it didn't get her thinking, she would be lying.
Trembling slightly, she opened up the letter, sliding it out, the paper shaking as her eyes scanned the length of it. She drew her knees up to her chin in a futile attempt for comfort.
Dear Alex,
As you're reading this, it's the night before my wedding. I'm in my hotel suite, alone. It's late but I can't sleep. My head is racing with all kinds of things and I don't see myself relaxing anytime soon, so here I am...I'm not sure I can put it all down on paper, but I'll try.
When I was little, I thought about the future. Like most kids, I wanted to be a million things when I grew up. I wanted to be a teacher or a doctor or an artist. I wanted to be a mom, the works. My parents drilled into me how important it was to marry well, to have money, to be successful. But they never once mentioned love. How important that was. So I grew up believing it wasn't, not really. After all, it didn't seem to matter to them. They were all about appearances. And I never even really felt they loved each other or me, for that matter.. I was a perfect little trophy for them...someone to show off to their friends. I had everything I could ever want, materialistcally, so I felt guilty for being unhappy. But I didn't have what I needed the most.
The night I tried to end my life ten years ago...it wasn't the first time. I was fifteen when I took a handful of my mother's Xanax and walked into the living room to tell them. I got my stomach pumped and everyone said I did it for attention, but the truth was, I wanted to die. And I wanted them to know that they had done it...that they had failed me.
I'm not telling you this because I want you to feel bad for me, Alex. I'm acutely aware of how privileged I was, of how easy I had it. I just want you to know how difficult it is for me to accept love. Friendship, yes. Being taken care of, yes...but to feel truly loved...and to love back...I guess I don't feel I deserve it. Which sounds crazy, but I never have.
My parents had conditional love for me...as long as I was their good and dutiful Piper, they could love me. My first boyfriend (if you could even call him that), wanted ownership over me, to posess me, no love there either. And Larry, as sweet as he is, as kind as he is...I think he likes taking care of me, seeing me as this flower he needs to tend to to keep alive. Just as I convinced myself I was in love with him, I think he convinced himself he was in love with me too.
For the first time in my entire life, I found someone who knows me. I could tell from the second you touched me, Alex. From the instant you looked into my eyes...I didn't need to say a word. Because you knew...knew my story and my pain and my weaknesses. I didn't have to be perfect or put together or brave...I just had to be Piper. It was the most amazing, freeing , feeling...
And then, in turn, I got to know you...and to know you, is to find out that the beauty on the outside is equally matched by your inner beauty. I learned that you're tough and vulnerable and fearless. You're the most insanely talented and dedicated person I've ever met and your fierce loyalty has taken my breath away on more than one occasion. And getting to meet your amazing mother made me understand how you grew up to be the way you are. I couldn't believe someone like you could fall in love with me, someone who never felt she was anything special.
So instead of taking this beautiful, incredible thing as the gift it was (the kind of love most people aren't fortunate enough to experience in this lifetime), I ran. And there were so many reasons, so many excuses...I was scared, I didn't deserve it, I wasn't good enough or brave enough...the bottom line was, I wasn't enough. I knew eventually I would fuck up because that's what I do. And deep down, I think you know that's the truth.
But even now as I cry tears for the love I lost of my own accord, I don't feel empty. My heart is full because I was gifted with you...even if just for a short while, even though I let such a precious thing slip away. And I'm grateful I'll still have you in my life, still get to make music with you...though not in the context I fully want.
You were right, Alex. I need to fight. For the first time in my life, I need to put myself first. To truly believe I deserve to be happy. It won't be easy but I think it'll be worth it. To be honest, I don't know how I'm going to begin to do it...but thank you. For believing in me. Even when I couldn't.
Love Always,
Piper
She put the letter down next to her, wiping her eyes haphazardly with the back of her hand. God, she ached for Piper. Not so much for herself (finally, she could sit with her own pain, accept it while not entirely embracing it) but for Piper who truly felt she was too fucked up to be worthy of being loved. Who was used to being owned and paraded around and coddled like a child but could not handle being fully embraced by someone who just wanted her.
So Alex allowed herself to weep for her, for a woman who would never truly embrace how incredibly special she was. If she had believed in God, she would've prayed that the singer found some sort of solace. She knew all too well what it was like to live with demons and the destruction those demons could do if they weren't kept at bay. There was no telling what the blonde would do next, if she would go forth with marrying Larry, or if she would do what she said and finally put her own hapiness first.
The tears ran dry and her head was pounding and her mouth felt like sandpaper but there was a clarity that she hadn't felt in months. The weight of the world had been upon her shoulders, with the tour and the Lorna mess and keeping Nicky out of trouble and Piper. Now she could breathe again and come back into a place of peace where she hadn't lived in too damn long.
Alex stretched her arms high toward the ceiling, groaning at how damn good a simple gesture could feel. She would concern herself with her own needs at the present time and worry about the rest later.
Picking up her phone, she hit a button and held it to her ear, listening. "Hey, it's me. Yes, I'm alive. No, I don't wanna talk about it. Hah hah, very funny," Alex rolled her eyes, fiddling with the zipper of her sweatshirt. "Listen, I'm just calling to let you know, I'm taking off today. On vacation. For two weeks," she added, pausing for a response. "Yeah, I know. No, I'm booking a flight as soon as we hang up. I don't know," She answerd thoughtfully, contemplating. "Somewhere warm, I guess. I need to fucking regroup, that's all." Holding the phone away from her ear, she grimaced. "Shit, man, you gotta yell? I'm not running away from anything. I'm taking the damn vacation you all agreed I should fucking go on. Sorry," she apologized in the same breath, "Look, Nick, I need a break, OK? Not just from Piper...from my own shit too. I'll text you when I know where I'm going. Yeah. LaGuardia. Love you too." Her voice softened considerably. "I will. Bye."
Within two hours, her flight was booked, bags were packed and she was at the airport. She settled in the Jet Blue terminal, closing her eyes with a deep sigh of relief and waited to be called to board.
She could almost feel the heat of the tropical sun on her skin as she envisioned herself on the beach in St. Bart's. She had been lucky enough to book a private villa (despite paying a small fortune) at the last minute and couldn't wait to do absolutely nothing, to think about absolutely nothing, for two solid weeks.
As promised, she let Nick know where she was going as soon as she knew and had gotten a call from both her and Poussey in return. The drummer had given her her complete blessing, voicing aloud she hoped Alex found the inner peace she was looking for while Nicky reasoned her friend practically had a moral responsibility to drink and hook up with random girls.
Finally, her flight was announced and she rose to stand in line, her carry on bag slung over her shoulder.
"Alex! Wait!"
The dark haired woman spun around to see a breathless Piper, her cheeks tinged slightly pink from running. Her make-up was impeccable and a veil was pinned to her head, looking completely out of place with her Addias sweat pants and sneakers.
"Piper?" Alex said incredulously. "What are you doing here?"
"Stopping you from leaving the country, apparently."
"Miss," The gate agent broke in, "The flight is boarding now so if you're going to continue your conversation-"
"Uh, Brooke," Alex peered at her nametag. "I am so sorry. One minute please. I promise. Please. Just one minute."
"One minute," The agent warned. "If I make an exception for you, then I'll have to make one for everyone."
"Thank you so much." She flashed a grateful smile and then stepped out of line to regard Piper. "Seriously, what are you doing here? I'm gonna fucking kill Nicky. I'm about to get on a plane."
"I know. And I'm sorry, but I needed to see you."
" I don't understand. You're getting married. Or you're already married, I guess."
"Alex," The blonde implored and Alex finally looked into her eyes, nearly gasping at what she saw in their depths. "I'm not married."
Piper was speaking but Alex found herself having trouble comprehending her words. Nothing was quite sinking in and she blinked rapidly to try and make sense of what she was saying. "You're not?"
The blonde smiled indulgently. "No," she replied gently, her voice as soft as a caress. "I couldn't go through with it."
"Holy shit." Remembering they were letting her board last, she went up to the gate agent. "Thanks for waiting but I need to talk to my friend."
"But your flight..."
"Fuck the flight."
She led them to a bench in the terminal. There wasn't much privacy and Piper was drawing stares with her veil, but it would have to do.
"I got your letter," Alex said after they had sat. "Pipes-God. What changed? I mean, I'm so fucking glad that you did what you said, you know? But I just-"
"I don't know. One minute I was getting my make-up done and my hair and wondering if you were reading my letter and the next minute, I was calling Nicky to find you and I just...I left. I told Polly to tell Larry and everyone else I was so sorry but I couldn't live a lie. And then I was on the train to come here." She shook her head, her eyes bright. "It's like I had this moment of total clarity. And I asked myself-what do you deserve? Really and truly?"
"You deserve to be happy, Piper." Alex leaned forward in her seat. "And it's not something you're going to get completely from someone else."
"I know that now. But I also know I'm so fucking tired of being afraid. I had to stop, Al...I had to stop and tell myself for once in my existence to quit being a total coward. I know what pure bliss feels like." Piper shook her head in wonder, "I feel it when I step out on a stage. I feel it when I connect with a room full of people I don't know at all but we're together in it anyway...and I feel it when I'm with you. When I'm just standing near you or when you're looking at me. I felt it every single time we made love. You make me so fucking indescribably happy. And I'll scream it from the rooftops if that's what it'll take for you to believe me."
She reached over to take Alex's hand in hers and as their eyes connected, Piper's were cerulean pools...clear and honest. "So I'm taking your lead here, Al. And I may suck at the whole complete honesty thing, but I'm trying," she smiled. "This is the deal. I want you. Just you. I want to wake up with you and go to sleep with you and make you laugh and we'll fight an then have amazing make-up sex and make music together. I want that with you. It's my turn to lay it on the line. Because all the good things in my life? If I can't share them with you, Alex...I don't want them. You...you're everything."
Tears cascaded down her cheeks and she brushed them away. "Listen, you don't have to say anything. I know how much I fucked things up so-"
Alex cut her off, cupping her cheek tenderly. "Be quiet."
"What?"
She captured her lips with her own, kissing her greedily, ignoring the applause and cheers of people around them who apparently had been listening to their conversation.
As she broke away, burying her face into Piper's hair, (inhaling the sweet smell that she had missed beyond comprehension) her heart was fireworks and shooting stars and sparkles and so full with how complete it was, she was sure it would burst.
"Al," Piper burrowed into her body, her cheek flush against hers, "I can't promise I'm not gonna make you completely crazy..."
"Oh, baby," Alex laughed throatily, throwing her head back, "We are already there."
The blonde nudged her. "Stop. I'm serious." She regarded the dark haired woman. "Are you really prepared for a relationship with me?"
"Pipes," She drawled fondly, wrapping her arms around her slim waist, "Has anyone ever told you you talk entirely too much?"
"Mmmm, once or twice."
"C'mere." Pulling her to stand, Alex enveloped her tightly, her lips grazing her ear. "Just so you know...I'm never letting you go again."
"Good thing," Piper leaned into her. "Because I'm planning on sticking around."
Epilogue
"Do you think it's too much?"
"Babe, relax. Everything looks great. You did an amazing job."
"Thanks. I just want everything to be perfect. It's our first time hosting something here. As a couple."
"Piper...baby. Listen to me, alright?" Alex took her girlfriend's face into both of her hands, gently stroking her cheeks with the pads of her thumbs. "The table's beautiful. The flowers are beautiful. And you...you're beyond beautiful. Please stop worrying. Everyone coming for brunch today loves us...so there's no pressure. You are adorable when you're nervous though," She pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead.
The blonde sighed. "I don't know...I guess there's been alot of changes the past few months and I want everyone to feel completely at ease."
"They will," She reassured her, watching as Piper wiped an imaginary speck of dust off of the coffee table with her finger.
It had been nearly six months since they had begun officially dating and three since Piper had moved to New York to live with her. It was a logical progression, since they recorded their albums in the city and the rest of the band resided there. Piper had gone back to Boston briefly to tie up loose ends and gather her things (Alex could tell she still felt badly about the way things had ended with Larry) and then settled rather easily (suprisingly so) into domestic life.
The singer had come leaps and bounds with dealing the torrent of emotions she had managed to slip under the rug her entire life. She had (with Alex's support) sought out a therapist who was helping her process her past and was making steady progress daily. She was learning who she was, not who others wanted her to be, and Alex couldn't have been prouder.
"No more cleaning." Alex took her into her arms, pulling her onto the couch with her as Piper squealed. "Love you," She positioned the blonde on her lap. "Just so you know."
"I do," Piper acknowledged with an grin, "But it's nice to hear it." She leaned over to kiss the other woman, Alex moaning as she ran her lips over a tendon on her neck.
"Shit!" The blonde broke away abruptly, "I have to go get the quiche out of the oven."
"Seriously? Right now? Are you trying to kill me, woman?"
"Yes, right now. Unless you want the apartment to burn to the ground." Kissing her girlfriend's cheek consolingly, she sprang up, darting into the kitchen, as Alex groaned and sank down into the couch cushions.
"Why are we having people over anyway?" She called grumpily. "We could have just had a nice, quiet, naked, Sunday..."
"Because we're leaving on a tour in five days and we won't get a chance to do this, for like, a year?" Piper answered, strolling back into the living room. "It'll be nice to eat with everyone, don't you think?"
"I could think of a few things I'd much rather be eating," The dark haired woman pulled Piper back down with her, grinning wickedly.
"Al!" Her girlfriend playfully swatted at her but snuggled against her all the same."You look amazing, by the way."
Alex looked down at her clothes, puzzled. "I'm wearing your sweater, Pipes, and jeans."
"Mmmhmm, just say thank you. And yes, you look incredible in my sweater. The green matches your eyes." She stroked Alex's long hair, twirling the end gently around her index finger. "And you smell so good." Piper rested her head against Alex's chest as the other woman slid her hands under the thin material of her shirt to stroke her back. "God...I could stay like this all day."
"Still can. Cancel."
"Tempting." The blonde curled up closer. "Everyone will be here any minute."
They lay in comfortable silence, Piper rubbing her feet against Alex's absentmindly. "Al?"
"Mmmm?"
"When we met, all that time ago, did you...I mean, could you have even imagined that we would end up like this ? Us, together. Having our friends coming over to our place. It's completely crazy."
Piper had moments of disbelief frequently, as if it was almost too much to comprehend that she could be this insanely happy.
Alex couldn't blame her. Sometimes she felt the same way, almost shocked that someone who hadn't cornered the market on joy growing up could have everything she could ever want; success in her chosen career, great friends and bandmates, a supportive mother and love as deep and genuine as she had ever thought to exist. Rarely, that familiar pin prick of dread would sneak up on her, threatening to fuck things up, but she learned to brush it off and chase it away with playing music or getting outside or a phone call to Nicky who lived in her own perpetual state of bliss with Poussey in their lower east side rental.
More often than not, all it would take was a small, miniscule touch from Piper, a flicker of blue eyes, her soft lips pressed against the side of her jawbone...a silent promise. They helped each other out, both almost acutely aware of when the other person's insecurities would threaten to sneak up on them sinisterly. They had become each other's champions and protectors.
"I didn't know what would happen exactly," Alex clasped her hand. "But I knew my life was never going to be the same."
In a few minutes, their home, the one they had created together, would be filled with laughter and noise and music and friendship and the conversation and wine would both flow as the table was lined with colorful bowls and beautiful flowers and they would all eat and drink for hours until everyone left.
But at that moment, Alex reveled in the fact she could be selfish and have Piper all to herself, if only briefly.
"I think I knew that too," The blonde said quietly. "I think I knew it when you took my hand." She smiled into the cashmere of her own sweater. "I love our life."
"Me too, kid." Alex agreed softly, tucking her girlfriend's head to fit under her chin, "Me too."
Thank you all SO much for reading! Your reviews have made it all worth the long journey and I hope you all enjoyed the ride. This fic (and your amazing responses) have honestly lifted my spirit and shed much light on a dark time in my life. That means more to me than you know. So thank you again, from the bottom of my heart!
Jess
