Author's Note: Seems a lot of people noticed that Carlisle was a little cold and distant with Bella. Trust me, there's a reason, bbs! Just sit back and relax. ;D
Oh, and just a few canon reminders. (I've had to go to the Lexicon so many times to get this stuff straight ... lol.) Bella doesn't know Jacob is a werewolf at this point in the book. And though she saw the wolves in the meadow, she's unaware that werewolves exist or that they killed Laurent. She just saw them chase him off. Also, Jacob has gone through the transformation, but he's still avoiding her. K? K.
3 Now then – on with the return of Angst-ward. Because he hurts so pretty.
***
Pain on Pain
Written by Coquette
Chapter Three
I got lost in the rain.
The air was thick with moisture, the creeping fog keeping me from seeing anything more than a few feet in front of my face. All the trees looked the same, mist-shrouded giants that towered around me, each one resembling the last until I was completely turned around.
I felt small and exposed, teeth chattering as I inched through the gloom. Still, though I knew I was lost, I wasn't afraid. He was out there somewhere. I could feel him, drawing me forward like I was under some sort of thrall. Not only could I feel his nearness, but I could hear him as well – always just out of reach.
A branch snapped to my right.
I frowned, distracted, and barely avoided tripping over a gnarled tree root.
It wasn't like Edward to make noise if he didn't want to be heard, so I knew I was supposed to follow. But I didn't understand the game -- namely, why he was leading me out here rather than facing me. I'd known him to be evasive before, but this wasn't like him.
Though it was pouring, I pulled off the hood of my jacket so that I could see without anything blocking my peripheral vision. Rain soaked my hair, dripped from my nose and chin, but I barely noticed it. Another branch snapped ahead of me, and I quickened my pace, growing more and more anxious to see him.
I could see light up ahead. A brighter clearing in the trees. Maybe he would be there, waiting for me...
I stepped through the line of trees and found myself ... right back where I'd started. At home. Mouth open, I stared at the house, at my truck. Without me even realizing what he'd been doing, Edward had turned me around and led me out of the forest the same way I'd come.
It stung like a rejection. A slap to the face, even. I turned to stare at the woods behind me, tears filling my eyes.
If he'd gone to so much trouble to bring me my truck and make himself known, why wouldn't he talk to me?
It was enough to get me angry. Though my throat had started to ache, I pushed the tears back and kicked a rock out of my path. "I'm not in the mood to play games, Edward," I called out. "Don't be such a coward. If you want to talk, well ... you know where to find me."
I waited, giving him one last chance to speak up. But after a few seconds with no response, my chin fell in defeat. I hugged myself and turned toward the house.
Edward stood in my path, his body partially obscured behind a tree.
I drew up short, a shuddering breath caught in my throat. Though I'd known he was out there somewhere, I still reeled at the sight of him – his beautiful face peeking out through the mist like a ghostly memory.
Something in my heart clicked back into place. A lock. A puzzle piece.
I forgot my anger – forgot everything – when I saw the look on his face. He looked like an uncertain little boy. Wary, like he knew he'd done something wrong. Skittish, like he was ready to bolt back into the forest. I realized then that he hadn't been playing games with me. Not intentionally, at any rate. No, he was just as uncertain about this rendezvous as I was. I could tell that he really did want to see me -- but maybe wasn't sure if he should.
His hair and clothing were soaked from the downpour, bangs plastered flat against his forehead. Lips pale, dappled with raindrops. Shadows smudged beneath his eyes. He looked younger than I remembered. Lost. Still, beneath the vulnerability, something else brewed. His black eyes were liquid fire, a quiet anger brewing within.
But was he angry – or was that hunger I was seeing?
I flashed back to that first day at Forks High School more than a year ago, when he'd had such a violent reaction to my scent. Edward had been away from me for so long -- it would make sense if my scent caused him to struggle with his bloodlust again.
"Are you going to..." I gulped and took a step backwards. "...eat me?"
He almost smiled ... but not quite.
I relaxed a fraction, taking the half-smile as reassurance that he was in control of his thirst. I'd already be dead if he wasn't. Though he still looked angry, I could see him better now – through the eyes of someone who wasn't in a complete state of shock – and I couldn't decide now if that anger was directed at me or at someone else. Because I saw something else in his face, too. Once upon a time, I might have called it love.
I didn't know what to call it now.
We stood and stared at each other for a solid minute. It was awkward, unnerving, but it was also good. It filled me up inside ... to be able to see him again, to know that he still existed in the same world I did. It was all I could do not to run over and barrel into him. I wanted to feel his arms wrapped tight around me, his fingers in my hair, his skin beneath my lips.
I settled for just looking at him. After months without him, it was enough.
"Hi," I said at last – voice meek, shy.
His gaze dropped to the forest floor. "Hello."
I had to strain to hear him. His tone wasn't unkind, but it wasn't particularly warm either. It reminded me of the first guarded months after we'd met last year. Still, there was something worrisome on the edges of it. He didn't seem like himself somehow. It was as if all the life and light had gone out of him, leaving him empty.
Where had he been all this time, and what had happened that had made him so sad?
I shifted on my feet, anxious for him. "A-are you okay?"
His eyes returned to my face. "Am I...?" He chuckled – a hard, incredulous sound. I saw the anger flash in his eyes again. "I should be asking you that. God, Bella. Look at you."
After everything I'd fought through -- after everything that I'd striven to overcome to get this normal -- his words seriously rubbed me the wrong way. I narrowed my eyes, suddenly defensive. "What's that supposed mean? That I'm soaked and cold? Sorry. I got led on a wild goose chase there for a few minutes."
Edward had the decency to look apologetic. He stepped out fully from behind the tree but still hovered some distance away. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean for you to follow. Well. Maybe I did. I don't know. I just ... didn't plan for things to go this way."
"I don't understand what you mean."
To be honest, I wasn't even sure that he understood what he meant. Edward was a mess – full of contradictions, of confusion and self-doubt. I stared at him ... and really started to worry about him.
His eyes skimmed over me. "You're shivering." He shrugged out of his jacket as if to offer it to me but hesitated once he had it in his hands. "I'd give this to you, but it's soaked." He chuckled again, just as bitterly as before. "Making things worse, as per usual," he muttered. "You should probably go inside, Bella -- where it's warmer. I'll stay away this time. I promise."
I stared at him, trying to make sense of his convoluted thought processes. "I didn't ask you to stay away. Why are you acting like this? Like you're afraid to come near me?"
"Maybe I am afraid -- that the second I get near you, you'll get hurt." He gestured to the cut on my cheek, which had started to throb in the cold rain. "Though I suppose that destructive pattern has already started, hasn't it? Five seconds in the same room with me, and you're already walking away, bleeding."
"I'm the clumsiest person in a hundred mile radius – probably several hundred miles. That's hardly your fault." I shook my head when the pained expression on his face didn't change. "It's just a cut, Edward. You know I've had worse. Carlisle patched me right up."
Edward's eyes were suddenly sharp – angry again. "You saw Carlisle?" he asked, tone flat.
I frowned, taken aback by the change in him. "Well, yeah. He gave me stitches at the hospital. Is that a ... problem?"
A muscle in Edward's jaw ticked. "It's nothing. I just asked my family to stay away from you, is all."
His words surprised me, but they shed a bit of light on some questions I'd had. Such as why Alice hadn't come to see me yet, or why Carlisle had acted nice but distant toward me at the hospital.
"Why would you do that?" I fumed. "That's not fair."
"I have my reasons," he replied, and I could tell I wasn't going to get anything else out of him on the subject. If I wanted to know, I'd have to find out from someone else. "Regardless, I'm sorry I startled you this morning in class. I thought you knew I was back."
"How could I possibly have known that?" I asked.
Edward looked at me as if he was trying to decide if I was serious or not. "I suppose you really were asleep last night, weren't you? I came to see you, and you asked me to leave."
"Oh," I said, feeling foolish. A blush stained my cheeks. "I thought I was dreaming."
"I see. Well, all the same, I'm sorry I snuck into your room. I know I don't have any right to do so. I just needed to make sure you were all right. Alice told me you were fine, but ... I needed to see it for myself." The hard edge returned to his eyes, and his words started coming very fast. "Bella, why didn't you try to contact us after Laurent…" He trailed off, as if the very question frustrated him. "He could have killed you. He could still be out there."
"And how exactly was I supposed to contact you? You didn't exactly leave a forwarding address."
Edward opened his mouth to argue – then closed it again. He swallowed and didn't speak again for a few moments. Then he asked quietly, as though he were afraid of the answer, "How did you even get away? Alice couldn't see you again until later."
"Luck, I guess. Wolves came out of the forest and chased Laurent off."
Edward's eyes widened. "What kind of wolves?"
I threw up my hands. "I don't know. The big kind. Are you going to find some way to blame me for that, too?"
"It wouldn't be difficult," said Edward. "You shouldn't have been out in that forest by yourself."
"Oh, I cannot believe you. You haven't been around for months, Edward, and now you just show up to ... to scold me. I don't know why you're so angry with me, but if that's it, then that's just stupid. It doesn't even make sense."
I watched as my words registered on his face. They hit him hard for some reason, and the fight went out of him quickly. He exhaled and without warning, sat down – right there on the wet forest floor. He put his head in his hands, a look of despondence on his face that made my heart twist. He looked so sad... I couldn't figure him out at all.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, fingers twisting in his wet hair. "I don't mean to take this out on you. It's not you I'm angry with. It's ... well, my family for one. Some things happened this weekend. I'm not really speaking to all of them at the moment."
I frowned at his words, wanting to ask what had happened. But sensing he wasn't done speaking, I held back.
He lifted his head up, gaze returning to my face. "Though I suppose that's not the whole truth," he said. "Maybe I am a little angry with you, too. Call it scolding or whatever you like, but you lied to me, Bella. I think I have a right to be upset."
My mouth fell open. "Lied to you? What are you talking about?"
"I know I'm a hypocrite for saying this – that I lied to you, too. I know I should leave you alone. I've broken my promise to stay away from you." Edward's eyes flashed again, anger mixed with longing. "But only because you broke your promise to me first. You told me before I left Forks that you wouldn't do anything reckless or stupid."
I flinched. "I haven't hurt myself, if that's what you're implying."
My words seemed to make him angrier. "Haven't you? Alice saw a few things in recent weeks, and I don't like them, Bella. It seems like you've done everything in your power to be reckless. Why? And when was the last time you looked in a mirror? You're skin and bones. You look exhausted, like someone beat you up. And that's just the tip of the iceberg."
I looked away, a sinking feeling in my gut. "I had the stomach flu recently. It went around school. I probably lost a little weight."
His reply was sarcastic. "Yes, that must be it."
"I'm doing the best I can, Edward. Believe me, this is an improvement."
"Oh, trust me. I know. Do you have any idea what I heard in people's thoughts today at school? What I saw in their memories about you? The second people saw I was back, they started thinking about you and what happened after I left – about what it did to you. It seems everyone in school thinks I should stay away from you."
"I don't care what people say," I whispered.
"I care, Bella, because I care about you. I don't mean to yell at you or cause you pain by bringing all this up. It's just that I left a happy, healthy girl behind last fall, and I don't know where she went."
I didn't how to respond to that. I didn't remember being a happy, healthy girl when he'd left. Perhaps the change was more exaggerated for Edward, since he'd seen only the before and after – and a select few middle scenes he'd picked up from people's minds.
Still, his words hurt me – because deep down, I knew he was right. I hadn't taken care of myself, and regardless of anything he'd done to me, I should have at least tried. If not for him, then for myself. I could blame him for a lot of things – for most of it, actually – but not that part.
My legs suddenly felt weak, and I sat down under a tree, staying some distance away from him. The rain began to slow, a soft drizzle now, the world around us gray and hazy with fog.
I picked up a leaf and twirled it between my fingers by the stem. "When you left ... and I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty, Edward. I just need you to understand." I took a deep breath and tried again. "When you left, it wasn't like you just broke up with me. I think I could have handled that. I've never really understood why you took an interest in me in the first place. But when you were suddenly not there – just gone, ripped away – it honestly felt like you died. I fell apart a little bit. Like I was mourning for you."
I let the leaf drop to the ground. "I'm glad you're back, Edward. And I hope you decide to stay. Not just for me, but because Forks is your home – your family's home. Just know that I don't expect anything from you, so don't feel like you have to avoid me or hide from me. I'll be your friend if you want one, and I won't bug you if you don't." Tears clouded my vision. "I'm just really glad you're here, Edward. I missed you so much."
I didn't realize Edward had gotten up until he was right in front of me. I gasped, caught off guard by his sudden nearness – and held perfectly still as he dropped to his knees in front of me.
He didn't look me in the eyes, but he gripped my upper arms just below my shoulders – firm but gentle – then lowered his face to my hair. I trembled within the tight hold of his hands, almost afraid to let myself truly enjoy that moment. It felt like he was the only thing holding me together.
He held me like that for a long time – nuzzling the top of my head, inhaling and exhaling as if reacquainting himself with my scent.
"I've missed you, too," he whispered, lips moving to brush across my forehead. "I know you're trying your best, and I'm so sorry I didn't give you my best. We'll figure this out, Bella – figure out what's right for both of us. But I promise you this – unless you ask me to, I'll never leave you like that again."
***
To be continued.
Author's Note: Oh my hell, that chapter was hard to write. O_o No idea why. I need a massage – maybe a stiff drink and a kitty to pet.
Ah, Edward. Always overreacting and floundering for control. As for why he's angry with his family, that will be disclosed soon – perhaps through another character. Here's a hint. Name rhymes with chalice...
Thanks for the sweet comments! They really mean a lot to me. I'm trying to answer all of them this morning, but I'm a little behind. Soon. :)
Cheers,
Coquette
