Pain on Pain
Written by Coquette
Chapter Five
The burger consisted of two patties, four slices of cheese, several onion rings, and something that was an unearthly shade of green oozing out from the upper bun. I thought perhaps it might be guacamole, but it would take a braver person than me to know for sure.
I looked from my burger, up at Alice's face, then back at the burger again. "This is the 'something special' you had in mind?"
We were at a local fast food joint, a hole-in-the-wall that Charlie often spoke of in reverent tones. It was the sort of place that made me yell at him if I found out he'd eaten there.
"Apparently it's the highest calorie meal in town," said Alice, eyeing the burger with as much distaste as I was. "Eat up now. Before it erodes the table. Besides, I don't want to look at it any longer than I have to."
"Then why did you order it for me?"
Something sad hovered on the edges of Alice's smile. "Well, I thought that much would be obvious, but you never were very self-aware, were you? You're so thin, Bella. Please eat something. Looking at you right now ... well, it hurts a little. I feel responsible."
"How are you responsible for that?"
Alice wasn't smiling anymore. She just shook her head in reply.
I picked up a French fry and nibbled on the end of it. "Better?"
She sighed. "Not remotely. I owe you an apology, Bella. I don't even know where to start."
"You don't owe me anything," I said, frowning. "I'm just really glad to see you, Alice. You have no idea."
"Oh, I have a pretty good idea. I usually do. But that doesn't negate the rest. So ... do you want the long version or the short?"
"Of what?"
"My apology and explanation, of course. You had to know that was where this was going."
"I thought we were just going to hang out," I said. "And you've already apologized, though I don't even know for what."
"For leaving without saying goodbye," she clarified. "Oh. And let's not forget the seven months of silence in between."
I looked down at my plate, uncomfortable under her repentant stare. I had never felt as though Alice owed me anything – but admittedly, I had been hurt by her actions. Not as much as Edward's had hurt me, but it was there all the same.
She blew her bangs upward with a gust of breath. "Okay. Here it goes. I'll give you the long version because I doubt Edward's told you anything about anything. You know why we left, right?"
I nodded slowly. How could I forget?
"I mean why we really left," said Alice. "I know what Edward told you, but surely you didn't believe that. Anyway, I listened to him when he wanted to leave Forks, and I shouldn't have. To be honest, after watching my lover almost tear your throat out on your birthday, Edward was making a little more sense than usual.
"The thing is," she continued, "I've never been one-hundred percent certain if Edward is the best thing for you. You're very good for him, believe me – but I worry about your well-being, too. And ever since our family came into your life, you haven't exactly had an easy time of it. And Bella, just so you know, that's not going to end anytime soon. That's something you need to consider.
"What I'm trying to say is that I left because I thought separating you from our world was best for you. But I should have talked to you about this before I left. At least said goodbye. Edward begged me not to. He said it would make things worse – that a clean break was best. Believe me, I'm done listening to him. He gets a little crazy when it comes to you."
I traced a finger along the Coke glass in front of me, chasing a droplet of condensation down the side. "Not gonna lie, Alice," I whispered. "It kind of sucked when you just suddenly weren't there. In a big, big way."
"I know," she whispered back. "I saw some of it. Edward asked me not to keep an eye on you when we left, and at first I tried – but the visions came on their own whenever I started to miss you. I didn't interfere, mostly because I still wondered if Edward was right – that we were the cause of your problems and coming back would only make you feel a hundred times worse than you already did. And besides, whenever I saw you doing something reckless – like riding that silly motorcycle – I could see you wouldn't really get hurt.
"But when I saw you in that meadow and Laurent showed up – and I wasn't able to get to you in time – well, most of the family agreed we couldn't just leave you here unprotected anymore. We sort of ... forced Edward's hand." She sighed, and her smile returned. "That part was marvelous."
I stirred my drink with my straw, stomach too tied into knots to actually drink it. "Forced his hand how?"
"Well, after I saw Laurent confront you, I didn't know what to do because I never saw how that vision ended. You just sort of went blank on me." Alice waved a hand across her eyes as if she were blind. "When you suddenly popped back into my sight not long afterward, I saw that Laurent hadn't hurt you like he said he would. I couldn't make sense of it, but at least I knew you were alive and okay.
"I got the whole family on a conference call and told them what I had seen. Edward reacted in the usual way. Swearing, self-flagellation, shaking his fists at the heavens – why, God, why – you know how he gets. After he was done, he said he wanted to check on you by himself, kill Laurent – but still stay away from you. He didn't want the rest of us anywhere near you either. He said this was the very thing he'd wanted to protect you from when we left -- the main reason he'd left you in the first place."
I frowned, wondering if Alice had her facts straight. Edward had left because he'd wanted to move on and didn't want me to come with him – not because he wanted to protect me.
"To make a long story short," she continued, "the rest of us disagreed with him. Carlisle finally put his foot down. He said that we had obviously left you with more trouble than we'd realized, and that it was our responsibility to make it right. Carlisle said he was moving back to Forks, and that the rest of us could come if we wanted. All of us agreed – all except Edward, that is.
"Don't get me wrong, Bella. Edward wanted to come back to you. He's crazy about you – literally. But the combination of worrying about you and worrying that we were all going to mess you up even more ... well, it really got to him. He fought with Carlisle for hours. Carlisle reluctantly agreed to try to keep ourselves as much out of your life as possible – that appeased Edward enough that he finally calmed down."
Alice shook her head. "I love my brother, Bella, but when it comes to you, he only sees things in black and white – and anything that has to do with you getting hurt is black as pitch. He thinks we're going to get you hurt, so right now, we're the bad guys to him."
I nodded to let her know I was listening, but I didn't really comprehend everything she was saying. A lot of it just didn't make sense, not when I remembered what Edward had told me last fall. "I'm sorry you're fighting over me," I said.
"Oh, trust me," said Alice, "we needed to fight. It aired out a lot of things, and I think it's going to be okay very soon. And it's good we came back. I saw some other things – other paths we could have gone down. It's for the best." She reached across the table to grab my hand and give it a squeeze. "Just remember, above all else, Edward loves you. He can be thick sometimes. Blind, even. But if you look deep into every single one of his actions, love is at the bottom of it. Just ... think about it, Bella. I think you might be shocked at what you discover."
I stared at her blankly.
She looked troubled as she studied my expression. "You don't believe a word of that, do you? That Edward loves you." She sighed and squeezed my hand again. "Oh, Bella. You're just as short-sighted as he is."
***
Alice and I spent the rest of the afternoon together.
We left the fast food restaurant (and the repulsive meal) behind and stopped by the local market instead. I grabbed some snacks and a bottle of juice to make her happy, and we drove my truck to a pullout on the highway where the trees were particularly pretty. We sat down on the tailgate of my truck to talk.
She told me what she'd been up to while she was away and about the rest of the family, too. I listened eagerly and stammered out awkward replies when she asked questions about me. Every now and then, she would bring up Edward -- make little comments about how much he cared about me -- but eventually she let the subject rest. I think she could read the disbelief on my face.
"He's lurking out there in the woods, by the way," said Alice, a knowing smirk on her face. "As if I wouldn't notice. Can you hear the theme from Jaws in your head, or is that just me? Oh, now I've done it. He heard me, and he's coming this way."
My stomach twisted nervously. I took a deep breath and turned to look, cheeks flushing when my eyes locked with Edward's. Would I ever get used to the sight of him? He emerged from the woods about fifty yards away and headed in our direction – obviously displeased, though perhaps not as angry as he'd been when Alice had kidnapped me after school. His eyes were unusually lackluster, and his bronze hair stood on end, as though he'd been running his fingers through it. I still wasn't used to him looking so disheveled.
"Oh – hello, Edward," said Alice. "Bella and I have been discussing how ridiculous you are. It was a very long conversation. I'm sure you heard most of it, though, didn't you?"
Edward glared at her. "Are you quite done? It'll be dark soon."
Alice laughed and hopped off of the tailgate, clapping her hands to dust them off. "Sorry, Edward. But Bella and I are far from done."
"You know what's in the forest," said Edward, pointing toward the trees. "We talked about this last night, Alice. I don't care if you can't see any danger. I don't like her so exposed out here."
"Yes, that must be why you're upset with me," said Alice sardonically. "No other reason at all..."
"Don't yell at Alice," I said to Edward. "You're not going to keep us from seeing each other. Just stop trying."
Edward opened his mouth to say something, but Alice took his hand before he could – then she took my hand as well. "Now, children. Let's all remember that we love one another and try to get along. Otherwise, if we don't, I foresee that we will all die horrible, fiery deaths. Are we clear?"
Edward narrowed his eyes at his sister. "You are joking about the death part ... right?"
Alice batted her eyelashes at him sweetly. "Do you really want to test that theory? Just play nice, okay?" She turned to me. "Bella, do you want to come to the house tonight? Esme misses you so much. I'd know she'd be happy to see you. The others, too."
"Alice..." said Edward in warning.
Alice moved her fingers over her ears. "I'm sorry, Bella. There was this annoying buzzing sound in my ear – sort of like a fly that doesn't know when to stop – and I missed your response."
My eyes shifted from Alice's teasing grin to Edward's hard, disapproving scowl. Annoyance tugged at me. "I do want to see Esme and the rest of the family," I said. "And I definitely want to spend more time with you, too, Alice. A lot more time."
"But?" Alice prompted. "Oh. I see. You need some time alone with my brother to express your rage and frustration with him. That's understandable. We all have to do that from time to time. Well – I guess that's my cue to leave, then." She drew up short before she took the first step, however, and her eyes fluttered shut as if she was seeing a vision. Then she turned to Edward, a huge grin on her face. "You're going to lose this battle, by the way. Just so you know. Enjoy it, and try not to bruise her when you do."
***
"What do you suppose she meant by that?" I asked, hugging myself as I watched Alice skip off into the woods.
Edward exhaled sharply and muttered, "You don't want to know."
I glanced up at him, caught off guard by the look on his face. There was a bit of panic there – nervousness, even. "You saw her vision in her thoughts, didn't you?" I said.
Edward nodded and walked a few paces away from me, kicking pebbles out of his path. I had a feeling that was all he was going to tell me on the matter. That, too, bolstered my anger – and I didn't know what to do about it. I knew Alice had hinted that we needed to talk some things out, but I honestly just didn't know where to start.
"I should head back," I said, choosing the coward's route. "Charlie will be home soon. He worries if I'm out too late."
After sending another rock hurdling toward the trees, Edward nodded. "Good. I'll drive."
He held his hand out for my truck keys, but I didn't offer them. "I don't need a chauffeur. I can drive by myself, you know. I have a license and everything."
"It's not safe for you to be alone right now," Edward said quietly. "Humor me."
Remembering that I'd seen Laurent's crimson eyes less than four days ago, I couldn't exactly disagree with Edward's concerns. "You're worried Laurent is still out there, aren't you?"
Edward shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I'm not entirely sure if Laurent is still alive."
I blinked at him in surprise. "What do you mean?"
"I accompanied Carlisle into the woods last night. You know the place. There were ... remains. It was difficult to tell anything because of the recent rain, but I could pick up traces of some familiar scents. Scents I haven't detected in decades." Edward stared down into my face curiously. "Those wolves you saw – how big were they exactly?"
I shuddered. "Big enough."
"How many did you see?"
I told him.
Edward didn't speak for a long time after that.
Reluctantly, I handed over the keys, wincing when his smooth skin brushed against mine. He lagged a step behind me as I headed for the passenger side of my truck, and he opened the door for me when I got there. It was strange – being on the receiving end of his good manners – when things were so strained between us.
I waited until Edward slid into the driver's seat and started the ignition before I spoke again. "Are you going to tell me what's got you so worried?"
He shifted the truck into gear and guided my truck onto the highway – saying nothing.
"Because God forbid I actually know what's going on," I muttered. "Or think for myself. Lucky I have you around to do it for me."
Edward's fingers tightened on the steering wheel, then relaxed a moment later. "I guess I deserve that.
"I guess you do."
"You're angry with me. I guess I deserve that, too."
I sighed and pushed my hair away from my face. "I'm ... annoyed. I hate that you tried to keep your family away from me."
Another long moment of silence pressed between us almost like a physical presence. I watched him, seeing a million different emotions flash across his face. I didn't understand a single one of them.
Finally, he spoke, so softly I could barely hear him. "Bella, if I ever keep anything from you, or do anything that might hurt you, it's only because I care about you and your well-being."
I frowned, confused by his words. "You're not my savior, Edward. And believe it or not, you can't control everything or shield me from every bad thing that may or may not befall me."
"So I'm learning," he said. "I'm sorry, Bella. It's very difficult for me when I feel out of control, especially when it comes to you. I feel like I'm grasping at strings, trying to keep fate at bay – trying to keep you safe and alive. And fate just laughs at me and does what it wants to."
I couldn't make heads or tails of anything he was saying, but the look on his face was enough to break my heart. He looked like he had no place that he really belonged, or like he'd lost something precious to him. That, and the hushed, broken sound of his voice, make a little bit of my anger leak away.
"What's wrong with you?" I whispered, wishing I had the courage to reach out and touch him. "Why are you so sad?"
Edward chuckled – a bitter sound that made my heart twist – but he didn't reply.
I stared at him, trying and failing to figure him out. Alice's words rang in my ears.
Just remember, above all else, Edward loves you.
If you look deep into every single one of his action, love is at the bottom of it. Just ... think about it, Bella.
I turned in my seat, looked straight ahead, and did as Alice had suggested. I thought about it.
I thought about his cheerless mood, his unkempt appearance, his anger over my own less-than-healthy appearance. I thought about that first day I'd seen him in the rain when he'd kneeled before me, his lips pressed against my hair, his hands gripping my arms as if he wanted to pull me inside of him. I thought about the way he'd touched my wrist today in class and stared at it like he'd been the one that had given me the scar. I thought about the look on his face in the cafeteria, when my friends were talking about what I had been like with him gone. I thought about the look on his face now – the pained longing in his eyes – as he pretended he wasn't stealing glances at me.
But then I thought about the day he left me – about everything he'd said to me – and none of the rest mattered.
I almost could pretend Edward still loved me, if I twisted it all around to my benefit. But he didn't. He wouldn't have left if he did. When I remembered that awful day, remembered how he'd said I wasn't good for him, it hit me hard – a death blow to what little control I had over my emotions. I shut my eyes against the hurt and tried not to cry.
Not now, not in front of him.
The ride lasted too long, but though my tears were close to brimming over, I somehow held them back. Eventually, the house came into view. I unbuckled my seatbelt to get out before we even hit the driveway.
Edward put the truck's gear into park and caught my hand before I could slip out of the door. "What happened back there?" he asked, his tone anxious. "I said something, and you took it badly. I hate that I don't know what you're thinking. Tell me, Bella."
"It wasn't anything you said. It was something Alice said." I paused – waited. "I need my arm back, please."
Edward stared at me for a moment longer, his face alarmed at whatever he saw in mine. Then he released me.
I got out of the truck quickly, but he was quicker. I started for the house, marching past him without saying a word. Then I stopped – changed my mind – and marched back toward him. "Edward?" I said, voice shaking. "Why did you leave Forks last September?"
His expression darkened a shade. "I..." He trailed off and looked away. "We talked about this when I left."
"I want to hear you say it again," I pressed. "I want you to tell me why." Even as I said the words, I felt the sudden desire to laugh hysterically at myself. This was insanity, masochism at its finest.
Edward seemed to waver in place where he stood. He shook his head back and forth slowly. "Don't ask me to do that."
"Why not? You didn't have a problem with it seven months ago. You seemed pretty matter-of-fact about it, actually."
He didn't speak – didn't even blink.
"Just tell me you don't love me," I choked out, tears finally spilling over onto my cheeks. "I know you don't. I just need to hear you say it again so I can stop kidding myself."
I put my hand over my mouth, face crumpling with an overwhelming wave of emotion.
Edward reacted instantly – his entire demeanor melting from ice into liquid within the span of a second. "God, Bella. Don't ... please. I can't stand seeing you hurt like this."
He started for me, two long strides closing the distance between us.
I was ready to turn away, but suddenly his hands were touching my face, cool thumbs wiping away the burning tears, lips pressing a kiss to my temple. I gasped as he pulled me against his chest and held me tight, one hand cradling the back of my head. My body reacted instantly – I melted into him, buried my face in his chest, and cried. The harder the sobs came, the tighter he held me – solid, keeping me on firm ground as I all but lost it.
Once he'd started moving, he seemed unable to stop. His hands caressed me, cradled me. And he kept saying something. Whispering it over and over again as he kissed my hair, my cheeks, my eyelids.
I started crying fresh tears when I realized it was, "I love you."
***
Author's Note: *rubs chest directly over heart* Oh, ouch. Some of that actually hurt me to write.
Dearest, sweetest reviewers, I am so sorry I'm behind in replying. Sometimes I get so into my writing, the time just ticks by before I know it. Please know I read and cherished every single word, and it means the world to me that you took the time to let me know you enjoyed the story. Thank you. Really. I'll do better this time, I swear!
Two more chapters to go, I think. Three tops.
See you soon,
-Coquette
