Chapter 5
Wow! Cuddy thought, that's something I didn't expect. House pushing her away, jumping to his feet like that. When all she wanted was... well apparently just what he wanted. Cuddy had to smile when she saw House trying to gain control of himself, of his body and emotions. After years of countless, blatant, sexual remarks from him he picks now to start acting reserved? His attempt at restraint was almost comical, she thought. Cuddy narrowed her eyes and looked over at House. She could have him now she thought, if she wanted to force the issue. Take control. She knew that and the knowledge of that truth allowed her to feel a small, tingling surge of power. How easy it would be to push him over the edge, force him to bend his will to her. To have House surrender to her. Aaarrrrrgh , this was so frustrating. Why was he pushing her away when all she wanted was to be close to him? To feel his arms around her. To make him feel good and cared for and loved and to feel that way herself. Cuddy mentally shook her head. She recognized the strange duality of her thoughts. House could always do that to her. With him she was either feeling fiercely protective or strangely combative, fighting with him for the upper hand. Lately she was swinging back and forth between these two emotions so quickly it was making her head spin. She needed to find a stable center. They needed to or they'd be lost in this crazy vertigo forever. Cuddy realized that she would have to talk to him. Had to try to explain things she wasn't even sure of herself yet. Not because of his threat- that was totally laughable. So unworthy of House. She must have really gotten to him. He wasn't even thinking like himself. Never make a threat your not prepared to follow through with and she was pretty sure he would never throw her out into the middle of a blizzard. Well, 99% sure anyway.
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The atmosphere in the room had changed quickly. It was like a freak storm violently blowing in on a perfectly clear day. House was frustrated by Cuddy's antics. Cuddy resented House for pushing her to go where she felt ill-prepared to venture.
House glared down at her. "Ok Cuddy talk or walk. Your choice."
Cuddy stood up, narrowing her eyes at House, and lifting her chin, she silently challenged him to make the next move.
House growled "Tell me why you came here?
"Tell me why you sent for my old desk?", she quickly retorted.
House was taken aback by her change in tactics. He tilted his head and said ironically, "I didn't even know you noticed it.
Cuddy winced. "Why House? Why the desk?" she spat out.
"I asked you first. Answer my question." He immediately replied.
Cuddy stood there silently. House angrily picked up her bag and coat and shoved them into her hands.
"House, you know why I came here tonight damn it"
"Tell me!"
" I was sorry for the way I treated you about coming to the Simhat bat."
"That's it?"
House took two steps over to Cuddy forcing her to crane her neck to be able to look him in the eye. His intense stare never left her face.
"I wanted to apologize." she ground out.
"Which is why you stormed into my house like an angry squatter. I know that's the way I always apologize."
"Who are you kidding? She sneered. You've NEVER apologized for ANYTHING in your life."
Two pairs of eyes flashed anger, fighting over dominance.
"I have nothing to apologize for!" I've been very patient with you and --
"Nothing? Nothing!? You call grabbing my breast when I'd made myself vulnerable to you, nothing !?', Cuddy stammered.
" Vulnerable?? House looked incredulous. " You didn't make yourself vulnerable. You made yourself available!"
"House!!"
"Just like tonight!"
Cuddy dropped her coat and bag onto the floor and shoved past House , causing him to stumble into the coffee table. She ran into the bedroom and slammed the door.
House grabbed his cane and quickly loped after her. He shouted through the door."Answer the damn question Cuddy! Why the hell are you here?"
Cuddy jerk the door open almost causing House to fall again.
"I DID! I SAID, I WAS SORRY!"
"SORRY? THAT'S IT?! SO WHAT WAS TONIGHT SUPPOSED TO BE? A GUILT LAY FOR THE POOR CRIPPLE? KEEP YOUR APOLOGY. I DON'T WANT YOUR F**KING GUILT, I NEVER DID."
Cuddy looked stunned and incensed. "Is that what you think? Is that how you think I see you? As some kind of pathetic cripple?"
House looked down and took a deep breath. "No." he finally said, "I don't.", Both of them, recognizing the absolute truth in that answer, breathed a bit easier.
When he looked up again House could see Cuddy had her back braced against the wall. Her hands splayed out on either side of her for the additional support. Her head was bowed and her hair was all wild curls. The robe, which had practically falling off her during her hasty retreat to the bedroom, was completely opened in front. The only purpose the white tie now served, which hung low on Cuddy's naked hips, was to look like the belt of an exotic belly dancer. House could see every curve that a front view afforded and was completely unable to pry his eyes away from her perfectly sculptured body. He knew he was in deep trouble. "Lisa," he croaked.
Cuddy looked up to see the glazed look in House's eyes, coupled with a silent plea. She stared back. Her own eyes filled with questions. She took a deep, steadying breath causing House's own breathing to speed up exponentially. A small look of regret passed across her face. Without breaking the stare Cuddy carefully reached down and pulled the robe closed. Neither of them moved. Both were frozen by the thoughts of what could have been and with the words which needed to be spoken first. The silence flowed around them, filling every corner of the room. Through the window the faintest beginning of daybreak could be seen.
Finally, with her voice pitched low, Cuddy spoke. "Ok," she said, " I'll go first." "I did want to come here and apologize. I felt horrible about what I had said. But that's not all," she said quickly, when she saw the impatient look pass across House's face. "I spent the whole night of Rachel's Simchat -bat thinking about you. Every time the doorbell rang I answered it and hoped it would be you. And when it wasn't, I was filled with such disappointment." With a small smile Cuddy added, "I can't tell you how many of my relative now think I don't like them. And I am sure my mother is going to have to listen to lots of complaints come the morning."
Just then, for only the briefest of seconds, House rewarded Cuddy with what only she would recognize as a smile.
Nervously biting her bottom lip Cuddy continued, "I want to explain about why I told you I didn't want you there, or at least why I think, I said I didn't want you there."
House interrupted her." Well that's easy, Cuddy. "It's because I'm an insensitive jerk, who would have ruined the whole affair. "
Cuddy's face reddened.
" No, House. You are not a jerk - well not all of the time anyway, and not lately really" she smiled. "And, you are certainly not insensitive. You are the most sensitive person I know."
House looked at her doubtfully but let her continue.
"Beside " she said, "most of the people were friends from the hospital and they know how you are, and my mother knows you, and strangely enough likes you. And well if you had pissed off my sister that would have just earned you bonus points. So that's not it. I know you would have behaved, she conceded - for my sake anyway."
House's mouth formed a frown. "And yet you still didn't invite me,"
His face, still filled with pain, was looking more impatient.
Cuddy looked at the floor to avoid his eyes. "House, you're my friend. You're my dearest friend. I have always loved you - even when you made me hate you. I loved you." House frowned further at Cuddy's faulty logic. She bravely continued on. "But lately, lately I want more, and yes, I know you just think I have the "hots" for you - but it's not that, or rather its not just that- because I do - have the hots for you, I mean - that is. I know you know that already. Cuddy's face had gone through several shades of pink during the conversation and was now definitely approaching deep red. "But you have the hots for me too and you can't deny it" Cuddy gestured toward him with her hand. For once the smile on House's face did not need the skills of a detective to be found. Try as he might he couldn't hide how amusing he was finding her embarrassment. But, for her sake, he did make an extra effort to hold in the laugh that threatened to escape. Cuddy hid her face in her hands and groaned. After a moment she continued. "But, ah, it's more than that physical attraction. I think, I think - well I'm pretty damn sure I'm in love with you and its scaring the hell out of me." she was finally able to blurt out. If Cuddy had looked up at that second she would have seen House's face full of joy. The look in his eyes echoed the smile on his face. He reached out to pull Cuddy to him.
Cuddy put her hand against his chest to stop him.
"No, she said determinedly, "Your turn."
House looked down at Cuddy's arm with surprise. He had fought all night with her to get her to open up. To admit to feelings he had hoped were there, but had feared might not be. In his low gravelly voice House spoke to her.
"Cuddy you have just confessed you love me. You admit you want me, and, like you said, you obviously know I want you, and now you don't want to kiss me. House shook his head. "I'm beginning to understand why your relationships never last long. I can see this is going to be a lot of work."
"Yes and we all know how you feel about work." Cuddy quipped back.
House smiled at Cuddy. He was relieved to see they were still able to snark at each other after all the emotions they'd been through. But he knew that's not what either of them really wanted at that moment.
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Cuddy was all jagged nerves and heightened senses. For the first time in her adult life she had been forced to admit to needing someone. Forced to admitted, to both him, and herself, that she was in love.
With him. -
With House.-
She was in love with House.
House.
Letting go of years of denial both lightened her spirit and terrified her. She needed time to sort through all her emotions. It wasn't for no reason that she had fought this from the time they had met. She was pretty certain he loved her. Didn't think he'd ever be able to say it though, but she was ok with that. She knew how loyal he was. She knew how deep his feelings went and all the defense mechanisms he used to deny them. None of that matter to Cuddy. House was House. He always would be and she was more than fine with that. She also knew he needed her. She had known that for some time now. Even before he did. And she knew about his deep pain. Over the years she had given him what she though he needed to fill some of that need, to ease some of his pain but she was scared it would never be enough. She was also scared of being hurt. He was the only person who had the ability to hurt her deeply. To injure her right to her soul. Like he had when he told her she would make a terrible mother and, more troubling to her, like he did with the desk. Cuddy wanted time to think. She wanted her turn to ask questions. But it didn't look like House was going to play fair. She knew he was going to kiss her and she felt powerless to stop him and confused about whether she wanted to.
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House looked down at Cuddy's hand, the long tapered fingers with the perfectly polished nails positioned like a barrier against his pounding heart. He let his eyes travel up her elegant arm and come to rest on her face, that beautiful face with those ever changing eyes., eyes that had tethered him to her for so many years now. Staring deeply into them, House let Cuddy see the need and desire that filled him. He reached down and took Cuddy's hand off his chest and into his own hand. He traced small circles in her palm, mirroring what she had done to him earlier. He then laced his large fingers with her small delicate ones and brought her arm up above her head pinning it against the wall. House's other hand held tightly onto his cane for balance. He knew he needed this to happen. Knew it was going to happen. The way Cuddy looked, staring up at him, vulnerable because she'd finally admitted the truth about her feelings. The way her lips looked, slightly parted in anticipation, the quick little dart her tongue made across those sweet lips. There was no way House wasn't going to kiss her,..touch her.. have her ..now. House bent low, barely letting his lips graze hers, slowly reaching in for more contact and then pulling away at the last possible second. Cuddy shivered, wetting her lips with her tongue. House came even closer, biting her lower lip with his teeth then running his tongue along the same sensitive area. Cuddy moaned as House covered her mouth with his own. Feeling the pressure of his lips against hers, House let himself savor her taste. He let his tongue explore at will and was thrilled to feel Cuddy's own tongue do the same. The kiss deepened and House admitted to himself that he'd love to take her right here against the wall, but his bad leg ruled that out. He knew he would have to stop soon, but only for the amount of time it would take to move into the bedroom. He just couldn't seem to find the strength to pull away from her yet. Her tongue in an exotic dance with his own, was driving him insane. House was in a fog. The world had disappeared and there was nothing else but this. Nothing else but her and this incredible kiss. He let go of her hand and without conscious thought his own hand move under the robe to explore her body.
House was suddenly, and jarringly, brought back to his senses when his cane flew out from under him. He lost his balance and crashed painfully against the wall, his shoulder catching the brunt of the force. What the F**k happened?! Had she just kicked his cane out from under him?!
"CUDDY! WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT???? He yelled. " House straightened out by pushing himself against the wall. He bent down and grabbed his fallen cane.
