Chapter 6

House was going to kill her. Cuddy knew it and she didn't blame him. She didn't know what possessed her. Just a feeling of self preservation - of not finding any other way to stop what was happening between them. That kiss had been the type of kiss that could cause you to forget about everything else. But Cuddy didn't want to forget. She had questions and she wanted answers. She had finally come to terms with the fact that for better or worse she loved House. But the trouble was she didn't know how he felt. Not for sure anyway, and even if she suspected his feelings for her might run as deep as hers did for him she didn't know if she could trust him to not to do something stupid and heartlessly destroy what was between them.

Cuddy ran her tongue along her bottom lip remembering how just a moment ago House had been sucking on it. She thought about how his lips had felt on hers, how his tongue had probed her mouth. That kiss had been the most amazing kiss in her life, and the moisture between her thighs gave testament to just how much she had enjoyed it. My God, she thought what is wrong with me? It had been so good, the start of what she had wanted for so long now, what both her heart and body were craving for. And not only had she stopped it, she stopped it in a way that would guarantee Houses anger. Cuddy's heart was quickly racing and her hands were shaking. She though this is what a panic attack is supposed to feel like. But I don't get panic attacks. She didn't know what was wrong with her. She liked sex. She was good at sex. Why couldn't she just go along with what they both wanted so badly? What they both needed? Why was getting this exactly right so important to her?

House slammed his fist against the wall in anger and frustration. Cuddy cringed and held her breath. Looking at House she knew she wouldn't be able to fight or resist him any longer.

House took a deep breath and tried to process what had happened.

He was mad but he knew anger, just like all other emotions, clogged his thinking processes. He turned and stared at Cuddy. Her eyes were as big a saucers and she looked as if she were holding her breath. He tried to gage what was going on. He had felt her physical response to him so it wasn't some kind of evil way to let him know she wasn't interested. He studied her closer. He saw surprise in her face - well she wasn't half as surprised as he had been that's for sure. He also noticed fear in her eyes, which puzzled him. And, as much as he didn't want to admit it, he saw the same silent, help I'm completely at your mercy plea, which he had sent her earlier. House silently took two steps back from Cuddy and he noticed her finally letting her breath out.

God, she actually looks lost - and a bit scared. It reminded him of when they had first met. She was beautiful even then, almost as beautiful as she was now, only with a less confident air about her. She was unsure of being on her own, away from her family for the first time. She was slightly insecure, but smart and determined and, as he discovered after a while, very funny. He remembered the fun he had tutoring her. How at first she didn't know what to make of him. His jokes and games and jibes. But she was a fast learner and soon she became his favorite person to banter with. He wanted to teach her other things too, aside from her studies, but try as he might he could never get her to take him seriously. Whenever he wanted to see her he knew where he could find her. She was practically chained to that desk of hers, in her dorm room. He had a vivid picture of her sitting there at that desk, head bowed over a book, long glossy black hair flowing all around her, hiding her face and creating her own private sanctuary.

House remembers how he'd go there and try to talk to her but unless it was Monday, she would just tell him to go away she was studying. She'd never even looked up. Except for one time when he'd barged into her dorm room, expecting the same results but willing to give it another try, and he'd found her sitting there crying . Not knowing what else to do House had pulled up a chair and had just sat next to her as she wept. When she put her head down on the desk he had rubbed her back for a while. After some time passed Cuddy had explained that her mother had called to tell her her father had a heart attack. He was in the hospital but they expected he would be fine. Her mother had told her there was no reason to fly home and Lisa knew she was right, but she missed her family terribly. She also told House that the main reason she enjoyed studying at her desk more than anywhere else, was because it was a gift from her parents and whenever she sat there she remembered them and knew that they loved her. The desk brought her comfort.

Weeks later, right before he was set to leave, House had taken out the bottom draw of the desk and carved the initials G. H and L.C. into it. Lisa had used it as proof that she was right all along in assuming he wasn't serious about her. If he had been, she had said, he would have added a heart. He remembered laughing when he heard her say it and being content that his initials would always be a part of something that made her feel safe and loved.

Looking over House could see that Cuddy's breathing was still a bit erratic. He knew he had to give her time to gain control of herself - just as she had done for him earlier. He looked down at the floor trying to puzzle it all out. He just couldn't make sense of her emotions. Cuddy afraid? Of what? sex? That was laughable - she was a goddess. Men fawned at her, which she knew and had no compulsion about using to her advantage. Next to her professional life, her sex appeal was the only other area in Cuddy's life that she wasn't insecure about. No, it wasn't the sex itself. Him? Why? Was she scared of being hurt? She had to know how he felt about her. Everyone else in the damn hospital knew, even random patients knew. Why wouldn't she know?

Cuddy had left the wall she had been leaning against ,walked over to the table and picked up the discarded glass of scotch. With shaking hands she took a large gulp then walked over to House and silently handed it to him. House finished it off, walked around Cuddy and placed the empty glass back where it had come from.. He continued with his thoughts . Neither one of them had spoken since House's initial, startled outburst. The only sound in the room was the slow thump, thump, thump of House's cane as he slowly bounced it against the floor. Cuddy glanced over at him and waited. After a while he looked up at her and said, "So can you give me a hint?" Cuddy's smile revealed her relief. House was being a good sport about this. He always was when it came to their interactions, and her occasionally insane reactions to him. "I want to ask you some questions, she said and I want you to stay over there while I do. Arms length away.