Right, everyone, I'm going to give you a bit of a shock in this chapter. Obviously, since Edward never came back, the whole time when he wasn't there is different. Anyway, as detailed in my previous author's note, I'm going to let them have a good rant at each other, and reveal some stuff about what Bella did when he wasn't there.

Not for younger readers.

Chapter Four; Feeling

Alice insisted that she took me shopping again and then back to her house. I baulked at the second part, both embarrassed at what I had done to the wall, and not really wanting to face Edward again. But, as always, Alice was determined to get me there, and, knowing it would do me no good to complain, I succumbed. She pushed me into her car, but then I reminded her that I had ridden my motorcycle to meet her, and didn't want to leave it on the other side of town for someone to nick. Reluctantly, she allowed me to get on the bike and ride it to her house instead. She followed behind me, and through the tinted windows I could see her eyes rolling at me and she overtook me and drove scarily fast to the apartment. She tugged me to the elevator, and we rode the rest of the way up. She assured me that Edward wasn't going to be home for hours, so I warily agreed to stay for a while, but stipulated that I was leaving before he got here, because I didn't want to give myself the chance of slipping our game plan away. At least that's what I told her. My real reason was that I still needed time to psyche myself up before I had any further encounters with him. I wasn't ready to face him...yet.

I was received with a warm welcome at the Cullen residence, and I forgot my sense of time as immersed myself in their friendly familiarity. I played on the Xbox with Emmett and Jasper, a competitive game of go-fish with Rosalie, Alice, and even Carlisle, and relieved my travels to them. I avoided talking about Edward, and they didn't press the subject. It felt right, and felt like home. I didn't realise how late I was until Alice suddenly spaced out on us, having a vision, resurfaced and told us what she had seen.

'Sorry, Bella. He's coming back.' I immediately leapt to my feet, but Emmett laid a large hand on my shoulder.

'How long, Ali?' he asked. She sighed and shook her head.

'Not long enough. He's already in the elevator. He'll be here in six...five...four...three...two...one.' the door banged open. Everyone froze, tensing, as if waiting for the tension to erupt. The only thing I could hear was the breathing of eight different people in the room. It felt like I was moving in slow motion, as I turned beneath Emmett's arm to face Edward. His eyes were wide and dark, his nostrils flared, and his entire body was rigid. His gaze wheeled around the room before landing on me.

'Bella.' He said stiffly.

'Edward.' I replied. Keeping the same tone. I shrugged off Emmett's hand and headed for the door. 'Thanks Alice. See you soon.' I heard her mumble a 'yeah.' I made to step past Edward, who was still frozen in the doorway, and then bolted down the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator, and in a single moment I was outside in the car park. I heard footsteps behind me, and whirled around to see Edward standing behind me, wearing strangely desperately on his face. I shook my head, disgusted with him, bitter. Suddenly, he caught my wrist in his hand in an iron grip. My breath stuck in my throat, my body already responding to the rising strain in the air. Abruptly, all the questions I had about the Cullen's presence rose to the surface, spilling from my lips. Through me anger, I saw the rest of his family file out of the building, watching us.

'Well go on, then.' I challenged. 'Why are you still here? You left me before; why stick around now?' he didn't respond.

'Why?' I suddenly started shouting, tearing myself away from Edward's grasp. 'Why, Edward?' his head shot up, his burning black eyes meeting my own.

'Because I love you, damn it!' he yelled. 'I left because I loved you, to protect you, and I'm staying because I still love you!'

'Protect me? Protect me! You left me a mess, barely alive! You don't know half of what I did when you were gone, do you? Charlie made me go to a shrink, for God's sake!' I screamed back.

'I loved you, Bella! I was putting you in danger every day, by just being with you! You didn't belong with me...'

'Didn't belong with me?! Bloody hell, Edward, we loved each other! Was that not enough for you?'

'Bella-' he interrupted. I cut him off quickly.

'I don't want to know anymore, Edward! I've had enough. I'm not some naive little teenage girl anymore, not some porcelain girl that is so fragile she can't take care of herself! That's what you always thought about me, isn't it? But when it came down to how I felt, you thought I didn't know what I meant-'

' I never thought that about you, Bella! You know how easily I could have hurt you!'

'Then why didn't you change me, then? If you loved me so much, why didn't you think of what I wanted? I wanted to spend the rest of time with you, and you didn't give it a second thought!'

'I couldn't just take away your soul, take away everything you had! I just couldn't, Bella!'

'You were everything I had! Everything! I loved you so much...' I tailed off, feeling the sobs beginning to congest my body. His face was tortured, and I felt a twisted surge of joy at the expression.

'I'm sorry...truly, I am. I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you. I promise.'

'You have no idea how many lies there are in what you just said, do you?' I laughed bitterly, hysterically. 'you been sorry is the very root of this, Edward. You never had any self esteem, always deemed yourself a monster for being a vampire, never thought yourself worthy of anything, and some part of you never really believed that I loved you, did it?'

'Of course I knew you loved me! Bella, - ' I interrupted him, continuing my rant.

'And it's too late to make it up to me now, Edward. Far too late. You broke my heart, and nothing can make up for that! And everything you promised didn't really matter, in the end, did it? You told me that you would never hurt me if you could help it, you told me that you would be here forever. And it was all a lie. And I was stupid to believe it, all along.'

'It wasn't a lie! I did love you, did want you forever, and didn't want to hurt you! Truly, Bella! Please don't be angry, please! I love you! Please!' I backed away, and realised something. My eyes flickered past Edward, who looked like he would cry if he could, to Alice, who was frozen with shock, staring right back at me, her wide dark eyes filled with a kind of wary fear. A flash of memory span through my mind.

'I haven't been able to see you since you became a vampire.' So she had been able to see when I was human. All along, she had been able to see me, even though Edward had told her not to.

She must have been able to see that, at the very least. But...she hasn't told him?...

'Didn't Alice ever tell you?' I blurted out, before my brain had a chance to stop the words.

'Tell me what? What didn't she tell me? Alice?' his head turned towards her, furious, and he growled, a threatening sound. Jasper took a defensive stance in front of her.

'Edward, calm down.' He tried to send waves of calm towards Edward, but they had no effect apart from to increase his anger exponentially.

'Alice,' he snarled. 'What are you keeping from me?' she opened her mouth, shaking slightly, clearly intimidated by Edward when he was so angry. Her frantic eyes flashed to me, desperately trying to get me to help. Not wanting her hurt, I intervened.

'I did some things when I was human, Edward. I'm pretty sure that Alice saw them, and kept them from you. She didn't want you to see; so she kept them from you. I'm surprised you haven't found out before now.' His head snapped back round to me, and he looked absolutely livid. A spark of fear went through my body, before I quelled it.

' Bella! What did you do? Tell me, now!' my anger flared up again at the way he spoke. My emotions now had complete control over me, and I was helpless against the sheer burning power of them. I was tired of trying to keep them locked up.

'You have no right to speak to me like that, Edward Cullen!'

'When it comes to what people are lying to me about, I damn well do!' Esme gasped at Edward, and my anger increased to a level where I almost found it physically painful not to punch him, and across from me Jasper looked positively nauseous.

'I took drugs, alright!' the words burst out of me, unstoppable. Shocked gasps sounded all around at me, Alice hung her head, Jasper holding and comforting her; Emmett had gone pale, Rosalie next to him gaping at me, Esme was shaking terribly, and Carlisle looked so disappointed and worried I felt a small stab of shame in my gut. I looked at Edward. He was utterly still, jaw clenched, eyes wild in a furious tangle of emotions, staring at me with a mixture of anger, wariness and sadness.

'Which one?' he whispered. Alice cringed in Jasper's arms, and a shudder ran through her brother. 'it was more than one, wasn't it?' I nodded tersely.

'Crack, Ecstasy, Heroine, Meth, Cocaine, Marijuana, Pot, Novocain, Magic Mushrooms, Cannabis, Narcotics,' I reeled off. Even though human memories fade after the change, I could never forget those names. Edward looked like he might be sick.

'That many?' he choked.

'Practically every drug in the book.' I said, making an effort to keep my voice void of emotion.

'Anything else?' he sounded like he was barely able to form the words to come out of his mouth. I shrugged. His eye widened at5 the casual gesture.

'I smoked a lot. Charlie sent me to rehab for a month. I was lucky I had Alex and Jacob; without them I would be dead by now for sure. I had three suicide attempts. They found me in time.' I smiled dreamily at the memory of Alex, when I told him I was on drugs. He had encircled me in arms, held me, kissed me, and told me he would do anything for me, starting by making me better. He had still loved me, through all of that, through everything. Jacob had been the best friend imaginable, helping me too. Without them, I would be dead and buried by now. I thanked God for them. Edward, in front of me, fell to his knees and buried his head in his hands, dry sobbing.

'Suicide...' he looked up at me with tortured eyes. 'I'm sorry...I'm sorry that I ever left you Bella, and caused you to do those things. I'm sorry for everything.' I didn't say that it was Ok, that it was my fault, not his, that I made those choices, because we both knew that it wasn't my fault at all, that it wasn't OK, and that I wouldn't even had to come close to those choices if it wasn't for him. He had chosen to left me, and I had payed the price, with drugs and suicide. He payed the price of me loving and trusting another man. Instead, I said just one thing.

'I'm sorry, too. Sorry that I was ever stupid enough to love you.' His body trembled with the force of his grief, and I could find no compassion in me to go to him. I turned away; void of any emotion at all, got on my motorbike, and rode off into the night. As the wind whipped past me, I found myself remembering again...

I stabbed the needle into my arm, the pain only a faint disturbance on the edges of my mind as the Heroin took over my body. My hands became heavy, unwilling to remove the syringe from my arm, and my breathing slowed. I smiled to myself, and saw the others around my doing the same, as the steady Euphoria took over them. For others, the drug meant that they were lifted above the usual day to day feeling of repression. For me, it meant I came somewhere close to achieving a normal level of peace. I had been taking Heroin for just over a month now, and these brief respites from my catatonic depression were my only outlet in life. I had already attempted to take my own life, but Jacob had found me before I could plunge the knife into my now broken heart. When I was little, I had wondered what it felt like to be a ghost; and now I knew. Being a ghost meant that you were caught between life and death, where the only living part of you was your body. It meant that nobody saw you anymore, as normal people could only see the living. Before attempting to kill myself, I had wondered if there was an afterlife, and if there was, would I feel pain there, or would he be there, loving me like he had pretended to do before he left, or would I be alone again. Would hell make an exception for me, who had no soul left for either angel or saint to weigh, and send me to heaven, or send me to hell, where I would simply continue my life as it was here?

It had been four months since he left, and after the first week I had begun to sink steadily into darkness, attending wild parties just to get myself drunk and forget everything, aided by sex. It was at one of those parties I had been first introduced to drugs; and I hadn't given it a second thought, then or now. I had a relationship with my dealer, Jack, who I regularly came to for sex and alcohol that you couldn't buy at eighteen. I wasn't even sure if I liked him or not, but he sure liked me. My body, and willingness to accept drugs he liked, at the very least. I had taken every drug available to me, and with the most amount of relish I could summon up, which wasn't much at all.

I resurfaced a few hours later, lying on a couch with a man, undressed from the waist down, on top of me. I looked at myself, realising that I was utterly naked. My clothes were lying in a heap next to the couch, with a few rips in them. I got up, dressed, and headed home.

I shuddered at the memory of those dark times I had endured while Edward was gone. I hadn't met Alex then, and Jacob and Charlie simply wasn't enough to get me out of my depression. Then I had fallen in love again, with Alex, and suddenly everything I had done seemed stupid and pointless, because was it really getting me anywhere? He showed me the world anew again, and helped me through all of it; ditching the drugs and the alcohol, living life again, loving. When we had first got intimate, it wasn't just the quick fucks I had previously experienced, it was making love, and my heart still swelled with pride for him and all that he had done for me. I stumbled into the flat we shared, and before he could ask where I had been, I pushed him against the wall and kissed him lovingly. He caught onto my desperation and kissed me back, and we spent the rest of the night otherwise occupied.