Chapter 10

Revenge and Remorse

(The Guilty Zim)

"What?" Zim shouted. "Nobody told me how important this thing was! It just looks like a guitar pick! And you just said some mystic garble about how I'd know how to use it when the time came. How was I supposed to know?"

"The mystic garble should have been your indication of how important this is," Angel said through clenched teeth.

Brandon slapped his forehead. "Have you been listening to anything they've been telling you? They were describing what you had to do in order to save the world, and that guitar pick was supposed to be your ultimate weapon!"

"Dude, it's like the spread gun in Contra," Fitz said.

"He wasn't listening," Illyria said. "This vile meat-thing was trying to have a fancy with me."

Spike suppressed a laugh. "Close enough, love."

"I told you guys, I'm not a hero!" Zim yelled. "I just want to go home!"

"Zim!" Brandon shouted. "Your idiocy has destroyed the world!"

Bruni perked up. He had been drinking ale for as long as they had been in the demon's den, and the room was tilted slightly. "There is still hope."

The Shelpshov demon raised a wispy eyebrow. "There's another way to defeat Krimskep the Strong?"

"Holy shit!" Fitz said. "Bruni is Future Booze Jesus! Only he can save us!"

"Future Booze Jesus?" Lorne asked.

"Believe me, this works," Fitz said. "The man can tell the future, provided he's drunk enough. I've seen it happen."

"It's pretty creepy," Zim said.

"What do you see, o prophet?" the Shelpshov demon asked.

"Don't give him a big head," Fitz said. "He's merely Future Booze Jesus. Like Steven Seagal, he is only human."

Future Booze Jesus massaged his temples with his fingers. "I see . . . I see . . . This is weird. Zim is still saving the world. He's not messing it up."

"Are you sure about this, Fitz?" Brandon asked.

"Future Booze Jesus is never wrong," Fitz said.

"Sing something," Lorne said, "so I can see your vision, too."

Future Booze Jesus same a quick verse from Denis Leary's "Asshole," and Lorne's eyes grew wider.

"What do you see?" the Shelpshov demon asked.

"He doesn't have the guitar pick anymore," Lorne said. "I think he has . . . it looks like a rock."

The Shelpshov demon slapped his slimy forehead. "The Rinkan Stone! How could I have forgotten about that?"

"What's the Rinkan Stone?" Angel asked.

"It's kept in the Felkroff dimension, which isn't so bad. All you have to do is wrestle it from the Pontifex Maximum, and you're good to go. The Rinkan Stone has all the powers of the Pick d'Comfrell, but it has one more: it can shoot lightning bolts."

"Keen," Connor said. "How do we get to the Felkroff dimension?"

"Whoa," Zim said. "I'm not going to another dimension. Don't you think I've screwed this up enough?"

"Don't worry," Angel said. "You're staying here."

"Besides, I don't think they have breathable air in the Felkroff," the Shelpshov demon said. "The only people who can go there are those who don't need oxygen."

"I guess that's us," Spike said. He nodded to Angel.

"And me," Illyria said.

"There should be an incantation scroll on my bookcase," the Shelpshov demon said. He pointed. "It's on the top shelf, two from the left."

Angel followed instructions and opened the scroll. "What the hell kind of language is this?"

Spike looked over his shoulder and shrugged. "I haven't a bloody clue. Latin?"

"Let me see," Lorne said. He examined the scroll and shook his head. "This is Ibrexian. Very rare, and I don't know the dialect, but I can speak it."

"Great," Angel said. "Follow me."

The four of them went up the stairs and out of the tree. Brandon paced back and forth, looking at Zim, who was staring at the space where Illyria's ass had just been. "I can't believe your blind, idiot luck, Zim. You destroy the only thing that can save the world, and lo! and behold! It turns out there's something else that can do the job. How the fuck do you do that?"

"He ruins the world and saves it at the same time," Future Booze Jesus said. "I don't get it, either."

Zim shrugged.

"You will be dealt with," Fitz said.

"He will deal with himself," Future Booze Jesus said.

Gunn sidled up to Future Booze Jesus. "Can you tell me if I'm ever going to get my eye back? Lack of depth perception sucks."

Future Booze Jesus rubbed his temples. "Yes. But you will not like it when it happens."

"Shit," Gunn said.