Chapter 17

The Final Insult

"Well," Bruni said, "this is the end of the world. I'm finishing off this whiskey." He unscrewed the cap of his flask and downed the final three swallows. "I wish it was Wild Turkey 101 instead of this Stillbrook swill."

Fitz shrugged. "We'll get out of this. I'm working on a plan to Palp this friggin' guy."

"Now would be the time, Fitz," Brandon said. "I think Krimskep is about to destroy us."

Above them Krimskep held the Rinkan Stone tightly in his fist. Brilliant blue light glowed from between his fingers, and the fire in his eyes shot triumphantly out from under his helmet. A deep rumble came from the giant, and it took Zim a moment to realize that the monster was laughing.

Spike ambled up to Zim and slapped him on the back. "Zim, I just wanted to thank you for ending the world. Life was getting boring, anyway." He popped a cigarette into his mouth and lit it. Then, deliberately, he blew smoke into Zim's face.

"That's great," Zim said. "I'm going to die with the stink of your secondhand smoke in my nose."

"That's the least of your worries, mate. Dying hurts. A lot. I've done it a few times, myself."

"Ah shit," Zim muttered. "What have I done?"

Bruni perked up yet again, and from the look in his eyes, Fitz knew that he was Future Booze Jesus again. "Everyone. This is going to work out. Zim just saved the world."

"I knew it," Fitz said.

"Huh?" Zim asked.

The light in Krimskep's fist suddenly turned red, and his flesh started bubbling like boiling water. Cracks formed in his armor, and his helmet crumbled, revealing a smoldering head beneath. The big bad roared, and all of his teeth came tumbling out of his mouth. His skin flaked away, and his insides came seething out of his belly in a fetid pile of gore.

"What's going on?" Angel asked.

"I don't know," Spike said. "But I think the boozy guy is right. Somehow, we won."

Krimskep screamed one final time, and his body split like a rotten tomato, sending a tremendous tsunami of blood down in the parking lot. The viscous fluid drenched everything and everyone. It splashed in one gigantic wave against the side of Brandon's van.

"Vy am I drippings vith goo?" Fitz said. He scooped the slimy blood from his eyes and slapped it away from him.

"Well, at least I was already covered in blood," Zim said. "It doesn't make much of a difference to me."

"Good thing I was in the Dumpster," Lorne said. He staggered onto the scene, dapper as ever, without a drop of blood on him. "I am going to have to get my shoes cleaned, though."

"What the hell happened?" Angel asked. "I thought this idiot over here killed us all by giving Krimskep the Rinkan Stone."

"Yeah," Spike said. "What long, tall and gnarly said."

Lorne rubbed his forehead. "I really don't know. The only thing that could have changed Krimskep's plan was if the Stone was touched by virgin's blood. That would probably cause something like this to happen."

"Holy shit!" Fitz said. "DD! When Angel and Gunn killed him, a bunch of his blood got on the Rinkan Stone!"

"That means DD was a virgin," Brandon said.

"Tee-hee!" Bruni said.

"That fucking liar," Fitz said. "I at least figured he'd scammed some underage skank to fuck him. He couldn't even get it like that."

Illyria finished off the last of the Sleshta Skatz as the portal closed. She then stepped over to Gunn, who was still breathing although his face was burned beyond all recognition. "Kill me," he mumbled.

"What an odd request," Illyria said. "I thought you meat bags wanted to live forever."

"Now's not the time for a discussion on cultural differences," Gunn said. "Please. Kill me."

"Very well, Charles Gunn. I will honor your strange request, even though I like you." Illyria brought her foot crashing down on Gunn's head, splitting it like a melon.

"Jesus!" Angel said. "Why did you do that?"

"Who is this Jesus?" Illyria asked.

"He's talking to you, love," Spike said.

"But my name is Illyria."

"Enough! Why did you kill Gunn?"

"He asked me to," Illyria said.

"Hasn't there been enough killing today?!"

Zim staggered tiredly over to his friends. "I think we should get out of here. This is getting a bit heavy."

"Yeah," Fitz said. "It's kind of awkward that your cowardice and lack of concern accidentally killed two people."

"I saved the world, didn't I?" Zim asked.

"Holy fuck, Zim!" Brandon yelled. "You couldn't even fail right! You saved the world purely by accident!"

"People will remember me as Zim the Courageous."

"Those people are fools," Fitz said.

"Let's just get out of here," Zim said. "I'm starting to get a headache. Leave these people to their grief."

Bruni looked out over the desolation of what once was Mullin's parking lot. The bodies, the blood and the remains of Team Angel were scattered and splattered everywhere. "This is a sad day."

Fitz stood next to Brandon's bloody van. Brandon was too busy berating Zim to have noticed. Fitz smiled. "Art! Your wife is home! And your house is on fire!"

Brandon turned and shouted, "My wife is home?!" And then he saw the van. Quietly he turned to Zim. "What did I say about getting blood on my van?"

Zim looked at the mess and uttered a laugh. "That's not my fault."

"All of this is your fault, Zim! Everything we've been through tonight! You caused it all!" He took a deep breath and let it out. "You're doomed, Zim. You will never sleep again. And you're paying to have this cleaned up."

The rest of the roof fell in on Mullin's. By then everyone had escaped, so no one was harmed. It was still a grim thing to witness, like the death of the last dinosaur.

"Well, there goes that gig," Brandon said. "Shit, that reminds me. I have to go back to Tailgators to get my equipment."

"No," Zim said. "I saved the world, and I'm putting my foot down. You're dropping me off at home first. Wait, we're going to Tapateos, and then you're bringing me home."

"I could go for some Tapateos," Fitz said.

"Fine," Brandon said. "But don't count on that whole I-saved-the-world excuse forever, Zim. I will destroy you. Everyone, grab a tarp."

The four of them climbed into the van and drove to Tapateos, where they walked through the door and were confronted by shocked faces. They exchanged glances with each other and remembered in unison that they were covered in blood.

Fitz grinned. "I blame the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."

No one in Tapateos got the reference. "Can I take your order?" the counter clerk asked.

Fitz was the first to go, followed by Brandon, then Bruni. Zim sighed, aggravated that he was the last in line. He gave his order, and he made sure it was big. Then, reaching for his wallet, he patted his pocket. "Oh shit."

"What?" Bruni asked.

"My wallet. I must have lost it in all the fighting."

"Goddammit, Zim!" Brandon yelled.

"Can you guys pay for me? I did save the world, after all."

His three companions sighed, and they dug around in their pockets to each throw in for Zim's meal. Between the three of them, they had enough, and they retired to the dining section to wait for their food.

As he sat down, Zim patted his pocket once again, comforted by the weight of his wallet. Little victories, he thought. Their food arrived, and they dug in.

Little victories.

Cris Zim will return in . . . WHERE WE'RE GOING, WE DON'T NEED ROADS