A/N: Sorry for the wait, thank you for your kind words, they mean so much to me.
"Memories are dangerous things. You turn them over and over, until you know every touch and corner, but still you'll find an edge to cut you." - Mark Lawrence
Her fork stabs at the tomato on her plate, pushing it around as her mother rambles on about Kristina, college, her professor and she's half listening…trying to listen, but her mind is elsewhere and right now it's preferring to be focused on pushing her salad around her plate.
The thoughts all culminate about the thing she's attempting to ignore…she misses Patrick. It's not something she's proud of but, she rationalizes it, she misses her friend…her adventure buddy, the person she used to talk to everything about. She wants that back, she wants him back…as a friend. They both can move on, build back onto the fact that they liked each other, genuinely enjoyed each other, way before anything romantic happened…right?
"Woo-hoo, earth to Sam" jars her out of her contemplation and she looks up to meet the caramel eyes of her mother's dancing with amusement, "You know, I've often wondered how you were as a child, picturing you being a daredevil and rambunctious…but now I know you sullenly play with your food" she teases, gesturing towards the pulverized tomato.
"Oh" she says cringing softly, "Sorry, it's just…a lot on my mind"
Alexis stops for a moment, peers at her, in that motherly way that it still slightly awkward, yet endearing at the same time, "Wanna talk about it?" she asks, her face full of concern.
For a moment, her mouth opens, flails softly but then she's waving her hand in front of her face, "Nah, it's just a case" she fibs because she doesn't yet know how to find the words to explain any of her feelings.
Alexis smiles at her, in that knowing way, and she resolves to focus on something else, anything other than how the loneliness permeates her bones.
OoO
They literally almost run into each other on the dock, crossing paths by the water, her attempt to clear her head after lunch with her mother. She's greeted by a bright smile and dark eyes, "Sam!" the other brunette exclaims, "I was hoping we'd run into each other one of these days" Robin admits.
This makes her eyebrows knit quizzically and Robin tilts her head knowingly, "That sounds weird, I know…it's just" she starts before pulling her lip between her teeth and then slowly releasing it, "I just never got to thank you, for everything"
The moment is slightly awkward and as she raises her head in protests, Robin continues, "Please…let me finish, I always hoped if Patrick and I…with Emma, I always hoped he would meet someone who loved her too…and I know you did. Emma talks about you all the time, and…I just wanted you to know, I hope you won't be a stranger, you or Danny"
It sucks the breath from her lungs and she's slightly thrown off by the words but she smiles, nods, "Emma's an incredible kid…anyone would be lucky"
A hand touches her arm and their eyes meet and Robin leans in, "But I'm glad it was you" she reiterates.
Sam nods, "Me too"
OoO
Everything swirls in her brain after Robin leaves and she finds her knuckles white as she grips the railing, feeling the soft mist of water on her face, trying to find clarity. She had expected Patrick and Robin to get back together, when he came back alone, she had assumed.
Which was stupid, of course they got back together, Patrick had his own little family back, it makes sense. Yet it's worse than the sting of a bullet tearing through muscle, right down to the bone, because she knows it's a wound that's going to fester and burn before it ever begins to heal.
A shiver runs through her and she wraps her arms around herself instinctively, and she knows where she needs to be, in the only arms that can begin to remind her of all she has to thank the universe for.
OoO
"MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMY" Danny yells, little legs pumping under him as he flings himself in her arms. She allows herself to cling to him, bury her face in his neck and inhale him because, he is the one perfect thing she's ever done in her life.
"Soon enough, he's gonna be too big to do that, unless you want to practice for defensive tackle" Ned teases, ruffling the boy's hair as she sets him on the ground.
That makes her smile, "I am not that small" she admonishes.
The man holds his thumb and forefinger an inch a part, "A little" he teases, "But you hold it well"
Both of them laugh and she wonders how she got here, standing in the foyer of the Quartermaine mansion, friendly banter with Jason's cousin, her son beaming as his grandmother comes down the stairs, "Oh Sam, you're here, we lost track of time" she says smiling, and it swells her heart to know that her son is surrounded by the love of a family that she had craved growing up.
"I missed him" she admits smiling down at the blonde head, "What you say buddy, you and me at Kelly's for some ice cream"
"YES!" He exclaims, pumping his little arm triumphantly before he's hugging people goodbyes and they're on their way.
OoO
Jason's still not home when she tucks Danny into bed and pops the top on a long neck bottle before making her way to the balcony of the penthouse. The cold air feels fresh on her face and she walks to the edge, to look down on the sparkling lights of the city before taking a long swig from the bottle.
While she would have prefered the burn of whiskey to clear her head, there was a stark realization that she missed how the bitterness of wine stung at her lips...or was it the lips that she kissed it from. Right now, it's all one big swirl and she knows there's not enough beer in the world to help her forget.
"You made ya bed Sammy, now you gotta sleep in it"
The words of the past creep up her spine and make her skin crawl as she closes her eyes and forces the voices away, wondering if she could ever fully shake the way her past has the ability to poison everything good in her life.
Her fingers are on the phone, before she can think and he's picking up, "Sam?" He wonders, his voice husky and she can almost picture what he looks like, hair mussed from sleep, skin warm and reddened.
Next to Robin.
"Sorry, I shouldn't" she tells him, rambling slightly, "I just"
"What's wrong"
It coats her insides, warm and comforting, like hot cocoa on a snowy day when all you have to do is sit by the fire and hold someone so close you forget where you end and they begin.
Blinking back tears she sighed, "I just, I needed someone to talk to and" she admits, practically chewing a hole in her bottom lip.
There are things they both don't say in the pause...like the fact that her husband has no idea who she is. Sure, he knows her, has been given the history lesson, the story of them, bits and pieces of the story that she was. But, he can't tell her, her father's name besides Julian, or how she still cries in the middle of the night when she dreams of their sons namesakes. He knows everything about her but he looks at her with eyes that can no longer see into her soul.
"Hey, I'm here, did you have a nightmare?" He asks, and she remembers how his hand would run up and down her back when she would wake up in a cold sweat, or how they stayed up until 4am the first time she opened up about what life with Cody had meant.
"Sorta...waking one" she explains, running her hand through her hair, "But I shouldn't….I don't want Robin to think"
There's a long pause, "Robin?" He asks confused, "What are you..."
The words tumble from her lips before she can stop them, "I ran into her...today...I just...I think it's great that you're..."
Another long pause, a sigh, the one he does when he's running his hands through his hair before pinching the bridge of his nose, "We're not" he whispers, "I mean, she's back, she's staying at her mom/s until...but we're not"
"Oh"
"Yeah"
Her heart is hammering against her ribcage like a battering ram and then she hears Jason come through the door calling after her. She hears Patrick suck in a breath and knows he heard too, "I should go" he says, "Chamomile...tea...that used to help"
Waving to Jason, she turns around, too much of herself revealed already, her ribs peeled back like tangerines, all of her open and not for him to see.
"Goodnight"
"Night"
The sliding glass door opens but before she turns around, her eye catches the beam from the lighthouse, flickering against the water...hope, for all those who are lost at sea.
